A/N: And here is 21! I had a lot of this written months ago, and I finally get to post it!
Letters to Harm
Chapter 21: Memories
My Dear Harm,
I'm going to take a break from my "documentation" of his transgressions. I want to remember the night we made love. I want to remember every minute of it. I can still feel the heat of you surrounding me as you put your jacket around me, your gentle touch as you wiped away my tears…your lips following mine after I kissed you…the way you pulled me to you as you deepened our kiss. I feel your hand running up my back, pressing me to you even more. Oh, Harm…I've never been kissed like that before.
And when we stood next to each other as Harriet received her new bars…our hands brushed against each other…and it felt like you were kissing me again.
That night I went home with him. He wanted me, but I couldn't…I knew he was upset; we hadn't been together for a few weeks—I was traveling, he was traveling…and, maybe I shouldn't admit this…but thoughts of you were taking over my mind…it wasn't him I would dream about—it wasn't him I thought of when I touched myself. It was you. YOU, Harm. I felt terribly guilty, but that night…with the memory of your lips on mine so fresh…I couldn't be with Mic like that. I lay beside him in bed that night and I finally admitted to myself that I didn't feel for him the way I felt for you. I couldn't stop the tears from coming and I didn't want him to know if he woke up. I slid out of the bed and took my phone with me into the closet in the guest room so I could cry. I wasn't intending to call you…not really, but I couldn't stop my finger from hitting the speed dial. You're still #1…not him. Never him.
You answered so quickly…like you were holding your phone just waiting for me to call…
May 12th, 2001
Mac's Apartment
"We're getting too good at saying good-bye…"
Mac closed her eyes in the dark of her guestroom closet, the tears sliding from underneath her lids. Too good at saying goodbye? What the hell did that mean? They were really fucking awful at it, she thought bitterly. It wasn't going to work. Married to Mic, working with Harm…going home to Mic, never being alone with Harm. There was no way they'd be able to have those long working dinners together. No way they'd be able to spend a Saturday together, going to the Air and Space Museum—his favorite, or the Museum of Natural history—her favorite. Sure, they hadn't done the Smithsonian since before he'd left to fly…but now it was certain they never would. But did it have to be…
Mac flipped her phone open and saw his name at the top—number one on her speed dial. Her finger hovered over the button to initiate the call, and as if it were attached to someone else, she saw her finger push it.
Mac gasped. She hadn't meant to do that. She should just hang up…but before the first ring even ended, there was his voice. "Mac?"
The sound of her name on his lips was all it took for her tears to become sobs. She heard Harm's voice calling to her, the worry obvious in his tone, but she couldn't stop crying long enough to answer.
"Mac. Mac, honey, what's wrong?" His endearment for her only made her cry harder. Harm's voice continued to soothe, though, and she did her best to focus on that.
"Mac…just breathe for me. Everything's going to be okay. Just breathe." Mac breathed, and it was a collection of deep, shuddering gasps.
"Sweetheart, I'm here. You can tell me when you're ready…but I have to know—are you safe?" Mac didn't know if he even knew he was calling her honey, sweetheart, but it gave her strength and she managed to choke out a "yes." She heard his sigh of relief in her ear.
It took a few more minutes for her to calm, and her voice was still shaky as she spoke. "Harm?"
"I'm here, honey." Mac smiled and wiped away more tears. "What happened?"
"You did." She hadn't meant it to come out that way, but it was the truth.
"Oh, Mac…I'm sorry…I shouldn't have—"
"No, Harm…that's not what I meant."
"Okay, Mac. Just take your time. I'm here," he said again.
"I—I just, I can't—"
"Can't what, honey?"
"I—I can't—can't…marry him." He gasped in her ear.
"Wh—why not?"
"Because, I—I—" A small sob escaped.
"It's okay, Sarah."
Mac took in a deep breath, gathering up her courage. "Because—because I—I love you. I'm in love with you!"
Time stood still for once as she waited for his response. It finally came.
"Oh, baby…I love you too. I love you, Sarah."
Mac started to sob again, but this time she was able to get herself under control quickly.
"What am I going to do, Harm?"
Harm didn't answer right away, and Mac's heart thumped hard in her chest.
"You're going to come to me."
"Okay." It was surprisingly easy to agree.
"No, wait…" Mac's stomach dropped to her feet.
"Don't come here. It's two am. It isn't safe here. I'll come—"
"You can't come here, Harm. He's here."
"Then meet me somewhere…the Plaza. Meet me there. Please?"
"Okay," she said again. "Harm, I—"
"I know, baby…we'll talk when we get there. I'm already on my way."
She heard the jingle of his keys and the sound of his door shutting behind him.
"Me too. Um, goodbye, Harm."
"Goodbye, sweetheart. I love you."
"I love you too." She disconnected the call, marveling at how easy it actually was to admit her love for him. Without thinking too much, especially about the man currently sleeping in her bed, Mac grabbed a pair of jeans out of the laundry basket of clothes that she hadn't yet found the time to put away. She stripped out of her boxers and tank top, threw on a matching white bra and panty set, and pulled on a pair of jeans and a hoodie. She grabbed her purse and keys, then quietly and quickly left the apartment.
May 12th, 2001
Harm's Apartment
Harm pulled the phone away from his ear after Mac ended the call. His heart was hammering in his chest and his hands were shaking as he reached his Lexus. He was elated, scared, nervous, overwhelmed…Mac loved him, and he finally had admitted that he loved her.
She loved him…
Letting loose a joyous laugh, Harm put his Lexus in gear and raced toward the Plaza.
May 12th, 2001
The Plaza
Washington, DC
Harm slipped his credit card back into his wallet and picked up the keycard to his room. He'd secured a suite for them, not really knowing what was going to happen tonight. He just knew that he wanted privacy for them, and, as it was the last vacancy in the hotel, a suite is was.
He paced back and forth in the lobby, embarrassed that his palms had gotten sweaty, half-terrified that she wouldn't show up, half-terrified that she would.
He did know one thing, thought. It had been so, so easy to admit he loved her.
Suddenly he felt the familiar tingle that told him she was near. He was standing by the door, his back to it so he slowly turned around.
And there she was…
She was…beautiful. And she loved him.
He reached out his hand.
May 12th, 2001
The Plaza
Washington, DC
Mac hesitated after handing her keys off to the valet. The hotel loomed in front of her, and her heart once again pounded in her chest. What am I doing? she thought to herself, pulling her jacket more closely around her. I should just turn around and go back to…to Mic. To the man I'm supposed to marry. To the man that I know loves me. Why am I doing this?
The answer to that lay under many layers of denial, hurt, and perceived rejection. There was also fear there. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of losing his friendship. Fear that he only wanted her because she was unavailable, when she already had one foot out the door. It didn't matter what they'd just confessed to each other on the phone.
No, I am not going through that again, she thought, even as she took a step closer to the hotel. The doorman was eyeing her, and she wondered if he could sense the turmoil within. She took a few calming breaths, sliding one foot forward, enough for the doorman to feel comfortable pulling the door open for her.
It startled her.
She hesitated again, the stoic doorman looking on, feeling the panic overtake her. Walking into the hotel would change the course of her life forever, for good or for bad and it terrified her that she didn't which it would be. Turning around and going home to Mic would be returning to the familiar, the comfortable…
Except it wasn't comfortable anymore.
It was no secret that Mic didn't like Harm. He tolerated him, he was civil, but he was also dismissive and cool. A few weeks ago, and not for the first time, she'd referred to Harm as her best friend; it had just slipped out, and he had told her in a low, calm voice that he was her best friend now. She'd turned toward him, ready to tell him "of course, you are," as usual, but the words stuck in her throat. He may have sounded calm, but his eyes were another story. They were hard, flashing, but also had a strange emptiness behind them that, if she were being truly honest with herself, frightened her. She had nodded to him, and as soon as the looked appeared, it was gone, replaced with a smile meant to charm. He'd coaxed her into bed after that, and she, feeling unsettled and not a little guilty, went along with it. While she couldn't say that he was rough with her that night, he certainly wasn't gentle, leaving a few random bruises on her body.
She remembered with shame when Harm noticed them while everyone was at the Roberts' for Bud's birthday.
Mac had been reaching for the same piece of cake as Harm and as she drew her hand back to let him take it, he'd noticed them on her forearm…
"Mac…what happened to your arm?" he asked, setting his cake down and taking hold of it, gently turning it over to expose the softer inside skin. He delicately stroked the line of bruises—four of them in a neat little column, looking like so many fingerprints. Truthfully, Mac hadn't really noticed them; they didn't hurt and they hadn't hurt when they'd ostensibly occurred.
"Um…" she hesitated. "I don't know." She certainly had an idea, but it wasn't like she'd never been the one initiating rougher sex with Mic. He'd had a few bruises as well after some of those sessions. But this was different, her inner voice admonished her. He had been…angry.
Harm continued to gently run his fingers over the blue-black markings on her arm. "Mac…" he looked uncomfortable.
"What, Harm?"
"Did Mic do this?' he whispered.
She was quick to reassure him. "No, Harm. Absolutely not. I'm serious, I don't really know where they came from." Harm did not appear to be convinced.
"Mac, it's just that they…they look like fingerprints."
She frowned at the bruises. "They do, don't they."
"Yeah."
"Honestly, Harm, Mic would never deliberately hurt me. I promise you that."
He'd looked at her then for several moments, a frown on his face. She tried to maintain eye contact with him, but for some reason she felt embarrassed. She had to look away.
Harm caressed the line of bruises one more time, subtly leaning down as he did so. A heartbeat later, he snapped back up and let go of her. "Okay, well, good, Mac." He stepped away and turned around, leaving her and his cake behind.
She'd had the distinct impression he'd been about to kiss each bruise.
The rest of the afternoon, while they celebrated their friend and fellow colleague, Mac felt Harm's eyes on her. He watched her every move, her every interaction with Mic, seemingly waiting for Mic to do something to her. It irritated her. It made her feel ashamed. It made her think of all the other times she'd found Harm's eyes on her, the jealous glint in them, the snide little digs toward Mic that invariably followed.
And then there was Mic…he frequently brought up how he'd "bested" Harm in Australia, though it had looked like a draw to her, he'd complain whenever she had to work on a case with Harm, complaints that were never heard when she had to work with Bud, and he was always ready with his own snide little digs toward Harm. Digs that hurt her just as much as hearing Harm's digs toward Mic.
In truth, she felt torn between her fiancé and her best friend…and ashamed that they weren't one and the same.
And even more ashamed that Mic knew they weren't one and the same…no matter what she claimed otherwise.
No, Mic definitely didn't like Harm, and things definitely weren't comfortable with Mic…
How could they be if here she was, standing in front of the plaza at 0300, here to meet Harm. The panic seized her again.
What am I doing here? Mic loves me! He's told me that over and over…Harm…he only speaks in riddles…he can't say what he wants…he just confuses me. He tells me no, but he hates that I'm with Mic. He had months to do something when Mic was in Australia and we weren't even really engaged, but he didn't, and now he has the nerve to ask me if I love Mic…he has the nerve to be a jealous ass. I've seen the way he looks at me. I saw the hurt and anger in his eyes the night we went out with Mic and Rene. But he never made a move…why now? Because I almost literally have one foot out the door?
Why am I here?
She almost ran, almost turned around to beg the valet to bring her car back around. But then she saw him through the open door, the one the doorman continued to hold for her. His back was turned toward her at first, but, as if he knew she was there—and he likely did—he turned around. The look on his face…the way he held his hand out to her…
Why am I here?
The answer was simple.
Because I love him.
She stepped through the door.
"Harm— "
"Mac— "
They both spoke at once, chuckling awkwardly until Mac motioned for Harm to go first.
"Um, I got us…I mean, I got a room…a suite actually…they were out of regular rooms…"
She nodded. "Okay."
Neither of them moved, and Mac wondered if Harm could hear her heart pounding in her chest.
"The elevators are over there," he continued, motioning behind him.
Mac nodded again.
Still neither of them moved.
Harm shifted back and forth on his feet. "Mac…you…we…don't have to do this…"
His words pulled her out of her stupor. "No, Harm…I…" She bit her lip. "I'm—I'm just…scared." It hurt to admit that, and it hurt to feel a tear sliding down her cheek.
"Oh, Mac…" His hand came up to cup her cheek as he brushed the tear away with his thumb. "I'm scared too."
She could tell it cost him a lot to say that, and yet he said it anyway. He moved his hand from her cheek to thread his fingers in her hair. "But, Mac…Sarah, you don't have to be scared…I'm here…you're here. Let's just go upstairs and talk. We don't have to…do…anything else. Just…let me hold you?"
He sounded tentative yet determined…comforting. He slid his hand from her hair and motioned toward the elevators. "Please?"
She nodded a third time and he gave her his gentlest of smiles. He rested his hand on her back, and together, they made their way to the elevators.
"Did you want anything to drink? Coffee? Tea? Are you hungry? We could call room service—" Harm asked as they stepped into their suite.
Mac reached out and touched his arm. "I'm fine, Harm. But if you—"
He shook his head. "No, I'm fine too. Well, not exactly fine…"
"Me neither, Harm."
He gave her a half smile. "Then we have that in common…but, Mac? Right now, there is no place I'd rather be, okay?"
"Okay." She
"Why don't we go sit on the couch, and…talk."
"That would be good." Mac cursed herself. She'd known Harm for over four years, and she couldn't seem to say anything remotely intelligent to him tonight.
Harm's hand went to the small of her back again, ostensibly to lead her to the sofa. There was that simple, familiar gesture from him again, one she'd missed during the months of her engagement, and suddenly, she burst into tears. She covered her face with her hands, dimly aware of Harm's hands around her shoulders.
"Mac. Mac! Sweetheart, what's wrong? Do you not—if you don't want this, that's okay. It's okay. I'll take you home right now. Come on—"
His hands dropped from her shoulders, but not before she noticed the tremor in them. Don't let him walk away from you! Don't walk away from him! her inner voice screamed at her. "Harm!" Her fingers grasped at the cuff of his shirt and she fought to push the tears back. "N-no, Harm. No. I want this…it's just…so much all at once, I—I don't know…Harm…could you just…could you just kiss me like you did last night?"
Harm's eyes widened and his mouth dropped open in surprise. But still, he nodded. One long arm went around her waist, and the other slid up her back. He leaned down, his lips first just teasing hers, but then, as they did on the Admiral's porch, they captured her mouth. His tongue slid along the seam of her lips and she welcomed it inside. He tasted just as sweet as before, but not as desperate, just as masculine, just like she'd always imagined he'd taste. Their tongues dueled and danced, and she felt his hand slide up her back to the back of her neck as she slid her hand up his shoulder. It was everything that stolen kiss on the porch was and wasn't, and when it finally ended, both of them were breathing heavily, eyes clouded with passion.
His arms went completely around her again and he pulled her to his broad chest. Not for the first time she marveled how different he felt than Mic. With Mic, yes, she'd been attracted to him. His hands had felt good on her, his chest was just as broad…but it was…different. But what was the difference? Why did being held by Harm make her toes curl, her insides tremble, her heart joyful? Don't play dumb, MacKenzie, she admonished herself. She knew exactly why. Holding Harm meant safety. It meant comfort. It meant love. Always love. So then, how did she let things get so out of hand with Mic?
When it seemed Harm would never feel for her what she felt for him, she had run to Mic, thinking he could provide everything Harm wouldn't or couldn't. But Mic fell short. Always short. And he probably knew it. Guilt washed over Mac, but she decided to push it aside, just for tonight.
"Mac, honey, just take a breath. We can take our time. Nothing else has to happen tonight, okay? I promise. It's overwhelming, I know. I know. Let's just sit for a while. We don't even have to talk. We don't have to even kiss anymore. I just want to be near you, okay, Mac? Mac?"
Mac leaned her head back. "Okay." They were both shaky as Harm started to lead her to the couch again.
"Harm?" She froze in place.
Harm stopped and turned around. "Yeah, Mac?"
"Did you mean it?" She bit her lip, nervously waiting for his answer.
Harm once again walked back toward her. His big hand caressed her hair, her face, his thumb teased her lip. "Yes, I did, Sarah. Did you?"
She nodded. "Yes. I did mean it. I love you, Harm."
And then he gave her his most brilliant flyboy grin. But it wasn't just any grin. There was something there that was just for her. It spoke to her of his love, his hopes for the future. She could have sworn she saw her future children in his smile, his eyes. Those beautiful lips of his began to move as he poured out his heart to her.
"I love you too, Mac. I love you. Always have. But I—I'm a—I was a coward." He took both her hands in his and his expression grew pleading. "Mac, don't. Don't marry Brumby. Marry me. Stay with me."
Mac's mouth dropped open. Did he just propose?
"Oh, Mac…I'm sorry…I got ahead of myself. That's not a proposal…or it is, because I can't imagine anyone else being my wife, but I promise I'll ask you properly. You set the pace here, sweetheart. I know we both have…things…we need to take care of…our…them. But…this is it for me, Mac. I know we haven't told them about us, but you need to know, as of this moment, Rene and I are over."
Mac held up her now bare left hand. "So are Mic and I."
Harm lifted one of her hands to his cheek before turning to press a kiss into her palm. His stormy blue-green eyes were suspiciously wet, and with one blink, the tears escaped and two slid down his cheeks. Mac brushed them aside, standing up on her tiptoes to kiss each cheek before finding his lips again. This kiss was slow, sensual, and liquid warmth burned between her thighs. "I love you, Sarah," Harm breathed into her mouth.
"And I love you, Harm," she whispered back.
Harm's long fingers then found their way to her face. They traced a path over her eyes, her nose, her cheeks. His thumb teased her lips before he bent forward and nipped at them with his own. He rested his palms on either side of her face, letting his fingers trace the rims of her ears. She closed her eyes, her desire and love for him sluicing through her veins.
"Maaaac," he groaned as his lips followed his fingers. Mac's pulse sped up and she thought her legs might give out on her. She'd read about such a phenomenon in various cheap romance novels, had scoffed at it, but here she was, living that cliché for the first time in her life. Nothing on earth felt like having Harm's lips on her.
"Oh, Harm…I didn't think…I didn't know anything could feel like this."
"Neither did I, my love," he said against her mouth. "Neither did I."
"Harm…I don't want to wait. I don't want you to just hold me. I want you to make love to me. Please, Harm." She was nearly begging, but she didn't care.
"Sarah, Sarah, Sarah…I don't want to wait either. We've already waited four years."
"We have…and Harm, I don't think I'd survive if I—I didn't feel you…inside me. I need you. Now. Please…" She was begging now.
But she didn't have to. She could tell by the way his arousal pressed against her stomach, the way his pupils dilated, the way his touch grew more fevered. He looked down at her, his eyes blazing with passion. "You're sure, Sarah?"
She was never more sure of anything in her life. "Yes, Harm. Make love to me."
With that, he lifted her up in his arms and carried her into the bedroom.
Harm set Mac's flushed body on top of the bed before he joined her. He climbed above her, his knees on either side of her hips. He lowered his face down to hers, kissing her lips before nipping and kissing his way down to her neck. He swirled his tongue around the hollow of it, gently sucking it before raising himself back up. "Your heart…it's racing. I can see your pulse…here." He touched the dip in between her two collar bones.
"So is yours." She, too, touched the hollow of his throat, lightly caressing the point where his pulse beat.
He grinned. "Oh, Mac…you've been doing this to me since I met you in a rose garden." He kissed her again.
"I have?" she asked, shyly.
He drew back and gently tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "Sweetheart…we can talk later about what an idiot I've been…why I haven't done anything about us until now…but from the moment I shook your hand and the admiral told us not to get too comfortable…there was something…"
Harm kept talking, but his hands never stopped moving over her. "Remember that time in Colombia…I let your marine go with you…I thought for a moment you were going to kiss me…after that I kept dreaming about what would have happened if you did. When you slept in my arms when we were on the run from the poachers…I almost kissed you. I was kissing you on the docks the night I went after Diane's killer. Yeah, it started out as a goodbye to her, but I realized I didn't want to break the kiss because she'd never kissed me like that.
"When you stayed over to protect me from Palmer…it was all I could do not to pick you up and carry you to my bed. In Sydney…well, that's a talk for a different time, but I should have explained what I meant. And Russia…both times, you saved me. The first time I wanted to make love to you as soon as I saw you in that nightgown. And yes, Mac, I do mean 'make love.' I loved you then, even though my brain wouldn't acknowledge it. I loved you when we stood on the front steps of JAG promising to make a baby together. I loved you when we held Little AJ during his christening. Like I said, we can talk about my shortcomings at a later time, and we should talk about them, but yes, Mac. I've always loved you. And I want to show you how much."
Mac felt the tears forming again. "Harm…I've always loved you too. All those times…I wanted so much more. We do have to talk about a lot, but you're right. We'll have time for that later. Just love me, Harm. Love me."
"I will, Sarah…forever."
He kissed her once more, then he started to remove her clothes. The ache between her thighs intensified as his fingers brushed over her breasts as he lowered the zipper of her hoodie. She sat up so he could slide it off her arms. Her t-shirt was next; his thumbs sliding over the sides of her breasts as he pulled it up over her head. Her bra was innocently white and lacy, but his groan as he thumbed her nipples through the fabric covering them told her he found it sexy. His lips followed his thumbs, circling around the nipples that were now taut against the lace. He suckled from them, nipped at them, all while Mac writhed under his touch. "More, Harm," she demanded, and in one quick move he had her bra unclasped, releasing her heavy breasts, freeing her hardened nipples.
Harm looked upon them with awe. "My god, Sarah…you're so beautiful," he breathed, reaching out to cup each breast in his hands. He lifted them slightly as he teased her nipples with his thumb, gently squeezing them as she gasped with pleasure. But, ohhh, what his tongue could do. It swirled around first one nipple, then the other. Her breasts had always been sensitive, and she could almost come from just their stimulation. Harm kissed, licked, suckled, nipped at them even, and she arched her back into him. Her hand dropped down to rest over her core, and she rubbed the heal of her hand against herself.
Harm looked down between them, and, seeing her hand stroking over her still-clothed mound, he pushed her back down to the bed. His deft fingers found the button of her jeans and released it. Slowly, ever so slowly, he lowered the zipper, exposing her matching white lacy panties. He hooked his fingers in the waistband of her jeans and pulled them down over her long legs. Soon they lay discarded on the floor, and then his hands were working their way up her legs. She bucked against him when he reached her center. He ran his finger over her sex through her panties, causing her to writhe under his touch. She gasped when he swept the crotch of her panties aside, sliding his finger through her folds and dipping it into her. He looked up at her through his lashes, the passion obvious in his eyes. "Maaaac," he groaned as she whimpered at his touch. "You're already so wet…" His finger stroked through her sex again and she cried out, biting her lip to keep herself from screaming outright. "And for me…" He seemed awed by that, and it seemed he couldn't resist a taste. He lowered his face between her legs, giving her a lick that caused her to rock her hips back and forth. Harm finally let her panties fall back into place, but no sooner had he done that than he pulled them off her legs as well.
Finally, she was completely bare before him. His eyes traveled over her body, starting at the top and working his way down. He was staring at her, reverently she thought, and she flushed under his frank gaze.
"Harm," she whispered, her voice ragged. "I want to see you too. But I don't think I can—" The truth was she was so aroused that she didn't think she could make her muscles do what she wanted them to. "Please, Harm…can you…" She grabbed his hand and placed it over the buttons of his shirt, the same shirt he was wearing the night before when they'd let their passion get the best of them. Harm nodded, understanding her meaning. Soon he was lying naked before her as well.
He was beautiful.
From his well-muscled chest with just the right amount of hair, to his six-pack abs, to his erect manhood that was more magnificent in reality than it was in her fantasies, he was simply and utterly beautiful. "Oh, Harm," she breathed, biting her lip as she gazed unabashedly at his naked form. To her surprise, Harm actually blushed; he actually looked shy underneath the cocky grin he couldn't quite muster up completely.
Mac needed to touch. Her hand tentatively reached toward him, pausing when it was halfway between them. She didn't know why she hesitated; it wasn't like she'd never touched a naked man before, and it wasn't like she was a blushing virgin…but she felt like one. This was Harm. This was the man she'd longed for ever since she'd pulled him into a helicopter over the Arizona desert. She knew without a doubt that this would be her last first time and it was overwhelming.
Finally, she let her fingertips graze over his shoulder, and, feeling incredibly shy herself, promptly drew her hand back. Harm, however, caught it in his own, pulling it to him and pressing it to his chest, right over his heart. "I want you to touch me, Mac." He moved her hand down his chest, showing her what he wanted.
Her chocolate amber eyes met his, and they looked nearly black in the faint glow from the bedside lamp. He nodded. "Please, Sarah," he gently pleaded. "Touch me."
Never breaking eye contact, she began to slide her hand over his pecs, threading her fingers through his chest hair before running her hand down over his perfect abs. Feeling bolder, she dropped her hand lower, her fingers teasing the hairs above his cock. She felt a thrill zing through her core as he gasped, closing his eyes while he bit his lower lip.
Her hand continued its journey, sliding over his hip and down over his backside, frowning when she felt the knotted flesh beneath her palm. Her eyes widened in question.
"The ramp strike…there were burns…shattered my pelvis…" he said softly.
Mac couldn't help the tears that formed in her eyes. "Oh, Harm…I had no idea it was so bad…"
Harm swallowed hard. "It was…I don't really like to talk about it…"
Mac quickly withdrew her hand. "I'm sorry, Harm. You're right…it's none of my business." She rolled away onto her back.
Harm was quick to follow. "No, no, Sarah. I meant that I don't talk about it so how could you know about it?" He shifted his body closer to her, entwining his fingers with hers and pulling her hand back to his hip. He urged her back on her side, nudging her legs apart so he could slide one of his in between. His other leg was thrown over her, and Mac continued her exploration of his body.
It was a heady feeling, being able to touch Harm like this. Her hand slipped over his toned, perfect six, coming back to knead the firm muscles of it, noting again more scarring. He pressed her more firmly against him, and, as she felt his hardened manhood against her, her core clenched with almost painful desire.
Harm decided it was his turn to touch…and taste. He rolled himself on top of her, capturing her lips in a fiery kiss, then working his way down her jaw, her neck…her breasts. His left hand grasped her right breast, his firm touch sending more shockwaves to her center. He lowered his mouth to the other breast, pulling her nipple in and swirling his tongue around it. He sucked harder, and she bucked against him, imagining him using his tongue on other places. "0h, god, Harm!" she cried out as he moved to her other breast. Her next cry was incoherent when he reached in between them and started massaging her sex. She unconsciously opened her legs further for him and soon she was writhing against him, wanting more of him than just a touch.
He didn't disappoint. She felt one, then two fingers penetrate her. He moved them in and out of her, first slowly then gradually faster. He moved up again, his hand at her core never stopping its ministrations. He covered her lips again, slipping his tongue inside her warm mouth, kissing her with all the pent-up passion of the last four years.
Mac was certainly not a passive participant. Her hands continued to map out his body, discovering she could make him moan with pleasure by stroking and cupping his testicles. She next stroked the length of his penis, letting her thumb brush over the tip. She felt the liquid already forming there and she hungered to have him inside of her.
Meanwhile, Harm was bringing her closer and closer to climax. His thumb found her clit and he teased it with just the right amount of pressure. She didn't want her first climax with him to be this way. She wanted him wholly inside her. She wanted to feel the length of him stretching her, wanted to feel him spend himself inside her while she came around him. She reached in between them and stilled his hand. "Harm, wait. I want—I want to come—with you inside me. Please, Harm. I need you inside me. I can't…oh god, Harm, I can't wait anymore!" She was begging again by now but as before, she didn't care. Her core burned with want, and there was only one thing, one person, who could quench her desire.
Harm stated deeply into her eyes as he withdrew his fingers from her. "Are you sure, Sarah?"
"Yes, Harm, please!"
She expected him to settle himself between her legs and enter her, but instead he pulled away from her, reaching for his wallet that he'd placed on the nightstand. She whimpered at the loss of contact. "I'm coming back, baby…just need to grab a condom…"
"Wait, Harm…tonight…I want to feel all of you. I-I'm clean…" She bit her lip, trying to gage his reaction to her request. "I've never…without one, before…"
Surprise etched itself on his face. "Never? Not even with— "
Mac reached up and put her fingers over his lips. "Don't. Don't say his name tonight. This is just you and me…and no, not even with him." Although he had certainly tried…
Harm nuzzled her cheek with his nose. "Okay, baby…and for what it's worth, I'm clean too."
Their lips met again in an almost gentle, loving kiss. He rolled himself completely on top of her then, and she opened her legs for him to settle between them. He teased her with his cock a few times, running the length of him through her slick folds before the tip of his penis was poised at her entrance. She lifted her hips toward him, urging him on, wanting this more than anything.
She looked up into his stormy green eyes, reading the question in them.
She nodded. "Please, Harm…"
He kissed her then, taking a moment to brush his knuckles over her cheek. She felt him pressing more firmly against her entrance, all the while keeping his eyes focused on her. She felt him slipping inside her, tenderness and care evident on his face. He stroked her cheek once more, giving her the softest of smiles. "I love you, Sarah Jane MacKenzie."
With that he slid completely home, pausing to let her stretch to accommodate his rather impressive length. He filled her so well, and she couldn't believe they'd denied themselves this exquisite pleasure for so long. "Oh, Harm…"
"Is this okay?"
She was touched by his care and concern, had always instinctively known that he'd be a sensitive lover. "Harm…it's…I've never…oh, Harm, this is wonderful." She placed her hands on either side of his face, leaning up to kiss him. "And Harm…I love you too."
Mac wrapped her legs around him, pressing up to encourage him to move. It was all he needed. Slowly, oh, so slowly, he began to thrust inside her. His movements were deep, languid; they had all the time in the world. As he moved in and out of her, he slid his hand up her arm, entwining their hands together. His kisses were passionate, and the words he spoke were words of love.
"Sarah, Sarah, Sarah…Do you know…how…much I love you? I love your smile, your laugh…I love how…you…take care…of me. I love how your… eyes light…up when…you see….a beautiful…pair of shoes. I love…how…you cry…at that Hallmark…commercial every…Christmas…and you…think I…can't see it. I…love…watching you…with our godson…and…I can't…wait…to see you…with our babies. I…love…you…so…much."
His words were punctuated by his kisses and thrusts, Mac's whimpers of pleasure filling the room as well. Nothing had ever felt this good, this right, and if she died now, she'd at least die happy. Of course, she didn't want to die…she wanted a life with Harm, wanted his babies; it was what she'd always wanted but feared she'd never have. Now that she had it, she never wanted to let go of it. She wrapped her legs around him more firmly, losing herself in another searing kiss.
The minutes ticked by and Mac grew almost crazy with the need for release. Harm's loving was thorough, and she could tell his body was crying out for release as well. He had begun to move faster, his thrusts deeper, and she could feel the strain of him holding back.
"Harm," she whispered. "Harm…"
"Yeah, baby?" He choked out.
She took his face in gently in her hands again, waiting until his eyes were completely focused on her. "Let it go."
They held each other's gaze for an eternity before he nodded. Their love-making grew even more passionate, more intense. She nearly came off the bed when Harm reached in between them, seeking out that certain bundle of nerves at her center. His fingers pressed into it, circled it, and Mac's whimpers became cries of passion. She was so, so close and when Harm came with the next thrust, she came too. She felt each wave as he emptied himself inside her while her own body was wracked with the tremors of her orgasm, the most intense orgasm she'd ever had.
Mac didn't have to ask herself why it was the most intense orgasm of her life. She knew full well what made the difference—love. Perhaps it was sad to realize that she'd not experienced this kind of love in any of her previous relationships; oh, she loved a few of them, but it was now abundantly clear to her that she'd never been in love with any of them.
She'd never been in love before Harm.
She'd never been made love to before Harm.
It all hit her at once and, with Harm still inside her, she started to sob. He started to move away from her, but she clamped her legs around him like a vise. "No, don't go."
"Never, honey." He brushed her tears aside with his thumbs, following them with his kisses. "But, sweetheart…what's wrong?"
She had to chuckle at that. "Oh, so many things…but not this, Harm, not us. I've never…no one has ever…" She blushed, slightly embarrassed.
"No one has ever what, honey?" His voice was gentle.
She looked away from him. "No one has ever, ever made love to me, Harm. Just—just you." She blushed more furiously.
"Oh…"
This sweet man sounds so surprised, she thought to herself. It made this an all the more moving experience.
He finally slipped out of her, rolling them so she lay half on top of him. "Mac? Mac, look at me." She forced herself to meet his gaze again. "Mac…Sarah, I plan to spend the rest of my life making love to you, okay sweetheart? I love you. Forever."
Her tears fell again at that, but she smiled through them. She snuggled into him, resting her head on his chest and wrapping her arm around him. "I love you too, Harm. For always."
With contented sighs, the two lovers drifted off to sleep. It wasn't long, though, before the rays of the rising sun shone through the gaps in the curtains. It woke both of them, and they loved each other again until the late morning hours. Yes, there was pain ahead for them and their two previous partners, but Harm and Mac knew their love would prevail. There was simply no other way it could be.