Chapter 21

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Sam rolled her head back trying to soothe out any kinks in her neck from sitting at a desk scrolling through credit reports. She leaned her head forward and rubbed her neck when familiar hands appeared on her back; the warm, firm grip kneading out the knots on her shoulders. She closed her eyes in appreciation and murmured, "I should warn you, I'm a married woman."

"It's okay, I'm married too," Martin softly whispered in her ear, a smile evident in his tone.

She looked up at him and said, "So to what do I owe this surprise visit?"

He kept his hands on her shoulder, squeezing and massaging. "I'm getting ready to head home. I thought I'd stop by and see if you were done for the day. We could leave together."

Sam lowered her head and looked at the stack of files on her desk. Truth be told, she could leave if she wanted. There were at a dead end, they were going to Brenda's office the next day to do the interviews, so there wasn't much more she could do today. But she didn't want to go home, at least not yet. So she smiled at her husband and lied. "Actually, I still have about another hour or so here."

Martin nodded his head. "Is there anything I can help you with?"

"Nah, it's all that necessary but boring stuff." She moved away from his grip on her shoulder and stood up. She grabbed him by the lapels and said, "Go home. I'm sure the kids will be thrilled to see you so home early."

He rested his hands on her hips and leaned in close. "Yeah, you're probably right." He gave her a soft kiss and said, "You sure you don't want a little help?"

"I'm sure," she replied with a smile. "Go on, I'll be home as soon as I can get away."

"Okay, see you later," he said with a quick kiss. "Try not to stay too late."

She watched him walk away before sitting back down at her desk. She spun her chair and looked at the picture of Brenda on the board. She thought about what the missing woman's final morning was like. It was a morning much like most of hers since she got married and had kids; to feel the pull in multiple directions, the burden and the joys. If what Louise Reynolds said about Brenda was to be believed, that she willingly walked away, Sam had to admit that she could relate. She had felt that way more than once, wanting to flee the responsibilities, if only for a little while. While she knew she would never walk away she did do something to escape the burden once. It was something that still haunted her sometimes, to know what she was capable of doing.

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It was three-am and she paced the living room carrying an incredibly fussy fifteen-month old Nate. "Come on, baby, what do you want? You have a dry diaper, you've been feed, you don't have a fever, and you're warm and safe…what else could you possibly need?"

Another whimper and cry was her response. She started pacing the living room again, feeling completely exhausted. She spent the entire day at work closing a case only to come home to a husband who announced he was going to be on an overnight stakeout, a hyperactive three-year old daughter who took hours to finally get settled enough to go to sleep, and a little boy who woke up every few hours to cry for no apparent reason other than to drive his mother crazy.

She gazed down at his crunched up red face that looked miserable. She could relate. He looked as tired as she felt. She sighed with frustration and walked over to the cabinet in the living room. She pressed repeat play on the CD player and listened as Melvin Amina's voice drifted out of the speakers singing a song that always seemed to soothe Grace when she was a baby.

"Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high; the dreams that you dreamed of once in a lullaby. Somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly; and the dreams that you dream of, dreams really do come true. Someday you wish upon a star, wake up where the clouds are far behind. Trouble melts like lemon drops, high above the chimney tops. That's where you'll find me."

She walked around the living room wishing that her troubles would just melt away like lemon drops. She kissed Nate's forehead and prayed for him to just fall asleep. She was bone weary and she had to be in court the next day. She had to be on her best and with each hour that her son kept her awake any chance of that was fading fast. To top it off she suddenly had to go to the bathroom.

She carried Nate down the hall, passing Grace's room where her daughter and Milo were slumbering without a care in the world. She moved into the bathroom and in a maneuver that only a mother could master she managed to pee without having to put the baby down. She stood up to wash her hands when she caught a glimpse of herself in the bathroom mirror. She groaned at the sight that greeted her. She was pale with puffy eyes, dark rims underneath and her ponytail had strands falling out all around her face. She groaned as Nate started up again; his little legs kicking in frustration. She softly caressed his back and cooed into his ear trying to soothe him.

With a quick move she opened up the medicine cabinet to grab her eye cream. As long as she was awake she might as well do some preventative measures to make her at least look presentable in court. She reached for the small jar when she spotted Nate's allergy medicine. He had some allergies last spring when nature was in full bloom so the pediatrician prescribed some medicine to help him sleep. She carefully pulled it out the cabinet and looked at it. She remembered that each time Nate took it he slept blissfully through the entire night.

She stared at the small bottle in her hands, weighing the implications of what she was considering. Would she really be willing to drug her baby just so he would fall asleep, thus allowing her to go to bed as well? She started rationalizing that if she gave him the minimum dose it wouldn't cause any harm. He needed his sleep just as much as she did. Nate cried out again, his crankiness increasing. She knew that he was just as tired as she was and if he could get some sleep they would both be the better for it. Before she had a chance to talk herself out of it, she poured the prescribed amount on the big, plastic spoon and fed it to Nate. It took some finesse but he finally accepted the medicine; in great thanks to the fact that the syrup was sugary sweet.

She quickly rinsed off the spoon, screwed the cap back on and placed both items back in the medicine cabinet. She clicked off the light so she wouldn't have to face herself in the mirror and exited the bathroom. She walked with Nate down the hall to his room and sat down in the rocking chair. He was still whimpering but it was winding down with each rocking motion. Soon the room was quiet, with only the sound of her and Nate's soft breaths and the music filtering down the hall from the living room.

"I see friends shaking hands singing, 'How do you do?' They're really saying I love, I love you. I hear babies cry and I watch them grow. They'll learn much more than we'll ever know. And I think to myself what a wonderful world. Sometime you'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind you. Where trouble melts like lemon drops…"