She rolled her eyes. She hadn't really spoken to anyone from her family since they had heard the news. She didn't want to see anybody, not even her children, and least of all her brother in law.
All the stares, the questions... the need for her to say something, she couldn't bear it.
But now, after this dream and this horrible awakening, she felt lonely all of a sudden. And she was yearning for the company of her mother, a curious situation she started to regret as soon as the duchess had closed the door behind her.
"Darling, you look horrible!" she uttered in shock.
Helena didn't reply as she walked over to the table to pour herself a glass of water.
"Even though," her mother added staring at her cleavage, "your breasts... impressive! I really wonder how I could've missed this before."
"Mother! Don't the people miss you down in Oxford? I think it's time for you to go home."
"I will do no such thing. My daughter is having a baby and I will stay by her side."
"Oh, please! Don't act as if you care so much about my well-being. You care about the fact that I'm carrying the future king or queen, that's all."
"And so what? All the same... I must congratulate you, my dear! This is a move not even I would've been able to conceive."
Helena couldn't believe her ears. "Do you think this is all a scheme? Do you think I planned this?"
"This baby is our only chance to save the British crown from this disgrace of a drug addict without any sense of style."
"Mother, just to be very clear here," she was enraged, screaming, "I got pregnant about six weeks ago! The paternity scandal happened after. Simon's attack happened after, or do you seriously think I had sex with a comatose in order to get myself knocked up? I'm almost fifty years old for heaven's sake! How should I have known there's even the slightest chance of this happening to me? Jesus Christ, does nobody believe that I actually slept with my husband for no other motivation than that I loved him? Is this seriously so hard to believe for all of you?"
Alexandra was hardly ever at a loss for words, but witnessing this outburst of her daughter she decided to rather not answer this question.
Instead, she went over to Helena and sat down next to her on the bed. To her surprise, she let her. She just looked completely lost, helpless and desperate.
Carefully she thought about her next words. She didn't want to agitate her daughter even more. After all, she knew very well that any more stress was poison in her current situation.
She tried to sound calm and warm as best she could when she asked: "Aren't you happy about this at all? Aren't you looking forward to having another baby? I mean... despite everything?"
"Despite everything? How could I forget about this? Ever? It's not right... It's just not right. When the doctor told me, my first reaction was looking for Simon. I had to tell him, you know... But then I remembered," she swallowed hard as her thoughts traveled back to that hotel suite in New York, overlooking Central Park. So real! So brutal.
"I feel horrible. My body is revolting. It's simply against nature, I can feel that every second."
Her mother scoffed: "Helena, please! It happened anyway, didn't it? And it's the best that could've happened to you. To all of us."
As she turned her head to look at her, Alexandra could see the tears in her daughter's eyes, how upset she really was.
"I have a dead man's child growing inside me, mother. Do you have any idea what that feels like? It's not like the father just left me. He is dead. He is never coming back. He will never hold his child in his arms. It's not right!" she sighed, leaned forward and through the veil of her tears stared at the floor, "I miss him with every breath I take, and this baby will always remind me of him. The wounds will never heal."
Alexandra understood what her daughter was saying, and she felt for her. But this destructive attitude had to stop! She grabbed her hand and pressed it tight.
"Helena, look at me!" She did, and her mother continued: "You have to stop this, do you hear me! You know how self-pity disgusts me. What good will all this whining do, huh? Will it bring him back to you? I don't think so. You have to stop hiding in your room, deal with what you've been given and make the best out of it, and you've been given an amazing opportunity here! You know how the people love royal babies. Especially in this situation, after the paternity scandal, after all that happened. You will be more popular, more loved than ever! And no one will talk about a referendum anymore. This baby will save us all! And you, my dear...," she gave her daughter a warm smile, "You may not feel great now, you may not even look great. But you're glowing, Helena. Even though... that may still be the fever. But you will look gorgeous during this pregnancy. So beautiful and vulnerable and full of love. You will be a goddess! The goddess you were born to be."
Helena could not reciprocate her mother's smile, despite all the feigned nice words. Coldly, she replied: "How long after I lost this baby will you still be here, mother? When all of this is over? When everything is lost? And you're not the queen's mother anymore, nor the king's or queen's grandmother? Just a someone who once was?"
She continued to smile. "But of course, I will always be there for you, darling!"
Helena got up from the bed, wrapped her bed robe a little tighter around her body and declared with a stern voice: "I want you to leave! I cannot have you around here anymore. Your words poison the air. If you really want to do everything you can to protect me and out future king or queen, then go away! And don't come back here before the baby is born."
Reluctantly, but so she did.