Disclaimer: I own zilch! Except the lovely ideas that float about in my head and those I can't be 100% sure are entirely my own anyways.
Notes: I've wanted to dip my toes into the R&I writing world for a while now but I had to wait until the black vortex of doom that I call my final year of undergraduate school spit me back out. Thankfully, it did last week and after coming home from completing my last exam, I started writing. The idea came to me a while back when I did a season one rewatch and the wheels started churning on what would it have been like had Jane and Maura met at BCU had Jane accepted and gone. Set in present day so none of that late 70s-80s vibe for our gals. I hope you enjoy.
Summary: School's back but our ladies still make time for date night. It doesn't go as smoothly as either of them would have hoped.
A/N:I was originally going to split this chapter up in two because it's twice the length of what I usually upload but I was told by a reader to just "POST IT AAALLLL" and so I am acquiescing. I hope you will enjoy it and once again, thank you so much for all the reviews. I do so much appreciate them.
Chapter Twenty-One
Few days had remained between Maura and Jane's return from Marseille and the beginning of their winter semester. While Jane outwardly grumbled about having to return to classes, Maura knew better. She saw through Jane's exaggerated complaints and knew that in reality, Jane was excited for her new classes to begin. A new class was akin to a child receiving a new toy. At first, the toy was shiny and new; it quickly became the child's favourite. However, this exuberance towards the toy was always short-lived and within as little as a few weeks, the toy was pushed to the back of the child's mind. A new class' shelf life happened to be quite similar. Once the monotony of classes settled heavy on one's shoulders, the appeal of a new semester quickly wore away.
The exciting and shiny aspects of a new class were never lost on Maura though. Perhaps, it was because through her role of being a teacher's assistant for freshman classes, she could vicariously experience the excitement through the freshmen in whichever class she found herself assigned to. That meant, however, for the first week back to classes, Maura was swamped with preparing for tutorials, holding extra office hours for those students who just can't help but revert to panic mode and minding to her own school work as well. With some deep felt apologies, Maura had unceremoniously pushed Jane to the sidelines with the promise that she would be all Jane's come Friday evening.
Throughout the entire week, Maura kept referring to Friday evening as their date night which Jane found ridiculously adorable. They had agreed to meet at the library after Maura's last scheduled meeting. It was just as the student was packing up his things that Maura spotted Jane rounding the corner. The smile that spread across her lips at the sight of Jane was unstoppable. The student looked to where Maura's gaze was before looking back to her with a questioning look.
"Date night," Maura simply replied in an all too chipper tone.
He knowingly nodded slowly as he slung his backpack over his shoulder.
"Nice," he grinned before waving, "See you in class."
"Try to enjoy your weekend, Theo."
"You too," he threw over his shoulder as he crossed paths with Jane.
Maura started to put away her things as Jane placed a coffee cup down in front of her. Maura paused and looked up to Jane.
"Coffee?"
"Green tea," Jane indicated, pointing to the cup.
She leaned in and lightly placed a kiss to Maura's lips. Maura returned the gesture with a quick peck and a smile,
"Hi," Maura murmured as Jane straightened up.
"Hi," Jane replied.
Hazel pools remained locked on eddies the colour of coffee as Maura finished throwing the last of her things into her purse. She pulled her gaze away from Jane's, slipping into her coat as she stood up.
"Do tell, what are our plans for the evening?" Maura questioned before picking up and sipping her tea.
Jane shrugged as she zipped her jacket back up and smirked,
"Wouldn't you like to know?"
With a look Jane recognized all too well as the one that crossed Maura's face whenever she was attempting to figure out whether she was being serious or joking, Maura stated in a matter of fact way,
"Of course, it's why I asked."
Jane laughed, reaching out with her free hand to gently pat Maura's arm before relieving Maura of her book bag,
"Ugh, you can be so literal sometimes."
"I'm sorry?"
Jane shook her head, reaching out for Maura's free hand with her own.
"Don't apologize. It's one of the many quirks I love about you."
The words were out before she could mentally talk herself into using a different combination and even though the word 'about' stood sandwiched between the three others, Jane still stiffened momentarily as they hung in the air. She exhaled a breath she hadn't even noticed she was holding as she saw the blush creep across Maura's pale cheeks and how the blonde briefly averted her gaze.
The moments when Maura's guard was lowered and little physical signs like the crimson on her cheeks or the shift in her posture were few and far in between but Jane always took note of them. She cherished them as if they were the first and very last of their kind. These little tokens were surfacing more and more as time progressed and Jane liked to think that she was in part responsible and that made her tingle all over.
"So what class did they saddle you with this semester?" Jane mentally berated herself for that awkward attempt at shifting the conversation.
"Anatomy and pathophysiology," Maura beamed.
"Sounds…" Jane paused taking a moment to find the best word and to make an attempt at looking fascinated, "interesting."
Maura grimaced and playfully swatted at Jane's hand.
"The professor specifically requested to have me as his assistant. I couldn't decline that kind of offer."
Jane nodded before indulging Maura,
"I get anatomy but what's ahhh… pathophysiology?"
Maura smirked over the lip of her coffee cup as she took another sip of her tea, pulling Jane towards the exit at the same time. In instances like these, she knew that Jane wasn't truly interested in the topic at hand but merely showing an interest for her sake.
"Pathophysiology deals with the changes of normal mechanical, physiological, and biochemical functions which are either caused by a disease or are a result of an abnormal syndrome."
Maura took Jane's silence and blank look as a sign that her words had gone over her head and attempted to reword herself.
"Essentially, it's the meeting of two older disciplines. You have pathology on one hand and physiology on the other. Physiology studies healthy bodily functions. Pathology looks at the nature and causes of diseases."
"I'm following you so far," Jane encouraged.
"When something comes along and disrupts normal physiological processes, pathophysiology comes into play. Something pathophysiologists have looked at is the chemical changes that take place in body tissue due to inflammation."
"I think I get it," Jane nodded and Maura grinned.
"It was one of my favourite classes in my first year."
Jane squeezed Maura's hand gently as they stepped outside.
"You are so weird," she teased and Maura scrunched her nose in that adorable fashion Jane couldn't help but smirk at.
The cold January air bit at Jane's face as she inhaled sharply as they stepped out into the winter night. The air was crisp and the sun had already dipped below the skyline, plummeting the temperatures even lower. She involuntarily shivered and mentally prayed for snow. Despite disliking the white stuff the more it accumulated, it always seemed as though the days were milder whenever it snowed and she always did enjoy snowfalls. She just didn't enjoy having to get around the city with it around.
Maura took one last sip of her tea before discarding the cup in a nearby trash can. She pulled a pair of mittens out of her pockets and slipped them on. The bright stripped pattern caught Jane's eyes and she immediately exclaimed,
"Are those the mittens my mother knitted?"
Maura gazed down at her hands, wiggling her fingers inside the mittens with a childlike look on her face.
"The very ones."
"You don't have to wear them. You know that, right?"
The look of absolute shock that transformed Maura's delicate features was tantamount to one Jane would expect if she had posited that the small intestine wasn't the largest internal organ in the human body.
"Okay, okay! Wear the mittens," Jane conceded.
With a gentle tilt of her head, Maura looked over to Jane and asked,
"Seriously where are you taking me?"
A light sigh escaped Maura's lips as Jane shook her head. Jane led Maura to the passenger side of her car and unlocked the door.
"Have my surprises ever let you down?" she inquired, opening the door for Maura to get in. Once the blonde had settled herself, Jane handed back her book bag and closed the door. Jane hurried to the other side, hopping behind the wheel and quickly turning the keys in the ignition. Unlike Maura's newer model, her car took some time transitioning from a frozen block of metal to a relatively warmer frozen block of metal. Jane invested more of her money into the upkeep of her bike as she drove it more than the car.
"It is not that I do not trust you in putting together surprises. It's that I find myself unable to control my curiosity in these circumstances," Maura explained as she twisted to place her book bag in the back seat as Jane busied herself with the heat knobs.
Jane nodded slowly as she made her way out of the parking lot and onto the street.
"Mmmhmm, nice save," she mumbled looking to Maura quickly before focusing on the traffic light.
"It's the truth, Jane."
They continued on in this fashion throughout the entire drive. The surprised and joyful look that spread on Maura's face as they hit Chinatown was well worth keeping their destination a secret. At that very moment, nothing could give Jane more joy than the shimmer in Maura's eyes. She loved surprising her.
Jane drove about looking for a parking space and after several minutes, she eventually found one. After stepping out of the car, and coming together on the sidewalk, Maura ventured a guess.
"Sushi?"
With an attempt to muster her most convincing tone of voice, Jane denied any such dinner plans even though Maura had this annoying way of constantly being able to guess her surprises.
"No, not sushi."
Maura puffed out a breath that materialized in the cold air in front of her as she pouted. She was playing along at this point. She had a strong feeling that they were indeed going for sushi and that made her happy considering how Jane always suggested something else whenever Maura brought up the possibility. They veered right at the next intersection and Jane gently tugged Maura to stop in front of their destination.
"It is sushi, you sneak!" Maura looked up at the signage and cracked a smile, "I knew it."
Jane gasped before pulling Maura inside, the cold was beginning to chill her to the bone.
"You did not," she teased in a sing-song voice.
Maura watched as Jane tentatively prodded a Philly roll with her chopsticks.
"Just try it. You'll like it," she encouraged after sipping her sake.
Jane flipped it over before asking,
"What's in it?"
"It varies. This one looks to have…" Maura leaned in to inspect it before continuing, "Salmon, cucumber and cream cheese. Just try it, please."
Maura picked it up and waved it in front of Jane's face until the other leaned in and ate the roll. Their entire dinner had been a constant parade of questions from Jane and patient answers from Maura. Maura laughed at the surprised look on Jane's face.
"Good, right?"
Jane enthusiastically nodded as she finished off the roll.
"Surprisingly!"
Maura playfully jabbed at Jane's wrist with her chopsticks before eating a shrimp tempura roll. She pushed a different kind towards Jane. The brunette eyed the roll suspiciously to keep up appearances before trying it. She wasn't about to let Maura revel in the fact that she had been right all along and that she actually liked all the rolls Maura had ordered for them.
"Was that spicy tuna?" Jane asked, sipping some water.
"I think so."
"You think?" Jane reached for the last one but stopped herself mid motion. "Did you want the last one?"
Maura shook her head and waved for Jane to go ahead. She happily picked up the last roll, not caring at this point what kind it was and finished off their order. As Jane nursed her sake, Maura gingerly reached for the menu and scanned the dessert options. It was only when their dessert arrived that Jane looked at Maura incredulously,
"Ice cream, Maur? It's below zero out there and you ordered us ice cream?"
Maura nonchalantly shrugged her shoulders as she dug into the bowl of ice cream between them.
"It's red bean ice cream. It's a must. Besides, they say the best thing to eat when you are cold is something cold. It regulates your internal body temperature so that the difference between the surface of your body and that outside isn't as great. And we can always go for coffee afterwards."
Jane grumbled at Maura's rational thinking and dived into the ice cream with her spoon.
"And what if I don't want to go for coffee afterwards?" she smartly asked even though she was fully willing and up for a warm cup of coffee. Maura scooped out another bite of ice cream as she cocked an eyebrow skyward.
"You don't?" her voice shot up in surprise.
Jane registered the pang of hurt that flashed across Maura's face as she posed the question.
"Oh my god, Maur," Jane reached out and took a hold of Maura's hand, "I was kidding!"
"I knew that," the blonde shot back defensively, turning her hand underneath Jane's so that their palms were touching.
A crooked smirk plastered itself on Jane's lips as she stared at Maura acting all frustrated from across the table. Despite outwardly attempting to be defensive, Jane always noted the little things that Maura would continue to do regardless. Maura's index finger was lazily tracing imaginary drawings on her palm as they finished off their ice cream. Before Maura even had the chance to even think about reaching for her purse, Jane excused herself from the table and disappeared. When she came back to the table, Jane pulled on her jacket, shrugging into it as she zipped the front up before moving to stand next to Maura, pulling her coat up from the back of her chair and holding it out in front of her for Maura to just slide into.
"You shouldn't have," Maura whispered over her shoulder as she stepped into her coat.
Jane pressed her cheek to Maura's from behind.
"Tell you what. You can pay for coffee," she teased, kissing Maura's cheek lightly as she stepped out from behind her.
Jane laughed at the exasperated look Maura shot her way.
"It's not the same, Jane," she sighed, buttoning her coat then picking up her purse.
"Ahhh, I wasn't finished. You can pay for coffee for a month."
Maura narrowed her eyes at Jane – a move which Jane reciprocated. When Jane saw the slightest hint of a smile tugging at the corners of Maura's lips, she couldn't suppress her own.
"Just because of that, we're going to that coffee shop you complain about but secretly love."
Maura gave a curt nod before turning around and heading towards the exit.
"Hey… wait," Jane exclaimed as she hurried after Maura.
"Café au lait? Why don't they just call it coffee with milk?" Jane sarcastically noted as they stood in line at the coffee shop.
Maura looked over to her left and fixed her gaze on Jane,
"It involves more than just coffee and milk. The coffee is prepared a certain way from espresso and the milk is steamed to a specific temperature. What would you like to drink?" she asked as they stepped forward in the queue. Jane shot the boards with the list of drinks one more glance before shrugging.
"What was it you had the last time we were here? I'll have that."
"A macchiato?" Maura asked to ensure they were on the same page.
"Mmhmm, sure, if that's what you had. I'm going to go grab us some seats, all right?"
For a Friday evening, Jane could not wrap her mind around how this little coffee shop was bustling with so many people. Didn't they have anything better to do on a Friday night? Then again, who was she to judge? Weren't she and Maura doing exactly what the rest of them were doing? Finding refuge from the biting winds and granting themselves a reprieve from the winter gloom. As Jane slipped past her in order to scout out seats, Maura sidestepped and moved forward to place their order.
"Good evening. What can I get started for you tonight?" the gentleman behind the cash register greeted Maura with a warm smile.
"Two macchiatos, please."
"We'll have those ready for you at the end of the bar," he continued to smile as he took her money, gathered her change and handed it back to her.
"Thank you," Maura took the change and dropped it into the tip jar before making her way over to the end of the bar to wait for their coffees. As she waited, she scanned the small area and spotted Jane. She had been able to secure them a small table near the frosted front windows. She observed Jane as she attempted to make herself comfortable in her seat then once settled, she crossed her legs and folded her hands into her lap with her eyes glued on the pedestrians walking by outside. Maura's attention was pulled back to the bar when their drinks were called. She was quick to pick up the cups and careful at making her way over to where Jane was seated.
"Here you go," Maura sat down and handed Jane her cup.
Jane jumped in her seat, startled by Maura's sudden presence across from her. She had been so absorbed in the coming and going of the individuals on the street that she hadn't even noticed when Maura had taken her seat.
"Thanks," she uttered, taking the cup from Maura and cradling it in both her hands. She lifted it to smell the sweet aroma before sipping it slowly. She had barely a moment to savor the delicious taste of the espresso blend when she took note of the puzzled look on Maura's face. Jane perked an eyebrow, questioning Maura silently as she took another sip.
"Jane?! Jane Rizzoli?"
Jane's eyes shot wide as her shoulders stiffened the moment she heard her name. Before she even turned around, she knew who the voice belonged to. She would give her left leg to not turn around and face the woman calling out her name.
Maura could only watch as Jane's face dropped. The brunette leaned forward to place her cup down on the table. Maura immediately recognized the forced smile that broke across Jane's lips before she turned around to face the other woman.
"Sophia!"
"I never expected to run into you at a place like this," Sophia exclaimed as she approached the duo. If the other woman had noticed Maura, she didn't let on right away. Her attention was solely focused on Jane.
Maura simply remained quiet and watched the exchange, taking note of Jane's body language. Despite the fact that Jane had remained seated, a position clearly expressing that she didn't wish to engage in any body contact, Sophia leaned down and pulled her into a hug – a very awkward hug.
"Well, it's one of Maura's favourite spots," Jane extricated herself from the hug and motioned to Maura who was in the middle of sipping her coffee.
"Oh, I'm sorry! I wasn't interrupting, was I?" Sophia asked.
Maura quickly laid her cup down on the table before standing up and reaching out to the other woman.
"You weren't interrupting. Maura Isles, nice to meet you," she looked to Sophia before glancing down to Jane for some kind of introduction but Jane simply frowned and shook her head. She didn't want Maura encouraging Sophia to stay any longer.
"Jane was never one for introductions. I'm Sophia Clarke," she chuckled as she shook Maura's hand.
Maura sat back down and an uncomfortable silence weaseled its way between them. She looked over to Jane again for some encouragement but Jane did nothing to cooperate. At that very moment, Jane wished she could disappear into the very chair she was sitting in. As if completely oblivious to the awkward tension, Sophia simply stood there, hovering above them.
"Jane and I used to date," she stated as if it were the morning weather report. This caused Jane to groan and bury her face into her hands.
"Oh, well that's nice," Maura mumbled against the lip of her cup as she took another sip. Jane choked back a laugh at what she knew was Maura's attempt at sarcasm. The shot went over Sophia's head and Jane was silently thankful for that.
With that information out in the open, Maura was unable to stop herself from dissecting the woman standing in front of her. She scrutinized every inch of her from her blonde dye job down the very minute scuffs on her boots. One thing was certain, it was starting to look as if Jane had a type. Maura couldn't be entirely sure, however, since Jane was so secretive about her past relationships.
After a minute more of awkward silence, Sophia seemed to finally clue in.
"I'll leave you two to your coffee. Have a good evening," she smiled and turned slightly towards Jane, "It was nice seeing you again."
Maura perked an eyebrow with her eyes locked on Sophia's back as the woman walked away from them. Jane let out a sigh of relief and straightened back up in her chair. Maura slowly dragged her gaze from Sophia's receding shape and settled her eyes on Jane. Jane reached forward for her coffee cup and froze halfway.
"What?" she shot at Maura, a little too defensively.
"Were you two serious or was it just a casual thing?" Maura persisted, pushing forward despite Jane's tone.
"Don't," Jane groaned, wrapping her fingers around her cup and leaning back into her chair.
Maura furrowed her brow, and dipped forward, resting her cup on her bent knee.
"Don't what, Jane? It's a simple question. You've never mentioned her or any of your past relationships as a matter of fact."
"Because I don't want to… They're not important. Can we not do this here?"
Maura breathed out heavily, leaning the extra distance to place her cup on the table.
"If not here, where? You'll somehow manage to talk your way into a different topic and by the time we've relocated, you'll have made your escape."
Jane tightly squeezed her eyes shut as she finished off her coffee and grumbled, returning the cup loudly down on the table top.
"You wouldn't understand," she tried to calm the bubbling frustration from surfacing in her voice.
"Why do you say that? Because you're the first person I've maintained a significant relationship with?"
"Yes!" Jane exclaimed, immediately wishing that she could retract her words upon seeing the look on Maura's face. Jane had slipped into that mindset that no matter what was said or done, she would still be in a foul mood. A mindset that she was always aware of but never stopped herself from entering regardless of who the target was. Her mother had always said she had a quick temper and a horrible disposition when angry and that God help the poor soul who stepped in her way. Jane expected Maura to lash back even though she knew it was quite unlike the blonde to do so. However, Maura simply breathed in deeply, closed her eyes for a moment before speaking calmly,
"You're upset. I understand but you're being irrational. Let's just go home and we can discuss this in private."
Jane chewed at the skin around her thumb nail as she studied Maura's face. For Maura's sake, she should try to pull herself out of this funk. It was like quicksand though. The more she fought it, the deeper she sank. Maura, of all people, didn't deserve to be at the end of this mood swing. Especially when taking into considering that it was Jane's own inability to cope with past relationships and to talk about them that got them into this situation.
"Fine," she gruffly agreed as she stood up and pulled on her jacket.
Maura stood in her kitchen with her back to Jane as she prepared herself a cup of tea. She was taking more time than usual in preparing her tea. It was a feeble attempt to grant herself some extra time to put together her thoughts. The drive from the café to her place had been filled with tension and unspoken words. The silence still hung about them gloomily as the only sound that reverberated in her loft was the soft clink of her spoon against her mug as she stirred in some sugar.
Jane breathed in deeply and sighed heavily as she sat impatiently on the couch. She had resumed chewing the corner of her thumb and had begun jiggling her leg up and down. Meaningful conversations were not her forte and she knew that was exactly what Maura wanted from her. She wasn't sure she would be able to deliver no matter how patient Maura was with her.
"It didn't end well," Jane broke the silence.
Maura discarded her spoon in the sink.
"That's an obvious deduction. You wouldn't be with me otherwise. You'd still be with her, no?"
She turned to face Jane but remained in the kitchen, looking across the expanse of it and her living room.
"Maura," Jane whined as she slowly lifted her eyes from the floor.
She looked over to the honey blonde leaning back against the kitchen counter, nursing a hot cup of tea. She didn't judge Maura for keeping a safe distance, if that was what she was doing. Maura feigned ignorance.
"What? It's the truth though, isn't it?"
This comment granted her a dramatic eye roll from Jane. In her opinion, Jane was purposely thwarting any of her attempts at a civilized conversation and she just wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake some sense into her. Instead, she calmly remained on the opposite side of her loft and sipped her tea.
Jane pushed back into the couch as she brought her hands up to her face and groaned. She would rather be forced to sit through her mother's rants about dish stains and recipe swapping than to be forced to talk about her exes. She also found it rather unfair that she had a past when it came to relationships and Maura didn't have much to contribute in that department. That small fact made trading one of her stories for one of Maura's quite difficult.
Not to mention that rehashing her break-up with Sophia would bring back a lot of unwanted emotions. There was no way of getting herself out of this situation now. She slowly pulled her hands down from her face and stared blankly at the ceiling.
"She ended it, all right? I was a complete mess for months. I purposely started skipping classes, I was a terror to my parents and my brothers. I was just god damn miserable to be around and now that I look back on how I reacted, it's rather embarrassing."
"We have no control over our emotions. What we can control is our outward reaction to them. It doesn't lessen what we feel inside though. You shouldn't be embarrassed. I'm sure the way you reacted was only normal," Maura soothed.
"We were together for almost three years… although, I'd say that the last year and a half wasn't all that enjoyable," Jane began, finding it easier to divulge this information if she didn't look at Maura. She didn't want to see the look on Maura's face as she explained any of this.
"She… ah…" Jane struggled with her words, not sure of the best way to express herself, "We were young when we first met. It was in the middle of my junior year and she was a sophomore. We started out as friends. Well, actually, she was friends with Frankie first. He's how we met."
Maura sipped her tea silently, allowing Jane to choose her words, and voice them carefully. Slowly, the pieces started to fall into place in her mind and she could begin putting them together to form a bigger picture.
"I ended up just kissing her one day and she freaked out at first. She actually didn't talk to me for like two weeks," she laughed a little at the memory as she continued, "Frankie was pissed. How was I supposed to know he was interested in her if he'd never told me?"
Jane finally lifted her head from the back of the couch and looked over to Maura who stood stoically still in the kitchen.
"She told me afterwards that she'd never envisioned herself with another girl but that she was willing to give it a try if I was patient with her," Jane chewed her bottom lip as that statement settled between them. Maura was becoming aware that the similarities between Sophia and her extended far beyond physical likeness.
"She didn't end the relationship because of…" she didn't dare finish and thankfully Jane cut in before she had the opportunity to.
"Oh, no, no. Although, I couldn't tell you if she's been with any other women since. I really haven't made it my goal to find out much about her since she ended things," Jane hurriedly explained before continuing,
"If I remember correctly, her exact words were 'I didn't know that being with you meant being with your entire family.' I guess the Rizzoli clan was too much for her to handle. She actually screamed it across my backyard during our annual summer Rizzoli BBQ..."
Maura delicately returned her cup to the counter top before slowly padding her way over to the living room and lowering herself onto the couch next to Jane.
"Jane…" she reached out, placing her hand lightly on Jane's knee. Jane stopped bouncing her foot up and down at the contact and looked over to Maura. She hadn't ever considered how important it was to embrace her past relationships. She'd always taken something from them but rarely ever revisited them. The main reason she had always avoided discussing them with anyone was because she feared in doing so that she'd have to admit to her own shortcomings and bring them out into the open. No matter what characteristic one may view as a flaw, Jane always felt as though to others her family was one of the biggest. She couldn't shake them. No matter what she did, where she went, they would always be there in one way or another. She loved and hated them at the same time. Her mother was meddlesome and constantly needed to know everyone's business. Her father was rather closed up and followed along with anything Angela said. Frankie was… well Frankie. He was essentially a younger male version of Jane. That left Tommy. Tommy was only ever around long enough to get himself in more trouble before disappear again. No matter how much they all tried to intervene, it seemed as though Tommy was a hopeless case.
"My family is quite a handful. I don't hold it against her for wanting to get as far away as possible. Heck, I've even wished it a few times," Jane sighed, feeling slightly defeated.
Maura gave Jane's knee a gentle squeeze before reaching out and taking Jane's hand.
"Did you not want to discuss this because you are afraid that I'll eventually come to the same conclusion?"
"Well, yeah," Jane scoffed as if it were absurd to suggest otherwise.
"Jane, I love your family. I don't know if it's because I grew up in such a radically different family environment but I adore everything about them from how your mother can't help but know everyone's business to how Frankie worships the ground you walk on but won't ever admit to it."
At Maura's words, Jane let out a laugh which immediately quieted when she registered the seriousness in Maura's gaze.
"You're serious?"
Jane felt her muscles relax, and her shoulders sag as her trepidation melted away under Maura's softening stare. How could she ever have been so wrapped up in herself to think that Maura would fall prey to her own fears if she voiced them? She mentally beat herself for allowing herself to play into her doubts.
"Of course, I'm serious. I would never sugarcoat the truth with nice words if I felt otherwise just to spare you. I would tell you if your family grated on my nerves."
"Too true," Jane mumbled, fighting a smile. She knew all too well that Maura definitely would not hold back if her family was actually too much for her to handle. Suddenly, Jane felt ridiculous for having allowed herself to sink into that pit of quicksand anger and for not being open to discussing any of this with Maura.
"I'm sorry," she began but was uncertain of what to follow up her apologize with. She pulled herself away from Maura and stood up, only to begin pacing in the middle of the living room.
"You know that there are some topics that I'm not so comfortable discussing… some more than others and I get defensive. I think it's partly because I'm frustrated with myself for not being able to talk so openly about them… especially you and I'm sorry about that. I'm trying," she rambled on as she continued to walk back and forth.
She turned on her heels and stumbled back when she just about walked right into Maura. The blonde reached out, wrapping her fingers around Jane's biceps firmly and steadying her.
"Jane… I know all of this and I'm still here. I don't expect you to change overnight just because I'm an open book and up for any conversation topic. Just like you don't expect me to suddenly stop being socially awkward and stop spouting random facts."
Jane reached out, resting her hands flatly atop Maura's shoulders before narrowing her eyes at her.
"Do you ever get mad?"
"Everyone gets mad, Jane. It's inevitable," Maura asserted confidently much to Jane's discontent.
"Not your kind of anger, Maur. You internalize everything, process it and react calmly. Don't you ever just lose control? I feel ridiculous whenever I flare up and talk or act impulsively. Sometimes, I'm even aware of how foul my mood has turned and I can't even pull myself out of it…"
Maura unconsciously licked her lips as she gave Jane's words some thought. Jane dropped her eyes to Maura's mouth as her pink tongue swiped across her lips. As Maura seemed to weigh her thoughts, Jane couldn't help but imagine just how ridiculous they must look at that very moment. They were both standing holding onto each other at arm's length in the middle of Maura's living room. Maura tilted her head to the side, her cheek lightly pressing against Jane's forearm.
"I don't think I have. Even my outbursts would be calculated… that can't be healthy, can it?" she looked to Jane with eyes wide as she picked her head up, loosened her grip on Jane's biceps and dropped her arms to her side. Jane immediately slid her hands from Maura's shoulders, down her arms and took Maura's hands in her own. She could see where this was going and it hadn't been her intention at all. She reassuringly squeezed Maura's fingers.
"Maura, it's fine. Forget that I brought it up."
How had the tables suddenly changed? Jane was now the one comforting Maura. Who was she to decide how one should react when angry? Who was she to dictate what was normal or not? She did imagine briefly what it would be like if Maura were to lose control as most did and that scenario scared her. She made a mental note to never push Maura to that point where logic and reasoning were tossed away.
"Any mental specialist would say that it's unhealthy to not have emotional tantrums of sorts. You know, it has something to do with not dealing with emotions properly… keeping them bottled up inside," she spoke rapidly, pulling her hands out from Jane's grasp and flailing them about in front of her. She had never given it much thought until now – the way in which she internalizes everything. It couldn't be normal.
"Maura!" Jane desperately reached out for Maura's hands, pulling them to her chest and holding them there.
"Stop it. There's nothing wrong with you. So you're a little neurotic at times, and deal with situations differently than others. But I don't care… you balance me out. When I'm being ridiculous and pessimistic no matter the reason, you bring me back down and highlight the positives. I'm a volcano constantly erupting and you're that calm bubbling volcano that nobody knows when it'll erupt but when it does, we'll just deal with it then. It'll be my turn to be the calm and collective one. You and me, okay? No need to start overanalyzing it now."
"I love you," Maura blurted out airily before she could stop herself.
Maura felt Jane tense as her hands gently tightened around hers. Those three words sent Jane reeling. She was uncertain whether she had heard Maura correctly. They had gone from talking about Jane's ex, to her family, to how they dealt with anger, to love confessions? What had just happened?
"What?" Jane asked, utterly baffled.
This was an opening, a chance to retract her words. Maura thought carefully. Did she want to take them back? Had she just said them hastily because she was overwhelmed by the warmth and sentiment in Jane's words? The words felt right rolling off her tongue but her rational mind was telling her it was too early, too soon in their relationship. How could she possibly know for sure that she loved Jane? She'd never professed such a thing to anyone. She'd only ever uttered those words with her parents and even then that was an act that children were socialized to do and rarely questioned it. A light giggle escaped her as the realization hit her that her words were sincere. She felt an incredible warmth bloom inside of her chest and heat flush her face as she smiled up at Jane and breathed in,
"I do. I really do. I love you."