Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. I do own my OCs, this storyline, and my annual passes to Disney World.
A/N: Thanks as always to readingtime. Walt's Kingdom took on a whole new meaning for me now! Theme song for this chapter is "A Bad Goodbye" by Clint Black and Wynonna Judd.
Jasper's POV
Once Bella woke up, I hopped in the shower, hoping she would join me. She didn't. I found her downstairs absentmindedly gnawing on a Pop-Tart. When she saw me come in, she gave me a weak smile and a peck on the cheek before she went upstairs to get cleaned up. It took what seemed like forever for her to come back downstairs. She had a pair of brown leggings and a white sweater dress on, her hair pulled up on the sides but flowing in the back, with just some lip gloss and mascara on. If it weren't for the morose expression on her face and the feeling of defeat and resignation coming from her, she would have been radiant. Except, of course, for the ring, which was now back in place on her left ring finger. I struggled to hold back a growl, wanting nothing more than to turn those diamonds into dust.
Alice and Adrian walked in the door a few minutes later. Adrian had a package in his hand addressed to Bella. On the side, in Emmett's messy handwriting, it said "Do Not Open Until I Call!"
"It was sitting on the porch when we came in. Fed-Ex guy must have dropped it off," Adrian said. He sounded just as miserable as we all felt. Some birthday party this was going to be. I suddenly wished I could get drunk. Of course, with all the heavy emotions in the room, I felt like my head was spinning anyway. I really didn't know how much longer I could handle it. I forced a calming wave through the room, but everyone eyed me immediately.
"Sorry, guys, it's just a bit much to handle. I'm depressed enough as it is, you know?" They all nodded in understanding, but I didn't do it again. Part of me realized that, as miserable as we all were, part of us wanted to be miserable, to wallow a bit.
Carlisle and Esme showed up a short time later, with a couple of wrapped packages and forced smiles. They added nervousness and apprehension to the witches brew of emotions swirling around the room. Lovely. I was almost looking forward to Edward's irritating constant calm. Almost. Unfortunately, luck was not on my side on that front, either.
When Edward arrived, I noticed he had not brought Bella a gift. Odd. I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn't for him to show up empty handed. I searched for his calm front, almost desperate for tranquility in any form, but he seemed unable to hide his emotions. He was conflicted, anxious, and depressed beyond belief, none of which I expected.
Alice had seriously toned down the party from her original plans. There were no balloons, no streamers. She had picked up some lunch for Bella and Adrian, as well as a small ice cream cake that said "Happy Birthday Bella," with paper plates and plastic silverware. It was almost comical. We all sat around the living room and pretended to make small talk about anything and everything but the one thing that we were all thinking about.
The phone rang, and Bella answered it. "Happy Birthday to You! Happy Birthday to You! Happy Birthday Dear Bella, Happy Birthday to You!" Emmett sang. Bella did a pretty good job of sounding happy while they talked for a bit.
"Where are you guys?" Bella asked.
"Kenya. I had been tracking this rhino, I named him Spike. But Rosie won't let me eat him, something about them being endangered, I dunno. We're going to spend a couple more weeks here, and then we're going to take the next six months or so and tour Europe so Rose can go shopping."
"That sounds like fun!"
Emmett started laughing. "Yeah, maybe for her, but definitely not for me OR my wallet. Speaking of fun – did you get my package?" Emmett was chuckling under his breath. This was not going to be good.
"Um…yeah. It arrived this morning," Bella was so nervous about it. She eyed it as if it were a bomb and was chewing furiously on her lower lip.
"Well, go on! Open it already!"
Bella balanced the phone between her shoulder and her ear and carefully pulled the tape off the top of the brown box and looked inside. She shrieked and dropped the box on the floor. She was more embarrassed than I had ever felt her be, and was blushing blood red.
"I figured since you threw your other toy away, and I'm not there to offer you mine, you might appreciate a suitable substitute!" Emmett was laughing so hard it was lucky he didn't need oxygen. He'd have been snorting for air.
Adrian picked up the box and took out its contents. Inside was a rather large box with an explicit photo on it as well as a close up shot of a large, purple phallus shaped vibrator called a rabbit. Adrian burst out laughing and dropped it back into the shipping box.
"I can't believe I'm even asking this question, Emmett, but why exactly is it called a Rabbit?" Bella asked, a slight tone of disgust mixed with her abject humiliation.
"Did you notice that appendage in the front that looked a little like bunny ears? That's why it's called a Rabbit," Emmett answered, his voice as serious as a professor. "Those 'ears' vibrate and are positioned to directly stimulate…"
Bella blanched and Carlisle quickly intervened with a firm "That's enough, Emmett," to which Emmett just laughed even harder, but at least he didn't finish his sentence. Everyone found themselves joining in with the laughter, even Edward. I took a deep breath at the lightened emotions. Count on Emmett for a little comic relief when you needed it most.
"Geez. She's going to be a doctor, for goodness sakes, you'd think she'd be able to handle the word 'clitoris.'"
"Emmett!" Rosalie yelled in the background. He just chuckled some more.
"Sorry Bella, I couldn't resist. We do have a real present for you, but you'll have to wait until we see you in person for it, okay?"
"Okay, Emmett. I'll let you get back to your safari. Be nice to Spike." Carlisle held out his hand questioningly. "You got another minute? Carlisle wants to speak with you."
"Yeah, sure, Bells. Happy Birthday again! We love you, little sis."
"Love you too, Emm," Bella said before handing the phone off to Carlisle, who got Emmett up to speed on recent events. And just like that, the witches brew was back in full, bubbling, simmering force. I was starting to shake from the poison in it. Edward got up from his seat and walked over to me where I was leaning against the wall.
"Jasper, take my seat. You don't look so good." Edward's calm front was back and I looked at him quizzically. He gave me a weak smile and a shrug before taking me by the shoulder and leading me to the spot on the sofa he had previously occupied next to Adrian and Alice.
We all sang 'Happy Birthday' to Bella before she blew out the candles on her ice cream cake. It sounded more like 'Taps.' As the Dairy Queen ice cream cake defrosted, Alice decided it was time to open presents. Bella had already received mine, well, except for the one I couldn't give her now, so I stayed put where I was on the couch.
Carlisle and Esme went first. They bought her a top of the line PDA, already pre-loaded with all the latest medical journal programs. She thanked them profusely for it. Carlisle reminded her once again of how proud he was that she decided to follow in his footsteps.
"Say that again after I get past my first phlebotomy class," she said. We all knew that was the class that both she and Edward were avoiding until the last possible semester.
Alice and Adrian went next. They handed her two gifts. The first was a Scott Hummel cookbook, which she was genuinely thrilled about. Edward asked her if he could see it after she flipped through it. He seemed as excited about it as she was. I didn't need to think too much to figure out why. The other present was also a book. It was a first edition book simply titled Poems by Currer, Ellis, and Acton Bell, published in 1846. Bella looked up in awe, her hands shaking.
"Do you know those authors, Bella?" Alice asked innocently.
"Yes, these are the Brontë sisters. Currer was Charlotte, Ellis was Emily, and Acton was Anne." Alice smiled proudly.
"That's right. This book was written a year before Wuthering Heights." Bella set the book down as if it were made of the most delicate glass, and hugged Alice and Adrian with tears in her eyes.
"Wherever did you find it?" Bella asked.
"When I began researching my past after James' revelation, I found the house my parents lived in. This book was in the attic. I took it because I loved Brontë, and because I thought maybe, just maybe, my mother had held that book at one time. But as time went by and I learned more, the book didn't bring me the joy I thought it would, but I know it will bring joy to you, so now it's yours."
"I will cherish it always," Bella whispered reverently, and Alice nodded.
"Okay, let's go get you two some cake!" Alice said and jumped up out of her seat.
"Wait a minute," I asked. "What about Edward?"
Edward looked at Bella. "You didn't tell him?"
Bella swallowed hard, a tinge of panic coming through. "No, I guess I didn't. I was going to, but then everything got so crazy, it just slipped my mind."
"What's he talking about, Bella?" Edward's eyes darted between Bella and me.
"Edward already gave me my present on Monday, when I stayed at his place. He bought me a trip to Haworth for over Christmas break, to visit the home of the Brontë sisters, ironically enough." Bella looked at Alice, who smiled smugly and we all knew coincidence had nothing to do with it.
"By yourself?" My voice was caught in my throat, my hands unconsciously fisting.
"No, silly. He bought me two tickets, so I could bring whomever I wanted." Bella could see I was getting upset, and was trying to diffuse the situation.
"Oh. I see. And who are you planning on bringing?" I tried to sound casual, but doubted it was coming out that way.
Adrian interrupted her before she could answer, "Guys, don't you think we ought to worry about getting through the next couple of weeks before we start worrying about Christmas Break?" Adrian looked at Bella pointedly. "Come on Birthday Bells, let's go ingest two days' worth of fat grams." Bella followed him without another word.
I turned to Edward after everyone else had gone into the kitchen. "How much did you spend on that trip if you don't mind me asking?" I whispered.
"A lot less than a new motorcycle and a new pickup truck," he whispered back. "What's the big deal?"
"I just thought it was a little extravagant for someone to buy their friend, that's all."
"Since when has money ever been an issue with us? Besides, Bella is more than just a friend, Jasper. She's family. You know, this is getting a little old. The book that Alice gave her is probably worth more than that little vacation, and I don't see you giving them a hard time. Can you at least attempt to be fair? And here I thought Bella was going to be the one complaining about the gift."
"She didn't complain about it?" I asked, incredulous.
"No, she accepted it very gracefully, like she did all her other birthday gifts." Edward's eyes narrowed slightly. "She is very excited about this trip, Jasper, please don't ruin it for her. I'm sure you'll both have a great time. Just forget I was the one who bought it."
Alice came back in just then. "If you two are quite finished, we'd appreciate it if you joined us." She rolled her eyes at the both of us and stormed back into the kitchen.
"Bella, you know, I've never been to Haworth…" Alice said leadingly. "I've always wanted to go. Maybe I should go with you…"
"No way, Alice. I'm not spending Christmas without you. Volturi or no Volturi, we are going to be together at Christmas. I have something I need to take care of then." Alice looked at him lovingly, while they shared a little secret in their gaze. For a moment, their sadness was gone as they were lost in each other, but then it was back. Esme seemed to have drifted off into her own thoughts, and between the despair I was feeling from her and Edward's sporadic wincing, I could tell that whatever she was thinking, it wasn't good. My knees started to buckle.
"Bella, can I talk to you alone for a minute? Please?" I begged her. We went into the living room. I took her hands and sat with her on the couch. "Bella, I can't take any more right now. Everyone's emotions are tearing me apart inside. I'm having a hard enough time dealing with my own anguish right now. I hate to waste one moment I might have with you, but I've got to get out of here for a while. Is that alright?" Bella nodded, tears rolling down her face. "I'm sorry, darlin'. I don't want to leave you with a bad goodbye, but I won't be any good to you like this, anyway. We had a wonderful evening last night, let's let that be our farewell until this mess is over." I gave Bella a soft kiss, and then I ran so I wouldn't have to feel Bella's pain at my cowardice.
As I ran, I thought about what I'd done. My flight or fight reflex kicked in, and I didn't really think, I just ran. As guilty as I felt for leaving the way I did, I couldn't help but feel relief the further I distanced myself from the house and all the anguish that was overtaking my senses. I was half way to West Virginia before the internal shaking finally stopped.
Edward's POV
I couldn't believe it! I heard his thoughts. I knew he was having a hard time processing everybody's emotions. That's why I redoubled my efforts to bring my own emotions back under control. But to bail on Bella when she needed him most, it made me sick. I shook my head and everyone else's thoughts matched my own. Did he really just leave?
Alice came back in and sat down next to Bella. Bella looked up at Alice and sniffled. "I drove him away." Alice shook her head vehemently.
"This is what he does, Bella. It's what he always does whenever there are too many powerful emotions for him to handle. He runs. It's not your fault."
"But we can't help how we feel!" Bella cried.
"Actually, maybe you can," I said softly. Instantly everyone else appeared in the room with us.
"What do you mean, Edward?" Carlisle asked.
"Well, over the past several months, I've been studying meditation and mental focusing techniques, and what I've found is that by applying what I've learned, I've been able to block my emotions from Jasper for the most part. Sometimes when I'm not focused, some feelings show through, but for the most part all he feels from me is calm, which I project almost like a wall that I hide my true feelings behind."
"Why would you do that?" Bella asked softly.
"When we first broke up, you asked me to not make Jasper have to suffer through my emotions. My only two choices then were to stay away from him, and consequently you and my family by proxy, or learn to block him. Obviously, the latter was the only acceptable option to me." I shrugged my shoulders. It was a hard thing for me to admit. I was certain Bella had mistakenly thought I was handling our separation much better than I was, and that Jasper wasn't feeling my pain because I wasn't actually in pain. To now admit to Bella that I had been hiding my feelings was a hard thing to do. She didn't say anything, just looked at me with sorrow in her eyes.
"Do you think you could teach us how to do that as well? It might make things a lot easier on Jasper if we could," Alice asked and Bella nodded in agreement. I looked around and found everyone was very interested in learning, even Carlisle and Esme.
I spent the next hour or so teaching everyone the basics of what I'd learned. I walked them each through meditation and breathing techniques. Even though most of us didn't technically need to breathe, it helped to attain the necessary focus. Unfortunately, without Jasper around, there was no way for me to tell them if they were successful in their attempts or not, but everyone's thoughts led me to believe that if nothing else, it helped them calm themselves down so they could deal with their own emotions a little better. It was an odd way to spend Bella's birthday, but it seemed to give everyone a sense of purpose, or at least a decent distraction. I promised Alice, Adrian and Bella that I would keep working on it with them. Hopefully it will make things easier on Jasper from here on out.
As twilight arrived, Carlisle and Esme decided it was time for them to be heading back. They were flying back to Forks on the redeye so Carlisle could get back to work at the hospital. We all promised to keep them appraised of the situation with the Volturi and hugged them as they left. Alice and Adrian both kissed Bella and wished her a happy birthday one last time before retreating to their room for the evening.
I hesitated, thinking it would be prudent to leave as well, but not really wanting her to be alone. I was sitting, contemplating what to do next. Alice and Adrian's thoughts were turning amorous, and neither Bella nor I really needed to hear that.
"Edward?" Her voice was barely a whisper. She sounded so lost.
"Yes, Bella?"
"Do you think…do you think he's coming back tonight?" I took a deep breath. I didn't want to hurt her, but I couldn't lie to her and give her false hope, either. She was going through enough right now.
"Honestly, Bella? No, I don't. At least, not tonight. Every time he's done this in the past, he's been gone anywhere from a couple of days to a couple of weeks." Bella sighed and nodded her head.
"Can I come over? Move in early? I don't want to be here without him. I won't be able to sleep…in our bed…alone. Plus, if Jasper's not here, I might as well give Alice and Adrian their privacy. They only have two more nights together after all." My heart broke for her. She wanted two more nights with Jasper, but she wasn't going to get them. I'd never felt so conflicted in my whole life.
"Of course, Bella. Why don't you leave him a note and ask him to call you if he does come home?" Bella scrawled out a message on the back of one of her Happy Birthday napkins while I gathered up her birthday presents to take with her. I put my arm around her shoulders and she leaned into me for support as we walked out the door.
When we got home, I poured Bella a glass of wine and set the iPod to shuffle the "Classical" playlist softly in the background. Yo-Yo Ma's "Sayuri's Theme" started playing, it's melody both beautiful and hauntingly sad. Kind of like Bella at the moment.
I sat down next to her and she curled up against me on the couch, taking a small sip of her wine before setting it on the table. She wrapped her arms around my waist, her body in almost a fetal position, and I wrapped my arms around her shoulders, rubbing my hand up and down her forearm slowly. She didn't cry and didn't speak, just stared into space.
"Bella?" Nothing. She didn't even blink. It reminded me of images I had captured from Charlie's mind of Bella when I had left her after her 18th birthday. I vowed to myself then that she would never fall into that abyss again, and I'd be damned if I was going to break that oath now. My mind frantically searched for something that would snap her out of it. Maybe if I did something to make her mad at me, make her yell at me, it would at least garner some kind of response. No, she and I were supposed to start acting like a couple again. Getting her angry at me was not going to help us in that regard.
"Bella?" I asked again, the panic creeping into my voice. She looked up at me then, her face absolutely void of emotion. I heard Alice's voice in my head telling me to do whatever I would have done if we were still together. I traced her shoulder and neck with my fingertips as I brought my hand to her face, caressed her cheekbone with my thumb and weaved my fingers into her hair, massaging the back of her skull. No response at all from Bella. She didn't flinch. She didn't relax. Nothing.
Desperate, I did the only thing I could think to do. I closed the distance between us and I kissed her. I felt that painfully familiar spark, the warmth and suppleness of her lips against mine, her sweet breath, but still she didn't respond. I gave her a second, shorter kiss, and then a third. Just when I was pulling back to give up and try something else, Bella lifted her head ever so slightly, and kissed me back. It wasn't passionate by any stretch of the imagination. It was a silent plea for comfort, begging for a flicker of candlelight to fight against the impending darkness. I continued moving my lips chastely against hers, letting her set a slow pace, hoping she felt what I was trying to say, that I would stay there forever, that I would light a thousand candles if it offered her just a moment of solace. Bella's hand cupped my cheek and I leaned into it as we kissed. Eventually Bella ended the kiss, nuzzling her head into the crook of my neck. We stayed that way in silence until she finally fell asleep.
I carried Bella into bed and tucked her in. I hesitated for a moment, staring at the distraught look that followed Bella even into sleep before I walked away. I considered reading the guide, but couldn't bring myself to do anything but sit and get lost in the music for a while. It wasn't long before the nightmares began. Remembering our conversation from last week when she said I could comfort her if she needed it, I went back in the bedroom and laid down beside her to hold her as she shook in her sleep. Her dreams tonight were not the same as the recurring one of the past few weeks. She screamed for Jasper to come back, she cursed the Volturi for their interference, and finally, in the wee hours of the morning, she begged me to take her pain away and make it better. I will try, my Bella. It might be the death of me, but I will try.
A/N: The Naked Cullen Boys are taking the Cullendales review show to New Orleans, Louisiana. It's always Mardi Gras when you've got Jasper and Edward dancing naked and throwing out beads! The next chapter will be the USC game and Bella and Edward's first day together as a pseudo couple. Wonder who they'll run in to at the game... Do you think we could hit 3,000 with this chapter? It would make me SO happy!!!