20. Set My Spirit Free

So Harry, that's what I was like before I went to Askaban. The few bright spots in my life were watching you grow, hearing James' optimism, and spending a few, private moments with Remus. But when Voldemort began hunting you, these pleasures were lost to me. James and Lily's fear was all encompassing. Protecting you was the most important thing in the world to them and to me. We were only ever one step ahead of the Voldemort and his proximity frightened us. There had to be a spy and that spy was someone who knew us well. My mind went directly to Remus. Reality had twisted for me so my theory made sense. Regulus had chosen to contact Remus when he needed to talk to me although the two had barely known each other at Hogwarts. I was surprised that Regulus could even recognize Remus or any of my friends beyond James. There had to have been some other connection I told myself. Perhaps it had been Remus who told Voldemort that Regulus was trying to contact me, thus bringing about his death. In the days leading up to the end, Remus had been increasingly kind and giving to me. I found that in itself suspicious. I felt myself unlovable and suspected that his actions were not driven by love, but by deceit.

When I discovered that it was Peter all of my theories fell to pieces. I realized how wrong I had been in suspecting Remus and how right James had been about the need to recognize my love. I tried to make up for what I had done by caring for you, but Hagid, following Dumbledore's instructions, took you away. I wish I had told someone it was Peter, but I was too distraught. Remus was away for the full moon and I was alone. Finding Peter and punishing him for what he did was driving me and I left no trail for others to follow.

I believed that I would die there. My cousins and I used to tell each other ghost stories about Azkaban and the Dementors, but it was far worse than even we could have imagined. I locked up my happy memories, not because I wanted to live so much, but because I'd be damned to let anyone take them. I hadn't allowed myself to feel emotion for a long time, so it was really no different to protect emotions from the Dementors. However, as the years went by I wondered why I had been so guarded with my feelings before I came to Azkaban. We forget how free we are to roam, to fly, to feel, to need, to love, and do not always take advantage of those opportunities. It is when that freedom is taken from us that we realize how precious those things are.

I realized during those years that, of the few people who had known about Remus and me, none of them had judged me harshly because of that. James had encouraged me to love Remus. Even my father had accepted my sexual attraction. By nature I was generally unconcerned with what others thought. I had turned Remus away, not for fear of the opinions of others, but for fear of exposing myself. Those fears seemed so small when I looked at them from where I was, in a tower above the sea, all alone.

I had thought about trying to escape long before I did it. I would transform to the dog from time to time and saw that the Dementors could not see me. But I had no where to go and no one to go to. Death would someday take me away someday, as I had seen it do to others all the time. I just had to wait for it. But then I saw the picture of Peter and escape was all I could think of.

The mind of a dog is filled with few words and most of those words begin with the letter F. Food, friend, fear, fight and a few others I won't mention, but I'm sure you can guess. I taught myself another: freedom. As I ran out of my cell, down the stairs, out the door, and leapt into to frigid water I repeated the mantra over and over again: freedom, freedom, freedom. I swam for what seemed like forever, floating along on the currents when I became too tired. When I finally saw land, I knew I had made it. "Freedom," I said again.

Hogwarts was yet another fortress, but unlike Azkaban, it was a fortress that had kept me safe, rather than imprisoned. It encircled the world of comfort that I had known as a boy. Once again I was comforted to be back among the places where I once played. I had returned to the familiarity of Hogwarts' secret passages, its hidden spaces, its forests and streams. I knew all the minefields for I had lain them when I was young and thought evil was so far away. Now evil was inside those gates, but so was I and I could protect you from him.

I saw you several times that year. It made me happy to know that you were near me. It was what your parents wanted for you and I felt I was fulfilling their wishes at last. I marveled at how much you look like James. I know you hear that so often, but for me, it was like walking back into a memory. A memory that I couldn't touch, but I could look upon with fondness. I tried to see you whenever I could, without attracting your attention. It made me happy when I learned that Remus was with you and I imagined what he must have told you everything about your father and me. I didn't know at the time that he told you nothing. I should have known that the memories would be too painful for him to share.

I had long since given up any hope of ever meeting you. At best I could protect you from Peter, but I never thought you would accept me or be able to hear me explain what had happened. When we finally met, I didn't react in a way I'm proud of. I know I frightened you. I've never been good with children, not like Remus anyway. I was so grateful when he showed up and explained everything to you and your friends. I felt for the first time that the four of us were connected - you, James, me, and Remus. And in that wonderful moment when Remus helped me from the floor and embraced me I was so touched that I ceased breathing.

It was a few days later when I found Remus at his flat and he drew me into his arms once again that I was able to cry. I grieved for James, for Lily, for Regulus, for Reve, for my parents, and for everyone else I had lost. I wept for the years you lived miserably with the Dursleys and I was unable to help you. When I could no longer stand Remus continued to hold me as we sank to the ground. He was weeping too for all those people and for all the years we were apart and for the years that we were alone, but together. As we sat there holding each other I felt that I was finally free. Free from Azkaban, but more importantly, free from the fears that kept me from showing Remus my true self. I had let go of the pain and grief I had kept inside me for so long and I knew that now I would be able to love.

Almost unconsciously we began to walk once again down the path we had made together so many years ago. The landscape had changed with time, overgrown in some areas and barren in others, but still familiar. It was an act of healing as well as an act of love. My soul was broken and he mended it with his kisses. The sorrows that I had spilled before him, evaporated with his breath. I felt myself strengthening with his every touch. He clung tightly to me and said my name again and again. "Sirius, Sirius," he called softly.

"Remus," I answered, breathless as our bodies began to move more quickly. "Remus!" In the twelve years I was away, his name never passed my lips, and it flowed sensually over my tongue as my passion forced me to call out to him again, "Remus!" Then I felt the core inside me shatter into a million golden, glittering pieces. They filled me with light and happiness just as everything that was me passed in that moment of rapture into him.

I could have stayed there forever holding him, but I knew I had to keep going. They were still looking for me and I didn't want to get Remus in trouble as well. As I dressed and readied to leave, Remus packed food for me and gave me the small amount of gold he had in his possession. I tried to refuse his generosity, but he pressed it upon me. "I can make more," he laughed. "For once, you are poorer than I am."

When we embraced for the last time, he told me. He whispered it and his breath on my ear sent his words down my spine, spreading them throughout my entire being. I smiled when I heard them but before I could respond in kind, he put his fingers on my mouth. "No," he said, "Don't say it and leave. Tell me when you return. This way you'll have something to come back for besides Harry. Until then, be assured that I know. I have you in my heart and soul and I know."

We kissed one last time and I left there stronger and more determined than I had been when I arrived. I was strong because you, Harry, had forgiven me and because Remus Lupin had said he loved me.

To Readers and Reviewers: Thanks everyone for reading this and for your nice comments. There will be more soon.