I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close. – Pablo Neruda
Eleanor still doesn't have the heart to tell Tom that she isn't staying at Hogwarts over break. Even as she's planning what to pack and he's planning what to do, she keeps the secret away from him.
There's only a week left before break when Tom plops down next to Eleanor on a sofa she's taken over in the common room. He leans forward, as if he's reading over her shoulder. "I can't wait for break. The first thing I'm going to do is bury you in snow."
She fakes a tight smile, "Sure."
His eyebrows furrow as he whispers, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"I can tell that isn't true."
Eleanor bites her lip, avoiding his eager eyes as she says, "I'm not going to be here during break."
Tom scowls, "Where are you going to be?"
"With Aiden," she barely squeaks out.
"No," he almost growls.
"They said I had to Tom," Eleanor says, knowing it will hurt so much more if she admits she actually wants to.
But of course Tom sees right through her excuse. "And I talked to Dippet. He said you didn't have to. I told you this two weeks ago."
"I'm going anyway Tom."
"No, you are not. Not even over my dead body."
"How are you going to stop me?"
"I'll …" he stops, knowing he can't threaten her again. He can't let this undo everything. He was so close. They were so close. He just needed that extra few weeks with her to bring them together the way he wanted them to be. "I'll think of something."
Tom stands abruptly, striding briskly away. Can't let her see him angry again, after all this time when he'd actually managed to control his emotions.
Eleanor packs a day before the train leaves. Anticipating Tom's continued disapproval, she hides her stuff in her dorm just in case he attempts to sabotage her plans. He's successful despite her precautions. He must have gotten someone in her dorm to steal her things, because all of her trunks are gone when she comes back from classes.
They had never really resolved the issue of whether she could go or not. He had continued to be adamant about her not being allowed to go, but she continued to remind him that he no longer controlled her life. She should have known he would find some way to stop her. After all, in her own personal solar system, Tom was the sun – he held her close to him, controlling her orbit. When he was happy it could light up her whole world, that tiny little planet that she inhabited which paled in comparison to his great mind.
There was an hour left before the train departed, and she had absolutely none of her belongings. She almost started crying, realizing she couldn't go like this. Instead, she walked over to the Gryffindor common room. Students were milling around in front of the portrait, and she asked one where Rose was. The first-year let Eleanor into the common room, where Rose was sitting with George. Eleanor asked where Aiden was. When Rose said he was at quidditch practice and wouldn't be back until the last minute, her face fell.
"What's wrong?" Rose asked, sweet as always.
"I can't go."
"Riddle?" Rose asks knowingly, cocking an eyebrow.
"He hid all of my stuff. Even the clothes I didn't pack. There's some things laying around, everything I was planning to pack last minute. But I don't even have one dress. There's no chance in hell he'll tell me where it all is before the train leaves."
Rose stands and starts walking toward the staircase to the girl's dorms, "Follow me."
She leads Eleanor up to her room. Rose opens her wardrobe, revealing drawers filled with jeans and two rows of hangers holding dresses and tops.
"There are some trunks on the floor. You look about my size."
"Are you sure about this?"
"Yeah, I'd love to help you. Besides, it's not like I'll need any of it while I'm cooped up here studying. The only person I'll see is Ryan, and it's not like he cares what I look like. Take whatever you need."
"I mean … Tom will make sure you regret it if he finds out."
"I don't think he could make me regret it, as long as you promise me you'll end up under the mistletoe with Aiden at least once," she jokes.
Eleanor laughs, "Thank you so much, but I don't think I'd be able to hold that one up."
"Oh, I'm not worried. I'm sure George will make it a reality anyway. Now do you need some help packing?"
After everything's packed up, Rose says she'll take care of the trunks and make sure they get down to the train so Eleanor doesn't have to worry about Tom hiding those too. Eleanor goes back to the Slytherin common room, knowing she can't leave Tom for a week without saying some kind of goodbye. She finds Tom in his room as usual and asks him to take a walk in the snow. Tom stands, dropping the book he was reading onto his bed. They don't talk again until after they're outside.
"So, I guess you noticed?"
Eleanor nods, "I'm going anyway Tom. I'll wear my school uniforms if I have to."
"You are not going."
"It's only a few weeks." She stops walking under a large oak tree that shields them from the light snow falling. "I'll be back before you know it."
He leans against her, pushing her back against the tree. "No, you won't. I'll feel it the second you're gone. You'll come back different. Hell, you'll probably forget about me and make that obnoxious lion your new best friend."
"I'll write you every day Tom. I promise."
He leans over so his forehead rests against hers. "You won't have to, because you aren't going."
She closes her eyes, afraid to look into his. "I am going. I swear that if you try to stop me from getting on that train, I won't be back for two weeks and I won't write you once."
To her surprise, he kisses her forehead, "Please don't."
She feels something almost as cold as ice fall onto her cheek. As Tom pulls away, Eleanor opens her eyes. After looking at him, she realizes the drop paving a cold trail along her face is one of his tears. He looks into my eyes and kisses her. Once, twice, again and again, each accompanied by more cold droplets and a dejected whispers asking her not to go.
At this point, Eleanor has two options. She either breaks Aiden's heart, or she breaks Tom's. She searches desperately for a middle ground.
"I'll be back in a week, okay? You'll still get to spend two whole weeks with me."
"You could spend the whole three weeks with me."
She shakes her head, "Tom, I promise things aren't going to be worse when I come back. I promise I'll write you. I promise we'll do everything we did before. Snowball fights, hot cocoa by the common room fireplace, making snow angels, exchanging gifts, everything."
"I don't want you to go. Anywhere. Ever. No matter for how long. I don't know what I'm going to do without you."
"Just read, do homework, relax. Time will fly."
"No, it won't. Time will slowly cripple along while I spend every agonizing second wondering what you're doing."
"It'll be fine," she kisses him to try to reassure him. If there's one way she knows to make Tom feel better, it's to make him secure in knowing that she will always care about him most. And here's her most ultimate sacrifice to him – herself. She hopes giving him this little piece of affection that she knows he needs will make it a little easier for him to let her go.
Because if she sees the old Tom again, if he tries to curse her or hits her or worse in an attempt to make her stay, she's not sure she'll be held in his orbit much longer. If she has to feel his hand around her throat taking away all her air again, or wince through another unforgivable curse, she knows she won't come back. No matter how much she cares about him. And she knows that, fundamentally, would destroy anything left in Tom that isn't cruel and controlling.
As their lips are moving away from each other again, a snowball hits his arm, wrapped around her waist. They both look up quickly, but can't see anyone. Suddenly, she gets a bright idea for a little fun to lighten the mood.
Eleanor leans down and gathers a snowball with her hands. Tom looks at her suspiciously, "You wouldn't dare throw that thing at me right now."
She stands up with the snowball sitting in her hands, "Maybe I would."
He does wordless and wandless magic, making the snow roll itself into a ball that floats into his hands. "If you would, maybe I would too."
They both throw the snowballs at each other at exactly the same moment. Her's hits his chest, his hits her leg. She laughs and reaches up to take the snow off of his shirt. While she does so, he secretly conjures another snowball and surprises her by bashing it against her back. She shivers and then runs to hide behind the tree, conjuring a few more snowballs for "defensive" purposes.
By the time their snowball fight is over, they are laying in the snow, clothes covered with flakes of white. Tom fell down on top of her in an attempt to tackle her out of her position behind the tree. He rolled over so now she's laying on top of him as he runs his hands up and down her arms in an attempt to warm her up. Her head lays on his chest, her eyes closed. Instead of staying on her arms, one of his hands wanders up. He runs a finger down her chin, hand wandering until he pulls out the pendant of the necklace she's wearing. It's a locket he gave her last Christmas, with a picture of them inside. He stares at it for a while before putting it down.
"Hot chocolate?" Tom asks.
Eleanor looks down at her watch, "I don't have time."
She attempts to get up, but he keeps his arms tightly around her. "Stay, at least for a few more minutes."
He rolls over again, tucking her under him and kissing her again.
Eleanor gets on the train on time, but only through much begging. Like Rose had said, all her trunks were already waiting in the same compartment where Aiden and George were sitting. The second she walked in George looked over at her and raised an eyebrow, "Have fun with Tom? Kissing in the snow. Quite romantic."
Eleanor looked away, ignoring his judgment as she sat down next to Aiden, who leans over to her and whispers, "I wish you'd just hit him."
"Sometimes, I do too," she says, blushing, but she doesn't think they're talking about the same person.
Eleanor looks out of the large window on the opposite wall from the door to the compartment. Tom was standing there, looking straight into the window as if he just instinctively knew where she was. She pulls a journal out of her bag, identical to the one Tom is holding. Tom had given it to her right before she had left. Whatever one person wrote in one journal, the other could see in their journal. It was like conducting a conversation on paper.
Be safe. I love you, was scrawled across the first page in his perfect handwriting.
I will. I love you too. Please don't spend every day alone just waiting for me to come back.
How else am I supposed to spend my days?
She smiles down at what could actually be construed as a sweet statement.
Why don't you read? I left you a bunch of my books.
Eleanor spies a smirk on his face as he writes, holding his notebook against his arm and scribbling in a much messier way than he usually would as he stands on the train platform.
Actually, you technically left me all of your books. Not to mention clothes, homework, and everything else. I'm actually not sure if I'll give any of it back.
And where are you going to keep it? In your room, where I often sleep?
I have a few other ideas. Darling, don't we have more important things to discuss? Like the rules for this little bother of yours?
We never even agreed there would be…
Aiden leans over suddenly, "What's that?"
Eleanor shuts the journal quickly, slamming the covers together. If Aiden only knew … well, hopefully he never did. "Just my diary."
He looks away, seemingly bored, as the train begins to move. She opens the journal again to see one last comment from Tom.
I'll have your rules written in here by tomorrow. You are to follow them to the word. There is to be no argument about what the rules are. Be safe and don't forget.
For the two of us, home isn't a place. It is a person. – Stephanie Perkins
A/N: A very short chapter as I work on adding a few parts to the next one, including a look inside Tom's head, as a few reviewers asked for, and scenes to flush out Aiden's character a bit more. That should be ready relatively soon, as long as I don't get writer's block.
Hey, you know what would help with that? Reviewing! But really, I hope those of you still holding onto this very-slow-to-update story will keep me posted on your thoughts. I honestly do love to hear them and try to consider them when writing future chapters. Also, sorry if there are a lot of grammar mistakes in this one, didn't have the chance to read it over again before posting :/
Please review if you have any questions/comments. And no excuses, because you can submit anonymous reviews! Thank you for reading :)