Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)

Security is mostly a superstition.

It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it.

Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure.

Life is a daring adventure or nothing at all.

- Helen Keller -

Water Over Glass

When I woke up on Sunday after a few hours of uninterrupted sleep, at first I had no clue what time it was, let alone where I was. A sliver of daylight was leaking through the closed curtains, making me squint against the brightness and eventually urging me to push myself up into a sitting position.

I realized I was in my living room, still fully clothed and feeling almost as tired as a few hours earlier. Frowning at the wrinkles on my dress, I ran a hand through my wavy, slightly messy hair and waited for the drowsiness to pass. I vaguely remembered curling up on the couch soon after Carlisle had left – I'd been simply too tired to undress, let alone to drag myself into the bedroom.

It was a memory that eventually brought me to alertness and chased away the remnants of my sleepiness. A memory of soft, whispered words and cool lips pressing against my cheek. Sleep well. Carlisle's quiet words seemed to linger in the room. I raised my fingers to my cheek; there was an echo of his touch on my skin.

That echo seemed to turn into a nameless, hollow ache I couldn't make sense of. As difficult as it was to explain the feeling, it was still familiar. I was reminded of the moment last night when the dance between me and Carlisle had been over; when my hand had slipped from his grasp and I had felt instantly cold.

I stood up and walked to the window, drawing aside the curtains to let the gray daylight in. I guessed it was probably sometime after midday. The thick cover of clouds had made a return, inevitably taking away the sharp, cold air and the night illuminated by moonlight. I knew the memory of Esme's and Miguel's wedding would stay with me for the rest of my life. The night had been wonderful, in spite of the fact that it had taken an unfortunate turn when Edward and I had drifted into a heated argument. I still regretted what had happened, but then again I'd had a feeling that we were bound to bump heads eventually. And something told me that this wouldn't be the last time – I guess I just had to prepare myself for repetitive conflicts with him.

Even though I was tired from staying up all night, I resisted the urge to go back to sleep, not wanting to mess up my sleeping pattern completely. As I showered and made myself a quick breakfast, I idly wondered what was going on in Ithaca. Maybe the wedding celebration was still in full swing. I suppose that was one of the pros of being a vampire – your feet wouldn't get achy from dancing all night long.

I was finishing my coffee when my eyes landed on the corsage I had left on the living room table after getting home early that morning. I got up from where I was sitting and took the corsage into my hand, studying the small, winter blue roses with my gaze. I remembered how Carlisle had kindly offered to attach it to the shoulder of my dress last night. His gesture had been sweet, friendly. Carlisle had always had courteous and respectful manners. Consideration for others was an indelible part of his nature. But what about the kiss he had given on my cheek before he had left? Had it been just another friendly act? Should I see it as any other than that? He had kissed Rosalie's cheek, too – and Esme's. Maybe it had been just a gesture of familiarity.

At the thought, the indefinable, hollow ache within me took another form. It became clearer, sharper. Maybe I should have preferred this feeling over the nameless yearning I sometimes felt – after all, it was somehow easier to deal with bare, honest pain.

There was a sudden knock on the door. My heart sprung into an irregular beat, and after a while of hesitation I went to the door and opened it.

It was Alice. For some reason, there was a slightly disapproving expression on her face as I stepped aside to let her in.

"You know, you shouldn't open the door without first making sure who's behind it," she chided.

"And usually I don't," I replied. "But on the other hand, I don't really expect the Volturi to knock politely before arriving to execute me."

She rolled her eyes, removing the expensive-looking cashmere scarf from around her neck. "I wasn't thinking about the Volturi. Vampires aren't the only ones capable of terrible things. Have you ever heard of robbers? Burglars?"

"If someday I'm about be robbed in my own house, I'm sure you'll see it beforehand," I pointed out confidently, half amused. "In that case, you can give me a call and I'll keep the door tightly shut."

"Smart ass," she murmured under her breath. Then she made her way to the door leading to my bedroom, beginning to study the dress I had worn at the wedding last night; I had hung it on the door after ironing it. Alice reached out to caress the beautifully flowing fabric, throwing me a pleased smile. Apparently she was satisfied with my efforts – I knew she took wrinkled clothes personally.

I asked her what was going on in Ithaca and if the wedding celebration was still going strong. She told me that most of the guests were still spending time at their house but some had left in the forenoon. It seemed a little funny to me that some of them had already taken their leave after spending only one night in Ithaca – after all, many had traveled from very far away. And it's not like they had issues with the limited amount of time. But maybe there were individuals even among vampires who detested crowds and social interaction and therefore preferred to spend most of their time alone.

I also asked Alice – as casually as possible – if she had been talking to Edward. She gave me a knowing, sympathetic smile.

"I exchanged a few words with him before I left," she answered. "He was a little short-worded. It seems like he didn't exactly enjoy arguing with you last night."

"Believe me, I didn't enjoy it either," I said dryly, dropping myself on the couch. "It's time to come through with your promise, by the way. You were supposed to tell me what's going on with him – and why he was in such a hurry to see Carlisle yesterday morning."

Alice turned away from the dress, releasing the soft fabric from her caressing fingers almost reluctantly. I suddenly had a feeling she would have rather continued admiring the dress – which in itself was no surprise, knowing Alice. But my words had brought a deeply troubled expression on her face again. It made me frown.

"Right," she sighed, making her way to the couch and sitting down next to me. "As I told you yesterday, Edward was going to do something rushed, supposedly out of frustration. He's getting impatient with the situation."

"What was he going to do?" I asked. "I thought there was nothing to do. Or well, except to change me. And I'm pretty sure he's in no hurry rush that."

"He's not." Alice was silent for a while, reaching out for a magazine sitting on the coffee table. Instead of reading it, she rolled it into a cylinder.

"Do you remember that odd vision I had months ago? The vision about the unknown, blonde vampire?" she asked.

I frowned. I had to admit that I had almost forgotten about her. Ever since the Volturi's involvement had become known, I hadn't given her much thought.

Alice seemed to know what was going on in my head. "I know. She hasn't been first and foremost on my mind, either. But it bugs me that we still have no idea who she is and why I saw her in the first place."

"What does she have to do with Edward?" I asked, confused. "Or whatever it was that he was planning to do."

"As expected, the identity of that woman troubles him, too. He's begun to question our theory, wondering if it's this unknown vampire who attacks you in my vision instead of someone of the Volturi. And he obviously doesn't want you to be changed before we know more about her."

I had an urge to roll my eyes. "Why am I not surprised?"

Alice gave me a compassionate look. "He does have a point, though," she admitted. "I agree that we have to find out who that vampire is – and why I had a vision of her in the first place. She has to have something to do with our situation because otherwise I wouldn't keep seeing her. But I also know that Edward is desperate – he might be just grasping at straws here. It's a lot more likely that the Volturi are behind this, considering what he and Jasper found out from that nomad before Christmas. And besides, even if that unknown woman was behind everything, what does it matter? Your life is still threatened. Changing you sooner or later could be the only way to keep you safe. Edward just has to get over himself and deal with it."

"What exactly did he have in mind, then?" I queried, still wondering what he had been up to, and why it had taken Carlisle's intervention to make him to stay put. "None of you recognize the vampire in your vision, so what was it that he wanted to do about her?"

"Edward wanted to track her down. He asked me to show him the vision so he could find out if he could recognize the scenery."

I quirked my brow. "Could he?"

Alice shook her head. "No, and I'm not that surprised. I can only see that the vampire is surrounded by snow and possibly mountains, but that's all I can tell. The vision is too unclear. It can take place anywhere. Since it's winter and there's snow on the ground, it's possible that it won't be long before the vision comes true. However, knowing the time frame is of little use if we don't know the location."

"How was Edward going to track her down, then, since you're not able to tell where your vision takes place?"

Alice shrugged. "Well, he has two options. I could guide him, for instance. He was planning on setting a random course, and I was supposed to keep an eye on his future and let him know if he's even remotely on the right track. I'd be able to confirm almost immediately when he finds the right direction."

"I don't know anything about tracking down a vampire," I admitted. "But isn't that a slightly inefficient way to try to find someone? To choose a random direction and just hope that he'll stumble upon this vampire or her scent eventually? Even with your ability to see when he's heading the wrong way?"

"I mostly agree. However, there is one thing that makes me believe that Edward might have a shot at it." A pondering expression came over her features. "Do you remember that one time when I had that vision about that woman again and simultaneously saw a quick flash of Edward's face? It was just before Christmas."

I nodded, realizing that I had almost forgotten the whole incidence. "That's why Jasper went to look for him," I remembered now. "And that's how he and Edward ran into that nomad and found out about the Volturi in the first place."

"Right." Alice nodded. "I've been thinking about that particular vision a lot. Why would I see this woman and have a vision of Edward simultaneously? There has to be a reason for it."

"But you said that Edward wasn't in the same vision," I pointed out, racking my brain and wondering if I remembered correctly. "I remember you saying that it was almost like two different frames had been put on top of each other."

"Exactly. It was almost like the vision was... I don't know. Incomplete."

"Where are you going with this?" I queried. "Do you believe that Edward's future is somehow tied to this vampire's? That your vision means that he could find her if he tried?"

"I don't know. It's possible. Edward seems to believe so. All I know is that what I saw is significant. I just don't know how yet. Or why."

I pondered her words in silence for a while. "So what's your honest opinion? Do you think he should try to search her out?"

"Maybe." She bit her lip. "He'd be more than willing to try. But yesterday, Carlisle managed to convince him to stay put for now. For Esme's sake. She wouldn't be pleased to find out that he has wandered off on his own, especially now when she and Miguel just got married."

I murmured an agreement. I knew I had no say in Edward's intentions, and therefore couldn't stop him from going after that vampire if he wanted to do so. But the whole thing did worry me. And if he did decide to go searching for this vampire, it would be wiser if he had someone to accompany him since we still had no idea who that vampire was and what her intentions were.

I began to play back our conversation. "Hold on," I murmured. "You said that he has two options if he wants to find the vampire in your visions. What's the other one?"

"That's one of the reasons Edward wanted to see Carlisle yesterday," Alice began to explain. "Edward himself is a good tracker, but he has no special abilities when it comes to that particular area. His ability to read minds doesn't really help him if his target is thousands of miles away." She glanced my way. "But if Edward had someone with him – someone who has a special knack for tracking – his task would be a lot easier." She paused for a second. "I'm aware Carlisle's told you about trackers – there was James, for instance. And then there's Demetri."

"He's the member of the Volturi guard," I remembered, thinking back at that one afternoon I had spent in Ithaca and learned more about the Volturi.

"Yes," Alice confirmed. "He's possibly the best tracker in the world. If he's met his target in the past, he can find them, no matter where they run."

"How? Does he have a better sense of smell?" I asked, half joking.

Alice gave me a wry smile. "It's not so much that he follows his target's scent. Eleazar once said that it has something to do with the target's thoughts and mind. Somehow Demetri connects to them, or catches something of his target's mind, and then all he has to do is just follow."

"That's creepy."

"No argument from me." She sighed, biting her lip. "Anyway, there are others like him. Like Alistair, for instance."

"Carlisle's mentioned him in passing." I remembered that one late night in the Cullens' garden, the waning moon on the sky. The frozen bird bath under the oak. The flames in the fireplace of the living room. The cool hand around my own warm one, the thundering pulse in my veins when Carlisle had promised to change me.

"Alistair is Carlisle's old friend," Alice continued. "If one can call him a friend, that is. He's kind of a hermit, you see. Doesn't like company. Carlisle doesn't see him that often – maybe once in several decades."

"That's why Edward wanted to see Carlisle yesterday," I guessed.

Alice nodded, confirming my suspicions. "He wanted to know if Carlisle had a way to reach Alistair. He could help Edward find this unknown vampire in my visions. He feels an elusive pull towards whatever or whoever he seeks. With Alistair's help, finding this vampire would be a lot easier. But Carlisle doesn't know where he is – he's constantly on the move, you see. And usually, he doesn't want to be found and he's very good at not being found."

"Why didn't Edward ask for your help?" I queried. "Wouldn't you be able to tell where he is?"

"He did ask me," she admitted. "And yes, I might be able to find Alistair if I focused hard enough. It's just that it might take several days of concentration to get attuned to him. But with everything else that it's going on, and with so many other futures I have to keep an eye on..." She trailed off, giving a weary sigh.

"... you already have enough on your plate," I finished for her.

She nodded. "I promised to try, but that's pretty much all I can promise. And for all I know, it could be a waste of energy. Looking for Alistair just can't be my first priority right now. I don't want to risk missing anything important just because Edward has stubbornly decided to find this faceless woman!"

I chuckled at her indignation. "I wonder why you still can't make out her features."

She frowned. "Something has to happen first," she murmured distractedly. "An occurrence or someone's decision is involved."

I studied her face that was suddenly serious and wrinkled with worry. "Maybe that's why Edward is so fascinated by this vampire – because she's so enigmatic," I suggested, tongue in cheek, trying to cheer her up. "I've heard that some men like to chase mysterious women. Maybe he's developing a crush on her."

My words had the desired effect – Alice gave a laugh and grinned widely. "I have to admit it would do Edward some good. To have something else – or someone else – to think about. He's been obsessing about you all morning, considering if he should pay you a visit. But he wonders if you're too mad to let him in."

I rolled my eyes and got up from the couch to pour myself another cup of coffee. "He's welcome to pay me a visit. An honest, air-clearing conversation would do some good to both of us." I took a sip from my coffee, thinking about what had happened between me and him last night. "I wonder what it takes for him to understand that my decision to become a vampire isn't just a sudden whim. What has to happen before he's willing to understand? Do I have to be on the brink of death before he accepts my choice?"

A strange expression came over Alice's face when she heard my words. With a sigh, she drew her knees to her chest, hugging her legs.

"What's the matter?" I asked, her gloomy expression confusing me. "What's that look for?"

She sighed again. "Something came up this morning – something I haven't told you yet."

"Okay," I prodded, making my way back to the couch and sitting down again. "What is it?"

Alice's golden eyes were serious as she gazed at me. She hesitated for a while. "I had that same vision of you again – the one where you're being attacked by someone."

"Okay," I repeated, puzzled about her troubled expression. She wasn't exactly telling me anything new – she had kept seeing that vision all these months. Of course we had all been puzzled, maybe even a little concerned about the fact that despite my decision to become a vampire, the vision hadn't changed or disappeared.

"It was just like when I had that vision for the very first time," she continued, for some reason still troubled by what she was about to tell me. "I wasn't even searching your future at that moment. The vision just came out of nowhere – I didn't expect it at all. It happened just after you and Carlisle had left the wedding. Only this time, the vision was... " she frowned, shaking her head. "I don't know, clearer. Sharper. More focused. It was like someone had suddenly enhanced the quality of a photo that used to be very blurry. The difference was significant."

I had to admit that it sounded worrisome. A thought came to me – it was almost as if the moment in the vision was drawing closer and closer. The hair stood on my arms. I shook the ominous thoughts away, focusing on Alice again.

"Could you try to describe the vision to me? As clearly as possible?" I asked, remembering I had asked her to do the same last fall, months ago.

"I'm not sure how that helps. Even though the vision is now sharper, it still lasts only a second. Like it's just a small piece of a bigger chain of events. And besides, I've already described it to you once."

"But only roughly."

Alice still hesitated.

"Humor me," I asked.

A small puff of air left her lips. Then she closed her eyes, frowning.

"It's dark," she began, sounding a little frustrated. "I don't know if it's because the vision is so vague, or if it's actually dark. I see you down – maybe you're on the ground, maybe on the floor, I don't know. You're clearly in pain and calling out to someone." She paused, a flicker of hesitation in her eyes. "You're bleeding. There's blood on your face and lips."

I quirked my brow. "You've never mentioned that before."

She shrugged. "What would it have helped? I didn't want to trouble you any more than it was necessary."

I mulled over what she had told me, trying not to freak out. "It's strange that you still can't see the attacker."

"That is probably because the Volturi haven't decided who to send. Once they do that, I may be able to tell who it is. Not that it matters – we'll never let the situation get that far. As soon as I see the Volturi decide, Carlisle will change you and you'll be safe. And whoever it is who bothers to come all the way from Italy will have to admit that it was a wasted trip."

I looked down at my hands, brooding. "Have you told Carlisle?" I asked. "That your vision of me became clearer?"

"I told him before I left here, in private. I didn't want Esme or Miguel to overhear us."

I nodded in agreement. "They shouldn't have to worry about this matter. This should be a time of happiness for them." A small sigh left my chest. There was something ominous about the change in Alice's vision, but other than that, I had to admit that the situation hadn't changed much. Nothing drastic had turned out – I acknowledged this. And yet, why did it feel like something was very different? Why did it feel like the shadow that had loomed over me since last fall was now darker, more imminent?

After finding out about the Volturi's involvement a few weeks ago, the Cullens had stopped watching my every move twenty-four hours a day since they no longer had to watch out for a random attack by someone unknown. But now, Alice told me that Carlisle wanted to start keeping a more careful eye on me from now on. I knew that he trusted Alice to see when the Volturi would make their decision, and that's why his reawakened wariness puzzled me slightly.

"So the around-the-clock security detail is back again," I stated.

"Yes," Alice confirmed. "Starting from this morning." The chagrined frown beginning to curve her brow got my attention.

"What?" I asked.

She shook her head. "Nothing. It's just that there is an opening for a surgeon at the hospital here in Buffalo. Since the situation has remained so calm all these weeks, I've been trying to persuade Carlisle to apply for it."

I frowned. "He hasn't mentioned anything to me."

Alice shrugged. "It's because he's been more or less reluctant to even consider it seriously. He was playing with the idea at one point, but that's all. But after what happened this morning, there's no way he's going to apply for it. He's just too worried."

I bit my lip. "I feel terrible that he feels like he can't work because of the situation. Last fall he told me that hospitals wouldn't disappear from the world and he'd go back to being a doctor once the situation was over. But maybe he didn't expect this mess to last this long." I sighed. "I know how much he loves being a doctor – how important it is to him."

"Your safety is important to him, too," Alice pointed out.

"I wonder if I could make him change his about this. The rest of you are completely capable of keeping on eye on me while he's away."

"Of course we are. And of course he knows that," she stated. "But it's important to his peace of mind to be present himself. So don't waste your time – he's not going to change his mind."

"He shouldn't have to feel responsible for me."

Alice shook her head, for some reason looking now almost amused. "Do you believe that he's just feeling responsible?"

I stayed silent and didn't answer, at first pretending that I had interpreted it as a rhetorical question. But Alice kept stubbornly staring at me, her black eyebrows raised.

"I don't know what you mean," I eventually said, trying to ignore that my heart had begun to beat in a strange rhythm.

"Really?" she asked, unbelieving. I was getting uncomfortable under her scrutiny. "Well, if you seriously don't know what I'm talking about, I can't help you. Only you can."

After that, she rose from the couch after giving my arm a gentle pat.

Her words lingered with me for the rest of the day. I tried to push them aside, wanting to deal with them when my mind wasn't teeming with thousands of other confusing thoughts. I went to bed early that night, but my slumber was restless and full of anxious dreams; there was a bright red gaze following my every movement, and no matter where I ran, I couldn't escape the merciless eyes. When I woke up, the sheets were tangled up around me, and it took a full minute to get myself free from them.

Monday passed in a flurry of work. Two badly slept nights in a row took their toll on me, and I was exhausted when I finally got home late in the afternoon. It wasn't until then that I realized that I hadn't seen any of the Cullens all day. I knew they were probably making the most of getting to spend time with their old acquaintances – it was a rare occasion when so many vampires were gathered in one place. But because of the change in Alice's vision, I knew there was someone watching over me constantly, even now. Earlier during the day I hadn't had the time to think about who it was. But as I looked outside through the kitchen window into the darkening evening, I tried to guess who of the Cullens it was who watched over me right now. It wasn't Carlisle – I knew it because he would have come inside. The same applied to Alice. I was so familiar even with Jasper by now that I found it hard to believe that he wouldn't at least drop by for a quick hello. I didn't know about Rosalie and Emmett – it hadn't come up during the weekend how long they would stay in Ithaca. It was possible that they had already left.

Almost as if to answer my silent thought, there was a soft knock on the door. Turning away from the window, I crossed the living room to the door and placed my half-consumed tea on the coffee table in the process. Remembering Alice's reproaches, this time I took a peek outside before unlocking the door.

I blinked in surprise, momentarily thrown by what I saw. My hand froze on the doorknob, but I recovered quickly, unlocking and opening the door with slight hesitation.

The colors of twilight made Edward's bronze hair appear darker. His eyes weren't the usual shade of golden, but instead, they were a rich shade of honey. Maybe it was the lighting. Maybe it was because he hadn't hunted in a while. Or maybe it was the reserve with which he regarded me as he stood there on my doorstep.

It was almost like he wondered whether or not it was okay to be there – like he wondered whether or not it had been a wise decision to come.

I regarded him with that same reserve. "Well. This is a surprise."

If my curt words offended him, he didn't let it show. If anything, he seemed to have expected my less eager welcome. He glanced at the white ground at his feet before lifting his gaze again. "I'm sorry to disturb your evening."

I had to remind myself that this is what I had been hoping for ever since our argument at the wedding two days ago – that we could have a chance to clear the air and have a calm, proper conversation with each other.

"You're not disturbing," I assured, softening slightly. "Would you... like to come in?"

A funny feeling came over me, then. It felt so strange to invite him in through the front door. How many times had he snuck to my window at night and climbed into my room to steal a kiss? How many times had he soundlessly disappeared into the darkness when Charlie had happened to take a peek into my room to make sure that I was sleeping?

Edward was thinking about those very same things – I saw it from his eyes. A sad smile rose to his lips, and he took a step inside, then another, and when I closed the door behind him and turned to look at him, the reality of it seemed to fill the room; we weren't those two people anymore, those two who had once fallen so hard and so fast for each other. We weren't the same Edward and Bella.

And yet, somehow, we still were.

I looked at Edward, and saw that the boy who had secretly used to climb through my window at nights was still there, behind that air of seriousness and shadows he seemed to carry with him. A part of me wanted that boy back, wanted to see him step out of those shadows the years had given him, but another part accepted the fact that it might not happen. The years had changed his spirit irreversibly as they had changed mine.

Sensing my scrutiny, and maybe feeling uncomfortable under it, Edward looked away from me. He gave a glance at his surroundings, a spark of curiosity lighting up his eyes. It was sincere, that curiosity. His eyes seemed to devour the small apartment that was my home, almost as if seeing every small detail pleased him immensely.

"So," I said, breaking the silence. "Is it your turn to babysit me tonight?"

A half-smile made its way to his lips. "Not initially. I switched with Jasper."

That surprised me. "Why?"

Edward didn't answer. He still kept looking around him, almost like he couldn't get enough of what he saw. "How long have you lived here?" he asked quietly, ignoring my earlier question.

"For a few years," I answered. "The majority of the time that I've lived in Buffalo, anyway." I began to move towards the living room, picking up my cup of half-finished tea.

Edward followed me with slow steps. For a while he was completely silent, his eyes studying the walls and the furniture in my combined kitchen and living room. There was some odd satisfaction in his gaze that I couldn't explain. I observed him, torn between bafflement and amusement as I witnessed the effect my small home seemed to have on him.

"It's... lovely," he eventually said after another moment of silence. His tone was suddenly oddly soft, gentle even. The earlier reserve was suddenly gone from him as he turned to give me a look. "It's pretty much what I always imagined."

That made me raise my eyebrows. "Imagined?" I asked, surprised about the way the conversation was going. I realized I had expected us to continue where we had left off on Saturday. That we'd keep fighting and arguing until one or the other – or both of us – would get too furious and leave with doors banging.

He shrugged, the expression on his face something between wistful and amused. "I often found myself trying to picture you, how you might live your life. And how you would have ended up living it had we not met at all." He paused, a withdrawn expression coming over his face. "It was... something I allowed for myself after we left. I suppose it's not entirely fair, considering that I forbade Alice from searching your future." He gave a dry, ironic laugh. "A few times I told her off when I caught her looking for you. It made me feel guilty – after all, she never knew that I was cheating and breaking my own rules. That I was thinking about you, even though I shouldn't have."

"Why did you?" I asked.

He looked my way, a slight frown furrowing his brow. My question seemed to confuse him.

"I mean why twist the knife in your own wound like that," I explained. "Did you have second thoughts about your decision to leave Forks?"

He was silent for a long while before responding, not meeting my eyes. "It's not that I truly questioned my decision to leave," he eventually answered. "All the while I knew and acknowledged why I did what I did – why I had to make the decision to leave. But I did have... regret. I suppose I kept thinking about you, imagining you going on with your life, to keep myself in check. To remind myself why I left in the first place. To remind myself why I couldn't – shouldn't – return." He met my gaze. "If I had done otherwise – pictured you crying after me, refusing to go on without me, I..." He trailed off, shaking his head.

"What?" I asked quietly, almost whispering. "Is it that hard to admit? That you might have ended up considering coming back to me?"

He shook his head. "It's not a hard thing to admit," he disagreed with a soft voice. "In fact, admitting that is very easy. But it's the consequences of that possibility that I find hard to accept. Returning would have been selfish. I would have never forgiven myself for being that... weak."

I stayed quiet for a minute. "If you had returned, I wouldn't have been able to believe my eyes."

"Why not?"

"Because I believed everything you told me in the woods when you said goodbye. Every word. It never crossed my mind during these years that you lied to me in order to protect me – that you left because you cared about me. It was Carlisle who told me the truth when he came to Buffalo last fall."

He nodded leisurely. "I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly believed that I didn't want you anymore. It was so easy to convince you – a lot easier than I had thought. But it was the only way. I knew I needed to hurt you in the worst possible way in order to keep you safe. " He frowned at the floor before glancing up at me. His eyes searched my face carefully. "But still... I find it hard to believe that you didn't question my words even once. After all the thousand times I told you I love you, you let one word break your faith in me."

I gave him a sad smile. "I didn't exactly have the best self-esteem back then."

"And I took advantage of that. Perhaps I shouldn't have... but at the time I felt like I had no choice."

I held his gaze, making sure I had his full attention. "Between the two of us, you were the only one feeling like that."

Edward frowned.

"Feeling like you had no other choice," I explained. "I never felt like that, Edward. I felt like I had choices – like we had choices. I know there's no point in wallowing in the past, and I know we can't change it and we shouldn't... but I find it very important that we acknowledge it nonetheless. What the two of us had between us... I never felt about it like you did – like it was just a dead end."

Edward was silent for a long while. "I didn't feel like our relationship was a dead end," he disagreed softly.

"Then why did it end like it did?" I asked, just as softly. "It didn't have to, you know."

Edward's voice was still quiet and soft, but there was a new sharpness in his eyes. "Yes. It did." He paused, maybe to observe my reaction. When there was none, he continued. "It had to end like it did because I needed to know that I had done everything in my power to make sure that you'd get a chance to have a safe, normal human life. If I hadn't left when I did – "

Something about his words almost annoyed me. "You say that you made that decision for me – that you wanted to do what was best for me," I cut him off. "But it kind of sounds to me like you also did it for yourself – so that you wouldn't have to feel guilty about stealing my human life. About taking away my soul. You didn't leave just to protect me, but also to protect yourself. From guilt."

Edward opened his mouth to respond, but it took a while before he found his voice. "My main priority was to keep you safe. You know it."

"I know it now," I granted. I kept my voice calm, determined to keep the conversation going and not get upset. Everything that had gone unsaid for these past eight years should be said now. "And I also know that deep down you meant well. I know you believed that leaving me behind was the solution, the only way to keep me safe. But Edward... look where we are now. Let's face it – when I stepped into your world over eight years ago, you should have admitted that there was no going back for me. We should have seen this through then."

The expression on Edward's face was impossible to read. He gazed into my eyes for a moment more before turning away. His attention went to the table under the window that was littered with framed photographs. At first I thought he was trying to avoid answering my statement.

"Do you disagree?" I asked, now almost defiant.

He didn't respond, but instead neared the table with slow, calm steps. I followed him with my gaze and observed him closely as he began to study the photos on the table. Then I realized that he wasn't trying to avoid answering – the photographs had genuinely caught his interest.

I saw his eyes traveling from photo to photo. Some of the faces staring from the frames were familiar to him, like Charlie, Renée and Phil, and he studied them with sincere interest. But he seemed more curious about the people he didn't recognize. His fingers touched one of the photographs. It was of a smiling, young woman who had strawberry blonde hair and freckles all over her face.

"That's Anna," I told him after a while of silence. "My college roommate."

He nodded, his eyes studying the photo for a while more. "What was your major?" he suddenly asked, very quietly. There was a curious expression on his face as he turned to look at me.

"English literature," I answered with a shrug. "What else?"

He gave a soft laugh. There was a pleased smile on his lips, but his eyes were wistful.

"What?" I asked, unable to understand his expression.

"Nothing," he answered. "It's just that, well... your answer was easy to predict. It pleases me to know that there are some things that never change – that at least this small thing has stayed the same about you. Your love for literature, that is."

I studied him. "Are you saying that's the only thing that hasn't changed? Am I really that different?"

He met my gaze, staying silent for a minute. "Yes," he answered eventually. "Deep down you are the same Bella. But otherwise, I can hardly recognize you. So yes, you are different."

He turned to the photos again. For a while his gaze lingered on the faces of my college friends, but eventually, his eyes stopped on the picture of me and Adrian embracing each other beside a lake. The setting sun behind us gave the picture golden and warm tones.

Hesitating, Edward reached out for it, as if wanting to pick it up to study it more closely. But something stopped him, and he settled for touching the frame with the tips of his pale fingers.

His voice was quiet and soft, almost uncertain when eventually he spoke. "Who is he?"

I walked closer, watching him closely as I answered. "That's Adrian."

His face bore no reaction. "And... where is Adrian tonight?" He hesitated at the name.

"He moved away a few months ago."

"I see."

I was almost tempted to smile. I imagined him leaving my apartment and making a beeline for Alice to interrogate her about this matter.

Edward seemed to have to force himself to look away from the picture of me and Adrian. It made me wonder what was going through his head. Was he jealous? Surprised? Or happy to see that I had been able to move on after he had left?

I didn't expect him to ask anything else, but he surprised me by turning to look my way.

"Why did he leave?" he queried, and now there was a spark of something – sadness, pity? – in his eyes. He tried to hide it, tried to sound as nonchalant as possible, but he couldn't quite pull it off. It took me a while to realize that he was worried that I was once again nurturing a broken heart. I gave an inward laugh at the thought.

"He was kind of a restless spirit," I explained. "Always on the move. Traveling was his whole life."

"That is why the two of you aren't together anymore?"

"What makes you think we even were together?" I asked, curious about his answer. "Maybe we were just friends."

Edward's smile was something between sad and amused. He looked at the picture again. "I recognize the way he looks at you," he responded, his voice hushed almost to a whisper. "And I recognize the way you look at him." His eyes left the photo again and then settled to me. The earlier scarce smile was gone now, not even a hint of amusement left. Just seriousness and... something like longing, I suppose. "There was a time when you used to look at me like that."

I held his gaze for a moment before looking away. What was there to say? What was he expecting me to say to that?

Apparently nothing.

"So... he left?" Edward continued, motioning towards the picture. "Because you didn't want the same things?"

I shrugged. "We were too different. He wanted to travel the world. I didn't. My bookstore and my entire life is here. But in the end, it's wasn't that black and white. There was a lot more to it."

He nodded. "Yes. There usually is."

I looked at him sharply, deciding to return to the earlier subject. "You didn't answer my earlier question."

"About?"

"About whether or not you disagree that we should have seen this through eight years ago. About you believing that the only way out of this – and the only way to keep me safe – was to leave me behind."

Edward sighed. "If you're trying to tell me 'I told you so' – "

"I'm not," I cut him off softly. "I'm just saying that its's about time we face the situation head-on. We have to accept it as what it is. I'm part of your world and there's no way we can change that."

His expression became withdrawn. "Like you said earlier: It's not that black and white."

I let out a deep breath I'd been holding and tried to stay patient. "Fine. Be difficult about this. Edward, I really want to work this out with you, but you're making it very hard." I waited for him to respond, to react, but he did neither. "I just don't get it," I eventually said quietly. "I sometimes feel like you believe that I'm doing this just out of spite – that I've chosen to become a vampire because I want to make your life difficult. You seem to take this so personally."

Finally, Edward looked at me. "Because it is personal. And for the record: I don't believe that you're doing this to make my life difficult. I'm just worried that you're rushing into this – I've seen you do that before." He gestured towards the pictures on the table. "Look what you've created for yourself during the past years, Bella. If I hadn't left eight years ago, you would know nothing of this. Of life. Of living."

I bit the inside of my cheek. Edward observed me carefully. Maybe he was expecting me to spill out heated objections. I let him wait for a while before starting to speak.

"I am grateful for these past eight years," I granted. "And during these years I've had the most amazing and wonderful experiences I would never give up. Maybe you're right – maybe I was rushing into things eight years ago when I wanted to join you and become a vampire. Maybe I hadn't thought it through." He narrowed his eyes; I had caught him off guard with my straightforward words. "But Edward," I continued. "If I had gotten my way back then, if I had gotten the chance to make my own decisions... And if that decision had turned out to be a mistake... even still, it was my mistake to made."

"And... what?" Edward gave a dry, bitter laugh. "This mistake is also yours to make?"

"What makes you so sure that it is a mistake?" I asked, now close to losing my temper. "And what, would you rather wait for the Volturi to show up and kill me? And your family as well for breaking the rules? Is that really what you'd rather see happen? Would you rather see me dead?"

Edward took a brisk step back as though I had slapped him. Hard. "Of course not," he spat, sounding furious. I felt almost relieved – I had finally managed to get some life into him.

"Then what is it about?" I asked. "I can understand to some extent why you were so against this back in Forks. I had choices. There was no real threat then and no one's life was in danger. But it's different now. Surely you can understand that. Or are you stubbornly going to hold onto your philosophy no matter what?"

He turned away and raked a hand through his hair as if to gather patience. I waited. He was silent for full two minutes before speaking. He didn't turn to look at me, didn't raise his voice above a whisper. But still, I could hear every word with perfect clarity.

"Believe it or not," he said, "but I am trying to think of what's best for you. I despise the idea of you having to make this decision to keep yourself safe. How could you know what you truly want when you have to make your decision under these kind of circumstances?" He turned to look at me, then. "And Bella – I'm only going to say this once, so pay attention. I'm not against you becoming a vampire in order to hang onto some stubborn ideal. I'm also unwilling to see you die for that ideal. I'm against the idea of changing you simply because I know what kind of suffering this life can bring. You have no idea what it's like to live through endless decades, even centuries, and watch everyone and everything around you change and move on while you're just standing still. You live, you breathe, you exist..." He shook his head. "But still... life itself just... passes you by. Bella, you deserve better than this."

I listened to his outburst without a word. For a while, I didn't know what to say.

"Okay." I nodded. "Thank you for telling me that."

Edward drew in a slow, silent breath. "All I'm saying that changing you should be the last resort." He paused, holding my gaze. "Carlisle agrees with me. If my opinion doesn't matter to you, maybe his does."

His words were innocent; so was his tone. But there was something about his eyes that made me feel bare, exposed, like I had done something wrong and forbidden. I battled the urge to break our eye-contact.

"I know Carlisle feels the same as you do about this matter," I answered calmly. "But he's accepted my choice. He's made me a promise and he's going to come through with it if I ask. And I don't think he would even consider coming through with it if he suspected that I have made my decision lightly. I also don't think that he would have offered to change me unless he thought it to be necessary." I cocked my head to one side, throwing his earlier words back at him. "So... if my opinion doesn't matter to you, maybe his does."

Edward's jaw clenched as if he was biting back words. For severel seconds he was completely still and quiet, apparently trying to gather what was left of his patience. After a while, he turned to look at the pictures on the table again. I didn't need to look in order to know what particular picture he was staring at.

"There's one thing I still don't understand," he eventually said, his voice quiet and carefully composed. His usually golden eyes, now a shade darker, were trained on the picture of me and Adrian. "You weren't willing to give up your life here in order to be with him. But still, you're so ready to throw it away for us."

"That was different," I disagreed softly. "And besides, I'm not throwing my life away."

"But surely you understand that you can't stay here after you've become one of us. Carlisle has told me how much you love it here – and how much your bookstore means to you. You'd have to give that up, you know."

"I've already been working that out with Alice," I explained. "And I'm not saying that it's not a sacrifice. I am fully aware of what I'm about to give up. Believe me."

I held his gaze until he looked away. He seemed almost shaken by my resolve.

Taking a step closer to him, I surprised both him and myself by taking his hand. "I hear what you're saying, Edward," I told him softly, hoping to get through to him. "And I do appreciate it that you're looking out for me. I know you worry that becoming a vampire will eventually make me miserable. And I know that you're talking from experience when you say that an eternal life doesn't come without sufferings and sacrifices."

The look on Edward's face softened slightly, but I could see that he was still tense. His cool hand in my own felt familiar. It was like a faint echo from a past life, a memory of a forgotten dream suddenly resurfacing.

"I just can't comprehend," he said slowly, clearly seeking a composed tone, "why someone would choose misery and loneliness when there is a better option."

"That's just it, Edward. I'm not choosing those things," I told him. "And I don't understand why you should, either."

He frowned.

"Life is full of choices and decisions," I explained as I noticed his confusion. "And while we always can't choose the circumstances in which we find ourselves, we have at least some influence in how we feel about them." I paused, observing his reaction. His face was like stone. "Misery and loneliness... like you said, they are choices, too."

A wry smile pulled Edward's lips into a crooked line. "You're saying that I've made a conscious decision to be miserable and lonely."

"I don't know, Edward. I suppose you're the only one who can truly answer that." I held his gaze. He held mine. Me, trying to see beyond the air of shadows around him. And him, trying to keep me and my words at a safe distance.

Maybe he was about to fail, because after a moment he lowered his gaze and pulled his hand free from my grasp. "I should go." As quiet as his voice was, there was a coolness to it I could not help hearing. With slow steps, he began to make his way to the door. I felt like I should say something, like I should stop him from leaving, but no words came. I kind of kept having the feeling that no words would reach him, anyway. They would just slip away from him like water over glass.

Edward stopped beside the coffee table and turned to look at me. The earlier reserve was back; he no longer looked around him with curiosity. It was almost like he tried not to see the walls surrounding him. I recognized the look in his eyes – it was a mix of irritation and disappointment. I realized he had come here tonight in the hopes of making me question my intentions and decisions. But in the end, it was him who had been forced to question his.

His gaze dropped to the coffee table, and at first I thought it was unintentional and he just wanted to avoid my eyes. But when I followed his gaze after a moment of silence, I noticed that his eyes were settled on the corsage I had worn to Esme's and Miguel's wedding. It was now resting in a small vase in the middle of the coffee table. The petite, winter blue roses had slowly begun to wither, but I had wanted to keep the corsage as a memory.

"This is for you. Alice told me to give it to you before the ceremony."

"Really?" I had asked. "For me?"

"Of course." I remembered Carlisle's smile, the soft glow of his eyes in the gentle light of the candles. "May I?"

I could sense Edward's gaze settle on me, almost as if he had relived the moment, too. An uncomfortable thought came to me; maybe he had. It was possible if he had witnessed the moment through someone else's eyes.

Tearing my gaze away from the corsage, I met his stare. His expression was neutral, but there was a silent accusation in his eyes that made me feel restless, uneasy. Not guilty, though. Because I had nothing to feel guilty about.

The look in his eyes actually irritated me a bit. He was the one who had chosen to pry on a private moment. I was beginning to feel like I was reaching the end of my supply of diplomacy. Maybe Edward sensed that, because he began to make his way towards the door with slow, calculated steps. He placed his hand upon the door knob, but didn't turn it.

He turned to look my way. "One more thing," he said quietly, his voice distant. "Esme was hoping to see you before she and Miguel leave for their honeymoon at the end of this week."

I nodded. "Okay. I'll come by before then."

"I'll ask Alice to pick you up." His gaze shifted to the coffee table. Maybe it was untintentional. Maybe not. "Or who knows. Maybe somebody else would like the honor."

After that, he opened the door and stepped outside, disappearing into the darknening night and leaving me in the restless silence.

AN: No, you're not dreaming or hallucinating. Yes, that was an actual update. It feels like a million years since I've been able to focus on writing this story. I was supposed to finish and post this chapter way before Christmas, but then I started at this new job that exhausted me both mentally and physically and for months I felt like a zombie. Sometimes I still feel like one, but luckily spring its under way which always gives me more energy :) I am truly sorry that it took so long for me to update! Please bear in mind that even though it sometimes may take insanely long for a new chapter to appear, it doesn't mean that I've abandoned the story. So rest assured, a new chapter is always in the works even though it seems like nothing's happening in the update zone.

Edward's lines "I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly believed that I didn't want you anymore." and "After all the thousand times I told you I love you, you let one word break your faith in me." are from Stephenie Meyer's New Moon.

You might want to give the chapter 11 a re-read in case you wondered what vision Alice and Bella were talking about. I realized that at least two years has passed since I've published that particular chapter, but the plot of this story hasn't come along nearly as much as I (and I'm sure many you) would have liked. My intention was to bring Edward and the rest of the Cullens into the story a lot earlier but that obviously didn't happen. That's the main reason why the plot has seemed to be standing still so far. But don't worry, the much awaited drama will begin sooner or later! ;)

Have a nice day, and let me know what you think!