He's in love with this woman, come hell or high water, the moment their lips meet, he cannot deny the truth he's known for longer than he's cared to admit. It wasn't that he never loved Kathy, he had loved her deeply, fully but they were kids…they grew up, and out of each other, he wished he would have admitted that before.
Now, with her face in his hands, with their lips tangling softly, he can no longer deny that she's swimming in his veins and wrapped around every ventricle of his heart.
It's slower than he imagined, softer, like they're whispering sacred promises to each other, like they've kissed a thousand times before this moment and this just seals the fate they've accepted.
Until she pulls away from him, tears on her cheeks, her mouth slightly agape, "El" she whimpers and he wants to grab her, shake her, because she's looking at him like she's made the worst mistake of her life, and he's in fucking love with her.
She pulls away, "No, I can't, you can't, no"
His hand reaches out and she pushes past him, "Go, now, go, go, go" she's whispering at first but with every, 'go', her voice rises and he knows she needs to calm down.
"OKAY" he snaps, grabbing his jacket, and walking towards the door, stopping at it, turning to her, fighting back to tears that burn his eyelids, "This isn't over" he whispers, "Not by a long shot"
The door slams and he curses, kicks the wall in front of him and slumps down because all he knows now is that everything is slipping through his hands the harder he tries to hold on.
OoO
Her knees buck under her and she's not quite sure how she's still upright but she's clinging to the doorknob, too afraid to let it go because there's still a part of her that wants to rip it open and cry for him to come back.
She won't. She forces the oxygen into her legs, her body trembling and pushes herself to collapse on the couch. Her lungs are collapsing and her heart has been shattered in her chest, while she still tries to convince herself that pushing him away was the best for both of them.
Even if now it feels like she's gnawed off a limb to try and escape the one thing that has kept her breathing the last couple of months. Forcing her eyes shut, until she's seeing sparkles of stars that aren't real, she pushes the decorative pillow over her mouth because if she can't hear the sobs, she can pretend they're not there.
OoO
He's driving through the streets like a madman, unsure of whether he's coming or going, or where he's intending to fall when he finally collapses into nothing. When he pulls up in front of the house in Queens, he hits the steering wheel and fights back the bile that tingles in his throat.
The lights are on in the living room but he doesn't go in, just sits behind the wheel and wonders how he fucked everything up again. It isn't until the knock comes at his window that he's jarred from his pity party. To his surprise, it's not Kathy, but Maureen, who's opening his door, "You gonna sit out here all night?" she asks sliding into the passenger seat.
"Thinking about it"
"Something happen with Liv?"
Slowly he lets his gaze fall to his eldest child, long gone are the chubby baby cheeks, the toe head of hair now long and darker, her eyes less inquisitive and more knowing, "You tryna to read me counselor?" he asks, trying to bring an air of brevity to the car.
"Pshhh, I don't even have to try" she chides but stares at him, long after he's averted his eyes back to the empty street.
"I messed up big Mo" he tells her, fighting back the sob that dies in his throat, his Adam's apple bobbing with emotion, "I don't know how to stop messing up"
Her arms wrap around him slowly, their roles reversed in a way he wouldn't have known how to let that guard down before, and she hugs him tightly and pulls away from him, "What's that movie I made you watch say, the one you didn't realize had quite so many curse words or risqué scenes" she laughs.
"Love Story" he spits out, caught between a laugh and a grimace, "Your mom never let me live that down"
"Yeah well, I was 8" she says chuckling before answering her own question, "Love means never having to say you're sorry"
"That line is a piece of sh-"
"Because sometimes they already know how sorry you are"
OoO
When she wakes, it's cloudy, her eyes burning, the trickling down her throat, and when she sputters, it's crimson from her nose. Her hands clamp over nostrils, "Fuck fuck fuck" goes through her head, and she knows the phone is somewhere on the end table but her vision is clouded, and everything is muddled.
"Elliot" she manages to spurt out, "Elliot"
Until she remembers she sent him away and her hand moves to the table, swiping the pill bottles off and she's crouched over herself, blood dripping onto her pants, mixing with the frustrated tears that squeeze from her eyes.
She doesn't notice the door open, until he's crouched behind her, "Liv, Liv, talk to me"
"Hospital" is all she can whisper and his arms are around her and she buries her head in his neck, her blood marring his skin with sanguine warmth.
"I got you, don't worry, I got you" he says, his lips on the top of her head, kicking the door closed and rushing down the stairs.
When he says it, she manages to find some faith again.
OoO
Waiting in the lobby is gutting him, he's bleeding out on the floor and everyone is sitting there calm and collected while his world crumbles beneath him. He's pacing steps, mumbling boyhood prayers, fighting back the sobs that threaten to burst through his chest.
He wants to kick something, to bloody his hands and break knuckles on stucco because, this shouldn't be happening to her, she doesn't deserve this, not after everything she's been through…it's how he knows life isn't fair, and makes him question the God he's found solace in before.
The doctor walks out, "Detective Stabler"
"Yeah, yes, sorry" he says rushing towards her.
Her smile is calm, inviting, "She's a little dehydrated, no worse for the wear" she explains, "But her body is especially fragile and prone to infection right now. Now these infections are very common in chemotherapy patients and very treatable but because she was just in the hospital…I'm going to keep her, for at least a week. I've explain this to her, and she's not exactly happy about it but I'm the doctor" she says with a bemused smile.
It makes his guard lower slightly, "She's kinda stubborn"
"Yes well Mr. Stabler, lucky enough, my husband says the same thing about me"
OoO
Her knuckles are white as she squeezes the pillow in her fist, wishing she had the strength to tear it apart, get out some of that unbridled frustration. She was tired of being sick, tired of being stuck, tired of having to fight every goddamn day.
The door opens softly and she knows it's him before he announces himself and she wants to run, to push off of the bed, and create some distance between them…because all she needs right now is the strength of his hand in hers, and those cobalt eyes shining as he tells her that he's not leaving.
She shouldn't want that, she can't need that, it's going to end up dismantling her in the end.
"Hey" he whispers and she closes her eyes, hoping that she can feign asleep.
His footsteps don't' stop until they're right next to her, and she fights back the tingle that reverberates down her spine when he takes her hand, "You don't want to talk about this right now? That's okay, we won't talk…but I'm not leaving you Liv, you get that, I'm not going anywhere, no matter how hard you try to push me away" he whispers, his voice ragged, the exhaustion in every syllable mixed with determination….because they don't just give up on each other.