A/N: You guys don't even want to know how much grief I put SweeneyAnne, carolinagirl1275, and WhitlockWoman through over this chapter. Seriously, the amount of hand holding they had to do was ridiculous. They deserve some major thanks here, because without them I probably never would have managed to get this chapter together.
I have the feeling that there was something else I wanted to say...but I can't remember what it is. Oh well.
And a belated thanks to Balti K for pointing out that Spanish phrase I totally forgot was in here...and fixing it for me. :-)
Don't own Twilight.
~-~- Chapter 21 -~-~
For so many months it had felt like time was just creeping by; each pass of the sun overhead seemed to take years, it felt like I'd been living on this ranch for decades. The moment this battle with Victoria became inevitable, time started slipping right through my fingers; before I knew it two days had passed, and I honestly couldn't have said what I'd done with them.
My mind had been racing the past forty-eight hours, the prospect of having to prove myself not only to Peter, but also to Jasper thundered in my head over and over. I wanted so badly for this to go well, to provide Jasper with some level of assurance that I could handle myself with Peter so he could focus on more important matters. He was getting better about it, he really was, but I hoped that if I could best Peter today it would be the last shove necessary to get Jasper back on top of his game.
My worry was compounded by the knowledge that yesterday afternoon my Dad had stood on a beach in La Push and married Sue Clearwater—but that was something I refused to dwell on. I couldn't change it, and I wouldn't want to anyway. What I needed to concentrate on was what was about to happen in this old field.
I'd thought long and hard about cheating during our little exhibition—Charlotte thought that Jasper was only going to be appeased if I won this match, and I agreed with her, to a point. The problem was that Peter had forbidden me to use my shield, and no matter that we weren't friends and I didn't really like him all that much, somewhere along the line I'd begun to trust him. I couldn't set back whatever lesson Peter was trying to teach me just to make Jasper feel better, because in the end what mattered was that we all survive this, not that we be perfectly happy until the battle came. As long as we won we'd have all the time in the world to be happy later, and that's what I needed to focus on because I was in this for the long haul.
I was going to play fair; Jasper would know if I didn't anyway. He'd know that I wasn't supposed to use my shield and I'd only done it to look good in front of him. Of course, I still really, really, wanted to win.
I made up my mind as I took my position across from Peter in the field Charlotte and I had used to practice in. Jasper and Charlotte were positioned behind the fence for some reason, and though I couldn't imagine how a few flimsy pieces of wood would do any good if Jasper decided to come barreling over, Charlotte had been insistent when we planned this out that that was where he needed to be. She was convinced that it would somehow remove him from the situation, and in the end I just didn't have it in me to argue with her.
I took a steadying breath and forced myself to remember what Peter had told me yesterday; I couldn't allow myself to become distracted by our audience. I had to push aside the little tingles that told me Jasper had his eyes on me and concentrate on what we were trying to accomplish here, and with one last deep breath Peter and I got started.
The only noise was that of our strikes whipping through the air, of the few hits that were landed now that we'd been training together for so long, and even though I was loathe to admit it I knew that I'd improved significantly since Peter took Charlotte's position as my instructor. He kept me focused, and he kept me in line, and I was a better fighter for it.
"Fuck, she's good," I heard Jasper mutter to Charlotte off to the side about twenty minutes in as I jumped to avoid Peter's kick.
"She's done well, but what else would you expect from Peter?"
"Don't reach so high," Jasper called out right after I made a swipe for Peter and missed, and the simple fact that he was participating at all made me smile.
My next hit met its mark, and when Peter stumbled a little I took advantage of his misstep to get behind him. It was the first time I'd ever managed to get my teeth at his neck.
"Nice," Peter complimented, reaching back to ruffle my hair, and for half a second I seriously considered actually biting him before realizing that really, this is what he'd wanted out of me this entire time and it wasn't like giving me a noogie was all that rude of him.
"Thanks."
"Wanna go again?"
"Only if I get to use my gift," I challenged.
"That so cute," Peter cooed. "You think you get to make up the rules. Are you able to do anything besides knock me back?"
I reluctantly shook my head, the only thing I was able to really do was push it out in front of me.
"Maybe you should work on that first," Peter said, before nodding at Jasper. "You wanna take that one?"
"Sure." The word was casual and short, but I was sure Jasper appreciated the opening.
"Take a couple of days then," Peter shrugged at me, "we'll pick back up once you've figured out how that gift of yours works."
I nodded, a little disoriented by his easy demeanor and made my way over toward Jasper. "Okay."
"Good job," Jasper said lowly, wrapping his fingers around the back of my neck and pulling me close enough to press a kiss to my lips. "I'm proud of you."
"Thanks," I smiled against his lips, not quite ready to relinquish the feel of his relief skirting over my face. That was all the reward I needed for this accomplishment, knowing that I'd finally managed to do something to make Jasper feel a little bit better about this whole thing.
"This calls for a celebration!" Charlotte's voice boomed over the space, and she ran to my side and pulled me away from Jasper to wrap me in a congratulatory hug. "I think we should break out that Wii Emmett and Rose sent."
"No! Absolutely not," Jasper growled, and I couldn't help but side with Charlotte. I just had to know what his dislike toward that game was all about.
"It's okay, sweetie," I said condescendingly as I pulled myself from Charlotte and moved back to his side, patting his hand. "I'll let you be on my team."
It only took a short run back to the house and Peter eagerly setting up the system while Charlotte bounced in her seat clutching all four controllers before I was so torn between hysterics and an incredibly pleasant smugness that I was barely even able to sit up straight.
Jasper hated this game. He sat perfectly upright and glared at the screen the entire time, continually muttering under his breath about the 'fucking happy music' and 'stupid ass bright colors' as he tried, and failed, to guide his character across the screen time and again. For some reason he just couldn't do it and he placed last in each of the four mini-games we played before he'd had enough.
"This is bullshit!" Jasper spat, trying to throw his controller on the coffee table only for it to rebound and smack his arm. I was so glad Charlotte had harassed all of us into putting the wrist bands on.
My amusement finally won out, and I almost felt bad for how hard I was laughing at the incensed expression on his face and his fumbling fingers as he tried to get the strap loose enough to slide over his hand before he'd apparently had enough of that, too and just snapped it. I couldn't believe it, cool, calm, and collected Jasper, who won everything, was seriously throwing a tantrum over a kid's video game.
"I am going to kill Emmett. I'm gonna rip him up into teeny tiny pieces and put him back together and fuckin' rip him to shreds again!" Jasper hissed as he stormed toward our bedroom and slammed the door.
"It's just a game, vaquero!" Peter yelled before turning off the Nintendo and leaning his head on top of Charlotte's. "Maybe he'll feel better if we crown him the reigning champion of sore losers."
"Probably," Charlotte snickered, and I let out a chuckle as well, because the truth was that it just might.
It was obvious that this game was one we'd never play again, Jasper would make sure of it, and instead of sitting around waiting for him to cool off I decided to run out for a quick hunt and a little time to myself.
It was still hard to believe, that everything I'd been waiting for since become a vampire was on the horizon, and while I'd come to terms with it a long time ago I still felt that maybe something so profound and life-altering deserved a little more contemplation. I went through it all again as I ran through the woods, trying to predict just how something like killing would change me—because I knew that there was no way I was going to walk away from it the same person.
I found the entire notion disturbing, not because I still wanted it, and not because I felt it was wrong—I was unsettled because a year ago I would never have even entertained the notion of ending a life, and I wasn't sure that my change in species was responsible for my thinking it now.
In so many ways it felt like I'd been pushed to this place. James had pushed when he broke my arm; Edward had pushed when he refused to let me be changed and when he left me in the woods. It was probably only a matter of time before I broke and started pushing back, and Victoria had been the one to nudge me over the edge. I thought that even if I had survived her attack as a human I still would have been out for her head.
As the house came into sight I quickly dismissed the negative thoughts running through my head; it was one thing to dwell on this when I was alone, but I was determined not to do it in front of Jasper. This was something we talked about enough, he already knew what I thought about it, and there was no sense in going over all of it again.
I ascended the back stairs, hoping that Jasper had gotten over his little snit and was amused to find him sitting on the couch, perfectly calm.
"What happened to the Nintendo?" I snickered, casting a glance over to the empty spot on the shelf where it had resided an hour ago.
"We don't have a Nintendo," Jasper shrugged, and I had to squeeze my eyes shut and spend thirty seconds containing my giggles.
"What happened to the one we used to have?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about." It was impressive, how certain and assuring his words were, and I thought that if he really tried hard enough he probably could have convinced me that the entire afternoon was simply a mass-hallucination, and we really never had witnessed that Jasper was just as sore of a loser as the rest of us.
"Whatever you say," I said, shaking my head and taking a seat next to him.
"Tell me more about your gift, how does it feel when you use it?" Jasper asked as he slung an arm around my shoulders and tugged me closer to his side.
"It's kind of hard to explain," I said, wrinkling my face, and wondering how we'd managed to never really talk about this before. "The first time it happened I thought it was kind of like a whirlwind, it was actually pretty easy to use once I realized it was there. After that, when Peter told me I had to keep it in I started thinking of it as more of a bubble. It's like...it's there, I can feel it if I try, all I have to do is push it out."
"Can you move it in just one direction?" Jasper asked curiously, and I shrugged.
"I have no idea."
"Let's try that first," he said, reaching down to dance his fingers along my side. "We'll start in the morning."
"Were you trying to tickle me?" I asked, raising an eyebrow in his direction.
"I was hoping it would work," Jasper frowned, and all the silent laughs I'd been trying to keep to myself ever since this morning came bubbling out.
"What brought that on?" I asked, and I could almost feel my eyes gleaming when I pieced it together. "Are you ticklish, Jasper?"
"No," he answered too quickly, and I found myself amazed for the thousandth time that he was able to vacillate between being such a skilled and horrible liar.
"Liar," I giggled, trying to get my hands close enough to his sides to test my theory only to be thwarted. Really, that was all the confirmation I needed, and I filed the information away to be used on a day he wasn't so defensive.
"Oh, just stop it," Jasper groused, batting my hands away one last time before catching my lips with his and ridding me of all thoughts except for one, and that singular notion was something that I continued to contemplate, even as Jasper's lips travelled the length of my body, all through the afternoon.
Emmett's call came late in the evening, the moment his name flashed across the display of Jasper's cell phone he stepped out on the deck and let out an earsplitting whistle before coming back inside and answering. "Hey, Peter and Char are on the way."
"Hello to you, too. How've you been doing?" Jasper's face darkened for a moment, and I waited for him to start ripping into Emmett about the presents he'd sent my way, but the outburst never came. It seemed Jasper was going to pretend the entire incident had never happened, and I figured there was no harm indulging him, for the moment.
"Well," Jasper answered, and a couple of seconds later Peter and Charlotte came bursting through the door.
"And how's my favorite newborn doing?" Emmett asked cheerfully, but even through the phone line I could hear the stress in his voice.
"Good, I finally managed to beat Peter today," I replied trying and failing to match his tone.
"What's the word Emmett?" Peter asked taking charge of the conversation, and stealing away the almost lighthearted moment I'd had with my brother. I still wasn't sure if I hated him or not for his ability to always keep my attention where it needed to be.
"We've been watching for a couple of days now—they go out in shifts, we've never seen all of them in camp, so it's not looking like we can ambush them."
"Do you have a solid count?" Jasper asked, and it seemed like he was finally starting to snap out of whatever had gotten him so turned around when it came to this matter.
'There were a couple of fights; they're down to twelve plus the two older ones and Victoria. I know you don't want to hear it, man, but this is probably a good time to strike."
"I agree," Peter nodded. "We should act before she has a chance to make more."
"It'd be easier if they were all in one place," Jasper said his words short and clipped. "If they're continually going out that gives us the advantage for the first strike, but then we have to keep an eye behind us, too."
"What if..." Charlotte spoke up, shooting a nervous glance in my direction before continuing. "What if we can lure her here?"
"We've been over this already," Jasper scowled, and Charlotte held up a hand and kept talking.
"I know you don't like it, but just listen for a minute. If we can somehow trick her into thinking she has the advantage, that she's going to come here and catch you unprepared, then that's going to improve our chances."
"You want me and Emmett to let her catch us," Rosalie stated. I hadn't even realized she was listening, and I was pretty impressed that she'd picked up on what Charlotte had been trying not to say so quickly.
"Something like that."
"If she captures us and we talk she'll consider the possibility that it's a trap, and if we just let her get wind of us she might send a scout to follow instead of picking up and giving chase," Rosalie said, sounding calm as death, and I couldn't quite figure out if she was angry with Charlotte for suggesting something so dangerous or trying to work through the idea to find something that might work.
"I was actually thinking more along of the lines of you approaching her," Charlotte admitted, and every head in the house swung around to stare wide-eyed at her. "If you go to Victoria and tell her that you know where Bella is and that you want her destroyed..."
"She'd still send a scout," Emmett interrupted.
"Who would not return, and then that'll be one less vamp to worry about later," Peter threw in. "It'd be one of the older ones, someone she deemed trustworthy enough to come back instead of fleeing, and it would confirm your story."
My eyes flickered over to Jasper who was sitting still as a statue; he wasn't even breathing, and I reached out my hand to cover his. "Jasper?"
"It could work," he finally said, and a slight shiver ran down my spine when I felt a flood of guilt roll off him. "Is this something you're willing to do?"
Whispers too quiet to separate into words sounded from the ear piece of Jasper's phone on the coffee table as we all sat in silence waiting for Emmett and Rosalie's verdict.
"I'll do it," Rosalie said firmly, with Emmett growling quietly in the background. "I can sell it, if she has any sense in her head she already knows I didn't want anything to do with hunting down her and James in Forks.
"I'll tell her I'm bartering Bella for my family's safety," Rosalie continued, and I had to wonder if this was something she'd ever actually considered doing, because she was just far too okay with all of this.
"When?" I asked, trying not to let on just how much I despised this plan of theirs.
"One week," Jasper decided. "Seth and Leah will be settled in; they can pick up some patrols and get some real practice."
I thought I just might be sick at that.
"And Bella," Peter added with a nod toward me that only increased the churning in my stomach.
"We'll call back on Thursday to solidify the plans," Rosalie responded firmly, and I just couldn't figure out why in the world she was so determined to do something so dangerous.
"Gimme a call sometime, Bells," Emmett chimed in. "I miss ya."
"I miss you, too, and I will," I said before the line disconnected, and I was left trying to absorb everything that had been decided on today.
"Are you okay, Bella?" Charlotte asked after a few moments of silence, and I let out a breath before shaking my head.
"I really don't like this."
"Why did you say anything?" she wondered, scooting closer to bump shoulders with me.
"Because if there's one thing I've learned in the past few months it's that Jasper is usually right when it comes to these kinds of things, Peter too. I trust them," I said glancing up at the two men as I spoke. "If they say this is the way to go, that this is how we're going to pull this off without anyone getting hurt then I believe them."
"This is our best option," Peter confirmed, nodding slightly in my direction.
"Then that's all there is. How are we going to know when they're coming?"
"We can track the GPS in Rosalie's cell phone if she's not able to check in, and if that doesn't work then we'll just use Alice," Peter responded, and it could have been my imagination, but he seemed just a little nicer.
"But Alice can't see us."
"She can see Rosalie, and when Rosalie vanishes then we'll know Victoria is coming," Jasper explained, his eyes ghosting over my features worriedly. I still couldn't figure out what his aversion was to calling her, but maybe that was a thought best left for another time.
"Looks like you and I are going to have to start putting some effort into our patrols," Peter frowned at Charlotte, and I wrinkled my brow in confusion.
"What patrols?" I asked, getting the distinct feeling that I'd completely missed something obvious.
"Seriously, chiquita, what do you think we're doing out in the woods every day?" Peter asked, rolling his eyes at me.
"I thought..." I couldn't really tell if Peter was amused or annoyed by my assumption, but one glance at Charlotte's face told me all I needed to know.
"We do that, too," she snickered as she stood and grabbed Peter's arm, heading toward the door. "In fact, I think we should go 'patrol' right now."
"Yes, ma'am," Peter drawled out, and in seconds they were gone again.
"Weirdos," I muttered, shaking my head in amusement.
"How are you doing with all of this?" Jasper asked, taking a seat next to me on the floor.
"Okay, I guess. Like I said, I don't have to like it, I trust you to know what our best move is."
"We can still talk about it, you know," he offered quietly, and I nodded my appreciation.
"You seem to be doing better," I commented instead. I really didn't want to think about this anymore today, but I also had the feeling that I'd be taking Jasper up on his offer to talk about these more solid plans in the near future.
"I am," he replied with a sharp nod. "I think...it just hit me all at once, you know? I was kind of hoping that Emmett wasn't going to find anything, and all that other shit had all built up to the point where it was gonna break me; then the second you and I get everything squared away he called..."
"Yeah," I sighed, leaning my head against his shoulder. "The timing really sucked."
"Exactly," Jasper said with a chuckle.
"Day after tomorrow we're going to have guests," I said after a beat, scooting a little bit closer to him and smiling when he shrugged my head off his shoulder and wrapped his arm around me.
"I can't wait to see the look on your face when you smell them."
"It can't be that bad."
"It really is," Jasper laughed.
"Are you excited?" I asked. "To see Leah again?"
"I think you have some serious misconceptions about the nature of my relationship with her," Jasper said, pressing a kiss to the top of my head.
"I may have before, but I don't anymore. She's me, and you're Peter."
Jasper tilted his head and turned to look at me with a barely concealed expression of surprise on his face. It was getting so much easier for me to read him, and I wondered if maybe it was because he was making that much less of an effort to hide.
"That's actually surprisingly accurate."
I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in his chest, taking a moment to just breathe in the smell of him and calm the nerves that magically appeared whenever we were ever alone together.
"These are going to be our last two nights alone in the house for a while, too," I pointed out. I'd been thinking about that all day, how all of a sudden we weren't going to have the house to ourselves every night anymore, and while I didn't really care what Seth and Leah thought of us, I also wanted our first time to be without an audience. Tonight was the night, I'd made up my mind hours ago, and if I was honest with myself all those nagging feelings of this just not being right had been alleviated over the course of the day.
"And what do you have planned for these last two nights alone?" Jasper asked, and I looked up to see a playful glint in his eyes. I should have known he'd catch on quick, we'd done little more than dance around this one thing in all the time we'd spent alone together for the past week.
"I dunno." I shrugged and stood as I spoke, trying to be coy though I didn't really know how, as I grabbed Jasper's arm and tugged so he'd do the same. "I'm sure we'll find something to do."
I turned and walked down the hall, knowing he would follow me, and stopped just inside the doorway of our bedroom. Sure enough I felt his arms wrap around me a moment later, and a hurricane of anticipation let loose within me. He moved his mouth along the line of my neck, kissing and nipping at my skin, and I threaded my fingers through his against my stomach and leaned into him.
"You sure about this? It's not something you can take back," he whispered, his breath ghosting over my nape. The simple feel of him was incredible, so much more intense than anything I could remember from my human life, and for a moment I wondered what this would have been like if I were still human. It didn't matter, regardless, and this way was better—Jasper wasn't going to have to worry about containing himself, and I wouldn't have to be concerned about how he was faring.
I leaned my head back against his shoulder, pressing an open mouth kiss against his jaw and closed my eyes as the thought completed; this was how it was supposed to be, it really was. All that pain and heartbreak was nothing more than stepping stones that led me here, and the only thing I could think of to describe this moment was that it was completely worth it.
"I'm sure."
I was nervous, butterflies fluttered through my stomach, but I had confidence too. Jasper and I had taken the time to get to know one another, and I was acquainted with the lines of his body. I knew just how to scrape my fingernails down his chest if I wanted him to growl and step up his game, and he knew the exact way I would soften my kisses and run my hands over his face if I needed him to slow down. We were ready.
Jasper nosed my loose hair out of the way and breathed against the nape of my neck, and I reached my arms up, wrapping them around his neck, holding him to me. My breath was already ragged, short and shallow. I wanted to breathe him in, to feel the traces of his scent bounce around in my lungs. His fingers slipped under the hem of the simple t-shirt I was wearing, the pads pressing gently against my stomach as he drew it over my head. I had to relinquish my hold on him for a moment, and spun around to face him.
I traced all the scars I could reach as I tugged his shirt out from his jeans and pulled it off, and Jasper let out a clipped chuckle.
"What?"
"Nothing, it's nothing," he answered, but he had a strange look in his eyes, and the soft repressed chuckles became full out laughter in seconds.
"What is so funny?" I hissed, jabbing him in the chest with my forefinger. I was completely flabbergasted by his abrupt change in demeanor, and more than a little furious with him.
"I'm sorry," he laughed, grabbing my wrist to keep me from poking him again. "I'm so sorry, it's not you. I just...I don't know what to do."
"Huh?" I gaped at him, so incredibly confused by what was happening. Sure, I had no experience with sex, but I was positive that this wasn't supposed to be part of it.
"It's different, with you," he explained, finally calming his laughter. "I don't have my gift, and it's never...it's never meant this much."
"It's not like I'm gonna know if it's terrible," I grumbled, rolling my eyes, but feeling myself softening toward him. It actually made me feel a lot more at ease to know that Jasper was nervous, too. "Just...don't laugh at me, okay?"
"I wasn't laughing at you," Jasper promised, leaning down to softly press his lips to mine twice before I took the initiative and threaded my fingers through the hair at his nape and deepened the kiss.
All humor and irritation was forgotten as we stood there for a moment, just touching, kissing. I knew Jasper wouldn't dare escalate the intensity, it was up to me. I walked backwards, just a step at a time, and he took steps too short for his frame to follow. I wanted to savor this...this wonderful feeling of completion and passion and be able to believe for however long I was granted that everything in the world was going to be okay, that we were exactly as we were supposed to be.
It was too soon and not quickly enough that my thighs touched the soft comforter of the high set bed. I wrapped my arms around Jasper's shoulders; again tracing the contours of scarred flesh left behind from another life as he lifted me and set me on the edge. I found myself breaking our kiss to take an unnecessary breath, wanting to smell him, to catalogue this moment with each of my senses so I could recall it again and again.
"Te quiero más que nada," he breathed into my ear, sending a shiver down my spine. The way the language rolled off his tongue, the emotion he put behind the words that wasn't always present when he spoke English...it seeped through my skin. I wanted more, needed more of him.
I leaned back, my legs hanging off the edge of the mattress and dangling above the floor, pulling him after me, and he braced his forearms on the mattress on either said of my head. In all my years I'd never felt so small and so very grown. His lips slid across my cheek back to my mouth, and I opened to him as I marveled at the knowledge that this was really about to happen.
I moved one of my legs to the outside of his thigh and he ground into me just a little bit, but it was enough to ignite a fire in the pit of my belly. His hands moved against my ribs, under my tits, down my arms and then back again. My fingers fumbled with the button and zipper of his jeans before his lips and tongue travelled south, and I pulled the leg still between his out so he was lying right against me. I lifted my feet to push down the legs of his pants, trying to pull the button-fly of my shorts open as I went. It was more difficult than I'd imagined it would be.
"Wanna give me some help here, cowboy?" I grunted, unable to concentrate on both tasks while he was doing that.
"My apologies, ma'am," he said with a smirk as he snaked his fingers through the belt loops of my shorts and pulled them down, standing upright for a moment to take them from around my knees, his jeans pooling on the floor a moment later.
I pulled him back against me, missing the familiarity of his weight, and I wrapped my legs around his hips, dug my heels into the backs of his thighs as his arms wrapped around me so he could lift me and position us better on the bed. Somewhere in the back of my mind the anticipation was rising to near panic levels, but I paid it no mind. I was scared, I was nervous, but that was to be expected. All that mattered was that I loved him, I trusted him, and I wanted to share this with him.
Jasper's lips met my skin again, and he slipped a hand under the waistband of my panties and with one press and flick of his fingers my head slammed back into the pillow, a long and deep moan sounding from the depths of my soul.
"If you want me to stop, all you have to do is say so, okay?" he breathed against my ear, and I nodded my head as I lifted my legs to allow him to pull the last remnants of fabric away from my body.
I sighed and turned slightly to brush my lips against his. "I love you."
He pressed into me, and for a moment it was okay...and then I felt myself begin to stretch against him. I couldn't describe the feeling, it was too much and I began to panic because it felt like he was ripping me to pieces.
Jasper halted his progress immediately, curling his arms undermine and pressing his chest to me. "It's okay," he said quietly in my ear. "I can stop if you want..."
"No!" I gasped, and I had to struggle to keep my breathing under control. "I just need a second. Shit, Jasper."
He chuckled quietly, and pressed forward just the slightest bit, and it wasn't so bad. I gulped the air into my lungs and nodded at him.
"Just, go slow. Please," I begged him and he slid further into me.
I felt like I was overflowing, like I was going to explode. He was inside me, and I'd never grasped what that meant until I actually felt it.
Jasper was sucking in air between his teeth, jaw clenched, eyes closed. I flexed my hips upwards experimentally and a rumble ran through his chest as he reciprocated. His hand gripped the back of my neck, pulling my face towards his and I was lost in the heat and intoxication of his kiss. I barely noticed when he pulled back and pushed in a little further.
I grasped his arm tightly when the next push came, and this time a sliver of pleasure came with the uncomfortable feeling of being too full.
Jasper moved his face so he could nuzzle my neck and I heard him moan, "Tu eres mi luz en la oscuridad," before taking a deep breath and finally seating himself within me.
I took a minute to catch my breath before I moved again; trying to tell him I was ready for more. On the third thrust something shifted, Jasper hit some spot deep inside of me and the 'too much' faded, replaced instantly by 'more'.
"Fuuuuck..." I groaned, because now this was starting to feel really good, and if it kept getting better soon I wasn't ever going to want him to stop. The muscles in my abdomen flexed, my legs squeezed his hips tighter, and my feet planted themselves on the mattress so I could thrust back.
My hand moved from his arm to the back of his head and I guided his mouth back to mine, needing to feel him everywhere. Jasper managed to get both of his hands wedged between us, the fingers of one brushing against my belly before he moved his thumb to rub small slow circles over my clit in just the right way.
He held his weight on the other side, his palm resting on the flesh directly over my dormant heart, "Mi corazón late en tu pecho," he said with his lips still against mine as shock waves spiraled out from where he touched me. My toes curled involuntarily, his name fell from my lips, and in a moment he was right there with me.
The world fell apart around us and spiraled out of control as everything he felt poured over my skin and seeped into my bones—and though I wasn't really trying, I was sure I'd never be able to come up with words that could describe this feeling. The waves calmed and subsided eventually, Jasper's lips touching mine lightly as we breathed deeply, exhaling across one another's faces. My brain was short circuited, my tongue unable to form words; the only thing I could do was keep breathing, keep inhaling his scent and praying this moment would never end. This is what all those books were talking about, what I'd longed for and had been looking for in all the wrong places. This closeness, this feeling of being one.
It took awhile to get my bearings again; Jasper's head was now lying next to mine on the pillow. He rubbed the tip of his nose lightly across my ear with his eyes closed, a soft vibration running through his chest. I turned my head into his and kissed his lips lightly and thought of everything I loved about him, everything he'd done for me. A slow, lazy smile spread across his face and he kissed the corner of my mouth just like he'd done the first day he'd told me he loved me before reaching an arm under me to pull my back to his chest.
Cuddling with Jasper was my new favorite thing in the world. With his arm slung over my side, lips kissing my neck, and fingers interlaced with mine it felt like there was nothing else in the entire world; there were no problems, no conflicts, just us. I could stay like this for years.
Something had changed in the past half hour or so, I could feel it in the way Jasper's hand held on to mine a little tighter than before, and the way he'd curled his other arm under me to press closer. I could almost hear the gears in his head turning, and I figured he was trying to find a way to talk about whatever it was that was on his mind, so I closed my eyes and waited for him to sort it out while I idly ran the fingers on my free hand up and down his arm.
"I'm scared," Jasper whispered against the skin on my neck after a few more minutes of silence. He could have elaborated, but he didn't, and there was no need to. Those two words held so much meaning; it was a confession of weakness, an offer to open up, and a plea all rolled into one. A little part of me wished that I didn't understand all the little pieces of those two simple words so well.
Jasper didn't do scared, he just didn't, and that was something that had kept him alive and safe for decades. It seemed that now that he had something to lose he didn't know how to handle it, didn't know how to find a balance within himself that would ensure he could keep hold of everything that was riding on this one encounter.
It was in that moment that I realized that I might have to choose between revenge and love—because killing Victoria myself meant Jasper suffered, and he couldn't function like he needed to. Peter was right, if he had to focus on me instead of the fight we were going to lose. It almost felt like I got a little piece of the old me back when I admitted just how easy this decision was to make.
"Will you kill her for me?" I asked quietly, and though the words stung a little as they rolled off my tongue, I knew this question was one that had to be asked.
"No," he whispered back, shaking his head and skimming his nose over my nape. "You're only asking because you think it's what I want, and I'm not interested in manipulating you into giving up your plans. You need to end this yourself, and no matter how much I don't like it I'm still going to support you in that."
Jasper kissed the blade of my shoulder and tightened his fingers around mine as he spoke, and my mind boggled at his response. I'd thought he'd jump at the opportunity, and even though I didn't particularly want him to, it was a concession I was willing to make for his sake. I supposed it was why were so good together. Despite all the hurdles; he let me work things out on my own, and he let me have that side of myself that sometimes had the need to sacrifice for others—but he never took it, never let me give him what I didn't want to.
"Then what do we do?" I asked, frowning a little. It was unacceptable to put him through all this stress; we had to find some way to compromise.
"I don't know. I just...I wish I didn't have to consider the possibility of losing you every time I think about this mess." His words held a tinge of bitterness to them, and it felt like another piece of the puzzle snapped into place.
"Do you think I'm not worried about that, too?" I asked, trying to keep my voice impassive but probably failing miserably.
Jasper shrugged his shoulder against mine, kissing a little higher, and I let out a sigh. I'd been so stupid not to realize that he might be bothered by my determination to keep it together when it came to the idea of the man I loved standing opposite a dozen hostile vampires, and now that I thought about it, my asking to pair up with Seth and not him couldn't have helped either.
"I'm scared, too. The thought of you against that many newborns...no matter how many people you have on your side; it's absolutely terrifying—but you say you can do it, and I believe you. No matter how much I want to be with you during this entire thing I know that they can't win without you, and in order for this to be over we have to make sure Victoria doesn't escape."
"It's odd," Jasper murmured with lips against my skin, "to be trusted."
"When you say things like that it makes my heart break just a little bit," I replied with a sad smile, raising the hand he grasped to my chest to lie over the spot where my heart used to beat. "How many can Peter take?"
"Probably three," Jasper answered, catching on to what I was asking. "Charlotte will get one or two, Leah...maybe two; she works better when she's paired with Seth. Emmett can get two, easy, possibly another, same for Rose. I'm not so sure about Alice, she relies on her gift too much to be an effective fighter without it."
"So even if you and Seth switched they might not be able to pull it off," I realized as I tallied up the numbers in my head.
"If they did they wouldn't come out of it unscathed, but I'm still almost tempted to risk it."
"How many could Edward take?" I asked, feeling awful because I knew calling Edward in would be nothing more than using him to gain an advantage, but it was something I was willing to do. I wasn't even sure if it was a trade-off that would work; the problems Edward might bring could completely counteract the peace of mind Jasper would gain from knowing that we'd be together during the fight—but Jasper's reaction would tell me if this was a horrible idea.
"He's pretty good," Jasper admitted tightly, hugging me a little bit closer. "He could get two or three, as long as his gift works around you."
"If we call him, if he comes here...are you going to hurt him?" I already knew the answer. Jasper was still furious with Edward over what had happened back in Forks, and he'd told me in no uncertain terms that a reunion with Edward would not be a happy one.
"Yes."
"If I asked you not to?"
"Then I will settle for making him as miserable as I possibly can," Jasper answered the sound of a tell-tale smirk in his voice.
"If anybody gets to hit him, it's me," I decided, choosing not to try and figure out exactly what Jasper meant by 'miserable'.
"Can I watch?" Jasper asked, shifting his weight and leaning over to relocate his slow and sporadic kisses to my jaw.
"What am I gonna get if I let you?" I asked playfully, turning onto my back and running my fingertips down the length of his torso.
"I'll let you play with those handcuffs you keep trying to hide in the back of your dresser," Jasper offered with a glint in his eye.
"How do you know about those?" I gaped, and I could have sworn I felt the heat of a blush rising in my cheeks.
"You never do the laundry," Jasper snickered.
"Because you always go through and re-fold everything!" I protested. It was a habit of his that annoyed the hell out of me. He had to have everything folded in just the right way, put in the drawers in the correct places, it was insane. After the first two loads I'd given up, and ever since then Jasper had been in charge of doing the wash.
"Not my fault that you fold 'em wrong," he teased back, and I rolled my eyes.
"You can watch if I decide to smack Edward around," I agreed, smiling a little because in all honesty those handcuffs had been taunting me ever since Emmett had sent them.
"Then I'll talk to Peter about it, and we'll give him a call," he breathed into my ear with dancing fingers over the curve of my hips. "Now shut up about that stupid boy, it's ruining the mood, and we've only got another twenty-eight hours left."
"Very true," I smiled, and I pushed on his shoulder to get him to roll onto his back, his arm still around my waist carrying me along. This was good, the teasing meant the dark part of the conversation was over, and I snuggled into his chest and ran my fingers along his ribs.
I was in heaven, I was sure of it, and a thought came to me less than a second before I asked it.
"Is this the green light?" I wondered, turning my head to see Jasper looking back at me blankly for a moment before the corners of his lips curled upward.
"How do you remember that?"
"That night meant a lot to me," I said with a soft smile in his direction. He'd told me before what that evening full of conflict and turmoil had been to him, but I'd never really told him how much I appreciated it.
"Well then, I don't know. The green light is the future, yeah?"
"I always thought it was optimism, happily ever after...that life you wish you had." That's what I wanted it to mean, anyway.
"How is that not the future?" Jasper challenged, and I shook my head at him.
"It's more complex than that, and you know it. Life...it's full of hope and heartbreak, love and comfort..."
"Car crashes and floating dead in swimming pools?" he asked playfully, and I laughed a little at him. He was baiting me, and I didn't mind at all.
"Do you think that's more or less tragic than a life of bloodlust and vengeance?"
"More, in the end Gatsby doesn't get the girl," he murmured.
"Very true," I commented, waiting for Jasper to continue his analysis.
"But he believed, and I think in the end that's what was important. He wanted to think that this bright and idealistic future could exist for him, even after everything that had happened."
"You don't get to be Gatsby," I protested half-heartedly. "If you're Gatsby that makes me Daisy, and I'd never be like that."
"No? You don't see the similarities?" he asked, his words becoming serious. "You were very nearly trapped in a relationship that could have wound up much like hers. What would have happened if Edward had turned you? We're mates, that's something that can't be changed or ignored, and though I'd like to think better of him, you and I both know that he'd never allow us to have any sort of relationship, friendly or otherwise."
I thought that he was probably right, I'd narrowly escaped a future I wouldn't have wanted in so many more ways than I'd assumed. Right then and there I changed my mind; my green light was Jasper.
"I thought we weren't talking anymore," I smirked, letting my legs fall to either side of his hips and raising my arms to his shoulders.
And this time there was no awkwardness, no laughter and no uncertain movements. There was only me and Jasper, and love skirting over my skin in the moonlight.
A/N: Chapter 22 will be out around this time next week, maybe during the weekend if I can get my act together. Let me know if you want a teaser :-)
The Spanish translates to "I love you more than anything," "You are my light in the dark," and "My heart beats in your chest." Yes, it really was that cheesy.