Chapter Twenty One

Revelations in the Dark

The evening passed as if a vivid dream before we finally departed for home. We Apparated just outside of the school grounds and walked in the moonlight up to the castle. I rested my head on his arm as we walked, quite sleepy.

'Sir, I've been wanting to ask..what was the meaning behind your gift?'

'Meaning?' He intoned softly

'Yes, what are your intentions towards me?' I think I might have sighed a little.

'I will answer your question, if you answer me this: Why did you say yes?' It was hard to judge from just his voice what he was thinking, I had the feeling if I could see his face it would hold that self-same blankness of neutrality he often wore when he wasn't scowling.

'Oh I shouldn't have done Sir, that path leads only to heartache' I sighed aloud.

'Did you not swear once under the effects of the Unbreakable vow that you had no intention to harm me? Has this changed that you threaten me with heartache?' His voice held a trace of mild surprise.

'Ha! as if I could, it's rather rude of you to make fun of me at a time like this' But my words held no venom.

'So to answer your question: I had a moment of weakness, a romantic flight of fancy. You were so sweet when you asked me to be on your arm, that my head mistook the question.. The double-blind idiot I am said yes. I do know better- yet here we are' I must have sounded both happy, sad, and resigned.

'So now I would like to know what your real reasons were for asking me' I prompted him, it was only fair.

'Do you remember what you said about love, and it's effects on a man?'

I nodded.

'Whether you feed it your darkness or your light: that is the phrase that's been haunting me.

I know it is cruel to speak of Lily at a time like this but I want you to understand something. What you said left me awake at night thinking. I had only truly lost her when I began to feed my passions with darkness, letting go of the light. You have made me rethink much of my life. Before I had thought, what matter is the price of darkness if you do not care? But I cared..

..and I lost everything."

" She died, and I have no one to blame but myself. I have not known a night's peace until you first shared my bed. Even still I could never sleep while we quarreled.

Has it not occurred to you that in 5-7 years I may never see you again?'

I lifted my head and looked up at him. We were nearly at the castle, and the moonlight shone on him.

'I have seen many students come and go during my time teaching here, and until I met you I thought little of the passing time. The last true friend I had died, and from the first moment we met, I have realized how much I missed companionship. It is entirely for selfish reasons that I asked you to step into the public light with me this evening. Five years from now, if we pull the right strings in the wizarding society, it may be possible to get you a permanent citizenship should you wish it. My reasoning was that I do not want you to go. The gift I bestow is any introductions and influence I may offer to that end. Even if you decide not to stay, you have given me so much already that I am still happy to extend my influence on your behalf to assist you in any endeavor'.

I stopped, reeling in the dark night. I had never considered not going home at the end of my education.

'You..want me to stay here? in England?'

'More then anything, except perhaps your happiness' he said softly.

'I would never see my mother again..'I whispered mostly to myself.

He smiled then.

'I'd thought of that, traditionally we teach interested students how to Apparate in the final years, if they are to turn 17 or have turned 17 by the time of the next exam. Since you are already of age, I could teach you at any time. This also means if you learn now, and are successful and licensed, there is no need for costly plane trips home this summer'

'You can apparate that far?' I asked.

'You can apparate to any location that is known to you within your skill range, though you'll need permission from both countries Ministry of Magics' He agreed. 'Barring that, you can always get a port-key made'.

'I need some time to digest all of this' I continued to walk with him back to the castle. If he felt any disappointment he did not show it.

He kissed me goodnight and let me return alone to my room. I lay in my bed awake thinking. I'd only managed to call my mother a couple times on the weekends. I'd told her I'd gone traveling and that my laptop had broken on the first night, which is why I wasn't online to talk to her.

Magic had changed my whole world. I had no idea what I'd do with my life when I'd finished Hogwarts. I think part of me expected to go back to my old life when I'd finished school, get a new apartment, find some new dead-end job to pay the bills, music on weeknights, going to the bar with my mates on the weekends. But now, endless possibilities opened. I could, within the wizarding world, go back to being a chef- magical restaurants would open the doors closed by my injury. My love for the muggle herbalism could blossom into full blown alchemy. I could become a healer, I could do...anything.

I thought on the other things he had said. I realized I too was grateful for his companionship. I'd have been nearly alone during my school days if not for him, as none of the classmates could really feel as a colleague. And after school..going back to the muggle world..

There would be no one for me to talk to about all of this.

His gift was far more altruistic then he would dare admit. Entry into the wizarding society would introduce me to new companions, and possibly even negate his own place in my world.

I could sense the deeper meaning of his words- when asked for the meaning the first thing he spoke of was love. His love for Lily true, but it was the first thing he spoke of. That meant it was on his mind, but he had not fallen in love with me, however, I think he was open to the possibility. I'd have to ask him outright, and I endeavored that before I ever considered another, I would ask him.

I decided then that I would not decide on whether to remain in England, until after I confessed all to my mother. Direct relatives had special permission, muggle, squib or otherwise to know the truth of the wizarding world. I had put off telling her because in part I did not think she would believe me, and in part because I didn't know how she'd handle it if she did.

If I did stay in England, I knew I could not forever leave the relationship I had with Severus as it was. I needed love to stay in a relationship like this long term, or he would have to be content to remain friends.

I prayed only that I did not fall in love with him before discovery of whether or not he was capable of loving anyone other then Lily Evans.