Chapter Twenty
Castiel feels himself start to stir, warm heat pressed against him, an arm around his waist, another hand at the back of his neck. He feels warm breath on the top of his head, Dean's warm breath and last night comes flooding back to him. He had told Dean. And Dean hadn't pushed him away. His brain can't even fully comprehend how that had happened, how Dean hadn't forced out answers from Castiel but had held him instead, slept with him, had told him he loved him. Castiel certainly didn't deserve an amazing being like Dean.
"Cas, you awake?" Dean mutters softly.
Castiel thinks about pretending to be asleep but he knows that at some point he's going to have to face what Dean has to say and he would much rather just do it now than later. He forces his eyes open, squinting at the light, pressing himself back into Dean's chest.
"Hey Cas," Dean whispers, kissing Castiel on the forehead.
"Hello," Castiel murmurs, unsure of what to say after the night before because so much had happened, so much had changed.
"You slept," Dean states, his hand stroking Castiel's hair and Castiel realises that it is yet another lie that has been found out. After all this, he wouldn't be surprised if Dean never believes a word he has to say.
"Sam is in the shower?" Castiel asks slowly, ignoring what Dean had said, faintly hearing water fall in the bathroom. He had heard Sam come back to the room last night and Castiel had wondered whether he should leave, that Dean wouldn't want Sam to know of what they had done, but Dean's arms had been tight around him. Most of all, he didn't want to leave, not really, so he had stayed where he was.
"Yeah," Dean nods, pressing his lips against Castiel's.
"Okay," Castiel murmurs, Dean's lips brushing against his as he speaks.
Dean kisses his him again and says softly, "I think me and you need to talk Cas but not when my brother is in the other room."
Castiel nods wearily, knowing that they do need to talk about this, that Dean has every right to know everything. That still doesn't change the fact that Castiel really doesn't want to have the conversation.
"I'm going to get some clothes on before my little brother gets out of the shower," Dean smiles, untangling himself from Castiel and throwing on a t-shirt and sweats, "You might want to do the same Cas."
Castiel just lies there and watches Dean rummage in his bag for clothes he can wear for the day. It's easy at this moment to pretend everything is okay, that they are just a normal couple on a road trip, where the apocalypse doesn't hang heavy over their heads, one of their deaths imminent. He just wishes it was like that, wishes they were just a normal human couple that had nothing to worry about. But that would be selfish, completely so, because then there would be no one to stop Lucifer and they would die anyway.
At least they would die together.
The door to the bathroom opens and Castiel uses his grace to make him fully clothed, perching on the edge of the bed, staring at the empty wall. He hears a noise of surprise from Sam but he doesn't say anything, just walks to his own bed, the clinking of guns being moved around disturbing the air.
"I'm just gonna go in the shower," Dean tells the room, holding clothes to his chest as he makes his way to the bathroom, giving Castiel a quick glance.
"I'll go then," Castiel says.
"No!" Dean reaches out and grabs his arm, "Just stay here Cas, I'll be as quick as I can okay? Just- Don't go anywhere."
Castiel gulps but nods all the same, knowing that he can't run away from this. Dean stares at him for a while until he lets go of his arm and turns and goes into the bathroom. There are a few minutes of silence until Sam drops the guns to the bed and stands near Castiel.
"Hey Cas, everything is okay, right?" Sam asks.
"Yes, everything is fine," Castiel lies.
"So, you and Dean, you're okay?" Sam asks softly.
"Yes."
"Okay and you're not- you're not having second thoughts about trying to summon Gabriel right? Or worrying about me and Dean because we'll be fine Cas," Sam pats Castiel's shoulder, obviously trying to soothe Castiel's mind.
Castiel sighs, "I know you will be."
"Okay, just remember that I'm always here to talk if you know-" Sam trails off and shrugs awkwardly, letting his hand fall back to his side, walking back to his bed and going back to sorting out his weapons.
"I'll remember that Sam, thank you," Castiel smiles thinly at Sam and then lets his eyes train back to the wall.
A calm silence envelops the room, the only sound being Dean in the shower. Castiel feels himself hating himself even more as he sits in the room with Sam, knowing that he is the reason that he will one day lose his brother. It's made all the worse that Sam treats him like an equal, a friend, someone that he is here for.
Dean walks out of the shower in a fresh t-shirt and jeans, hair still dripping slightly, water trailing down the back of his neck. Castiel looks up at him to see the worry in Dean's eyes.
Dean tears his eyes away from Castiel to settle on Sam, muttering, "Uh, Sam, would you mind-"
"I'm going to go get some breakfast," Sam offers, grabbing his coat.
"Thanks Sammy," Dean forces a smile as Sam pulls on his boots, grabs his jacket and leaves the motel room, a short 'bye' before he shuts the door behind him.
Dean sighs and sits next to Castiel on the bed, wrapping his fingers around Castiel's, "Okay Cas, talk to me."
"I don't know whether I can," Castiel says honestly, realising how weak he sounds, how weak he has become.
"Okay Cas, let's start with something a little easier," Dean squeezes his hand, "So you sleep now."
Castiel nods "Yes, for a while now. I don't need as much sleep as humans do to survive but I can sleep every night if I choose to."
"Why didn't you tell me Cas?" Dean asks softly before nudging him, "You know I would have been happy to share a bed with you."
Castiel can't help but smile at that, tracing patters on Dean's hand with his fingers before frowning, "I'm not sure why I didn't tell you. I just- I didn't want you to know how far I'd fallen. I didn't want to be a burden."
"Cas, even if you lost all your grace, your wings, everything, you would never be a burden. Stuff like this, we get together and work through it, that's what families do Cas," Dean sighs, kissing the nape of Castiel's neck.
"Families?" Castiel asks faintly.
"Yeah," Dean murmurs, "So is sleep all you need or do you need to eat as well?"
"No, I don't have a need to eat yet but I have acquired a taste for certain foods."
"Burgers better be one of them," Dean grins, "Or I swear I'll disown you."
Castiel lets out a short laugh, "Burgers are one of my favourites yes."
"Good," Dean smiles, kissing the corner of Castiel's mouth, squeezing Castiel's hand, murmuring, "Now about- about the other thing."
"You mean you," Castiel sighs.
"Yeah, about me, well future me or whatever you want to call him," Dean shrugs, his voice softening, "I was sent back here? By angels I'm guessing?"
"Yes, I did question which angels and why but you wouldn't tell me," Castiel says, "I still don't understand why they would send you back even now, you didn't seem to be doing any angel's work, you were just saving us all."
"Superman right?" Dean smiles faintly, "So was I the one who saved Sammy from the werewolf? Stopped you from going into that warehouse with all those demons?"
"Yes, you helped us many times," Castiel smiles tiredly.
"And you and him, you were- you were together right?" Dean asks, seeming to accept all this information so easily.
"Not at first, but eventually yes," Castiel admits.
"Okay," Dean nods, his voice becoming rough and pained when he asks, "So what- how did I- fuck, how did I die Cas?"
Castiel shudders, finding himself struggling to breath all over again but he feels Dean's hand squeeze his and it's like an anchor, that and those green trusting eyes, holding him together, stopping him from losing it.
"It was Lucifer," Castiel whispers.
"Lucifer?"
"It was my fault, Lucifer tricked me. He called me pretending to be you, said you were in danger and I- I fell for it. It was just, he was in the same place that future you was in and I didn't think Dean, I just didn't think, so I went to that warehouse thinking I needed to save you but it was Lucifer, not you. And Lucifer was- he was killing me Dean but then you sauntered in, like you always do, and then he forgot about me and put all his focus on you and he- he killed you Dean, he killed you and it was all my fault, all of it," Castiel feels himself beginning to lose control, tears making tracks down his cheeks.
"Hey it's not your fault Cas, not your fault," Dean murmurs, pulling Castiel into him, resting his chin on the top of Castiel's head, "You were just trying to save me."
Castiel shakes his head because this is his fault, Dean doesn't know what he's saying, he's just trying to comfort Castiel and he shouldn't even be doing that because he is the reason he's dead and Dean should hate him, should push him away. He shouldn't be trying to comfort him. He doesn't deserve this.
Dean coaxes him from his chest, his fingers curling around Castiel's cheeks, pressing their foreheads together, his eyes boring into Castiel's, "Listen to me Cas; this is not your fault, okay?"
"You don't mean that, you can't," Castiel shuts his eyes tightly, shivering.
"Yes I do, I mean every word because this isn't your fault. This was Lucifer, not you Cas and you need to remember that. I fucking love you Cas and you need to listen to me, I don't blame you because this was not your fault."
Castiel looks at Dean, sees nothing but truth in them and asks slowly, his voice quiet, "You don't hate me?"
"Didn't you listen, I love you Cas and nothing's going to change that, not even me fucking dying, so stop thinking otherwise."
"I love you Dean, so much," Castiel throws his arms around Dean, burying his face in Dean's neck. Dean lets his arms drape around Castiel's waist, sighing heavily.
"So, Lucifer kills me in a warehouse huh?" Dean murmurs.
"Yes, in a warehouse not far from Bobby's cabin," Castiel whispers.
"Was that when you turned up here with the colt? When you said it didn't work?" Dean asks softly. Castiel only nods in reply, wanting this conversation to be over now because he can't talk about this anymore. But then he realises what he has just done and pulls back from Dean in horror.
"Cas, what is it?"
"You wouldn't have known," Castiel says aghast.
"Known what?" Dean frowns.
"You wouldn't have known where to be or what day if I hadn't just told you. If I hadn't have said anything there would have been no way for you to know to be there at that warehouse on that day and you wouldn't have died," Castiel shakes his head, tears forming in his eyes again, hysteria taking a hold of him, "By telling you, I've just killed you. This is all my fault; I might as well have killed you myself."
Dean forces Castiel to look at him, holding his gaze, "Hey, hey, what did I say about blaming yourself huh? And if you hadn't have told me I would have found out some other way. I would have just have asked Chuck instead and he would have told me and if not, I'd have put a gun to his head till he did. You telling me when and where it happens doesn't force me to walk in there and get myself killed, that's on me, that's my choice, my choice to save you. And when the angels force me back in time I will fucking do it again Cas, not because you told me that's what happens, because it's what I will choose to do. So don't you fucking think that by telling me you have somehow signed my death warrant, that's on me, not you. Okay?"
"But Dean-" Castiel starts to reply because even after Dean's speech he still knows that it's his fault. He is the one who managed to get trapped by Lucifer, he is the one who had just blurted it out to Dean, telling him exactly where he needs to be to die, this is on him no matter what Dean says.
"No, don't 'but Dean' me. Don't you get it Cas? I will fucking die for you and Sam, I will and I'll do it over and over if I have to because I am not going to let either of you die Cas, not on my watch. And if that means I have to die for you both then so be it. And I don't give a fuck how selfish or fucked up that is okay because me being selfish is going to keep you and Sam alive. And don't for one fucking second pretend you wouldn't do the same for me because you turning around and saying you wish you hadn't told me where it happens is basically you saying that you would prefer to die, to die instead of me so how is that any different to me choosing to die for you?" Dean shouts, his eyes watering but no tears escaping down his cheeks, "There is no difference Cas and you need to understand that."
"Dean," Castiel croaks because he doesn't know what to say, to know that someone out there is willing to die for you, is comparing you to his brother, someone that Dean has loved since he was four years old.
"When Raphael killed you, when you died so I could get to Sam, do you blame me for it?" Dean blurts out.
"No, of course not, it was my decision," Castiel gulps, realising he is playing to what Dean is telling him but he can't lie to him.
"And what about you falling, do you blame me for that, think that I should feel guilty?" Dean asks softly.
"No," Castiel answers automatically because it had been his own choice, all of it.
"Exactly Cas, so why are you blaming yourself for my decisions?" Dean sighs, his whole body deflating and he reaches forward to stroke Castiel's cheek softly, "I just wish you wouldn't blame yourself Cas... But I get it, I mean; I blamed myself when Sam died. I felt so fucking guilty about it when I shouldn't have, because it hadn't been my fault, not really but I just- I couldn't help but blame myself completely, you know? And you know what happened to me because I blamed myself even when it hadn't been my fault? I went to Hell. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't take it back for a second because me going to Hell was worth my brother staying alive but listen to me, you blaming yourself isn't going to help anybody, it's only going to break you, break us, so just promise me that you'll try and not feel guilty about this. Promise me Cas."
Castiel gulps, then nods, "Yes, I'll try."
"Okay baby, all you can do is try for me," Dean kisses his forehead, Castiel leaning towards his touch.
"We're supposed to be summoning Gabriel," Castiel says into the silence, wanting to change the subject, willing for Dean to follow him.
"We can summon him tomorrow," Dean shrugs, lightly wiping away the remaining tears on Castiel's cheeks with his thumb, "Nothing is going to change in a day and I don't think we should be summoning an archangel when we're not at our best, doesn't make sense Cas."
"Okay, we can summon him tomorrow instead then," Castiel smiles thinly.
"Let's go to the diner and tell Sam that we're doing it tomorrow instead," Dean seems to hesitate before saying, "We can't tell Sam about what happens to me because I know him, he'll try and stop it and me going back and saving your asses and me dying, it's all already happened. It can't be changed so Sam would be just trying to stop something that's happened already and I remember what it did to him when he couldn't get me out of my Hell deal and I'm not going to make him go through that shit again. It's just easier for him to not know, at least for now anyway, so we don't tell Sam okay?"
"We don't tell Sam," Castiel says tightly.
"Come on then," Dean stands up, hauling Castiel up by the hand, walking to the door before pausing and turning back to Castiel, biting his bottom lip.
"Dean?"
Dean reaches for Castiel's neck and Castiel freezes as Dean pulls the necklace from underneath Castiel's clothing, twisting it around until he finds the clasp. His eyebrows furrow as he undoes it, dropping the ring from the chain into his palm. Dean reaches for Castiel's left hand and gently pushes the ring onto his finger.
"I'm guessing you were only wearing it around your neck cause I couldn't see it right? Well now you can wear it like it's supposed to be worn," Dean smiles.
"What about Sam?" Castiel asks, staring at his newly decorated hand, the silver glinting in the sunlight that's shining through the window.
"Oh please, Sam probably won't even notice and even if he does he won't say anything, he's trying to be 'respectful of our relationship'," Dean rolls his eyes but smiles affectionately, showcasing one of his special 'Sam Smiles'.
"Thank you Dean," Castiel smiles
"You're welcome Cas. Now I don't know about you but after that I'm fucking starving so let's go get some food," Dean grins, pulling Castiel by the hand and Castiel can't help but smile when Dean starts raving about how many pancakes he's going to buy them both.