Chapter Twenty-One

Amy is gone.

The words thundered in his head, blocking out any other noise or thought. These were the words that breathed life into his greatest fears; taking his nightmares from the cool darkness of sleep into the harsh light of reality.

Amy is gone.

Those three simple words changed everything - his life, his future, his dreams. His reason to live. They were the first words he thought of the morning after their fifth anniversary when he woke up cold and alone and more confused than he had ever been. And they were the last words he thought of when everything faded to black.

Amy is gone.

"Sheldon!" Penny screamed when she felt him slump beside her. She tried to catch him so he wouldn't hit his head, but even with her Nebraska strength, she was too weak to hold him up. "Leonard, help me!"

Leonard immediately turned to her but still could not get to them in time. He watched in horror as they both slid to the ground, Penny doing her best to break their fall. She managed to shield his head for the most part, but still he took the brunt of the impact.

Leonard was there in a flash to help detangle them. As soon as she was free, Penny got on her knees and started gently slapping Sheldon on the face. "C'mon, Sweetie. Wake up now." But it wasn't working. He was out cold.

Before either of them knew what had happened, an ambulance appeared on the scene, summoned by the store manager who had seen him fall. Sheldon awoke soon after their arrival and he refused to be taken to the hospital. He was actually angry with himself for being so weak and wasting time that should have been spent looking for Amy.

Amy is gone.

The pounding in Sheldon's head and the heaviness in his chest had returned. And he was cold. So cold. When he shivered, Sgt. Palmer offered him his coat. Penny smiled at the kind gesture, but Sheldon was oblivious to his surroundings. He was trapped in his eidetic memory, trying to relive every second of his time with Amy.

Amy is gone.

Every mention of her name was like a dagger to the heart. One that he welcomed. One that he deserved because he hadn't kept her safe. He sat slumped against the side of the building with his knees up and his head in his hands. There was a swirl of activity around him as law enforcement began to organize, but he couldn't concentrate on anything they were saying. The questions kept flying, but he had no answers. Which only frustrated him more. Amy needed him and he was failing her.

Amy is gone.

Luckily Penny and Leonard were there. They answered the questions they could and helped Sheldon to focus and respond to the ones they could not. Eventually the scene cleared out and the three friends found themselves alone.

"Let's get you home, Buddy." Leonard's voice broke through the haze of Sheldon's thoughts. He looked up to find his best friend standing over him with his hand outstretched. He stumbled to his feet and looked around, wondering what they were supposed to do now.

"There's nothing we can do right now," Penny said, answering the question Sheldon hadn't even realized he had asked. "The detective wants us to go back to your apartment and find a picture of Amy so we can put together a missing poster. Once that is done we'll get the group together and start canvassing the area."

Sheldon nodded, but she wasn't sure he really comprehended her words. Not until he reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. After a few swipes, he showed it to her. "We can use this. It's one of my favorites."

Penny smiled and nodded. "That's a great picture, Sheldon. She looks so pretty."

He studied it more closely. "She's beautiful, Penny. I wonder if she knows it," he said, his eyes filling with tears. "I wish I had told her."

The anguish in his voice broke Penny's heart. "She knows you love her," she said, trying to hold back her own tears.

Leonard patted him on the shoulder and they continued toward their building. After only a few steps, Sheldon spoke again. "Or this one," he said. Penny turned to find him still looking at his phone. "Or here's another one." He was browsing through his photo gallery, and to Penny's surprise there were dozens of pictures of Amy.

"They're all great, Sweetie. We can use whichever one you like."

By the time they reached Apartment 4A, Sheldon was physically and emotionally exhausted. He dropped into his spot, noticing that even that was of little comfort. He would never find peace again. Not until he found Amy.

"Amy is gone."

"I know, Buddy," Leonard said. "But we'll get her back." Once again Sheldon was surprised that he had spoken his thoughts aloud. Howard, Bernadette and Raj came rushing through the front door just as Sheldon was closing the bathroom door.

"I can't believe this is happening," Raj said, glancing at the bathroom door. "How is Sheldon handling it?" For some reason he was whispering, as though the gravity of the situation made full voice offensive.

"It's been rough, but he's hanging in there," Penny said. She didn't really know what else to say. It seemed like an invasion of his privacy to tell them he had cried.

"What can we do?" Bernadette squeaked, panic making her voice even higher. The four of them stood around the kitchen island and Penny filled them in while Leonard went to check on Sheldon.

"I'm fine," Sheldon called when Leonard asked him if he was okay through the closed bathroom door. "I just need a minute." He waited until he heard the soft thud of Leonard's feet walking away before he turned back to his reflection in the mirror.

How am I doing? Better come up with an answer to that question soon, because I have a feeling I'll be hearing it a lot. He splashed some water on his face and let the droplets fall to the sink below while he braced his hands on either side of the vanity.

Let's see, how do I feel? I feel numb, and powerless. Empty. Cold. Alone. My head hurts; my stomach is twisted in knots. And my heart is completely broken. No, not broken. It's worse than that. My heart is missing. Gone. It is wherever she is because I gave it to her. And all I'm left with is this heaviness. Praecipitium mortis. I am dead now. My lungs are still intact so the breathing continues. But without my heart, I am dead.

After a few more minutes, as his tears mingled with the water on his face, Sheldon once again met his own eyes in the mirror. What he saw there frightened him. His mind flashed back to the morning he finally got out of bed after Amy broke up with him. He looked into this same mirror and saw the same haunted figure. One he barely recognized. It had scared him then, too. But it had also made him feel ashamed. Crying and wallowing in self-pity is not how a man handles things. He had needed to get pro-active then, and he needed to do it again. Pull yourself together, Dr. Cooper. Amy needs Smart Sheldon right now.

With those words, he dried his face and went back to his friends in the next room.

"Okay, people. Our task is to get a flyer made. This is the picture we are going to use. It's Amy's favorite," he added to Penny. She smiled warmly, glad to see bossy Sheldon back in place.

"Leonard, you do the computer work. You're much faster with that program than I am. I'll tell you what to say," he added when Leonard looked surprised. "Howard, would you please go over to Penny's and get Leonard's high-capacity printer? It will spit out copies much faster than my little inkjet."

Howard scurried away like a man on a mission. They were all confused by the change in Sheldon's demeanor, but happy to see that he was ready to take charge. This was the Alpha Sheldon they were used to. And this was the Sheldon who got things done.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Amy sat curled into a ball on the corner of a musty couch in an apartment she had never been in before. It was dimly lit and reeked of cigarettes and cheap cologne. She realized now that it was a smell she should have recognized. She had been exposed to it many times before, just never in this concentration.

She let her mind drift back to when she woke up this morning. Everything had been so perfect. And yet now it seemed like a lifetime ago. She flagellated herself again for being so careless. How could she have been stupid enough to play right into his hands?

It had all started out so innocently; her intentions pure. She just wanted to get the love of her life some milk for his cereal so he could have the peace of mind that came with his schedules and routines. Wasn't that a noble and selfless enough pursuit to warrant a victory from the fates? Oh why did I have to drop that milk?

She tried not to think of Sheldon and what he must be going through. It just made her too upset and she knew she would need all of her wits about her to get herself out of this situation.

She had walked right into his trap, running into him almost as soon as she stepped out of Sheldon's building. She was surprised to see him in that neighborhood, and told him so. But she didn't notice how he overreacted to the simple question.

While he rattled off several plausible explanations, she just smiled and nodded. She noticed he was sweating profusely, but it didn't register as something she should be concerned about. She really just wanted him to let her continue with her errand so she could get back before Sheldon woke up.

After a couple of minutes of polite conversation Amy started edging away from him in the direction of the Chevron. But he refused to take the hint. For every step she took away from him, he took a step closer. When he lit a cigarette she remembered being surprised because she hadn't realized he was a smoker. Then it hit her.

"It's you!"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Sheldon sat curled into a ball on the corner of his couch in his apartment. The room was dimly lit and reeked of cold pizza and desperation. The fliers had been printed and distributed throughout the neighborhood. Howard and Raj had even plastered them all over the CalTech campus. Now there was nothing left to do but wait … and Sheldon wasn't very good at waiting.

His friends were gathered around him, each afraid that if they left the bond of their circle something bad would happen. Nobody really knew what to say, so conversation was minimal. The emphasis for all of them was in supporting Sheldon, but there wasn't much anyone could do.

So they worried about him and fussed over him until he got up and headed to his room. But he didn't get any farther than the hallway before he turned around and came back to his spot. Nobody had to ask why; the haunted look on his face told them that there were too many ghosts in his bedroom.

Amy's mother called and wanted to speak to Sheldon because she knew that he was the only one who loved Amy as much as she did, but Sheldon wasn't able to talk to her for long. He couldn't stand to be cast in the perfect boyfriend role, especially after he had failed her. And he hated the way Amy's mother kept slipping into past tense. She was afraid of the worst, but Sheldon refused to even consider it.

After disconnecting the call with Amy's mother, he immediately dialed his own. Leonard had already called her with the news, but until now Sheldon had not been strong enough to handle a conversation with her. He knew that simply hearing her voice would push him over the edge.

He also knew that Mary Cooper's straightforward way of looking at things always made him feel better, religious hokum aside. She never played the role of victim. She was a hands-on, get-things-done kind of woman, and that's exactly what Sheldon needed.

"Shelly, baby, is there any news?" She answered on the first ring in mid-sentence. And, just as he suspected, it was enough to bring on the tears.

"No, ma'am. Not yet. I don't know what to do, Mom," he sobbed. "She's gone and I'm so lost without her. I can't even think straight. Me. Sheldon Cooper."

Mary smiled at her son. Even in his lowest moments, his high opinion of himself shines through. Where she once would have scolded herself for not teaching him proper humility, she now considered it a point of pride. If her baby could face what he was facing without losing himself, then she must have done something right.

She spent the next twenty minutes telling him how much she loved him and how much Amy loved him. She told him he was the strongest person she knew as well as the smartest. And she told him that if love conquers all, then he had nothing to worry about. Because what he and Amy has was pure, true, eternal love and that it could not be defeated.

She cried with him, lectured him, and even prayed with him. For once he was grateful for her prayers, just in case there really was a God. There was no point of pride he wouldn't break to get Amy back. Not that he would ever admit it, but he had even prayed himself.

But then, when she was through consoling Sheldon, she got tough. She knew that what he needed was a little fighting spirit and she had plenty to share.

"Now I know that out there in California, everybody really wants to be an actor," she said. "From the guy who fixes your $8 cup of coffee all the way up to the mayor. I guess even the cops are just biding their time till they get their big break. But we are from the great state of Texas. And do you know what everybody in Texas really wants to be?"

"No ma'am," he said, sniffling.

"An outlaw!"

Sheldon smiled for the first time all day. "I hear what you're saying," he said, his accent shining through.

"Be sure that you do," she snapped back. "It's time to fight for what's important to you. And don't let anybody tell you that you can't do it. Rules be damned. Now Shelly, when life gives us lemons, what do we do?"

"Teach life a lesson." He said flatly, as if it was an answer he'd given a million times.

"That's my boy. We don't take stuff lying down, and this won't be any different. We'll get Amy back to you, Sheldon. That is a mother's vow."

Sheldon swallowed back more tears and nodded, even though she couldn't see him.

"Yes, ma'am."

"Now it's late, baby. I want you to go to your bedroom, put on a pair of clean pajamas and go to bed. I'll talk to you in the morning and we'll sort this whole mess out. Sweet dreams, Shelly. I love you."

"I love you too. Thanks Mom."

He dropped his phone onto the cushion beside him and wandered aimlessly to his bedroom. "I'll be right back," he said to no one in particular. The group watched as he ambled away, each of them struggling for something to say to make him feel better.

When he hadn't returned after several minutes, Leonard went to check on him. He knew that Sheldon didn't feel comfortable in his bedroom right now, not after Amy had spent so many nights in there. So he half expected to find Sheldon standing in the hallway afraid to go in. But when he rounded the corner he found Sheldon's door ajar. Easing closer, he heard it ... soft, gut-wrenching sobs that ripped his heart out.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"When did that odd little lump of wool turn into a man magnet?" Penny said with a laugh. It sounded mean, but they all knew that she meant no harm. Despite all the jokes, Penny and Amy really had become besties. And there had been so much crying already. They were all out of tears. So like often happens at funerals, tears turned to laughter.

"Geek magnet maybe," Bernie added.

"More like freak magnet," Howard said under his breath.

Raj frowned at them. "Lay off, guys."

"We're gonna find her, Raj," Penny said. "And when we do, I will teach her my foolproof trick for shaking off creeps who can't take no for answer."

"What trick?" Bernie asked, drawing Howard's attention.

"Simple. I tell them I'm gay."

"What?!" Bernadette wasn't willing to go that far.

"Don't knock it; it works," Penny said with a shrug. "And with her wardrobe, Amy will be very convincing."

"Hey! My cousin is a lesbian!"

"Not cool, Penny!"

"Well that's rude!"

Penny held up her hands against the onslaught. "Relax, it was just a joke. No self-respecting lesbian would be caught dead in those shoes."

"Penny!"

While Penny and Bernadette continued to squabble, Howard and Raj just stared at each other.

"Oh my God," Howard said at last.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Leonard walked slowly into Sheldon's room and found him sitting on the bed with his face buried in what he assumed was Amy's nightgown. He was rocking back and forth wearing nothing but his pajama bottoms and a white t-shirt.

Leonard stood in the doorway for a second trying to control his own emotions. It amazed him to see how far his friend had come. He had grown from an emotionless, asexual android to a real flesh-and-blood boy with feelings that ran deep. For a brief moment, Leonard resented those feelings and almost wished Sheldon could go back to his previous state because he hated seeing him in so much pain. When a sob broke in his own throat, Sheldon turned to look at him. Instead of being embarrassed and trying to stop his tears, Sheldon cried harder.

"She's gone, Leonard. What am I supposed to do now?"

Leonard walked over and sat next to Sheldon. "I wish I knew. All any of us can do is keep the faith. She's out there somewhere and we'll find her."

"I don't think I can stand it," Sheldon said.

"I know, Buddy. You are surrounded by people who love you and we'll help you get through this. We'll help each other. We love her too, you know?"

Sheldon nodded. "I know. And I may not act like it, but I'm really glad you're all here. I can hear how much you want to help and I really appreciate it. Amy will be so pleased to know how much you care."

They sat in silence for awhile before Sheldon spoke again.

"I'm a coward, you know."

"What do you mean?" Leonard asked, puzzled by the change in topic.

"Last night, right here in this bed, Amy and I went farther than we ever have before. She wanted more, but I couldn't do it. I was too afraid. Too worried about myself. And you know what she did? She forgave me. Told me it was fine and that I made her happy. How selfish am I?"

Leonard shook his head. "You're not selfish, Sheldon. Well, not in this instance. What you and Amy are on the verge of is a big step. We've all taken that leap. You just happen to be taking it later than everyone else. To be honest, I envy you."

Sheldon snorted.

"No, really. What you and Amy have is special. More people should wait until they find the right person instead of giving in to their hormones. I wish Penny and I could have been each other's firsts."

"Penny said something very similar."

"Well it's true. Animals have sex, Sheldon. It's just a biological fact of life for them. But with humans there is an emotional aspect that makes it so much more than just biological. When the time is right, you'll know it. And when it happens, savor it."

"You mean if I get another chance."

"No, I mean when you get your chance. And when that day comes, I hope it is magical for both of you. You guys deserve it."

"Hippie," Sheldon said with a smirk. Then he hugged Leonard for a long time.

They separated when they heard Raj calling Sheldon's name. Before they could move, Howard was in the doorway with a wild look in his eyes.

"I know who has Amy."