Chapter Twenty-One: Dreams
"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."
― Dr. Seuss
"A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality."
― John Lennon
"Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake."
― Henry David Thoreau
Wednesday rolled around and I realized that next week is the tournament. But in two days is also my anniversary and I'm starting to get anxious. The boys have yet to notice but I know come tomorrow, it's going to be hell. The voices will rise up because of the fear and I'm going to start unraveling slowly. If the boys notice, they're going to start to wonder what is wrong with the date, wrong with me. I'm not ready to tell them. I told Aone and he's the only one that I trust with my secrets. He's the only one I want to know.
"Katrina! Did you see that?" Hinata yells as he starts jumping up and down.
I look at the ginger and he has the brightest smile possible. My arms are folded across my chest and I nod even though I'm lying. The boy jumps up and down and Kageyama watches him with a scowl. But there is something in the way his eyes watch the smaller boy that is endearing. I smile as the captain comes to my side. The others go back to their spiking drills, balls flying haphazardly through the air.
"You didn't see it didn't you," Daichi comments softly and I make a guilty smile.
The boy chuckles and I watch his smile and the way his eyes close with the motion. He's been happy this week and I guess it's because we have the tournament. He's starting to realize this is his last chance. I have given him as best as a chance I could. Once next week rolls around though, everything will be over.
"Hinata will want me to see something else. It's not like he won't want me to see something in a few seconds," I tell the third year. He chuckles and I see our other coach across the gym. He's talking with Takeda, no doubt about the tournament.
"So the tournament is next week," Daichi starts and then stops slowly. He wants to know something. What it is, I'm not positive if it's good or bad.
"What are you worried about?" I ask quietly and the boy sighs.
Turning away from the boy, I watch the others fly through the air. We are like crows. They fly so beautifully in that air over the court. Tanaka goes to jump and I can see him hit the ball into the wood. Nishinoya misses it but it was only a fingertip away. I smile largely at the spiker to find his hand pushing against his right thigh as he walks. The leg drags and I feel a pit in my stomach with watching it. That isn't right. I should do something about that.
"That boy you're dating—"
"I'm not dating him," I interrupt, forgetting my own worried thoughts. Daichi grunts in disbelief. I pout and glance at the boy who smiles at me teasingly. "We've gone over this."
"Alright, but this friendship with him," the boy stops and I feel my eye start to twitch with annoyance. Just fucking spit it out. Tell me what you don't like about the boy and let's get this over with Daichi. No need to dance around the subject. We are extremely protective of that boy, my voice grumbles. "Do you know we might play against him?"
"Of course I know that. It doesn't change anything. We won't lose," I say strongly even though I have a sick feeling in my stomach.
Will Aone leave me? After all he told me, I can't imagine him leaving me. But things never go my way. I mean, how beautiful will I be to him when he looks at me and sees the loss that he experienced by my hands. I'm not scared though. It's just the feeling of anger because he had to be in our providence, had to be a volleyball player and not basketball or another. Then again, I wouldn't want him to be anything but what he is right now. He's perfect the way he is.
"I know it's going to be hard on you. I just want to let you know that he shouldn't break your friendship when we win. You are an amazing person and anyone would be lucky to have you by their side."
I turn to Daichi and look at him with a slightly disgusted face. Why is he talking like Aone and I are married or something? Does he think we need couples counseling or something? Talking about standing by my side and all that other relationship speech is making me slightly angry. He isn't my boyfriend. Stupid boys for thinking things no matter how much I argue. Daichi examines my face as he smiles largely and then bursts into laughter. I stick my tongue out as Kiyoko comes up to us.
"You make it sound so weird," I tell Daichi as the girl looks at me expectantly.
Over the weekend, next to eating ice cream and watching movie after movie, the girl and I repainted the old banner. It was black with white paint written to say "Fly". It was badass and she wanted to reveal it today. I leave the captain's side as Kiyoko eagerly leads me to the second floor of the gym. I didn't like it very much. The second floor was too thin and the windows always were blackened. It was plain old dangerous looking.
"Kiyoko-san be careful!" Tanaka yells at us and I roll my eyes.
"See, I'm chopped liver. They only have eyes for Kiyoko-san," I tease.
"Katrina, don't you dare fall!" Yamaguchi snaps at me as he looks up worriedly. Kiyoko smiles at me and looks at me while raising a brow.
"I won't," I yell at the scared boy.
When I look over the edge, the first years are looking at me in fear. Even Kageyama has an animated face. I wave at them and they only hesitate. Kiyoko laughs softly and I give her a small smile as she picks up the banner. Together we put it to railing and the boys stop to look at us. They seem intrigued.
"What are you two doing?" Ukai calls out, not doubt going to stop practice to send us all home. Takeda fixes his glasses as he tries to see what's in our hands. Kiyoko looks at me but I shake my head for a moment.
"Kiyoko wanted to do something special since we've come so far," I tell everyone loudly. Kiyoko looks at me sharply and I know she doesn't want to take credit for doing this but she did and it's amazing. "She worked really hard on this and I think you guys should be extremely proud of her."
I release my side of the banner and Kiyoko drops hers. The black banner unravels and shows the boys it's full glory. There are gasps of wonder and then all the eyes fall to my female companion. I even turn to her and the girl blushes as she clutches the railing. She's so pretty. I swear if a boy or someone breaks her hearts, I will break them in two. She is too nice and perfect to have her heart broken.
"Good luck," she says shakily and puts her hair behind her ear. The boys all shout and blush red. I smile at them and even Ukai is looking at the girl in wonder. Kiyoko gives a cough next to me and I know she wants me to stop them from staring.
"Go do your warm down. We can't have you guys falling apart," I yell at them.
The boys all jump and then scatter. Kiyoko looks at me gratefully and I hurry to get off of this high up. I hate being this close to the windows. Something about them still being a touchy subject. It doesn't help that I look down at the wrong moment and the world spins with vertigo. Voices invade me and I stop on the stairs, holding tightly to the railing.
That's because they watch us through the windows. They are watching right now. You can't escape them. We have to go home. We have to hide. Being here makes us vulnerable and they will find us. Leave. We have to leave right now. The pills, they are fogging our mind. They are tricking you into thinking you're safe. We must leave!
"Katrina," a voice whispers. I am sitting on the first step, curled into a ball. Ignoring the voice, I stand shakily and run down the stairs. My breath hitches as I get to the bottom. My fear about the anniversary is terrible. There is a hand on my shoulder as I take in air with gulps. I turn as I swallow and find my teacher worriedly frowning.
"I'm fine. Heights aren't my thing," I reassure and the man nods shakily.
He doesn't believe me. Takeda takes his hand back and I go to my bag. I take out my pills and quickly swallow two down. It's time and that's why the voices came up so easily. Just as I'm going to walk away from my bag, my phone rings. Who is it? I open the phone and immediately feel something is wrong.
"Katrina! How are you doing?" Suoh yells into the receiver.
I cringe and quickly walk out of the gym. If Suoh is calling me in the middle of the week, I know this can't be good. If it was, he would have come in person. It's only when he can't stand to see my hurt that he calls me. Suoh is only going to tell me something that will cause me to break and we both know it. I struggle to get words out and cough to keep the hoarse sound from creeping into my words.
"I'm me," I reply and the man's voice changes. Suoh hacks a cough out and I know for sure that this isn't right. It becomes deeper and I know this isn't good at all.
"Well I just wanted to call you to change your appointment with Hana. You are going to see her on Saturday," he tells me coldly.
"What?" I whisper.
"Thursday you aren't going to Sendai. You're going to go on Saturday," he replies and the chill in his voice travels throughout my whole body.
I walk across the path and head to the school. I'm quiet as I try to understand why he would do this to me. As I get to the girl's locker room that no one ever uses, I lock the door and slide down the wall. My body makes itself small and I bring my knees into my chest. My world is going to crumble. My arms ache and my head hurts. I tried to kill myself so many years ago. Was I supposed to die? Maybe I'm living on borrowed time.
"Why are you doing this?" I ask Suoh quietly.
The man doesn't answer and I know he's trying to find the strength to hang up. He isn't letting me go to the city on Thursday. I am not going to see Aone. Maybe the boy won't show up and I won't feel the rejection and the pain of his hatred. Or what if he thinks I don't want to be with him and he leaves me forever. I can just tell him what Suoh is doing. It's no guarantee though. I can't do this.
"I know that the date is coming up, but I think it would better to have the appointment the day after. If you don't think you can handle it, you can always come stay the week at the clinic. I can come pick you up tonight," Suoh voices and I know that this is what he wanted from the beginning.
He wants me back at the clinic but he's too much of a coward to actually tell me that to my face. So now he's going to break me to get me back. I am going to break with what he's doing. We can't go back, my voice argues. I know we can't. We have finally gotten a life. We've finally told someone everything and they didn't leave me. This is what i'm supposed to be doing. I can't go back yet. I can't leave the boys. Aone needs me too. I need that boy and train rides and the silence. Oh god, how I need the silence.
"You're a coward," I hiss and I slam the phone shut.
My tears start to burst forward and I thrust my hand into the socket to keep them at bay. Damn Suoh and damn those doctors. They don't want to help me. They just want to make their name infamous and I'm nothing but a means to a green moneyed end. How dare they believe they could act like my friends for a second? My mind is so muddled and I don't know what to do anymore.
"Katrina," a voice calls out as a knock is on the door next to me. The voice is bored and I stay quiet, hoping that they would go away. The doorknob jiggles and there is a second knock. "Are you okay? Coach Ukai is getting worried since you disappeared."
"Go away Tsukki," I yell out and the boy sighs on the other side of the door. He knocks again and I can feel my chest rise and fall with fear. I can't deal with this right now. "Tsukki, I'm not playing. Just leave me alone!"
"Katrina-"
"I don't need you Tsukki. Just get out of here!"
The words must come out harsher than I normally am with the boy because the world grows silent. I shouldn't have said that. I can discern a muttered complaint and then steps leaving. Damnit, now Tsukki's going to be pissed. I normally don't push him away like that. If anyone could bother me into not escaping their company it's Tsukki. Today is just a big old mess up. Should I even be here to ruin everyone's lives?
Would everyone be happier without me? If I wasn't here, the boys wouldn't have to deal with my mood swings. I wouldn't have just hurt the fragile little boy named Tsukishima. I would want to believe that I don't need them but I wouldn't be this happy without everyone. This is such a one sided relationship I have with them. They would still be perfect volleyball players if I wasn't here. There is no need for me.
Maybe this is not right. Maybe I'm just thinking they don't need me so if they decide that they really don't, then I wouldn't be hurt. It would still hurt though. If they were to leave me, I don't know how I would put myself back together and learn to trust. It would be impossible if they left me, if Aone left me. I can't think about this. This is just going to drive me over the edge. I have to make it through the week.
But one thing that we need is to talk to Aone. If I don't show up at the station, he's only going to get worried. I would have rather had two psyche appointments than just the one. I could have seen Aone and then Doctor Morinozuka. Suoh doesn't want that though. I inhale sharply as I open my phone and text Aone. The reply doesn't come and I just sit in the dark, waiting for the end to come. The end to my dreams is coming.
Since I opened my eyes on the anniversary, my stomach has been sick. My hands would shake every now and then. I swear I didn't listen to a word that came out of my teachers' mouths. Nurse Ito was concerned beyond belief but didn't push me to do anything that I couldn't do. Kageyama would look at me worriedly through all of our breaks and rotations and classes. I was breaking hard.
"Katrina," a voice calls. My brain is so foggy with fear.
Someone is calling my name. I turn to my left as I enter the gym and find Suga watching me carefully. The boys are huddled in a circle and their faces are concerned. I look at them blankly as I try to discern why they would be so worried. They probably noticed that I'm quiet. My hand scratches my elbow and I notice my sleeve is pulled up, revealing my stark white bandages.
"You guys need to start practice. We are on borrowed time," I tell them and the last two words ring in an echo through my mind. That's what I'm on: borrowed time.
You aren't supposed to be alive. You should have died back then. But you're nothing but a failure. You couldn't even kill yourself correctly. These boys don't need your failure to remind them that they will only fail. You can't have them win. They aren't strong enough. No one can help you because you are worthless to them. You should have died then.
"What's wrong with your arm?" Someone asks me shakily. I don't answer as my vision skews. I turn away and look at the court. Should I even be here? I don't know anymore.
"Go start your warm up," a voice says and I know somehow it was my own. I didn't feel like I said it, but I know it did.
Steps on wood replace the echo of 'borrowed time' that had yet to cease. Today I'm bad. What am I going to do when I have to go home? It's dangerous there. Maybe I can just sneak out and sleep in the gym. It would be much safer than at home with the voices. At least then, I could be alone with silence but not anywhere near knives or razors or matches. The voices are just going to get worse.
"What's wrong?"
My vision shifts and I turn towards the voice. Nishinoya is looking at me with a frightened expression. The others have listened to me and are running out the gym. The distance between us closes and I put my arm out. My hand misses his shoulder and I take a gulp of air. My fingers finally find his warm body and I squeeze. The action grounds me and Nishinoya who never looks like he can be anything but happy, seems terrified.
"Go do your warm up. It's not your fault," I murmur and try to smile. My face falls back into its blank regard soon after and the boy bites his lips. He trembles as an angry look passes over his eyes.
"Don't treat us like this Katrina. We know something is wrong. Stop lying to us," Noya yells in my face.
I don't even feel the sting of his anger. I only feel cold all of a sudden. Maybe that was the actual reaction to his rage. My hand falls off of his shoulder and I turn away. The boy has a hurt look as I take one last glance. My heart clenches and I hate myself for making them sad. I hate myself for making them hurt when all they are is too concerned for me.
"Warm up."
The boy scoffs and then runs out the gym. They can't know. If I really do break tonight, they should see me as how they did instead of what I really am. If I do break, then I would leave and they would never see me ever again. Might as well let them remember me as the me that I tried to be for them. I don't want them to remember me as the girl that broke in front of them.
I wait silently as my mind rages on. The boys come back and Ukai shows himself along with our faculty director. They watch me as I watch the boys. None of the boys stop their worried glances but I can't stop the voices in my head. Twenty minutes into their scrimmage, I take my pills out and swallow them down. The medication hits fifteen minutes later and I begin to revert to my old self. I watch the boys with a clearer mind and see Tsukki go up late for a block.
"Tsukki, you have jump a little earlier," I tell him across the court and the boys all stiffen with my voice. They don't move and then Tsukki is the one who breaks.
"Look at her," he says sharply. "She's finally manifested."
"What?" I whisper but the boy turns on me. He stomps over and I can see the hurt in his eyes. He never got over me pushing him away. I had never done that and it hurt him to think that I didn't need him.
"You can't just do that," he yells and I can see his eyes darkened behind his glasses. My stomach turns and maybe I shouldn't have swallowed my pills dry. Tsukki now looks at me from above and I feel so small. My mind is too tired. I'm just so tired. "You can't pick and choose."
"Tsukki," I open my mouth but he groans, face growing harder.
"You don't want us, don't want to coach us, and don't want us to know what's wrong. That's fine but then don't act like you care about us then," he spits out. Now he's just being mean. My hands go to my stomach as I feel the punch in my gut. He thinks I don't care about them. That's what they think when they see that I'm not telling them what's wrong with me.
"That's not what is happening," I argue weakly.
Tsukki's hand clenches itself and a fist forms. I don't fear the boy but the voices start to scream. My mind is emptied of everything but the shrieks. Tsukki's mouth opens but I can't hear it as my lip trembles and my ears close to the world outside my mind. My hands grasp my stomach and feel something rise up. My feet turn and I'm out of the gym.
My hands roughly clutch the metal of the trash outside as I keel over in pain. The world seems so different from what it feels like normally. My body hurts and aches as I tremble. My stomach is emptied and I feel my nails dig into the rusted sides of the trash. With spasms I finally can breathe once again. A hand rubs my back but the tears come out of my eyes as I slap the body away.
There is someone yelling and I don't know what the words are exactly. I don't know if I want to know. The sun is orange as it highlights my blurred vision. My body aches and my head pounds as I rise, finished with the trash. I step away from the bin and find Daichi and Suga next to me. My arm gestures them away and I attempt to walk to the gym. I nearly fall and catch myself on the wall of the building.
"Katrina," the name sounds like it was spoken in a swimming pool. I look at Suga and his lips are forming words, the communication lost to me.
"Get my bag. I need to go home," I tell the boys and they just stiffen. I run a hand along my arm as I shake. My voice rises and I know that this will get me where I need to go. "Get me my damn bag. I am going home!"
The boys flinch and then they look at one another. They shake their heads but Ukai has come out to see what is going on. The man doesn't say a thing but looks at me as I huff with anger. He nods, goes back into the building and returns with my satchel. I meet him and tug my bag from his hand. He seems unsure but doesn't hold me back. I turn around and the two third years move to follow me.
I glance back with a deadly glare. Don't follow me, I am going to destroy myself today. I may have lived, but tonight will change everything. Something will end, I just know it. The boys step back with my look and I force my legs to move forward. My hands hold my strap with a white knuckle grip. My brain hazes and I don't know how I even got home.
The fact doesn't change that I lost the minutes between the two destinations and I have my key in my door. What happened? How did I get home? I can't say that I actually remember. My hand opens the door and I walk inside. My bag drops at the door and I kick off my shoes next to it. I need to take precautions.
Quickly going to the kitchen, I take out a large pitcher. I fill the glass with water as I open the drawers. Knives begin to fill my hands and I throw it in the rising water. I should have done this in the morning but I didn't think I would be this bad. I should have expected the worst. The water tops off and I grab a plastic container, filling that with water also. My legs carry me into the bathroom as I take out my razors and bring them to the container.
With all the weapons in the water, I open the freezer and stuff them in. They'll freeze and I won't be able to get to them. My hand shakes as I open another drawer and take out matches. I get a cup and place the handful of matches in the cup except for one. I light the match with the now empty box and drop it into the glass. The flame burns hot and I watch the small fire with interest.
My fingers cross over the heat before I snap out of its curse. I drop water into the glass, expelling the flames. The dirty glass sits in the sink and I just breathe hard for a moment. How many days have gone by that I've been this bad? I pull my hair and unravel it from its braid. How long will I have to stay awake tonight because the voices are going to scream at me?
Go change and stop thinking about this, my voice screams over the garbles. I nod to no one and head to my room. My uniform is stripped and I place it neatly into the hamper. I put on a large shirt and spandex shorts. My body is so hot all of a sudden. I need to do something to distract myself. The sun is setting and the darkness will be here soon. I am only going to get worse.
My eyes settle onto the hamper and I empty it. Making piles, I put the first one into the washer. I'll do laundry. The washer begins to moan as I start a cycle. My shaking hands put soap into the running water. Softener goes in the compartment as I close my eyes. My head hurts so much and my body aches. I'm tired. I close the door and then lower myself to the floor.
With my back to the washer, I lay my head against the moving machine. Silence. That's all I'm asking you for god. God doesn't listen to me and I just continue to be left with voices that are driving me insane. I shouldn't have yelled at Tsukki like the voices are yelling at me. I shouldn't have been so mean days ago. I shouldn't have treated Daichi and Suga like I did when they were only worried.
My mind doesn't allow me to count the time that I'm sitting against the washer on the floor and reminiscing on all the wrongs I have ever done. Instead I only have the sun and the washer to tell me that I have been sitting here for too long. The cycle has already gone through and the sun has set completely, house pitch black. I move to get up but there is a sound somewhere in the house.
My eyes flick back and forth in the hall as I hear my phone ringing. My legs somehow fall under me as I stumble through the apartment. My phone continues to ring as I pry it from my bag. I open it without checking the caller ID and wait for someone to say something on the other line. My head hurts as I attempt to blink away the pain.
"Hello?" I realize. They called me. I have to speak first.
"Are you okay?" a deep voice asks. My brain is slow to comprehend that this is Aone. My mouth flaps open and then closes. I bite my lip as I curl into a ball in the corner of the front room. The darkness hides me and my eyes don't pulse with the tears falling or maybe it's because of the lack of sunlight.
"Do you want the truth?" I ask shakily and the boy on the other side is silent. For a moment I think that he's gone and that this all just a sick joke my mind has played on me. Maybe Aone never existed. No one could ever believe I was beautiful.
"I'm coming over. Tell me your address," he coaxes softly. I inhale sharply and shake my head.
"I'm a mess Aone. You shouldn't see me like this. Today is not a good day. You shouldn't come," I beg but the thought of having him here is soothing.
I won't be afraid I would do something so drastic. I couldn't go over the edge if he were here. The silence from the receiver is deafening. For the moment, the voices don't even speak. I only hear Aone's breathing and my own falling tears. Then there is other voices on the other side. Boys discuss something about leaving and there is a grunt of a reply.
"I'm coming. Address," Aone commands strongly but at the same time so gently. I bite my lip and curl my toes into the rug. My mouth spills out my address before I could really decide. The boy makes a noise of confirmation and doesn't speak up. He also doesn't hang up. I can hear his soft breathing as I close my eyes once again.
"They're so loud," I whisper into the receiver as the voices gain ground. The darkness is now my enemy and my eyes open as the voices begin again.
They are coming for us. That boy will bring them with him. He is evil. We must run. We must escape them. The pills are tainting us. Get up! We have to leave. They are watching. Can't you see them? The people in the shadows. They are going to get us. We must leave now!
The shadows dance and I could swear I saw tendrils of arms creeping to me. My legs kicked at them but the black hands kept creeping closer. I pull myself further into a ball and turn to the wall. This is all a bad dream. There are no monsters out there. There is nothing out there. I just have to make it until Aone gets here. I just have to hold on until then.
The phone buzzes in my hand and I realize I must have hung up on the boy when I got scared. I open the phone secretly, glad that Aone didn't call again. I don't think I would be able to speak or even hear him. My eyes blink and finally comprehend the words on the screen.
I'll be there in fifteen minutes. Hold on. I'm coming. Please just hold on.
The message is so panicked that I can feel the fear in the words. Aone is scared. I'm scared too. I'm so far gone and the voices just keep screaming. I threw up. My pills. I threw up the pills and that's why I'm so vulnerable right now. It's fine though. Aone is almost here. He's almost here. I just have to hold on. My mind is so full and my throat aches. Talk, my own voice whispers, sing and focus on that. My mouth widens and I force syllables and then words and then phrases into the air. I don't even remember what I sing. All I know is that I do for a while.
There is a sound behind me but I believe it to just be my crazy mind. But it isn't my imagination. My mouth still forms the words of the song as a body approaches my corner. Arms reach out from behind me and strong hands take hold of my shoulders. My body stops rocking back and forth. My hands cover my face but the arms pick my small body up. I open my scared eyes to find a strong face shadowed by what little light flows into the room.
My eyes well up with tears and I reach up. Wrapping my arms around Aone's neck, I feel relieved that he's here. The boy crushes me to his body and I silently cry. My head hurts so much. Everything will be find though. Aone is here now. The boy carries me to the couch a small distance away. He places me softly on the cushions and then travels through the darkness. I curl up once again and light illuminates the room.
Aone's face is worried and I watch him as he stands a few feet from me. His hands are on his hips but the strong palms are rubbing against his black shirt. He's unsettled. He still wears his gym pants and I can see that he must have come straight from practice. The most worrisome thing is that he keeps biting his bottom lip. He's scared.
My mind focuses on him and I lift my right arm, hand reaching towards him. The boy comes over quickly and stands within my grasp. I hold his arm and pull him down for me to wrap my arms around him. He lowers himself and I put my left arm over his shoulder as my right goes under his arm at an angle. I rub his back as I stop any more tears from running. I can't scare him too much. He came for me but I can't scare him.
"I'll be okay now. Thank you for coming. I'll be okay now that you're here. Thank you," I chant like a mantra. The boy puts one arm around me and the other pets my hair down. I'll be safe with Aone.
I release the boy a moment later and he straightens his back. His face is still a little worried but there is a light in his eyes. My head pounds as I move to stand. The boy puts his arms out to push me back but I give him a strong look. His arms retract and I know I have to do something to distract myself.
Looking at Aone, I see a bag on the floor by mine. How did he even get in here? I didn't lock the door did I? Just when I feel my mind start to falter, Aone's stomach growls—loudly at that. I glance at his face and see him blush deeply. A smile makes its way onto mine and I slowly shuffle to the kitchen. Aone follows like a part of me and I open the fridge. A large container of stew sits on a shelf and I take it out.
"Do you want some bread or rice with your stew?" I ask the boy. Aone flails slightly and shakes his head. I look up at him and just smile softly. "I have to distract myself and you're hungry. So tell me, bread or rice?"
Aone shakes his head with a frown and I just sigh. My hand clutches the kitchen counter as another wave of thoughts invade my brain. My head pounds and then my vision shows white spots. I have such a bad headache from getting sick and then all of the crying I've done. Maybe I'm actually dehydrated. Aone places a hand on my shoulder as I bring my free hand up to rub my temple.
The boy starts a circle motion on my back and I force myself to take deep breaths. The moment of fear and pain passes with Aone's help. I shake my head and turn to face the boy. He stares at me with concern and I pat his arm gently. He nods and I go about making him dinner. I don't think I can stomach having any food.
"I'll make both then," I proclaim as I open up a cupboard. Aone's hand is in my view as I take out the rice cooker. He points softly to the machine and I smile up at him. "Only rice?"
The boy nods minutely and I go about the kitchen as I get the necessary items. I stop for a moment as I open the drawer and find no knives. You put them in ice you blockhead, my voice screams jovially. I shake my head to get the voices to stop and complete all of my tasks. The stew and rice are now making and I hand Aone a cup of tea I had started.
The boy looks into the cup and then down at me. He seems happy but I can see in his eyes that he's unsure. I smile at him softly. He actually came for me. No one ever does anything just for me. My parents don't and neither do the doctors. The boys try but I'm still their coach. Aone came just for me. I feel my face heat and butterflies in my stomach.
"So," I mutter to try to get myself from embarrassing both of us. "I assume you're going home at some point. Are you staying the night?"
The boy's eyes widen and I swallow hard with my words. It's not like I really need him to stay. I mean, I can handle the voices now that he's here. They'll go down. Him staying isn't like a weird thing that you do when you're friends. Even though I think he's really good looking and totally wouldn't mind kissing him or hugging him or doing anything with him. This is weird. This isn't weird.
"Yes," the boy booms a little loudly.
I jump and face him quickly only to find him red up to the ears. He avoids my eyes and I blush hard. I finally can't take this awkwardness and grab his arm, dragging him to the couch. I push him down and then sit next to him as I put on the television. It immediately goes back to the movie I was watching before. The movie is of course My Best Friend's Wedding. Aone tilts his head at the movie next to me and I can tell he doesn't know it.
Smiling, I decide not to change the movie, instead making the subtitles for Japanese—not surprisingly a setting since Suoh gave me the movie—and leaving the voices in English. I grab the blanket next to me and wrap myself in it as the movie starts. Aone silently drinks his tea and I attempt to not stare at him. He really did come though and it blows my mind. The movie plays on and I feel the voices rise up with the normal action.
My heart pounds and my shoulders shudder as I exert the force to keep them down. My stomach is so empty today and it hurts as I swallow hard. My hands curl around the blanket harder and I close my eyes. I can feel a light sweat come to my forehead as I become deafened to the English voices from the movie. My toes crunch and I think that the voices are going to break me when I feel something pull me back to earth and the other side of the couch.
I open my eyes to find that Aone is shaking me lightly. His eyes are the size of the moon and I get lost in the color. The boy pulls me into his side and I sigh as the contact helps me. I curl into his side and just concentrate on his strong breathing. His arm goes around my shoulder and he resumes watching the movie as I regain my mind. The voices become the normal low whispers and I sink further into the boy. This is nice. He's so nice.
Time passes and the movie is partly through when I rise shakily to get dinner. Aone pauses the movie—his whole expression saying he was intent on the turn it would take—and follows me to the kitchen. He hands me his now empty cup and I refill it with some tea. The boy looks at me as I take out two bowls for him. I hand him one with the step and then grab a spoon and chopsticks for his rice, all while getting another bowl with his starch. I push him lightly towards the table and the large boy allows me to direct his path.
As he sits, I hand him his food and he stares at me intently. I smile at him as I fold my legs on the chair next to his, watching the steam from the dinner. I finally realize Aone is concerned when he pushes the rice towards me. I push it back towards him and he grimaces. Oh, he must want me to eat. I shake my head with a sad smile. i doubt I can hold anything down right now. But the boy will have none of my refusals, getting up in one swoop and returning quickly with a bowl of rice and another pair of chopsticks. I frown at him but he places the food in front of me and huffs.
He lowers himself back into his spot next to me and I grab the bowl of rice in my hand. For the first time since he got here, I noticed something very different about me. My arms were open and merely covered in the bandages. I normally have them under sleeves even if I have them wrapped. But instead, I forgot that I even had to cover them when I'm with the boy. That is how comfortable I am with him. I am so comfortable, I can forget my largest shame. He makes me feel like the person I want to be and not the person the voices tell me I am.
"Eat," Aone tells me softly.
I stop thinking about things that will only be ruined by my mind and look at my companion. He gives me a strong look and I sigh as I dig into the bowl. I eat slowly and the boy nods as he grows a small accomplished smile. He seems so happy with me. I don't understand how he can be so happy with me. I need him so much more than he needs me, yet he still can smile at me like this. My cheeks hurt as I smile so brightly at Aone. He startles at my look and I blush as I look back into my bowl. The voices try to yell at me that the feelings are all false but I know that they are the only real things I have right now.
He won't stay though. You can't allow him to stay with you. You're a poison to him. once we go to that tournament next week, he will hate us. He will leave us when he loses to those boys you coach. He will see you for what we are. He is only going to lead us to those people following us. We have to elave him now. If he stays, he is only staying because he feels bad for you. You are so pathetic to think that he actually sees you with anything other than pity.
"Aone?" I ask quietly as I bite my lip. The voices bring up a good point and I don't want to think about what would happen if we do play him next week. I wonder if he's thought about it. "What if we play against each other?"
My voice is shaky as I realize that the fact of why I shouldn't have gotten close to him is now upon us. If I beat him, he will only feel regret and anger. If I beat him, then he would feel bad for me. but I know we won't lose. The boys have trained so hard. Can I still look at Aone if we lose? I don't want to think that I would hate him, but what if I do? My eyes make their way to Aone and he sees that I'm scared of what will happen. Will I break if we face each other on the court—even if we're on different places on the wood?
"We play," he tells me blankly and I blink. I nod my head and then look back into my bowl. He can't hold back when we play. I can't have him regret trying to keep our friendship and ruining his chances with his team. I can't have that. I can't.
"Promise me something again," I say angrily. I'm angry about us being on separate sides of this sport. Why couldn't he have been at Karasuno? Why couldn't I have been at Date Tech? Why did I have to get involved with boys volleyball? Why? I just want to be happy. Why is it so hard for me to just be happy?
Aone grunts and I look at him once again. The boy's brown eyes are determined and I feel my heart skip a beat. I don't think he will stay after all. I hope he does. Why do I have doubt his words? Is it because I have been alone for so long? Is it because I was abandoned by the people who should have been the closest to me? Is it because my team made me a spectacle rather than supporting me? Is it because the voices tell me otherwise? But he is here. He hasn't left. He's amazing beyond words for that.
"Promise me that you won't go easy on me. Promise me that you will leave everything on that court when we play," I proclaim. The boy nods and then does something surprising. He puts out his hand and sticks his pinky towards me. I look at the large hand and then back at him. He smiles gently and I take his finger within mine. He squeezes and nods strongly. I smile at him but I'm worried. Aone grabs my hand and holds it as he resumes eating, a little clumsily without his dominant hand. I hold it back and try to finish my rice as a pit forms in my stomach.
Aone doesn't release my hand the rest of the night, whether to reassure me or because he is worried about the same things that flood my mind, I'm not quite sure. Though I do not complain. We leave the dishes for the morning, finish the movie and I nearly fall asleep as the voices continue to plague my mind. Aone might chase them away from the surface, but there is no quick fix cure for me. The boy can't fix me, but he does help me immensely. I am going to have to talk to the boys on Monday. I know I won't be able to make my appointment in the capital and practice. They're going to get worried.
Aone shakes my hand after a long time and I notice the television show we had started has now finished. I look over at the boy and he yawns largely. It was really cute actually. He rubs his eyes with his free hand and I stand up. I should give him fresh blankets for the futon. The boys normally don't take them down since they stay over a lot and the second bedroom is empty. I pull Aone up and take him to the second bedroom. Finally letting go of him, I open the closet and hand him two pillows and three blankets.
"The bathroom is down the hall and you can sleep on any futon you want. If you need anything, I'll be in the next room. Okay?" I ask him sleepily.
I'm tired too. The boy nods as he yawns again and I leave him. Going into my own room, I leave the door slightly open. I can hear Aone go into the bathroom and then come out a couple of minutes later. I close my eyes from my bed but the voices start to get worse. My head pounds and I just want to sleep. I can't and for a while I just stare at the ceiling while I get yelled at constantly. I finally get up and just sit in the bed as my eyes are heavy with fatigue. My legs swing off the bed and I grab a blanket as I wrap it around me. I leave my bedroom quietly and notice that the clock in the hall says two in the morning.
I look towards the other door and don't know what to do. I'm so tired. The voices quiet if I'm with Aone but he's asleep. He was tired. I shouldn't wake him. That would be asking too much. But maybe he's awake. I can check. My legs carry me to the room with the door wide open. Aone is hanging off the futon and isn't covered by the blankets that slid off him.
I smile gently at the boy and step lightly to his sleeping body. Grabbing the blankets, I put them on top of him. He shifts and then turns to me, eyes fluttering open in the darkness. I stiffen and blush at getting caught red-handed in his bedroom. The boy takes a moment to discern that I am not a dream and he tries to get up. I shake my head and wave at him erratically.
"I'm sorry. I just couldn't sleep and the voices were just loud, so I decided to walk around. I'm sorry I woke you up," I apologize quickly.
The boy puts his arm out and I go closer to him, having tried to escape in my rant. His hand grabs the edge of my blanket and he pulls me closer as his other hand grabs another futon set up close to him. He drags the bed next to his and pulls me down onto the empty futon. I fall clumsily and the boy hands me an extra pillow. I take it as I sit on the bed. Aone gestures for me to lay down but when I open my mouth to complain, he groans in frustration. He's tired, just do what he wants, my voice instructs through the haze.
I sigh as I lay down next to him. He lays on his back and pulls the futon closer to him. The beds are inches away from each other and I lay on side staring at him. Aone turns his head and smiles dreamily at me. I feel my damn breath catch and I want him to look at me like that forever. He seems me as so beautiful but nothing could be more perfect than his expression right now.
I put right arm under the pillow as I lay on my right side towards him. Aone turns onto his stomach and he reaches out for me once again. He turns his head towards me and grabs my left arm from the top of the blankets. He intertwines our fingers and bends our arms so that they are between our beds. I feel warm as the boy sighs and then closes his eyes.
It takes me a couple of minutes to calm my beating heart and even longer to convice myself to stop watching Aone's soft breathing. I didn't think that anything could be better than the dreams that Aone instilled in me. Because for once in my life, my life was the dream and sleep wasn't the best thing that could ever happen to me—my life was.
We are going to get to the tournament in the next chapter. I asked for like a week off from work becuase I am so burned out it's not even funny. I swear I did like twenty pages of essays last week and then all of my finals. It was hell. I worked until one and I wanted to write so bad but I had to study. So sorry for the late update! We'll have one once a week now because of the break. Also thank you to everyone who told me good luck in the comments! You guys are so awesome, I really don't know what I would have done. I was so stressed and it helped a lot. Thank you to anyone who ever comments really. It makes my week actually. Thanks for making it this far! I hope you like the story!
As always, follow, fave, review, obsess. (Loves yous guys)