Hey, guys! I just wanna say a quick thank you to IWriteNaked for being the best beta and always being gr9. As always, thanks to DeathCabForMari, spikeyhairgood, and LuckyAsLockhart for also being awesome all the time. :)

Important AN at the bottom

Drifting apart like two sheets of ice, my love
Frozen hearts growing colder with time
There's no heat from our mouths
Please take me back to my refuge

And we were in flames, I needed, I needed you
To run through my veins, like disease, disease
And now we are strange, strangers

It's different now
Gray-faced
Eyes burnt out
Flames are gone
Gloves are on
I have a feeling
Love's gone mad

...

Oh, winter comes
Oh, winter crush all of the things that I once loved

"Winter" by Daughter

"I just can't believe you can eat this much chocolate in the morning and not die," Isabelle says, looking at Sebastian with an eyebrow raised. I, on the other hand, am just concerned about the amount of brownies my boyfriend is stuffing in his mouth.

We're at Java Jones, obviously. It's the first day of our junior year, and we left our homes early so we could stop by and have a relaxing breakfast. It's just Isabelle, Maia, Simon, Sebastian, and me right now. Alec and Magnus are off at college—they're studying in California, I think; I haven't really asked—and so is my brother. Which is great, actually, because I'm an only child, and I get to tell Luke and Mom, "But you let Jonathan do those things when he was my age." It's pretty awesome.

"It's simple," Sebastian says. "I have to be on a diet—ish—when the season starts, so I stuff my face with candy and dangerous things 24/7 while I can."

"An example to follow, really," I comment.

He grins at me. "You love it."

"Unfortunately."

Isabelle throws a hash brown at me. "Stop being gross."

"I've said that to you and Simon plenty of times. While you made out. On my bed."

"Point taken," she replies.

We eat in peace together, but I know we're not all at peace. I glance at Maia every once in a while and try to say something to make her smile, whether it's a simple compliment or a joke or something because seeing one of my best friends look so broken is tearing at my heart.

What happened was that people don't change, apparently, so Jordan got drunk and so did she and they got into a fight and he hit her and she broke up with him. And it was sad, because they'd been getting along, but there was no going back. I could tell. I woke up the next day and she'd called me three times. When I called her back, I could barely understand her, she was crying so hard. So I brought her over to the apartment and we watched comedies—without romance—and ate tons of ice cream and she cried and I felt like crying right back, but I didn't. This happened only three weeks ago, so the pain is still fresh. And Jordan went off to college last week—off to Texas to study God-knows-what—but she's still here, and she sees him everywhere we go.

I know the feeling of losing someone suddenly and in the worst kind of way, but I can't say that our pain compares. She actually put some effort into making it work that second time. I don't doubt that he did, too, but we are who we are in the end, I guess, and maybe he hadn't gotten enough help or hadn't lost something that hit him hard enough to set him straight, but this is how it ended.

You wouldn't know that she feels like shit unless you actually know her. She looks put together and pretty, as per usual, and she looks tough, and not at all like her heart feels like it's been stomped on and run over. I know that, right now, she just wants a distraction from everything, but I can't stop thinking about the things I wish I had the courage to tell her, like how brave she is for everything and how she's gonna be okay because there are billions of boys in the world and there has got to be at least one that's better than Jordan.

After we finish eating, we go straight to school. It's pretty close, actually, but walking there in the heat when I'm wearing jeans is exhausting. Once we make it inside, I buy myself a water bottle in the cafeteria. We drop our bags off near the library and make our way into the multipurpose room, where the yearly assembly is being held.

The principal talks about how we are a great group of students attending a private school, and that we are lucky that we don't have to wear uniforms, and that we're young, but responsible, and that we have to make the best out of our year. She throws a lot of random stuff in there, probably to incentivize the new students and whatnot. Sebastian grabs my hand and starts tracing circles on my palm, and I smile as I look at the backs of people's heads (I'm not actually tall enough to get a look at the principal).

After the assembly ends, I go pick up my schedule. I worked pretty hard to get the classes I wanted, so I smile as I look at the selection on the paper. I'm gonna die, but I'm gonna die happy.

Homeroom: Mr. Hastings
AP US History
Spanish III
Snack
AP English Literature
Physics
AP Studio Art
Lunch
Algebra II
Science Fiction Literature

We'd all agreed to meet where our bags were, so I walk in the direction of the library as I folded my schedule. I'm a little nervous, not gonna lie. Physics and Algebra II are gonna kick my ass.

Sebastian is beside me in seconds. He looks like he's been jogging, which is just utterly ridiculous, but whatever. "Let's see it."

"Algebra II," I say. "That's it."

"Our Spanish and science pattern's been broken."

"Don't worry," I tell him with a grin. "You'll still be my tutor."

"Just as long as I get to pick the payment method."

Someone clears her throat behind me. Isabelle. "Gross," she says, standing beside me to compare our schedules.

"Homeroom, Spanish, AP Lit, and Physics."

"Not bad," she replies. "Simon and Maia are fixing something in theirs."

"I'll tell him to text me a picture of both. We have to get to homeroom," I say, whirling around to look at Sebastian. "See you at lunch?"

He gives me a quick kiss. "Of course."

Isabelle and I walk to homeroom. "So," I say. "Junior year."

"Hell year, according to pretty much everyone."

I let out an unenthusiastic "yay" as we make our way into homeroom. We sit in the back, as per usual, in a corner. I sit in front of her and turn back to face her.

"How do you think Maia's doing?" I ask her.

She shakes her head. "That girl is impossible to read, but I'm guessing she's heartbroken. It's pretty obvious that she was head over heels in love with that guy."

"Yeah. I wish we could do something for her, but she's strong."

"She is. Also," she adds, "have you and Sebby done the nasty yet?"

My eyes widen, and I whirl around to make no one heard what she said. "Isabelle Sophia Lightwood, you're dead."

She erupts into a fit of giggles. "What? It's a legitimate question."

I roll my eyes. "No, we haven't."

"What is wrong with you?"

"I know that you and Simon love that ass—believe me, so do I—but I don't know. We've had some chances, but none of them have seemed like the time yet."

She smiles. "There isn't a perfect time, you know. If you want it, just go for it. Don't wait until the world shows you a sign, because it'll be just as if it hadn't." However, just as she says that, her eyes go wide. She's looking at something behind me, but she grabs my hand before I can turn around to see. God, it's like a scary movie. "So," she says, her tone light, "you know how we were talking about signs? And how you shouldn't, you know, pay attention to them?"

"What's behind me, Iz?"

We're whispering furiously. "Well, uh, I don't actually know how this is even possible, but see for yourself." She releases my arm and nods.

But, the thing is, I already know what it is. And I don't wanna look back.

When you build a life for yourself, a life that you're happy with, reminders of the life you led before can be destructive. They can get you to regress, to feel things you left buried in the deepest corners of your mind. And I know that, if I take one look at Jace Wayland, who is definitely standing or sitting or doing something behind me, I will fall apart.

But I know I'll have to do it eventually. I remind myself that hiding from the things I'm afraid of makes me a coward, and then I turn around.

He's sitting diagonally from me; there are no other seats available, it seems, and so he's here, so close I can barely breathe. I saw him months ago, but that was so far away. Now he's here.

Why?

I turn back to look at Isabelle, who just shrugs. "Ask Seb if he can find out."

I pull out my phone and type up a text, but they all sound desperate. He'd know something's up, and I don't want that. I put my phone away. "Has Simon sent you a picture of his schedule?"

"Yeah. He didn't send one to you?"

"I haven't gotten one."

"He sent me one of Maia's too." She hands me her phone. The first one has his name on top of it in capital letters. We have AP US History and Sci-Fi Lit together, but that's pretty much it. As for Maia, we have Spanish III and Algebra II together.

It's not too bad, but still.

When the bell for homeroom finally rings, Mr. Hastings stands up. I don't really know him or about him, and his introduction pretty much explains why. He says he's new here, that he's looking forward to have us as his homeroom…blah, blah, blah. Because today is so hectic, he reads us the announcements, and now we have the rest of this time to chill.

I move my desk closer to Isabelle's. "This is gonna be the worst year."

"I'm just confused about one thing."

"Only one?" I raise an eyebrow.

She ignores me. "Why is he in our homeroom? Isn't he a year older?"

"I was wondering the same thing."

Before I can figure out how to get any answers, the bell rings. I take my schedule with me. Room 207. I groan and make my way up the stairs and onto the second floor. Once I'm in the room, I pick a seat near the back.

And, wouldn't you know it, Jace walks right in too.

It happens after Simon settles into the seat beside me. He starts telling me something, but it slips my mind when I see his face.

Damn.

"Earth to Clary." Simon snaps his fingers in front of my face. "What the hell are you—oh."

"Yup. Oh is right."

"What the hell—"

"No clue."

He glares at me. "Will you let me finish?"

I roll my eyes. "Sorry. Didn't know you were pissy today."

"I'm not. Just…confused, I guess."

"About him?"

He shakes his head. "Something happened. I mean, yeah, this whole thing's super confusing, but I have to tell you something."

"Okay. Shoot."

"Not now. It has to be us."

"Are you going to Isabelle's after school? I could go along."

He shakes his head again. "Izzy can't know yet."

I frown. That doesn't seem good. "I can pretend to need your help for something during snack time?"

Simon lets out a breath and nods. "Sounds good. What, though?"

I shrug. "I'll figure it out."

Throughout our interaction, my heart rate has not slowed down. It still beats way too fast, like a wild thing fighting to get out of its cage. Our AP US History teacher introduces himself, but I'm not listening to what he's saying. I catch things like "syllabus"—thick document that's placed on my desk moments later—and "test" and "reading," but I can't really focus. This is a problem.

This is what I want:

I want to ask him what he's doing here. Why he's back. Why he's back now, precisely, when my life is going so well and I have a boyfriend and everything. I want to ask him why he didn't tell me he was coming back when I saw him, or why he hasn't said a word to me.

I want to ask him if he hates me.

But I can't do anything. I am paralyzed by fear, and the bell rings too soon, so I make my way into Spanish III, which I share with Isabelle. She looks at my face and bites her lip.

"You okay?"

"Not even slightly."

"You need to get it together, you know," she tells me. Once she sees my glare, she sighs. "I'm only saying it because your boyfriend will be wondering why the hell his girlfriend is acting so sketchy, and you can't give him a half-assed answer. Have you even told him about Jace yet?"

I haven't. "He knows everything except that it was him."

"Well, if you keep acting like this, he's gonna figure it out."

I'm well aware of that, but I don't tell her. Our Spanish teacher walks into the classroom and apologizes for not having been here. She's had to switch rooms, apparently. Anyway, she starts her class, hands us a syllabus, and talks to us about everything, and my conversation with Isabelle is over.

Just like that.

When the bell rings, I remember about Simon. "Hey, I have to borrow Simon during snack. You can keep Seb, though. You can even stare at his butt."

She looks like she's about to laugh as she picks up her bag. "What do you need Simon for, anyway?"

Crap. "I just need him to help me with something with administration. I'd rather starve him than you."

She places a hand on her chest. "I'm so touched. See you later."

We part ways, and I call Simon. "Where are you?" I ask as soon as he picks up.

"By the library. Did you tell Izzy you were coming with me?"

"Yeah. We're doing administrative stuff. This," I add, "is so weird."

"Just meet me down here."

After I do as he says, we walk to a little lobby area on the third floor. Isabelle likes to spend her snack time with the crowd downstairs on the first day—maybe even on the first week—so we're safe up here, especially since it's so far from the stairs.

"What's up, Si?" I set my bag down and sit on one of the chairs.

"Here." He hands me a snack, and I thank him. "Well," he continues, "I was scared of telling anybody this, because I'm sure it was harmless, and I don't want any trouble or drama."

"Spill it," I urge him.

Simon sighs. "You know how Maia and I went to the office together?"

"Sure."

"Well…" He lets his voice trail off and shuts his eyes. I'm pretty sure I have a clear picture forming in my head, and it's not good. "She hit on me."

"What'd she do?"

"Tried flirting with me. And kissing me."

Yup. That's definitely blunt and not at all vague, which is what I'd hoped.

I sigh. "She's in a bad place right now, Si."

"But why me? I'm with Isabelle."

I shake my head. "She's not thinking rationally."

"I don't wanna fuck anything up. She's my friend, but…"

Yeah. "I know." I pause for a second. "Why didn't you wanna tell Izzy?"

"Are you kidding?" He raises an eyebrow. "Look, Isabelle isn't a jealous person, but this isn't a matter of assumption. This actually happened, and, once she has that, she will turn Maia inside out for even thinking of trying to do anything with me, especially after I turned her away." He closes his eyes. "I just wish she hadn't done that. I wanna talk to Isabelle, but it's not gonna turn out well. I don't wanna pit them against each other, you know?"

I nod. I do know. But I also know this: "Honesty," I tell him, "is more important than anything else. If you wanna have a good relationship with Iz, then you have to tell her."

He buries his head in his hands. I wish there was something I could do to make this choice easier for him, but it's a dilemma that's not easy to solve. I don't know what I'd do, and I'm glad that it's not my choice to make, but I wish I had the wisdom to tell him exactly what to do.

Simon looks up at me. "How's your situation?"

I shrug. "I don't know anything. I have to talk to Sebastian to see if he's found out anything, but I'm not even sure how to bring it up casually."

He frowns. "Does he not—"

I shake my head. "Doesn't have a clue."

He sighs. "That's fucked."

"It is."

We stay there in silence, listening to each other eat. I think that we both feel too heavy to speak, so we let our thoughts run wild as our bodies are stuck in place. I don't think I've fully registered that the guy I've shed so many tears over is here, but that's mainly because I'm focused on why and when and so many different things.

But the whys. The whys are killing me.

Why hasn't he talked to me?

Why is here?

Why is he in our grade?

Why?

They're not many questions, but they're eating up at me. When the bell rings, I'm glad for the opportunity to bolt. I feel like running just to get rid of the ache in my chest, but I don't know where I'd go.

Isabelle is already in AP English Lit when I arrive, and I sit beside her. There is a question in the way she looks at me, and I turn around to see what it is.

"Have you found out anything?"

"Nope."

"Good," she says. "Because I have."

Over the span of AP English and Physics, Isabelle tells me all she knows.

Of course, she went ahead and asked my boyfriend, who thought she was just gossiping for the hell of it. So he told her that Jace's mom got fired from her job, and she found a new one in the city, and her boyfriend wanted to move back anyway, so they hauled ass to the city, and here they are.

That's it. That's the only explanation he gave.

Whatever. It's very anticlimactic, but I don't hang on to the idea of there being more to it than that. Also, he's in my AP English Lit class, which I realized a second too late thanks to Isabelle, and I almost fell to pieces. Jesus Christ, I am a big, fat mess.

AP Studio Art is my class alone. My time to decompress. I sit in a corner and doodle in my sketchbook as the teacher drones on and on about the techniques we'll be looking at and everything. It seems like this is gonna be my kind of class, which is good, because I was 0.5 seconds away from giving up on everything.

I hear someone giggle beside me. I look up to find the teacher already sitting down; we must have free time the rest of the period. I take out my phone, and I'm halfway through texting Sebastian about my perpetual state of boredom when I register that the girls are talking about Jace.

"Well," one of them says, "my friend went to his school, and she said that he was the best lay there was. He uses girls and drops them. Well," she adds, "if that's what I'm getting, sign me up."

Her friend laughs. "I'll take your sloppy seconds."

Gross. Some girls are so weird. I look back down at my phone and text Isabelle.

So apparently Jace was a man-whore.

I get a text merely seconds later. I know. I didn't wanna tell you, but yeah.

Well, hell.

What do you know?

She replies seconds later. The standard. He slept with a truckload of girls at his old school and is already flirting with everyone and their mother around here.

How did I not see that?

I receive another message shortly afterwards. Fuck him. (And not literally.) You have Sebby.

I do. But I haven't been sleeping around or anything—though I suppose one serious relationship speaks volumes more than a few lays.

Why am I thinking like this? Like he still matters? God.

I text Isabelle something about her meeting me outside the AP Studio Art classroom. She's there when I leave the class, and I try not to look as stricken as I feel.

"Pull yourself together," she tells me. "Focus on Seb, okay?"

If only it were that easy. I nod anyway, and we walk to the cafeteria. Simon's already at our table, and I've noticed that Maia's absent. Oh well. I sit next to Sebastian, and he puts an arm around me. I smile up at him.

"Did you guys solve that thing during snack?" Seb asks.

I'm confused for a second before I remember: our excuse. "Yup," I say. "All done."

"What was it?" Izzy asks.

Goddamn. "Just an error with my account."

She frowns. "On the first day?"

"I know, right?"

I feel like shit for lying to her, but I'm doing it for Simon's sake. I sneak a glance at him, and the look on his face tells me that he's gonna talk to her. That he understands.

Good.

"Hey," Sebastian says, his voice a little lower. "Do you wanna come over today?"

If I say no, then that'll just make me seem shadier. Besides, he makes me feel better. Happier. So I nod, plaster and smile on my face, and say, "I'd love nothing more."

He gives me a quick kiss, and then we talk about our days as we eat, and it's awesome to hear about their classes. It's distracting.

Until Sebastian mentions the freakin' soccer team.

"We're trying out next week," he says. "And I think the team will be really good this year. I'm just bummed that it takes up most of my time." He looks at me while he says it, and I lean into him. "But I love it."

"Yeah," Isabelle says. "But you two will be fine."

"Always will be," he replies.

And, oh my God, it hurts to hear him say that.

It reminds me of a conversation I had with Isabelle when she and Simon were just starting to have sex on a regular basis. I'd asked her if it made her feel like she was making a bigger commitment, and she said that it just felt like fun.

I just need to make this fun.

I look at my friends, and then back at him. "I need to talk to you in private," I say in a low voice.

"Okay. Let's go someplace else."

I say bye to my friends, grab his hand, and walk out of the cafeteria. The two of us make our way out into the relatively empty hallways. I feel like running, and he walks fast, so I go along with him, and we make it to the very end.

"Hi," I say, slightly breathless.

"Hey," he replies.

"Um." I'm suddenly nervous. "So I'm ready."

He raises an eyebrow. "For?"

I roll my eyes at him, but smile. "Just tell me you have condoms."

His eyes widen. "Really?"

I nod. "Uh-huh."

"I do," he says, smiling at me. "At my house?"

"No one will be there, right?"

He shakes his head. "Both of my parents work."

I smile. "Okay. Good."

We're standing beside a closet, and the two of us eye it at the same time. The air has changed. I kind of want to do this now.

He looks at me, and I say, "Yup," and he opens the closet with force—

—to reveal Jace. Making out with a girl I don't know.

"Occupied," he says, annoyed.

Sebastian raises his hands up in the air, a gesture of innocence. "Sorry, dude."

I want to do him now.

Because fuck all of that. I think I was holding onto something that was never really there. And it all hits me so fast and hard that I want to forget.

But I can't. He kisses the top of my head. "Let's get our bags, okay?"

I nod, disappointed. There are other closets, but whatever. "Okay."

Here are the things that make me angry before I have sex:

Jace was in my Sci-Fi Lit class, and he glared at me the entire time.

Jace was making out with the same girl near the lockers when I left.

He hasn't spoken to me.

Or told me why.

And it all builds up inside of me, like a storm waiting to unleash. Like a beast ready to escape its cage. And, when Sebastian closes the door to his apartment, I pull him down and press our lips together.

The two of us have learned to fit together. We've done things so many times that it's natural, like breathing. Only this time we won't stop. We'll keep going. That's the only thing that's gonna change. We've seen each other naked a ton of times before, but he stops this time to look at me—really look at me—and he says he loves me and plants kisses on my lips, my jawline, my neck, and down my chest. And I think: what was I so afraid of before? He's here like he's been a billion times before, naked and hot and very much in love, and I'm not gonna lose him.

But then I think of Jace, glaring at me and being a little shit in general, and I get mad again. In a way, I'm glad that the anger's there; it makes me bolder, makes me speed up this process. But I don't want to feel angry.

Sebastian kisses me at the same time he enters me, and it all falls away. Just like that. It's not that the anger isn't there, or that it disappeared, but I've lost it and replaced it with something. I feel a little bit of pain, and I let out a gasp, so he stops.

"You okay?"

I nod, biting my lip, and he keeps going. And I just remembered why I've been with him for almost a year. He keeps me grounded, happy. He takes me to a stage of bliss when rage had coursed through my veins just seconds before.

He's the one I wanna be with.

He tells me he loves me and kisses my lips softly before lying down beside me. We're both breathing heavily, and there's a stupid smile on my face. I'm not gonna lie, it did hurt. And I might be a little in shock.

But it was good. I eye his profile, and then he meets my gaze and wraps an arm around me. I snuggle up to him, my head on his chest, and I can't believe I didn't do this before.

"Are you okay?" he asks. He's tracing patterns on my exposed shoulder.

I nod. "I'm okay." I'm tracing patterns on his chest with a smile.

"Do you wanna sleep?"

I nod again. I'd told my mom that I was gonna be out until late, so we set an alarm for six thirty, close the blinds, lock the door, and fall asleep in each other's arms.

So hiii, guys. I wanted to write a longer AN here (rather than up there) because of spoilers and stuff.

That being said, I know that this chapter has a lot of things going on, so I'll talk about them now.

Jace is backkkk! However, the fact that he's back doesn't mean he's going to immediately interact with Clary again. In fact, it's kind of the opposite. It's why I wanted there to be so much time in between what happened with them initially and him coming back. The truth is, a lot of time has passed (like three years), and that means that he's gone through a lot while having this in the back of his mind. When you let things fester, and when things continue to impact you for a long time, they become bigger (emotionally) than what they are if you confront them immediately. It's just how things work. And, with them dealing with this for three years without each other and without communicating their feelings, they've definitely got reasons to behave the way they do. Jace was the one who got hurt initially, so, naturally, he's going to want to stay away from her, and you'll definitely see that a lot in MS. Clary, on the other hand, has this overwhelming sense of guilt, and this insane need to make things right between them because of it. So...yeah.

As for Clary + Sebastian having sex...I know that it's pretty bad that they didn't do it for the typical reasons. I know. But, if you consider this, she does love him. She may not be in love with him, but that doesn't really matter. Yes, part of the reason she went ahead and did it was because she was pissed and frustrated and hurt, and that's never a good reason to do most things, but this kind of thing depends on the person. Clary, as a character, has spent a few months readying herself for sex with Seb. This was just a catalyst—a bad one, yes, but a catalyst nonetheless. Some of you might see that as wrong, but that's just the way it happened for her, just as it's happened this way to tons of people. Besides, it's just sex. It's not that big a deal.

I just wanted to clarify those two points. Please, take a moment to read this before you ask any questions related to either subject. As always, I'm happy to talk about the story/answer any questions.

Thank you for reading!

Let me know what you think! X