A/N: Okay guys, so… this chapter is… huh… well, you'll see.
Please do read the AN at the end when you finish reading the chapter!
I hope you guys enjoy it. Or not? Just… be ready for some suffering, I guess.
Betaed by the lovely la-civivilisance from tumblr! Thank you for your hard work my dear!
It's Not Fair
Chapter 20: Upside Down
The hard part about leaving the party was letting Gaara know. By the time they reached him, he was already engaged in a rather feral fuckfest with his assigned couple and (to Sasuke's surprise) having been joined by the gorgeous woman that Sasuke had met earlier at the bar .
Naruto had been so uncomfortable with what his friend was doing that he had to look away while Sasuke was the one who tried to catch Gaara's attention as the man fucked the husband. The two women seemed to be pleasing each other in the meanwhile - not that Sasuke was paying attention or anything - and putting on quite a show for eager watchers.
Gaara was eventually able to look up from what he was doing and nod at Sasuke, who immediately grabbed for Naruto's wrist so he could drag him out of that place, finally.
They exited the stuffy room together, and in the hall, behind the counter, only Kabuto could be seen. Sasuke and Naruto gave him their golden cards, and in exchange, they received their belongings. Sasuke's, though, came accompanied by a fancy business club card and a phone number written down on it in elegant handwriting.
"Our host has taken an interest in you," Kabuto explained Sasuke, with a rather dry and cynical smile. "He wishes for you to contact him if you ever entertain the thought of working with us. I believe he might have several propositions for you to choose from, not necessarily related to what's happening in there at the moment."
Sasuke was a little surprised, but thanked the man nonetheless, and shoved the card inside his wallet. He doubted he'd ever feel the need to pursue such a line of work, but one never knew. Especially if there were job offers unrelated to pleasing strangers sexualy.
Right now, though, he was more interested in getting out of there and getting to Naruto's place. They were feeling impatient to be alone together, both still in good spirits, so they left the mansion hand in hand with their fingers intertwined while laughing. Naruto found it highly amusing that Orochimaru had taken an interest in Sasuke.
Getting the masks off was a relief, and as soon as they got safely inside Naruto's Ford, Sasuke wasted no time in turning to his boyfriend and pulling him roughly by the collar so they could kiss. Maybe it wasn't exactly a good idea getting his lover worked up since he'd be driving, but Sasuke was too excited to care, and far too inebriated by Naruto's presence and the prospect of the great things the night had in store for them.
He wanted Naruto's bed, and the privacy of that cozy room where they could be completely alone and do what they had been wanting to do for a long time now.
Sasuke didn't even think about how things would go, it just didn't bother him. As he kissed Naruto deeply, their tongues slid over each other sensually causing Naruto to release a small gasp of pleasure. As Naruto's hand slowly slid through the hairs at the back of Sasuke's neck, all Sasuke thought about was how much he needed the man and how simply happy he was feeling. It still baffled him how his life seemed so much more meaningful and fulfilled because he had met Naruto.
The certainty Sasuke felt within himself at that moment left no room for nervousness or hesitation. Nothing else mattered in his world except for the way Naruto's warm hands now cupped his face and the way those perfect lips fit against his. It was the sort of simple, encompassing bliss that filled him completely.
Unexpectedly, Sasuke felt his mobile phone vibrating and he jumped slightly at the same time as Naruto groaned in frustration against his mouth. Sasuke broke the kiss by leaning away so he could haphazardly search for the phone inside the pocket of his blazer, a little out of breath.
Naruto leaned back against his seat with a loud huff just as Sasuke looked down at his mobile phone. The name displayed on the screen was more than a little surprising.
His eyebrows rose. Suigetsu?
On reflex, he picked up the call. "Hello?"
"Sasuke, what the fuck, I've called you a million times already!" From the other side, Suigetsu's voice sounded furious and took Sasuke by surprise, and instantly annoyed the hell out of him. It wasn't that he disliked the guy, he simply had a way of speaking sometimes that got on his nerves, and right now, he was interrupting something good.
"It's on vibrating mode, I just happened to check it out now," Sasuke said irritably. "What do you want?"
"It's not what I want, asshole," Suigetsu hissed. "Your wife has been trying to contact you for hours and you wouldn't pick up the damned phone. You forgot your fucking wedding anniversary!"
It was as if the whole world had stopped in the space of a second, Sasuke's heart along with it. His grip on his phone went so lax he almost dropped it.
Sasuke had never forgotten his wedding anniversary, or any sort of anniversary, really. It wasn't like he enjoyed celebrating it either (he had always felt like it was rather pointless), but he had always been careful enough to do something for Karin to show that he cared and remembered, ever since they were dating.
But this year, he had simply… forgotten. Just like that. It hadn't even crossed his mind, he had been so excited about spending time with Naruto. That's why Karin had been so upset lately, he realized, swallowing down the lump of guilt that had formed inside his throat.
"How…"
"She called me because she was really upset," Suigetsu said, loudly as if he was scolding a dumb child. "She thought you were planning some kind of surprise, but you didn't show up and wouldn't even pick up the phone, so she asked me if she could come over to my place. She's a fucking mess, Sasuke, she's been drinking and crying all night and now she's puking her guts out."
Sasuke bit down on his lower lip, bringing a hand to his eyes and rubbing at them. "Fuck, I'm sorry, Suigetsu," was all he could say, unsure of what else, exactly, there was to say.
"You should apologize to her, not me," Suigetsu grunted. "I don't mind taking care of her, but I don't like seeing her like this, man. She was sprouting out shit I didn't even understand, but it pisses me off. You better come and pick her up right now before I call her parents and tell on your ass. This is not cool, Sasuke! You could've at least kept your mobile phone with you!"
"Yeah, I know…" Sasuke said hurriedly, looking up at Naruto, who was watching him with his eyebrows quirked upwards. "I'll fix it, okay? I just forgot and I didn't think anyone would call, so just… watch over her and I'll be there in a bit."
"Of course I'll fucking watch over her," Suigetsu contended, irritably. "Someone has to, right?"
The line went dead as Suigetsu unceremoniously hung up.
Naruto snorted. "Oh, wait, don't tell me," he interjected as Sasuke lowered the phone, with a cool sarcasm in his voice that Sasuke wasn't ready for at all. "You fucked up."
Sasuke bit on his lower lip harder. He didn't even know how to explain it to Naruto, or how to even begin apologizing for their ruined mood and ruined night because it was all his fault. He felt guilty because of it, and guilty for knowing that he had abandoned his wife on an important day without even saying a word to her, and yet, he knew that Naruto would definitely be angrier in Karin's behalf than anything else when he heard the story.
Sasuke didn't even know how to begin apologizing.
"Just… don't say anything," Naruto sighed, guessing his thoughts. He ran his fingers through his own hair and made an angry sound with the back of his throat.
"I have to get to Suigetsu's place," Sasuke muttered, tense and unsure of what he should do. He hated that look on Naruto's face - of anger and genuine disappointment. He didn't know how to deal with it at all. "I don't want to be a bother to you. You can just drop me off somewhere, and I…"
"Shut up," Naruto said through clenched teeth, turning the key in the ignition and starting the engine. He furiously put his seatbelt on. "As if I'd ever do something like that. I'll never abandon you in a time of need, nor people who are important to you. Just tell me where to go. The night's fucking ruined anyway."
Hesitantly, Sasuke put his own seatbelt on, an impending fear assaulting him. This particular feeling wasn't new to him, but it had never hit him quite like this before. Truthfully, he had always been careful, so he hadn't ever fucked up before. But knowing he had affected both Naruto and Karin in one single blow made it all the worse.
Somehow, it felt like he had unexpectedly reached a wall. And the feeling of foreboding he had told him he would soon reach a point of no return.
000
Suigetsu lived in a small building in a rather suspicious neighbourhood, so Naruto had a bit of a hard time parking his car since every street was ridiculously narrow. They hadn't spoken at all during the ride to Suigetsu's place, but when Naruto asked Sasuke if he wanted him to come, Sasuke didn't even think twice about accepting because his mind was running fast with all kinds of thoughts that he couldn't process at the moment. He was filled with worry and consumed by a nagging feeling of restlessness towards things to come that he knew he'd have to face soon. Karin was breaking down and he hadn't even noticed it. Aloof and apparently cold as he might seem most of the time, if there was one thing he had always done was take care of his wife and attend to her immediate needs. He had always been attentive and caring, and he thought that he was still doing his job right, but apparently not. And it ate at him because Karin wasn't to blame.
Worst of all, now he had failed Naruto as well.
In spite of the overall decadent look of the building, Suigetsu's apartment itself was small, yet clean and tastefully decorated despite the man's seemingly laid back attitude. Karin's best friend always carried a nasty, playful smirk on his lips, and yet, when he opened the door for Sasuke and Naruto, he was scowling reproachfully and there was a dark look in his usually light grey eyes.
"About damned time you got here," was his greeting, as he stepped aside to let Sasuke in. He noticed Naruto was right behind him. "And who the fuck is this?"
"I'm Naruto; I'm friend's with Sasuke," Naruto said with a small smile, extending his hand towards Suigetsu, who simply eyed it.
"It was your Godfather's birthday today, right?" Suigetsu, asked unceremoniously.
Naruto exchanged a glance with Sasuke, who only pursed his lips together. He hadn't exactly shared with Naruto what kind of lie he had told Karin to cover up for their night at the Swingers' Club. "Yeah, that's right," Naruto muttered, with a small nod, retracting his hand since Suigetsu didn't seem inclined to shake it. "I had no idea it would upset Karin this much, because if I did..."
"That's some really fancy clothes you're wearing for a family birthday," Suigetsu pointed out mercilessly. His eyes narrowed at Naruto. "Whatever, just get in here," Suigetsu dismissed when Sasuke opened his mouth, cutting him off, motioning Naruto inside the apartment and closing the door behind him with unnecessary force. He turned to Sasuke, still looking pissed off. "She's passed out on my bed. She got herself drunk in spite of my warnings and puked all over the place, but now she's stable."
"I'm really sorry you had to deal with this, Suigetsu," Sasuke apologized firmly, keeping his stance straight and confident even though Suigetsu's assessing eyes made his heart beat fast.
It was clear to him that Suigetsu was very angry, but there was also suspicion in his eyes. Sasuke had no idea what Karin had told him, but Suigetsu wasn't stupid, and he was definitely smelling something fishy. Not that they had been particularly sensible in going straight there with their fancy clothes on (that were still a little unkempt from their earlier vicious frotting). Sasuke had no idea what he looked like, but he admitted that it was his own fault for leaving room for speculation. Either way, no matter what kind of thoughts might run through Suigetsu's head, he doubted the guy would ever suspect him and Naruto being together.
"You already apologised," Suigetsu snapped, crossing his arms over his chest. "It doesn't mean a fucking thing unless you can make it right with her, though."
Sasuke felt Naruto fidgeting in obvious discomfort, but couldn't for the life of him look at his lover to offer a reassurance that he didn't feel himself.
Without another word, he made his way to Suigetsu's room down the hall, knowing the apartment well enough already. He found the room dark and Karin lying on the king sized bed, sprawled on her back with arms and legs spread wide while snoring softly. Her hair was a loose mess all over the pillows. Suigetsu had apparently helped her put on some clean clothes because she seemed to be wearing a t-shirt that definitely wasn't hers. Guilt swallowed Sasuke whole as he realized he wasn't bothered by the fact that Suigetsu had undressed his wife, even if not with an indecent purpose.
He bit on his lower lip, before clenching his fists at his sides. He was so pissed off and frustrated at himself. This situation was completely unnecessary if only he had dealt with things already. Karin didn't deserve this, and neither did Naruto, but here they were. Once again, Sasuke had managed to hurt Naruto, and this time, Karin as well.
He should've been more careful.
Heaving a tired sigh, Sasuke made his way around the bed so he was standing next to it. He picked up Karin's glasses from the nightstand and carefully shoved them inside the pocket of his pants. A blanket had been thrown over Karin's body, so Sasuke gently pushed it aside. His wife was dead weight as he picked her up with effort in his arms, bridal style. She made slurred complaining noises and moaned his name but didn't seem to fully wake up, something for which Sasuke was grateful. Her head was lolling against his shoulder as he carried her out of the room, the distinct smell of alcohol and vomit on her breath forcing him to swallow hard in revulsion and pity. Everything seemed so farfetched, so exaggerated. But then again, maybe he was the one only one who was underestimating everything.
Suigetsu and Naruto were looking at him as he carried Karin down the hall. Karin's colourful purse was already dangling from Naruto's shoulder.
"We're leaving," Sasuke said in a low voice. "Thank you for taking care of her, Suigetsu."
The man frowned at him heavily before looking down at Karin. He pursed his lips together and reached out a hand to brush a knuckle over her forehead. The gesture was simple and caring, and Sasuke really couldn't find the heart to be upset when he knew very well that Suigetsu had been in love with Karin for years and still remained her best friend even though she had chosen Sasuke instead. Suigetsu was, without a doubt, a good friend of hers regardless of Sasuke's own feelings for him.
In a way, it hurt Sasuke to see someone else's love for her because he couldn't help the thought that Karin would've definitely been better off with Suigetsu instead of marrying him. A few months ago he would've never have entertained the idea.
"Look man, I know couples have ups and downs, and routine can sort of suck since you guys barely have time together," Suigetsu said, looking up at Sasuke again with something akin to genuine concern and reproach in his clear eyes. "I understand that, eventually, important events will start to lose relevance and that romance can't be around 24/7. But people have to make it work, you know? You get married to someone because you feel like you want it to be forever. That's something that demands commitment and constant work, effort."
Sasuke could only look back at him, trying to keep his features impassive, but the speech both annoyed and upset him He didn't need the man who was in love with his wife of all people to tell him such things. And yet, there he was, trying to lecture Sasuke into being better for Karin.
"I know that." He felt like excusing himself further for some reason, but his pride stopped him.
"I just don't want to see her like this again because your head's in the clouds and you decided to go to some birthday party with some stranger instead of spending the night with your wife, your family," Suigetsu insisted, throwing Naruto an openly distasteful look as if he somehow blamed him for everything. "And she told me you've been going out a lot and whatever. Like, I don't care what you do when she's not around, of course you're free to go out with friends and stuff, but at least try to be around when she's available, man."
Not knowing what to say, Sasuke merely sighed. Karin was heavy in his arms and as if that wasn't enough, his own body and head felt ten times heavier. All of a sudden, he just wanted this night to end as soon as possible.
"Thank you again," was all he managed to say. His whole body felt like it was made of stone.
To his relief, though, Naruto was already opening the entrance door for him, so he simply nodded at Suigetsu, not trusting himself to not be impolite; Suigetsu didn't deserve it - he had taken care of Karin and was only trying to look after her best interests. But this didn't stop Sasuke from feeling annoyed at him, or disgusted at himself.
Carefully, he tried to leave the apartment without having Karin's body bumping the walls, but in all truth, he just wanted to leave as fast as humanly possible so he could get away from this nightmare. When he heard Naruto thanking Suigetsu and following after him, he was ready to collapse from relief.
000
Sasuke felt guilty about allowing Naruto to help him get Karin home. It was a hassle getting her inside the car, and the drive to Sasuke's apartment was made in tense silence during which Sasuke obsessively thought about something to say that would lighten up the mood and ease Naruto's mind, but he was too stressed out to manage it, so he kept his mouth firmly shut. Besides, what was the point when there was nothing he could say that could effectively fix this night, or anything at all, really?
Still, Naruto was adamant in helping him get Karin safely home, so together, they carried her all the way up to the apartment. She roused slightly because she was constantly passed from one man to the other, so they listened to her drunken babbling and cursing, both offering her a few indulging soothing words to keep her quiet, and both praying that she wouldn't remember to throw up at some random moment.
The two men were sweating by the time they managed to throw her on her and Sasuke's bed and tuck her in properly. Thankfully she didn't do anything more than whimpering and feebly calling out Sasuke's name.
A bitter feeling punched Sasuke in the chest as she sobbed slightly under the covers and curled in on herself further. She was mumbling something in a rather pitiful way, but Sasuke couldn't make out the words. Either way, the sight alone that, even in such a state, she was somehow in pain, made him ache. Maybe this was why he decided to spend a few minutes in the room, sitting on the bed beside her. Gently, he caressed the top of her head, running his fingers through the strands of her bright red hair, occasionally brushing his knuckles over her temples and cheeks. He hummed low, comforting words to her until she finally fell asleep. Within him, a storm of feelings seemed to be happening, and yet, as he looked down at his wife, he couldn't understand which ones were directed at her, specifically. There was guilt and fondness, he could understand that much. He cared about her and hated that he had done something to make her feel this miserable. This wasn't just an over reaction, he knew this much; it was an outburst after a constant piling up of small things, only he couldn't even understand how he had missed it up until now.
Karin was an honest, straightforward woman. She was supposed to beat him up when he screwed up, talk to him whenever something bothered her, demand answers.
But she knew him very well, so she knew he was going through a good time in his life. Maybe she didn't know a lot about it, but she understood it had meaning to him. Maybe she didn't want to ruin it for him by interfering and it took its toll on her.
Sasuke felt... oddly apathetic. He was terribly disconcerted, but he couldn't really organize what was it that bothered him the most - that he had fucked up, that he had hurt Karin, or that he had hurt Naruto and ruined their night together. And this disorganization of his heart's priorities left him feeling powerless.
If only tonight was nothing but a bad dream.
By the time Sasuke quietly got up, he noticed that Naruto wasn't in the room with him. This made him feel even more pissed off at himself, because he had reflexively been affectionate to his wife with Naruto there, and while he was sure his lover understood, the last thing Sasuke wanted at this point was to make him feel even worse.
As he left the room and silently closed the door behind him, he was praying that Naruto was still in the house. Thankfully, he ended up finding the man in the kitchen, leaning by the open window with a cigarette in one hand and a bottle of beer in the other. Naruto's eyes slid away from the scenery outside to acknowledge Sasuke's arrival, and his expression was oddly calm and closed, so Sasuke knew better than to feel at ease - after all, Naruto was the most expressive person he knew; not seeing his emotions clear on his face was more than reason enough to worry.
"I hope you don't mind," Naruto said, lifting both the cigarette and and bottle of beer for Sasuke to see. "I needed something to help me relax."
"Of course I don't mind," Sasuke muttered, approaching him carefully. He noticed that Naruto had removed his jacket (and placed it over the kitchen table), untucked his shirt and pried open its first three buttons. It made him look unkempt but casually alluring. His bright blue eyes were intense as they watched Sasuke moving closer until he was in front of him, leaning his side against the window as well.
They looked at each other in silence before Naruto took a swig from the bottle of beer. "How is she?" he asked blandly, after a while.
"Sleeping," Sasuke said. He reflexively crossed his arms over his chest, almost as if shielding himself from the tension. "Listen, Naruto…"
"You're not going to apologise again, are you?" Naruto said, cutting him off with a lopsided smile that was horribly forced. He took a drag in his half smoked cigarette before smashing it on the ashtray that rested on the windowsill. "It's fine, Sasuke; I'm not mad or anything. It's my fault anyway."
Sasuke felt the tension thickening further. "Don't be stupid; none of this is your fault. It's me who should've…"
"I was the one who made a big deal about the Swingers' Club," Naruto interrupted again, looking away to the streets beyond the window with a heavy frown that looked filled with guilt. He hesitated before proceeding. "To be quite frank, I am aware that I've been trying to monopolize your free time whenever I can so we can be together at every available chance. I know you want it, too, so I act selfishly and use that to lure you in. It's only natural that you'd end up forgetting something important at some point. You do have a life outside of me, I know that very well. I just… it's something that I sometimes find convenient to forget about."
Listening to those words - said with such self-resentment - made Sasuke swallow hard.
"I think I've reached a point where I completely disregard the fact that there is a third party involved," Naruto proceeded, clearly not expecting a reply from Sasuke. "The more time passes the more selfish and unaware of others I become. And it's weird because I keep reminding myself daily that ours is a tricky situation." Naruto paused again to place the bottle of beer over the window sill and stare at it for a while. Then, he said softly "It was all my fault to begin with. From the very start I..."
"It's not your fault," Sasuke repeated firmly. He wanted so badly to do something to ease the heaviness in the air and Naruto's obvious distress, to somehow remove that unfamiliar expression from Naruto's face, but he knew he couldn't.
Blue eyes slowly looked up at him, and all of a sudden, Sasuke felt like the whole world had fallen apart around him. His chest tightened with emotion while that irrational, all-consuming fear that he couldn't place crashed over him like a tidal wave.
Naruto was… everything to him. Naruto gave him life, filled him with happiness and made everything seem simple and enjoyable. It was more than fondness, more than friendship, and certainly something more than simple 'love'. Naruto was a part of him he didn't know how to separate himself from any longer. Without Naruto, all he could see ahead of him was a vast void. It was as though he didn't know how he had managed before Naruto had ever existed. Sometimes, Sasuke couldn't even understand the fact that he had actually believed that he had been completely happy before all of this started happening.
Just knowing Naruto was in pain made him feel like tearing apart everything that caused it - only the cause was Sasuke himself.
They were linked by something that neither really understood. There was no doubt in his mind at this point: they shared the same feelings and nothing would ever disrupt this perfect, godsend equilibrium.
And yet… he couldn't say anything, couldn't do anything right now to fix that terrifyingly empty look in Naruto's eyes. Because he didn't know what it meant. Or rather, he did, but there was something in him preventing his brain from processing it. Just like everything else in that whole situation, there was a block in his very being that made everything seem hazy and maybe a lot more simple than it really was, leaving him with nothing but those feelings of all-consuming longing and that fear that froze him to the core.
He didn't notice Naruto moving to close the distance between them, only felt strong arms wrapping around his neck and that familiar, blissful body pressing close to his. His heart felt like it was being pierced by a thousand needles as he uncrossed his arms and surrounded Naruto's waist with them. He didn't know where this rampant urgency had come from and why he had stopped being able to breathe, but his lips were already parted, ready to receive the ones that seeked them. There was a moment when he felt Naruto's arms tightening around him and all he could do was pull him closer in return, his hands fisting Naruto's shirt so hard his fingers hurt.
A small gasp left his lover's mouth. Sasuke felt dizzy. Why did the air feel like it was burning and becoming heavier by the second?
It was a feeling like no other.
The kiss was intense and hard; a constant and rough press and slide of lips that was as responsive as it was demanding from both sides. Tongues touched and tasted in a desperation to be understood, expressing things neither seemed to know how to phrase using words alone.
Desire flooded Sasuke's body in a violent and unexpected assault, but it wasn't the sexual kind. It was an irrational desire to merge in with the person in his arms, to become one, in body and soul, to melt together and evaporate, to disappear or run away and forget about everything and everyone. It was selfishness and selflessness at their best and worst. It was such a feeling that, for a moment, Sasuke did forget where he was, who he was and everything else that had upset him that night. He forgot about the fear. All he could feel was the presence right there, with him, and the desperation in his heart. There was only feeling and completion, nothing else.
That was until the spell was broken. Before Sasuke was able to fully process what was happening, the pressure on his lips was eased as Naruto took a small step back to create a bit of distance between them, even though they were still holding each other. Sasuke had a hard time reopening his eyes to return from that short lived daze and notice that Naruto was blushing and frowning heavily.
He was clearly angry at himself.
"We shouldn't do this; not here, and least of all not with your wife in the house," Naruto muttered, his hands awkwardly releasing Sasuke before pushing him slightly away so they weren't touching anymore. Sasuke had the impulse to fight the forced distance, but he felt like it was better to not push Naruto's buttons. His lover was on edge, and it brought him to instant awareness all over again. "I should go."
Clenching his teeth, Sasuke watched as Naruto ran a hand through his already messy hair and moved to grab for his jacket.
Again, Sasuke felt an impulse, this time to ask Naruto to stay - he didn't want to be without him tonight, and he didn't want to face Karin alone. But he knew such a request was childish, inconsiderate and completely crazy. Sasuke knew he was supposed to be smarter than this, so he kept his mouth closed.
This had nothing to do with Naruto.
There were so many things he wanted to tell Naruto, to ask him at this particular moment, but once again, he felt himself consumed by fear and hesitation.
He had never feared Naruto, but for some reason, right now he felt like he was walking on eggshells and that he was missing something terribly important. Only he didn't want to know what it was because he was sure it wasn't good.
"Text me so I know you got home safe," he muttered, following Naruto out of the kitchen and into the hallway.
"Sure," Naruto said, not looking at him. Reaching for the door handle, he carefully opened it so as to not make too much noise. "Give me a call if you need anything."
Sasuke opened his mouth to say something - anything - but Naruto left and closed the door behind him before he could.
Somehow, Sasuke felt like a part of himself had abandoned his apartment as well.
He had never felt more out of place in his life.
000
Naruto had texted him to tell him he had gotten home safe. When Sasuke texted back to ask him if he was alright, he got no response. He liked to believe Naruto had probably gone to sleep already, but from what he already knew of his lover, he was sure the blond man would probably be thrashing around in his bed until morning, thinking about all sorts of unnecessary things.
But, even if Sasuke thought so… how unnecessary, exactly, would be Naruto's thoughts? Wasn't Naruto entitled to thinking about whatever the fuck he wanted after the disastrous events of the night and… well, everything else that concerned the two of them, really?
But knowing this obviously only helped Sasuke's anxious mood to become worse. And knowing it and not having Naruto reply to his following texts was positively nerve-wrecking. However, he figured Naruto needed some space, so eventually, he decided that it was best to give it to him, no matter how it made Sasuke himself feel.
Sasuke knew he deserved the suffering. If Naruto didn't want to talk to him for a day or two, he had no-one to blame but himself. He knew he deserved to have had Naruto slapping him, yelling at him, or calling him a selfish inconsiderate asshole. Whatever reaction Naruto could have had would have been Sasuke's fault alone. But Naruto had barely spoken, and had even placed all the blame on himself even though he had nothing to feel guilty about. And he still had kissed Sasuke, still with that same unmatching passion, still letting him know that he…
Just thinking about it made Sasuke want to either run to Naruto as soon as possible or bury himself alive with self-deprecating emotions.
Knowing Naruto was upset and hurting affected Sasuke in ways he couldn't explain. And it was all his fault. Because he had been living in cloud nine and ignoring issues that were right in front of his face. Because he had been taking all this peaceful happiness with Naruto for granted.
Itachi had warned him. He'd told him that people would get hurt, and this was only the beginning. Sasuke didn't think he had ever felt this anxious in his life.
He was far from being stupid, but he understood that he had been so during these last few months. He also knew that if he didn't do something soon, things would start falling apart from every direction.
What was he even going to say to Karin when she woke up? That he was sorry he had forgotten their anniversary? Was he going to promise that he'd try harder to pay attention to her so things could fall back into the way they used to be between them?
Was he just going to repeat the circle of play pretend all over again and buy himself more time?
But… things hadn't been like before for a long time. Not his feelings, not the sex, not the willingness to be around her, nothing. There was a form of 'love', but everything felt so detached between them it seemed irreversible. He felt so… distanced from her. His own past feelings seemed like they hadn't belonged to him at all.
Things… could never be the way they were before. Ever.
Because Sasuke was in love with Naruto in a way that he had never been in love with another person before. Not even Karin herself.
But… how could he explain this to her so suddenly? How could he just tell her that he loved someone else and that he'd cheated on her? How could he simply tell her that they didn't make sense anymore? That what they had built throughout the years didn't make sense at this point?
He didn't want to hurt her like this. He didn't want her to hate him.
Sasuke had never been a coward. He had never given a damn about what other people thought of him, or how his actions were perceived by others. And yet, right now, everything served as an excuse to not move forward. He was aware of this.
But everything was just so difficult to accomplish.
This was what happened when people he loved got involved. Because the consequences wouldn't fall upon himself alone. Naruto, Karin, his parents his friends... it was because Sasuke was afraid of hurting all of them that this had become so messy in the first place.
The rest of the night seemed to drag on forever. Sasuke felt physically and emotionally exhausted, and yet, he couldn't sleep he felt so suffocatingly agitated.
Thinking about going to bed to sleep beside Karin felt like a terribly improper thing to do, so he had tried the sofa, but his brain felt like it was about to burst and his heart felt heavy. There was a nausea within him that wouldn't go away no matter what. He had smoked cigarette after cigarette until he ran out. He drank a whole pot of tea. At some point he got out of the house to get more cigarettes at the nearby convenience store, hoping that the fresh air would help him blow off some steam. He ended up taking the long way back.
It was almost eight in the morning when Sasuke returned home. No news from Naruto, and Karin was still asleep. Sasuke felt like he was sleepwalking and his head hurt. He forced himself to eat an apple so he could take some painkillers. He didn't know what to do with himself, so he took a long shower that made him feel cleaner but that didn't help wash away the way he felt, or the fear and doubt in his mind.
He didn't know if he was simply terrified of the outcome of tonight's mistake, or if it was the impending feeling of foreboding making him feel like this.
Once more, Sasuke returned to the living room to try to get some sleep. He was hoping he'd be able to pass out from exhaustion. He checked his phone, thinking it would be the last time in a while, only to find a single missed call from Naruto.
His legs felt so weak all of a sudden that he slumped down on the sofa gracelessly as he hurriedly returned the call. His mouth felt dry as he brought his mobile phone to his ear and waited for Naruto to pick up. And Naruto took a long, long time to do it.
When the call was picked up, no sound came from the other side. Sasuke swallowed hard, his heart beating fast.
"Naruto?" he called out softly, only to receive a slightly shaky sigh in response, but nothing else. Sasuke felt his muscles tense in alarm. "Naruto, are you alright? Come on, talk to me."
A quiet, but unidentifiable sound could be heard coming from Naruto, followed by a complete silence so cutting Sasuke found his own voice stuck in his throat.
"I… love you so much." Sasuke stopped breathing as those hoarse words reached him in whispered honesty, but also carrying a dense, heartbreaking sadness to them. It was Naruto, but this tone was unrecognizable. "I have been in enough relationships to know that I've never felt for anyone the way I feel about you, Sasuke. You're so important to me that I know being parted from you will always feel like a part of me will be missing. In fact, I'm sure that death itself feels similar to this."
Sasuke tried to speak but his throat felt like it was full of sand. Naruto's words were slow, as if he wanted him to listen to them well.
"You mean to me things that I'm sure not even you are aware of," Naruto proceeded, heaving a heavy, utterly exhausted sigh. "And that's okay. But I can't do this anymore."
"Do what, exactly?" Sasuke blurted out suddenly,his voice cracking unexpectedly.
The change was instantaneous.
"This, Sasuke!" Naruto suddenly snapped, making Sasuke cringe at the suddenly aggressive tone. "I can't keep pretending that everything's alright when inside I'm slowly losing my mind! I can't keep playing the boyfriend while you're still playing house with Karin! Have you ever even considered how that makes me feel?"
"Of course I have!" Sasuke retorted quickly, defensively, because he could feel danger approaching and his fear growing, and all he could do, really, was try and reverse this no matter how. "We've talked about this, Naruto! You know it's not easy for me, there's a lot of stuff that I need to do and think about! But I'm going to talk to Karin, and we'll…"
"No, you're not!" This time, Naruto just sounded exasperated. Sasuke felt his body prickling, his spinning chilling. "You see, that's the problem! You've made your choice the moment you decided to be with me, Sasuke. I know you chose me. But you lack the balls to do something about it! And now she's hurting, too! How are you going to fix it, Sasuke? What are you going to tell her? You're just suddenly going to throw her into this mess, just like that, and expect it to go well? No! And this is why you won't talk to her, because you know you fucked up and now you're scared it's gonna blow in your face. You won't do a single fucking thing."
"We already talked about this…"
"I went against my own principles so I could be with you!" The anger in Naruto's voice made Sasuke shake, violently so. He felt like he was being slapped, punched, over and over again by that merciless voice and those piercing words that he knew he deserved. And he was panicking. "I came out to my family, to my friends, and to my co-workers. I sang for you in front of dozens of people. I changed my life and accepted that I was going to be leading the life of a man in love with another man. And what did you do, Sasuke? You didn't even tell your friends that we were together. All you did was fucking lie and buy yourself time, hoping that I'd forget our agreement."
The truth was brutal and cruel, and Sasuke had no idea what he could say to defend himself from that. He was completely trapped. "That's not…"
"I know it's complicated for you," Naruto cut, not allowing him to make excuses. "But it's complicated for me, too. Call me selfish but I want to be with you. I want to build a life with you more than anything else, I can't do it alone, and it can't be done if you lead a double life. I'm sick of hiding, sick of not knowing what tomorrow will look like, and sick of being 'the other person'. I'm sick of feeling hopeful only to end up being hurt and seeing how other people are getting hurt, too."
Sasuke was shivering so badly his stomach churned. Naruto's feelings were being thrown at him and they were hard to take, harsh and cutting. Somehow he knew that this was coming, but he hadn't prepared himself for it at all, so all he felt right now was shock and a desperation to do something, for now, to stop this mess from crumbling further apart - to stop Naruto from doing this to them. He didn't' want Naruto to feel this way, not because of him…
But it was his own fault.
"You're not the 'other person', idiot," Sasuke whispered shakily, lacking the strength to speak louder than Naruto himself. "You know how I feel about you! I know I've been fucking up and you're right in everything you said, but we have to work on this together, Naruto. You said we would! You can't just..."
Naruto huffed, and then groaned loudly in frustration. "Do you even understand that I'm the fool in all of this?" The way his voice cracked again brought a very sharp pain to Sasuke's chest - one he wasn't expecting to feel. At all. "I don't care what people think about me, but I'm the one that looks like a complete idiot. And I'm done with that. I'm done waiting for you to do something for us. Because this is your problem. I told you I'd be there for you, but it's not me who has to face Karin, or to change things; it's you. It was your life to begin with, it's your life you'll have to change. But you won't do it. You just keep on dragging yourself around, waiting for a miracle to happen. But it won't. And I'm tired of waiting. I told you, I..."
"Don't do this, Naruto."
Sasuke had never pleaded for anything in his life, but he was pleading now because it was all he could do. He couldn't even feel his own body anymore, it was like everything was an overflowing mess of painful emotions that he had no control of. All he knew was that he couldn't handle this. He couldn't handle this at all, and he felt so vulnerable it was terrifying.
This whole situation was the most terrifying and pain inducing one he had ever experienced in his life.
"Give me a chance to fix it! I am going to, I swear! Let me just…"
"Shut up… Sasuke..."
And Naruto was crying. The low sound of his gentle hiccups and sniffing sounded like something out of this world. It didn't seem real. If nightmares had a sound, they would sound like this, Sasuke was sure.
It seemed fucking crazy and unbelievable, but he had actually made Naruto cry, and the knowledge of it brought forth some of the worst feelings he had ever felt.
He felt sick to his stomach..
Has he cried before, because of me?
Has he been crying all night because of me?
No.
No.
No.
"Don't cry…" Sasuke felt so powerless, so stupidly weak that all he could do was close his eyes and bury them in his hand. It hurt to even breathe. "Please, Naruto. You're not even debating this with me. Why are you doing this? Just because I fucked up with Karin, I..."
"I don't wanna hear it anymore, damn it!" A few sobs from Naruto made Sasuke's chest feel so tight he thought he might pass out. He didn't want to hear it either, not the words, not that sound, not that pain and not that frustration coming from Naruto. "All you do is talk and make promises you don't keep and find excuse after excuse! This is not easy for me! Do you even understand? I'm falling apart here, asshole! You're fucking everything up, for me, for you, and for your wife! You either want to be with me or you don't, it's fucking simple, Sasuke! If you want to be with me, then fucking do something about it! Stop playing fucking games once and for all!"
Sasuke knew Naruto was right, of course he did. There wasn't a single thing that came out of his friend's mouth that didn't hit the mark. He should've seen all of it coming, he should've expected this, but somehow, he had taken everything for granted. He had thought that he'd never be put in this position - that Naruto would never put them in such a situation.
But wasn't that just Sasuke being selfish again and looking out for his own self-preservation? Again, leaving everything for Naruto to endure without thinking about Naruto's feelings at all?
Had he been doing it all along? Being this miserable, despicable person, settling for what he had and hoping that Naruto's feelings for him would be enough to not break them apart?
I'm the worst…
Why is this happening?
I'm such a fucking fool…
Naruto...
"Naruto, please…You can't simply just break up with me after everything," Sasuke whispered, leaning over as if unconsciously trying to curl in on himself. He felt so pitiful, so utterly helpless he hated it. He truly and honestly hated himself right now. Everything was fucked up and he didn't know how to process it, too overwhelmed by his own emotions, by Naruto's own emotions that he could feel as if they were his own. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. "I can't do this without you."
A loud sniff could be heard, before Naruto muttered a miserable "You should've done it with me when you had the chance, then."
If Sasuke had been stabbed it wouldn't have been this painful. Naruto was harsh and merciless. He was… so strong and implacable.
And still, Sasuke knew he was right.
Naruto wasn't budging at all, but Sasuke knew he should've known better because that was who Naruto was; honest, true to himself and someone who never changed his mind when he made a decision. One of traits Sasuke had loved the most about him - his unfaltering willpower.
This was sure to be very hard on Naruto. Sasuke understood, in his own afflicted state of mind, that it must've taken a lot of strength for Naruto to even find the courage to pick up his phone and call him, let alone say all these things that had been plaguing him for so long. Naruto would never want him to hurt, Sasuke knew that.
But right now, he didn't care. All Sasuke cared about was that everything he loved and needed was falling apart at his feet and that he couldn't do anything to stop it. He had no way to. Words could never be enough, and right now, there was no immediate action he could take.
Desperately, Sasuke tried to think about a way to delay it, to reverse it, even if just for half an hour, just so he could move, do something, act and make Naruto see that things would change.
"You can't break up with me over the fucking phone, Naruto," Sasuke said hurriedly, not caring at all if his voice shook badly, cold from the emotional shock he felt. "Please, let's just meet and talk face to face and figure it out! You're not thinking about this properly, you know that…"
"No, I did think about it," Naruto replied, before hiccuping in an almost childish way. He released a trembling sigh. He sounded so worn out, so frustrated. "So… if you want to be with me, you do something about it. I'm just done. I'm done, Sasuke."
"No…"
"I hope we can be friends, at some point," Naruto raised his voice again so he could interrupt him once more. "You're very important to me, and I don't want to lose you, so I'll always be here for you no matter what, but right now I just can't. I can't be around you. I can't see you, I can't be with you… I just can't. It's going to kill me, I'm sure, but I can't..."
"Wait, Naruto..."
The line went dead. The constant beeping made Sasuke feel dizzy. Everything was spinning. His head was throbbing.
His mobile phone fell from his hand and hit the floor with a loud crash but Sasuke couldn't care if it broke into a million pieces when everything inside of him felt like it had disintegrated and turned to dust.
He crossed his arms over his chest tightly and leaned down further until his forehead almost connected with his knees. The sickness in his stomach wouldn't go away and he struggled to breathe in short and quick gasps but his lungs felt small and incapable. His whole body felt cold and about to collapse one way or the other.
He felt so many things at the same time he didn't know what to do with himself. How had it come to this? He couldn't understand it at all.
Why? Why had it ended like this, for something so stupid?
How could he have let Naruto reach such a breaking point? How could Sasuke have ruined everything because of a simple fucking mistake?
Sasuke simply couldn't understand. Nothing made sense. Weren't things just fine a few hours ago, when they'd been laughing and kissing and flirting and wanting each other as if nothing else mattered?
The way he felt right now was unlike anything he had ever felt in his life. He felt like he was drowning, suffocating. He felt like complete trash, lower and dirtier than any bug crawling in the mud. There was anger and guilt and pain and loss and devastation and pure horror. It was a helplessness that was beyond humiliating and a devastating disbelief that he had actually fucking lost the only thing that made him happy every single day of his existence.
It was like… without Naruto, he didn't even know how to exist. He didn't know how to do anything.
How had he lived before Naruto? How had he been able to talk and walk when, right now, it felt as if his very existence had vanished the moment Naruto hung up on him?
Sasuke didn't know. He didn't know anything, couldn't think of anything clearly. All he could see was Naruto's face and all he could hear were Naruto's words to him and how his voice had sounded through those tired tears.
And Sasuke couldn't stand it. He couldn't stand knowing he had done this to them both, that he had done this to Naruto.
There was nothing but pain.
I didn't even tell him I loved him, too…
Maybe if I had... maybe if I had told him he would've waited…
Wishful thinking. Just a few minutes. If only Naruto had waited just a few minutes, Sasuke could've done something to stop this mess from happening.
But Naruto had given him days, weeks, months, hadn't he? And Sasuke still thought that he deserved more time just because he had a rope around his neck? For a guy with a high IQ, Sasuke sure was naïve, and he knew it.
It was laughable. Naruto would think so, too. Because you can never be too early, but there's no turning back time when you're too late.
A gasp left him. He was going to be sick. No, he was going to scream, or cry, but his own body seemed to not know how to express the chaos within him so he just kept panting, both hands coming up to fist his hair tight. He wanted to disappear.
No, for sure, he was going to die. He wanted to. He wished he could just drop dead that same moment. There was no way he'd live through these agonizing feelings.
He just… wanted to see Naruto. He wanted to make things right.
But right now, he just...
"Sasuke?"
Startled, Sasuke straightened up quickly and looked over his shoulder to find Karin standing at the entrance of the living room. She looked terribly pale, her vivid red hair falling over her shoulders in a tangled mess. She looked horrible in every way possible, and nauseated, but Sasuke could only stare at her with wide eyes and trembling lips parted as he breathed hard.
He had no idea what expression he was making, or what kind of look he was giving her, but her drowsy expression changed to one of worry first, and then, to one of utter desolation.
Something passed between them, then - the moment when Karin seemed to understand something, was the moment Sasuke realized how transparent he was being.
Whatever she had seen in his eyes had just hurt her, too. Badly. Karin's hands turned into fists at her sides and she bit down on her lower lip hard.
Not even blinking, Sasuke's brain drew a blank. Then, suddenly, his vision watered and he couldn't see her anymore as the image of her became blurry.
"Why the fuck are you crying, you idiot?" he heard her say, in an angry, confused tone that accused her own proximity to tears. She also sounded surprisingly concerned, but unlike Sasuke, she was strong and her voice was demanding, unfaltering and without fear. "What the fuck's happening right now, Sasuke?"
Was he crying, now? He couldn't even tell. He couldn't move. He had stopped feeling his body altogether.
He couldn't feel anything but the sharp pain in his heart.
Still, automatic tears fell from his eyes and down his face freely and he did nothing to stop or wipe them away. There was no hiding the display of emotions on his face and he knew Karin would see every single one of them.
That was probably why she had started openly sobbing, too. In a way, she already knew that something was going terribly wrong between them.
That was two people he had made cry more than once in just a few hours.
And he truly didn't deserve neither of them.
TBC…
A/N2nd: Alright, I know… don't kill me, okay? This chapter (and the breakup) kind of turned out a little different from what I was expecting, but I guess Naruto actually happened to be more emotionally affected than we all thought.
This story, as you all might know, is reaching the end. A few more chapters to go and we're done. But don't worry, THIS chapter is not the end of it!
Also… I understand that it seems a bit exaggerated for Karin to break down over such a trivial thing as Sasuke forgetting their wedding anniversary, but (SPOILER ALERT) her side of things will become clearer in the next chapter.
Also, I know Sasuke feels a bit… unbalanced in this chapter, and really, I didn't expect him to be this fragile, I guess, and powerless. But I suppose that it's because he's terribly pure and naïve when it comes to real love and losing something that's truly valuable and essential to him. This is all very new to him, and he has taken everything for granted.
It's easy to forget that this Sasuke can't be the same as canon Sasuke, so this Sasuke needs to learn a few things with this experience, and trust me, he will :) I feel like he truly needs to move by himself for a while and become wiser and stronger so he can develop as a character. Don't you? Yeah. I understand him, and I love him, but I don't feel sorry for him, just for his relationship with Naruto.
So… fear not. The story isn't over yet!
Thank you all for reading, and as usual, thank you for the wonderful support you've all been giving this story! It's because and for you guys that I write! I can only ask that you trust me and pray that I can provide a satisfying ending for this fic!
REVIEW? It makes me so happy and inspired to know your thoughts :3