Food Fit For A KING

Chapter 21:

I woke up groggily, the pain from my foot only a dull pain radiating up to my knee cap. It was rather irritating for it to still hurt but I was just glad it only hurt this much right now. If it hurt anymore, I'd probably knock myself out again. However, at the moment, I could bare it.

My last dream had been more intense and just thinking about it woke me up more to reality. I could feel his fingers and his breath on my neck. There were goosebumps on my arms, forcing a shiver that wracked my whole body. Gulping hard on my dry throat, I looked around my room. It was empty of people and for some reason, it made me sad. Then again, I bet they'd be kicked out after an amount of time being in there. The last place I remember being was in a plastic bubble, now I was in a pair of actual pajama pants I knew as being mine, and a tank-top that was also mine. My room was also white, small, and I was sitting underneath blue sheets. Rubbing my head, I let out a sigh.

"I probably look like crap." I groaned to myself. I flipped the blanket off my legs and stared right at my shiny foot. So this was me now? I officially had a scar to beat the one on my back. My right hand reached over for the glass of water on my bed side table, my mind wanting to get rid of one pain at a time. First the dry mouth, then the greasy, dirty hair, then, the throbbing in my foot.

Just as I brought the cup to my lips, I heard the door handle jiggle. I swallowed the water and looked to the door as it slowly opened a crack.

"Hello?" I called out. Only then, a crutch swung through the door and lightly pushed it open. My eyes widened as two crutches came in, then a limping body swinging in after it. The person had their face down in concentration to get into the room, but I would know that pitch black, bowl cut anywhere.

"Lee." I smiled, placing the cup down. I Pushed on the sit up button on the bedside table remote to sit up better. Lee looked up with a smile, a giant bandage on his cheek, but still that glimmer in his eyes.

"Hello Kimi," He grinned, shutting the door with his crutch. Lee then set to limp/crutch to the seat next to me ad slowly slip into it. "How are you feeling?" He asked, placing his crutches over his lap.

"How do I look… and don't lie!" I laughed, before coughing and putting my hands to my chest. My dry lungs burned at the laughter, but it felt good to laugh again. Rubbing my collar a bit, I smiled to Lee and reached out a hand to him.

"Do I have to answer that?" I shook my head as he grasped my hand and gripped it tightly. That's when his eyes traveled to my foot and I let out a sigh. Here it goes, him asking why I did what I did. Him telling me if I had done the right thing and stayed in the arena, I would have been safe and still have a foot. My smile fell as I watched his eyes intently. I readied myself to explain my actions, when the words spilled from his lips.

"I'm so jealous."

I blinked, my brain stopping mid explanation. Did he just say he was jealous of me? I gaped and situated myself so I could look at him easier, cocking a brow. How could he be jealous of me, me with my predicament and what I had to face going home. I was no one to be envious of.

"You, you received a new foot, a foot you can command and make do what you will and act like it was the one you lost…" His eyes traveled to his legs. I eyed him confused. I hadn't been at the prelims where I learned Gaara had taken his dreams from him. My Gaara destroyed him, and now he was here, jealous of me. At least he didn't love the man, at least he could leave him and get away. I was stuck with him, and I knew I couldn't do anything to get away.

"Lee, Please don't envy me." I groaned, looking at him with furrowed brows. "I know you'll find a way to get around this." I smiled lightly at him. His eyes were full of worry as he looked back to me. I could just feel the uncertainty in his eyes, begging for me to prove it but I couldn't I couldn't even prove I was going to be okay. He was already walking and visiting people, I was laying in the bed, afraid to even stand on my real foot atleast. There was, however, nothing for him to envy me about either way! I was pathetically in love with a monster, alone, without a father, without a mother, and a whole family who needed me to take care of them. There was something missing.

"Kimi, I don't know what to do." He whispered, looking to his lap. I closed my eyes and sighed.

"Neither do I…" I added. Only, the sound of footsteps made my eyes open to the door where Miyuko stood, a tearful smile on his face and a handful of flowers. Everyone stood behind him, all teary eyed and smiling at me being awake. Lee looked up to my family as I could feel tears welding up in my eyes. That part of me, the part that was missing, didn't seem so huge at the moment but I could feel it stabbing at my heart as Shiro, my youngest brother came bounding into the room and into my lap.

"Kimi! Kimi, please don't leave us again!"

I smiled, tears beginning to stream down my face as he wrapped his arms around me and buried himself in my chest. I held him close then looked to Lee, furrowing my brows at him. He eyed my brothers with a sigh, and there was a clinging sorrow to his eyes that I knew he wouldn't shake. I shot out a hand to grab his and smiled.

"Kimi, get well." He whispered, squeezing my hand back before getting to his feet the best he could. I watched him hobble away before wiping away the tears in my eyes away. I then held Shiro closer as the whole lot of them came piling into the room. Sian stood next to my older brother, holding his hand but smiling at me.

"How do you feel, Kimi?" Jio and Rio chimed in together, putting the matching twin teddy bears holding fake flowers on my bed side table. I let out a sigh and let Shiro rest in the crook of my arm, laying beside me in the bed.

"I feel like someone ripped my leg off then burned what was left of it to keep my leg from bleeding, then chakra stitched on a fake one." I spoke, looking at the two who grimaced and dropped it. I hated people asking me how I felt, because it made me feel weak. Besides, I was fine now, I knew I couldn't walk at the moment, I didn't want to try, but in a day, day and a half tops I could be back up on my feet and go back home where I won't feel like a war criminal.

"Kimi, I'm so sorry about mistaking you for being kidnapped… with dad and…" Miyuko trailed out. Sian rubbed his hand before looking to me in the eyes.

"What Miyuko is trying to say, is he was worried the second you left, but your father didn't seem worried and even told us not to worry. Then he died and no one knew where you went." Sian spoke, tilting her head at me. "We wish you had told all of us your plan."

I nibbled my lip before brushing the hair out of Shiro's face, seeing the face of the youngest of my house hold. Blinking back tears and swallowing the guilt and hurt in my chest, I looked up to Sian.

"I'm sorry, I hadn't planned on it… it just happened. And I never thought… I…I never thought he would…." And that's when it crashed and hit me like a tidal wave. My father was dead, my father was never going to hold me again, never going to kiss my hand and tell me I had the hands of a food goddess. I would never be his little chef again! Now both my parents were dead, and the death of them both bore on me as if it was my fault for both.

"Kimi!" Heroshi blurted out, sitting at my feet, placing a hand at my knee. "Please Kimi, don't cry." He whispered. But it was too late. I began to sob, full out tears running down my face at the speed of light, soaking my tank-top, gasping for breath and hands holding the now sobbing Shiro to me.

"Kimi, he died in his sleep, you couldn't have kept him from dying!" Kenishima stated, stepping up and handing me a tissue. Like the hero he was, he saved Shiro from getting snot all over his soft hair. I rubbed my nose before chucking it in the trash.

"But… Now… they're both gone! And… I… I can't stand this feeling in me, this voice in my head constantly, CONSTANTLY screaming that it's my fault!" I cried, pushing Shiro up and out of my arms. No, I couldn't have this come up! I needed work, I needed to get away from this. This pain that was only adding to the stabbing in my chest, I wanted to escape.

"Kimi, stop! You're not healed!" Miyuko blurted. But I didn't listen. I ripped the blankets off and slipped my now throbbing feet off the bed. I needed to go now!

"I'm fine, I'm fine." I spoke, pushing up. Firoma lunged to help, but he was too late, I forced myself up onto my feet and the fire shot up my leg and into my chest. I gasped and fell to my knees, the fire engulfing my whole body, but my hands caught on the bars of the bed and kept me from falling to my face. I began to hyperventilate, attempting to swallow the pain but it was spreading through like a fatal disease.

"Kimi, stop before you harm yourself!" Sian cried, bolting to my side. I, however, put a hand out and shoved her lightly to keep her from helping me. Tears were still streaming on my face.

"No! I need to get working!" I cried, pulling myself up purely by upper arm strength to my weak feet that felt like Jell-o.

"Why are you trying so hard, you're going to kill yourself!" Heroshi cried out, standing. That's when the words spilled from my lips and the tears just wouldn't stop.

"BECAUSE I KILLED HER!" I screamed, my arms shaking as the tears wracked my body. I could just see it now. I went out to get something, and within seconds there was a large explosion. I had done it! I had let the gas out into the house, I had set it up for her to die. "I KILLED MOTHER, AND YOU ALL BLAME ME FOR IT!"

XX

I sat on the balcony of the family house. The whole village was parading my father's dead body through the town like a dead hero, but all I could do was sit there blank and emotionless. My siblings stood beside me, hands on the rail that I sat on. All of us just stared down at the mass amounts of black in the crowds, all men, women, ninja and Kunoichi alike standing aside as his casket was carried down the aisle to the burial ground where they all were buried. The three of us wore black, but none of us seemed too depressed. The village was dead, quiet and dead, watching the leader be put into a tomb.

The fate of Suna was in the wind now, no one knew what was going to happen. Who was going to lead us was the next biggest thing. Kankuro and Temari refused the idea of being Kazekage, they said they didn't feel like they were strong enough to be Kazekage. No one wanted me to be Kazekage either. Now everyone pondered the fate of the village, the country. The head of the council was made temporary Kazekage till a proper one was made and voted on. Plus there would be a year of training, politics and everything of the sort.

I let out a sigh and twisted around, jumping onto the balcony next to my siblings.

"You can go back to Konoha, if you want." Temari spoke in a hushed tone. But the quietness of the village made it sound louder than life. I looked to her, eyeing her. She knew I couldn't, no matter how much it hurt to. We had left for the funeral, but Kimi was still in Konoha, she wasn't supposed to be transported back home with her family for another 2 days. The house hold had to survive on whatever food we could buy in the village until she returned. Even then, it was a guessing game if she would ever come back to cook for us. Kankuro had said he wouldn't blame her if she said no, she did almost die because of me and them.

But I couldn't go back, her brother made it very clear he would do anything in his power to keep me from her, and even though the woman stuck up for me a bit, I couldn't go back even if the eldest said yes.

The woman, I learned was named Sian, told me Kimi loved me.

How could she love me? The thought kept me spinning for hours, that night we left I couldn't get it off my mind. Love… Love…

"I can't." I stated, leaning against the rail. "She wouldn't want me there." I whispered, looking to the ground.

Kimi couldn't love me, I knew it. No one loved me, it was just impossible. I was the unlovable person, I was the only person in the world unlovable.

"Gaara… you don't know that." Kankuro whispered, looking to me with a tilted head. I turned to look up at him. He cocked a brow as me, before he turned and leaned his hip against the rail, facing me completely. "Gaara, you've got to face the facts, there might be someone in this world that doesn't care how scary you are, or that you can't sleep. And that person could be laying in a hospital bed, wishing you were there, with her, helping her with her own demons…and besides. You need to apologize for getting her foot cut off!" Kankuro finished with a smirk.

I rolled my eyes and stepped from the balcony and to the sliding doors of the balcony. I just needed away from everyone. They all kept telling me different things. Say your sorry, tell her how you feel, be a gentleman, respect her wishes, get her flowers, apologize… see her again.

I couldn't see her again knowing what I know.

I know she dreams about me, I know she does whatever I say with only alittle fight, I know she loves me. She loves me.

I shook my head, walking through the library that the balcony was connected to. I needed to stop thinking. But, the more I tried to find things to keep busy from thinking, her kisses came back to mind. Holding her hands when we kissed, eating breakfast with her, sitting and reading, just talking. It all came back the harder I tried to shove it away.

Huffing, I bolted through the library and into the hall. My feet drove us down the hall, down the stairs, around a few corners, down another flight of stairs and around one last corner. There it was, I drove myself through the empty dining room and into the kitchen. The second I pushed into the door way, I came to a screeching halt.

My heart was pounding as I leaned against the door frame, looking to the kitchen before me. All I could see was ghosts of us, fighting, smiling, cooking. I could even imagine us kissing, and it sent shivers through my body. She was still haunting me, even a country away. My hands clenched the door frame. The pumping of my blood made the pounding on my chest hurt more. I shot forward and opened the fridge. Please for the sake of my sanity be there! Cherries! I need cherries!

My eyes searched hungrily for a bowl, a bag, anything cherry.

Nothing.

I growled and slammed it shut, ripping the freezer open and I felt my mind calm as I saw some of Kimi's Cherry ice-cream she once made to top a cake she had made. I ripped the bowl out and unstopped the container. I rummaged around the kitchen for a spoon. Spoon. DAMNIT WHERE ARE THE FUCKING SPOONS! I put the bowl and ripped open everything. All the drawers, all the cupboards, all the cabinets, throwing things this way and that.

"Gaara?" I jumped, turning around with a death glare as Temari stood there in the door way.

"Where are all the spoons?" I snapped. She eyed me before pointing to a drawer right next to the fridge I hadn't opened. Instantly I ripped it open and sigh with relief. 8 or so spoons sat there as I pulled one out and dove it into the now softer ice-cream.

"Want to tell me why you nearly took out a kitchen, looking for a spoon?" She asked, eyeing me. I ravaged a bite of the ice-cream into my mouth, closing my eyes and savoring it's flavor. Just like I remembered the night she served it. I rammed my spoon into it again and took another bite before looking to Temari still standing there, arms crossed and eyebrows cocked at me.

"No" I answered through a mouth-full of ice-cream.

"Gaara…" She repeated, eyeing me. I swallowed my ice-cream and took another bite, glaring at her. "Is it something Kankuro said?" She asked.

"No…" I stated, looking to the window across the kitchen from me. The window looking out to the garden, and that's when the anger built up again and I stuffed another mouthful of ice-cream in my mouth. "I'm hungry," I growled, eating another bite. Temari sighed, moving over to me. I saw her in my peripheral, she walked towards me and I turned from her. I began to eat more as I saw her hands reach for the bowl. I pulled away and shook my head. I took another fast bite as she tried to take it from me. Sand raced up to block her from me.

"You're going to get brain freeze!"

"I don't care." I snarled.

"Gaara, put down the ice-cream!" Temari demanded.

"No!"

XX

"I KILLED MOTHER, AND YOU ALL BLAME ME FOR IT!"

My knees felt weak as I let myself down to the ground. My whole world shook as I spoke what wasn't supposed to be spoken. All the thoughts in my mind swirled as the tears doubled in size and in amount. I closed my eyes, my hands letting go of the bars on the bed and falling to my thighs, my face burrowing itself on them. The ragged hair of mine falling ontop of my head as I began to sob hard into my pajama bottoms. The fake foot of mine no longer hurt, it felt as if it had just awoken from a long sleep.

Silence, pure silence echoed through the room over my sobbing and erratic breathing into my lap.

I wanted them to tell me I was lying, I wanted them to say not to think that way. They were my brothers, they had to have forgiven to me! There was this pleading voice in my head, begging them to come and consol me.

But I stayed there curled up in myself as the sounds of shifting surrounded me. Before I knew it, footsteps heading towards the door were heard. Then following footsteps, all 7 of them heading to the door. It opened and I listened to them leaving the room. The door shut softly as I continued to cry into my lap. The pants I was wearing were now freezing and wet. I'd made large tear stains into them as I pulled myself in more.

They hadn't forgiven me. They truly blamed me for mother's death. I knew it was true, I had seen it in their eyes all the time. Everytime her name came up, every time father was rushed to the hospital. Even the times when Shiro called me mother by mistake because he didn't know the difference, it put a toll on them. I tried to push it away, but I knew it better than anything. My Brothers hated me and blamed me for my mother's death, and never would they forgive me for it.

I let out a moan, my palms pushing themselves against my forehead as I stared at my poor, soaking pajama bottoms. I was a monster, I was the monster in this family. I had killed my own mother and wasn't there when my own father died. I was always trying to gain their forgiveness, always trying to make it up to them, and now I finally spoke it out loud. I knew they blamed me, and now they couldn't even lie to me. They hated me so much they couldn't even lie to me?

I gasped, running my tear stained palms through my hair, pulling myself to look up and out the window in the room I was in. I must look like a mess, my reflection looked horrendous. I bit my lip, the tears not seeming to stop. Only, I saw someone in the reflection of the window. Turning, I found Sian standing there, looking at me. She seemed close to tears, but I knew they weren't at me.

She wasn't crying because she hated me, like I expected my brothers were. She was crying with me. I pulled myself to a stand to look at her.

No words were needed as she slowly walked around the bed. I watched her with teary eyes as she stood a step from me with a teary smile and open arms. I hic-uped, looking to the only woman in my life to show true compassion to me. My eyes welded up so much more as I lunged at her, wrapping myself around her like it meant life of death. My arms wrapped around her torso hard, my fingers digging creases into the back of her sundress. My face was buried into her shoulder, soaking her skin with my tears. She didn't hesitate wrapping her arms around me, one hand holding me close while the other soothed my unruly hair.

I gasped for air as I nuzzled into her shoulder and let out more tears. She rested her chin ontop of my head, rubbing my back and still soothing my hair with her gentle hands.

"Kimi… let it out, just let it out." She cooed, kissing me ontop of my head.

I let out louder sobs, shaking hard against her. My fingers dug into her dress and I couldn't help but hic-up and words formed on my lips.

"WHY DID YOU HAVE TO LEAVE ME! WHY DIDN'T YOU STAY! WHY DID YOU LET ME KILL YOU, MOM!" I cried out, my knees shaking as Sian held me close. I sobbed harder into her neck, and the weight of my body was getting heavier, but the more I said, the more I could let go, and I just wanted to stop spinning. My vision was blurry and fuzzy and my mind was hazy, I just wanted to be clear. I wanted to be happy! And that's when the words tumbled from my lips."WHY DOESN'T GAARA LOVE ME!"

I couldn't hold myself, my crying started a tremble that wracked my body and brought both Sian and I onto the side of the bed. I clung to her like a frightened child as she rubbed my arms and kissed my head. Her breathing was stead and I could hear her heart beat as I continued to shutter and sob into her shoulder like I've never cried before.

It was all spilling out now. It was all just rolling out of my lips and into the air. Why I was always working so hard to show them I'm sorry, why I never took a break or a vacation? Why I never went on dates! I didn't want my own happiness to seem like it was more important than making up what I had done to them.

Now I would never get to hear my father tell me it was alright, never hear him call me his little chef. He always used to say I was his god of food, he always made me feel better, and now he's gone. I felt guilty for not seeing him before he died, I feel hurt that he died before I got home, I feel sick for not staying home.

Then My brothers, I officially made it known they blamed me and couldn't forgive me. I'd always lied to myself when I was younger, before this whole Chunnin exams fiasco, that if I just made enough money and made sure they were taken care of, that they would just forgive me for killing our mother.

And Gaara! Why couldn't I get him to love me back, why did he leave without saying goodbye! Why wasn't he here holding me? Why wasn't he here when I loved him and would do anything to know he felt the same. I felt like a fool, I still do, for loving him. He's nothing but a bully with an emotional problem. But, then again, he was sweet, and innocent, and adorable. He was always curious and was never afraid to ask why, never afraid to put himself forward and show how he felt. He was so strong… and I'm a broken toy.

Sian kissed my temple before looking to my face, bringing my face to look at her with her finger.

"Kimi… your brothers, they love you….I love you." She whispered, brushing my hair away from my sticky, wet cheek. I let out a sigh, letting her wipe the tears from my eyes. I looked at her in the eyes as she smiled at me softly.

"I know, but they'll never forgive me. I took her away and she'll never come back…" I whimpered. That's when she narrowed her eyes, not hatefully, but sternly.

"Kimi! You've got to stop this. You've got to stop feeling so guilty! Your brothers love you, and even though they may never forgive you, they wouldn't want you nearly killing yourself to prove you're sorry. Kimi, this guilty feeling you're holding onto, it's burrowing into you, digging at your heart. Soon, one day you'll see it's dug a deep hole you can't fill because all you want is to be forgiven. It's time to stop digging in yourself, and it's time for you to start loving yourself and getting what you want. What does Kimi want…because that's the only thing going to fix that giant hole in you, that piece that feels like it's missing!" She explained, her eyes softening as she kissed my scalp. "I have to go fetch Miyuko and the boys, make sure they're not harassing other people, but please… promise you'll think about what I said."

I nodded, pulling my knees up to my chest as she squeezed me tight.

I watched Sian stand and walk from the bed, take one look back and flash a small smile before she exited the room.

I knew she was lying about the boys part, she knew Miyuko and the twins would keep everyone in line. But I knew she wanted to give me time to think, and I needed it.

What did I want?

I looked to the table next to the bed at the stack of paper and a cup of pens. It was time to think about myself now, and to get the best answers…. I was going to need to write this out.

Author's Notes: Okay, This chapter was so hard to write because I kept crying while writing it. I hope it came through in the story. Sorry for the emotional chapter of Food Fit For A KING, but it had to be done, and it's setting up for the next epic few chapters.

Kimi's Muse: Missing by Paramore and Skyscrapper by Demi Lovato

Gaara's Muse: Shadow by RED