Heartbreak Arc : Part 3 of 3.
#21:
Liar
You can't expect the truth from someone who lives a lie.
In the days that followed her conversation with the administrators, Narumi chose not to speak to her, instead preferring to keep himself in his room and think things through. He's been in the school for almost all his life, and he knows that what happened was only a prelude to the many conflicts that the Academy can stir.
She seems to have understood his isolation, and in those three days she kept her distance, seeming to be engaged in some sort of deliberation herself. She is worried for both of them – he sees it clearly in her tired eyes; but still her smile is unfaltering and her care for him genuine, with an unparalleled faith that he's never ever seen.
How stubborn, he thinks, just then realizing how much she trusts him. And so he smiles, no matter how faintly, when he finally walks up to her on the fourth evening, because for all his life he will remember that at some point in time, someone trusted him with all her heart.
We need to talk, he tells her.
About what?
The truth, he tells her, the fatal word sounding like a lie from his lips. It took him three agonizing nights to reconcile himself with the decision he has long made, and it's almost funny how effortless he says it now; like it doesn't mean anything and there are no hearts to be won or lost once the die is cast.
There is a moment of silence; the only sound the gentle slush of the water and the cool gust of wind around them. He meets her gaze squarely, fighting the urge to pull her close and tell her everything is all right and nothing has changed.
Because he knows it's too late, and so he holds out his hand to her instead, the dark rings around his fingers gleaming ominously under the orange lights from a nearby lamppost.
The truth, she repeats softly, like it's the biggest lie she's ever heard, and he's the biggest liar she's ever seen.
'You can't expect the truth from someone who lives a lie,' he once told her, and as he watches her nod her assent, he wonders if she remembers.
۞۞۞
He has always known that they will have to say goodbye.
Farewells have always been a part of his life; his alice more than made sure of this. He's known this ever since he was seven years old, and it's because of this that he's always kept himself from being too close. Farewells hurt, and they burn; because although they do not inflict physical pain, they leave him in anguish, terrified of the next beginning that will always have the same ending.
(It's so lonely, he sometimes muses, and wonders how this can be, when he's with so many who adore him and fall at his feet.)
He doesn't want to say goodbye; not to the one person who confessed her love for him without reservation. She's the most precious thing he's ever had in his lifetime, and it will kill him to bid her farewell; but it's exactly because he cares for her so much that he'll let her go.
A long time ago, before meeting her, he swore he would keep her to himself, no matter how selfish, once he finds her. Perhaps he's always been so naïve, because he actually thought he could. After all, what use is a damning alice like the human pheromone if it can't even make him protect the one person who means to him the most?
You are a fool, the administrators told him, with a dark, mocking chuckle that ensured nothing but harm for her. He is a fool, and Alice Academy is cruel; there is no way they will let him keep her, or let her keep him. The Academy does not need him sidetracked by anything, or anyone. He is too valuable to be lost, and most definitely not to her – 'this little distraction that has kept you enchanted for so long'.
The Academy takes its business more seriously than it lets on, and Narumi knows all too well that they will find a way to get her out of their way. His decision had to be made, and quick, for her sake and perhaps, for him and what remains of his sanity.
(I'm so weak.)
He lets her trace the contours of his face with her fingers, watching her hand tremble as she does. Do you love me? he asks, before he has the chance to falter. The words come out strong and steady, but he's unable to keep the sad smile from falling on his lips.
He watches as her eyes grow wide, perhaps in surprise and a sudden comprehension of the reason he wanted her to understand, for the rings on his fingers. She stops, and parts her lips to speak, only to sputter when her answer – her love for him – refuse to be uttered.
There is a long, stunned silence, like all the world is soundless and unspeaking; and in that swift second, everything shatters before her eyes. There is a flicker of uncertainty in them, like a traitorous poison to her faith; and Narumi sighs, with dark relief, until she raises her gaze to him again and asks:
What's happening?
She gasps, looking horrified as the doubt finally settles in her heart, and pulls away from him. She is unsteady on her feet, confused as she catches her breath, and while she turns away to gather herself, he steps back, throwing a dark look at the elaborately fashioned rings that suddenly feel heavier than they should.
He narrows his eyes, shifting his gaze from her to the adornment on his fingers, asking the same question that she has. You – he starts, only to stop when she looks back to where he is, and pauses at the expression in her eyes, like her own soul has been broken into a tiny million pieces.
Narumi, she says, her voice coming out as a hoarse, strained gasp, like there are so many things that she needs to say but can't.
He clenches a quivering hand at his side, furious with himself for the hesitation that almost takes over him. It's all right, he reassures her, grimly and softly, because this is all he can do for the person who's the most important to him in the world. I've temporarily sealed off my alice.
He gives her a small, empty smile; and utters the worst lie he's ever spoken in his life.
This is the truth.
۞۞۞
No. It can't be, Narumi.
Narumi watches her shake her head, unwilling to believe what he just told her. What about when they were speaking to me? she asks, her chest heaving as a wild play of emotions showed in her eyes, her features hard and determined. You weren't there – !
I was there, he cuts off, fighting the urge to pull her in an embrace and tell her everything is fine. I was watching from the other side of the mirror and – he almost chokes, realizing the pain that each word he says is causing her, and it's taking a lot of her strength to keep her will from breaking – I couldn't stop my alice.
He manages a small, dead smile. You answered as you had, because of the human pheromone alice.
From where he stands, he watches as her heart breaks, like a fragile looking glass – looking just as broken he used to be, many years before they meet; and he curses himself for letting himself get too close to her, and for letting her go through this suffering, even if it's for her own sake.
She takes a tentative step towards him, clutching a hand over her chest, like every stride closer to him worsens her torment. No, he manages to choke out, suddenly unsure what to do as he watches her battle with herself – a stubborn refusal to accept what has been said. She stops a few paces away from where he is, biting her lip, like everything is so painfully untrue.
She looks up at him, and for a brief moment before she shuts her tearful eyes close, he makes out a flash of sudden, almost understanding –
She is fighting it.
In what seems like a small eternity, Narumi can only stand there, his violet eyes suddenly wide with alarm.
'You can't expect the truth from someone who lives a lie,' he once told her, and as he closes the distance between them to wrap her in a traitorous embrace, realizes that she remembers.
I'm sorry, he whispers against her ears, staring blankly at the dark rings on his fingers as he pulls her closer, and for the last time. He feels her shoulders slacken under his hold, her ragged gasps easing into calmer, shallow breaths, until finally she laughs – an empty, hollow laughter that prompts him to hold her much closer, and tighter; realizing that the human pheromone alice isn't as potent as he or anyone else thinks it is.
She knows – he thinks almost frantically to himself, closing his eyes as she shakes her head against his chest. He takes a long, deep breath in an attempt to calm down, suddenly finding himself torn between giving a miserable laugh and shedding the tears that have been held for far too long within himself.
– but there is nothing she can do about it.
(The human pheromone alice is absolute.)
"You love me because of my alice," he finally says, the words making him cringe with both fury and anguish for what he has chosen and done.
I'm so weak.
She throws her arms around his neck, clinging to him helplessly as she trembles, and buries her face in his chest as she cries.
۞۞۞
Three minutes before midnight, Narumi finds himself standing in front of his room – a grand, expensive waste of space on someone who is no more than a hollow shell of a man. He enters, the shoulders that have been proud and unyielding throughout the day finally slumping as he leans against the closed door, defeated by a tragedy that can no longer be undone.
He stands unmoving for a while, letting his eyes grow accustomed to the darkness that has fallen over the room. Outside, the leaves stir against the midnight breeze, their dancing shadows a mockery of the happiness that he has thrown away.
I want to be the only truth to you, when everything, everyone else is a lie, she promised, a long time ago; when everything was right and he believed he could protect her – from the Academy, from all those who want him dead, and from the most formidable enemy that is no other than himself and his alice.
I'm sorry, he whispers to the darkness, sliding down against the door as he trembles with a torrent of emotion that has been kept on leash for so long. He is exhausted, his eyes burning with unwilling tears, feeling like his heart has torn itself free of his chest.
Because it hurts, more viciously than he could have imagined; and yet there remains nothing to be done but carry on like nothing has happened and like no hearts have been broken. He is sorry – he is so very sorry that he betrayed her trust, that he couldn't be strong enough to be equally true to the only person who promised to be true and the truth to him.
You answered as you had, because of my alice, he told her; the one person who stubbornly befriended him despite his reputation, who defied his alice with a smug smile, and who willingly swore to him a love that challenged both his alice and his fate.
He stares down at his hands, scoffing at the seven dark rings on his fingers – these perfect, meaningless imitation of alice inhibiters – and removes each and every single one of them, like cleansing himself of all his lies.
You love me because of my alice, he said to her.
But this was a lie, because he is Narumi, and he is a liar.
liar.
Snippet #18 was a brief glance at Narumi's alice and its consequences; it was meant to be bittersweet and tragic. Even when I relented to write sequel snippets to it (#19-#21), my only concern was to draw it out long enough for the heartbreak to last (no pun intended). A happy conclusion hardly seems to suit it, hence this ending.
I love Narumi, and like all of you I would love to see him end happily with someone. However, I wanted to balance this with the canon circumstances; I wanted to give everyone a glimpse of what could have happened at one point in his life, because of both his alice and the Academy, the choices that he made, and why he made them.
Narumi was wearing seven rings – one for each deadly sin. :)
Review or PM me if you have questions. See you next snippet!
Hilaire
07.17.11