Monday, 15 November 1813
To my dear Colonel,
You have been absent from my life for far too long, and I know it was because I was a stupid fool who chased you away. Oh, how I wish I could take back those horrific words, but I know that I cannot. You are probably terrified to step foot under the same roof as me and I cannot blame you; what I said to you was horrific and unforgivable while you were only trying to be so kind. I have no excuse to justify my behaviour, as I should not have acted the way I did so long after your insulting proposal. Looking back now, your proposal was hardly as insulting as I believed it to be. Yes, commenting on my family's financial status was unnecessary, but so was my reaction. I should have been patient with you, as you warned me of your poor communication skills. I deeply apologise for what I have done to you.
I am so lonely without you, my dear Colonel. I no longer sleep through the night because I dream of you and of the sweet memories we share. I awaken in the night and find that you are not by my side, nor anywhere near my side, and I spend the rest of the evening in tears knowing that you are not mine and perhaps never shall be. I miss your company and the friendship you have offered me, I miss sitting you down and sketching you, talking for hours on end of whatever topic interests us at the time, I miss your presence around me and I miss the gentle touch of the small of your arm in my hand. My Colonel, my heart is breaking even further with every moment we spend apart and I beg of you to please come back to me - take me into your arms and hold me and tell me you love me, and bestow upon my lips a gentle kiss that will soon turn passionate.
I dream of our last meeting very often. I wonder if, when you took me into your arms, you were going to kiss me. As improper as it is thinking of your lips upon mine, I dream of sharing a passionate kiss with you. I dream of holding you, of running my fingers through your handsome hair and trailing a finger down your handsome face; I love you, my Colonel, more than God could wish his creations would love one another. I would abandon all that I have now and go to the ends of the earth for you if I had to and there isn't one thing in the world that could stop me. Do you love me as your dear sister says you do? If you do, then why don't you write? Please, my Colonel, one word from you is all I need to have even a glimmer of hope. If you do not want me any longer, then tell me so so that I may die in peace, as I feel I might if I do not see you again.
The days are so cold now, Colonel. The weather is numbing, but my days are cold and lonely because I do not have you by my side. I am starting to repeat myself now, aren't I? There's just so much I want to tell you and so little space to do it. Georgiana is in a happy courtship with a man of my acquaintance that I have introduced to her, and Mr. Darcy seems to be growing a fondness for him. You would adore him, too, I believe, for the gentleman is a very good man although he might seem bold. And Lizzy is expecting a child early next summer - Mr. Darcy is so delighted for him! My sisters are all married and we have heard news that Jane, who is now Mrs. Bingley, is expecting her first child, too. We have not heard word from Mary yet, but last we heard, she was in Paris with her Mr. Casey. Every member of this family has had grand things happen to them, except for me. I have lost my only love and any chance of reconciling with him, and that man is you, Colonel.
I wish I had the courage to send you this letter, and if I did, I wish I had your location so that I may give it to you. Come to me, Colonel, I beg of you; come to me! I can feel my heart and any emotions it has left dying slowly, and I fear that soon, there will be none left. Come to me, please, my Colonel - my Richard - and mend my poor broken heart.
Yours forever,
Catherine Bennet