Chapter 21

"What did it mean for a person to be free? Even if you managed to escape from one cage, weren't you just in another, larger one?"—Haruki Murakami; 1Q84

Holly was drowning. The surface of the lake wavered in distorted fractures above, glowing orange and gold as flames ravaged the town. The water was clouded red with the blood pouring from her mouth. She watched the red liquid expand into little curling clouds in the water. The building pain in the back of her throat sharpened every detail, but she was unable to scream.

She couldn't move. She was too weak. Something was dragging her further into the water, into the darkness, and she couldn't resist it. Perhaps it was better if she didn't…

A faint light caught her attention, shining through the murky water above and almost blinding her. It was not the dull, flickering light of a fire, but a white, steady light. It was fading quickly, or perhaps she was losing her vision.

Someone was calling her name. She wanted to reach out to whomever it was, but she couldn't move her arms. Why couldn't she move her arms?

Oh, just die already, a voice growled out from somewhere below her. I'm sure you'll find it quite enjoyable. No one will bother you ever again. You can leave all your friends behind, like you have a tendency to do…

No. She could not die, she would not, when her friends could still be in danger. She had to protect them.

It took every ounce of willpower she had to keep fighting. Every stroke, every movement toward the surface sent waves of agony through her body.

You will never make it, the voice hissed. You are weak, mortal, useless.

This only spurred her on to reach the light above. Perhaps she could not wield a sword or win a battle, but Holly was not weak. She had fought every second to regain control and consciousness. And in that split second before the dragon's death, she had regained it. If she wanted something, she would find a way to obtain it.

And at the moment, she wanted to survive.

Holly reached out, fingertips brushing the surface of the water. The voice increased its volume, snarling something at her but she paid it no heed, and finally she was able to take a breath of air—

The ringing in her ears was unbearable. Holly rolled over onto her side and coughed until her eyes watered to try and get rid of the burning sensation in her throat.

"Lass? Can you hear me?" Bofur's voice came somewhere off to the side. "Nod once if you can, nod twice if you can't."

"How would I be able to answer if I couldn't hear you?" Holly croaked, slumping onto her back again.

"Oh, she's fine." That was Fili's voice.

Holly pushed herself into a sitting position with shaking arms. They were sitting on the banks of the Long Lake. All around them, people were calling out the names of their family or pleading for help. People from Laketown, she realized. And the bitter taste in the air was that of smoke. "W-What happened?"

"You fainted again, when we were going back to Bard's," Bofur explained.

"Are you sure you don't get dizzy spells, lass?" Oin broke in. Somehow he had still managed to keep his ear trumpet.

She hugged her knees to her chest. Clearly they hadn't forgotten the last time that had happened. A few days ago, she would have cringed at the thought. But now dizzy spells seemed a rather fortunate condition compared to being possessed by a dragon. "No, I don't. I'm...not sure what happened." Holly looked up and narrowed her eyes. The others were looking at her as though they thought she might pass out again. "Why are you all doing that?"

"You stopped breathing, lass," Bofur answered in a softer tone. "We didn't know what to do."

"I…" Holly tried to remember what had happened after she had blacked out, and the memory felt like a blow to her stomach. Bilbo, the dragon, the gold, the black arrow...It hadn't been a dream.

Smaug was dead. And through her hazy disorientation, she could feel it. A hollow, echoing absence had opened up inside of her. An empty room where someone had once lived. And as much as having a dragon in her head had been terrifying, and inconvenient, and probably physically and mentally unhealthy...Smaug had been there for nearly everything she had ever experienced. And now that he wasn't...

Holly didn't feel liberated. She felt lost.

"We should get moving," Fili announced, breaking her from her thoughts. "If we start now we can reach the mountain by this afternoon."

Holly stood up with the others, hastily wiping her eyes. A warm, pulsing sensation had begun in the lower right side of her chest, but she ignored it. There was quite a few other things she had to sort through. For now, she just wanted to get to the mountain. She wanted to see Bilbo, and apologize to him.

"Are you all right?"

She turned to Fili, who had asked the question. The others were still staring at her.

Holly opened her mouth to reply a habitual, "I'm fine," but paused. The familiar urge to conceal her emotions, and construct a facade of not feeling had completely broken down. "I don't know," she replied honestly. That was all she could manage at the moment.

It would take a while to sort out her feelings about what had happened and how it had affected her. But whatever had changed when Smaug had died...it was permanent, Holly concluded as a light rain began to fall.
…

They had taken a boat across the lake—whoever had owned it would not be needing it any time soon. The dragon had reduced Laketown to a skeletal structure of crumbling ash and swirling debris. There was nothing left for its former inhabitants to return to.

No trace of Smaug remained either, Holly mused as she stared at the far-off wreckage of the town, merely a black smear on the glassy surface of the lake. They'd stopped for a short rest halfway up the slopes of the mountain. As the sun rose further into the sky, it illuminated the clouds of ash floating corpselike in the water. The dragon had been completely swallowed up by the lake.

Again, the realization came to her, resolute and unyielding, though she still struggled to grasp it. Smaug was dead...and she had made it out alive against all odds.

Perhaps what disturbed her was that the dragon had chosen to attack Laketown despite what Damon had said. By killing her, Smaug would have sealed his own fate as well. Why would he make such a careless decision? She would never know, because the dragon was dead.

She had yet to discover why that bothered her so much. Hadn't she wanted the dragon to die?

Yes, if it meant that her friends lived. And they had lived. She would see them soon.

So why did it feel as though she'd lost something?

"Holly. Holly."

She turned. The others stood farther up the slope, and judging by Fili's tone, they'd been trying to get her attention for quite a while.

"Right. Sorry," Holly mumbled as she stood. "We're moving on, then?"

"Yes." Fili and the others waited patiently for her to catch up.

She appreciated that act of consideration. And perhaps she should start returning the favor, she realized, after all the concern they had shown for her. "How's your leg?" she asked Kili as they began walking.

"Better. Much better." The Kingsfoil had helped heal him, and the orcs had been fought off without anyone dying. There had been something about elves too, though that may have been her imagination. Holly had been too preoccupied when they had explained this to her to listen to any of the details.

"I can walk just fine," Kili continued in response to Fili's half-doubtful glance. "We didn't need to stop and rest."

"That was Morgul venom, lad," Oin admonished. "You're lucky to be alive."
"Morgul venom?" Holly's eyes widened. Kili was indeed lucky to be alive. The substance in and of itself could very well be considered a death sentence. It was extremely difficult cure, if one managed to find help in time for that. She looked back at the lake again. "Well, that is ironic…"

"What is?"

"I remember reading somewhere that dragon blood could be used to alleviate the effects of Morgul poison. Not that we could have used Smaug's blood anyway, seeing as he's...at the bottom of the lake." A strange sort of heaviness settled over her. "It probably isn't true anyway." Both the blood and the venom were extremely rare, so it was unlikely that anyone would have been able to test that theory.

"Don't worry about the people of Laketown," Fili said, causing her to turn back to the group. "Thorin will help them rebuild."

Oh. They thought she was upset over the destruction of Laketown and the death of its people. It wasn't that ludicrous of an assumption, seeing as that had been her home town. And she did keep staring off in that general direction.

But Holly no longer considered that home. Even before she had joined the Company, she had long since given up belonging with the people of the lake. What happened to them no longer concerned her. "Rebuilding or no, they'll have to be able to withstand the invasion coming."

Bofur frowned. "Invasion? What makes you say that?"

"Well, people will be looking to the mountain now that the dragon is...gone. And throughout our journey we've managed to anger a mountain full of goblins, a pack of bloodthirsty orcs, and a realm full of wood elves. At least two of the three will try to seek revenge," Holly replied listlessly. "I suppose we will have to prepare for that as well."

Fili nodded. "We'll be ready."

And what she was lacking here, Holly realized, was her usual 'well, obviously…', her confident, brisk tone...she hadn't even looked them in the eyes as she spoke. And the realization struck like a knife to the gut. She really had changed. It was as though Smaug's death had taken something away from who she was.

It was with growing horror that she realized that part of Holly Curuwen might have died along with the dragon.

…

"Thorin, you should eat something. Or at least rest a bit. You've been up all night."

Bilbo's request fell on deaf ears, however, and Thorin continued roaming throughout the mountains of gold, the metal clinking and sliding under his feet.

"There will be time for that later." He had dressed himself in a deep blue robe and a crown, and looked the very image of a king, if a bit dusty. Or he would have, if not for his slightly hunched shoulders and clouded eyes that were a bit too riveted on the surrounding gold. "We need to find the Arkenstone."

"Well, you can't exactly do that if you've dropped dead from exhaustion, can you?"

Thorin finally turned to look at him, and the foreign glint in his eyes made Bilbo's heart drop. All at once, a long-forgotten conversation came back to him, something he should not have heard…

A strain of madness runs deep in that family. His grandfather lost his mind. His father succumbed to the same sickness. Can you swear that Thorin Oakenshield will not also fall?

Elrond had known something about Thorin's family. He had predicted that this would happen, and he had tried to warn Gandalf back in Rivendell.

"Thorin, you look sick. You need rest," Bilbo insisted. Perhaps that wouldn't cure him, but it was a start.

"I will not give up so soon. The Arkenstone is my birthright. We must find it."

The hobbit gave a small huff of irritation. It was as if his words were going in one ear and right out the other. They had been in Erebor for less than a day and the dwarf already seemed like a different person.

Can you swear that Thorin Oakenshield will not also fall?

Gandalf wasn't here to help Thorin, but perhaps Bilbo could. If he could get them all to leave the mountain, and get as far away from the gold as possible, perhaps he could save him.

He started for the upper halls to tell the others what he was going to do, but paused as a familiar voice reached his ears.
Someone—no, several someones—were calling out from near the entrance hall.

Bilbo felt a surge of group they had left in Laketown had survived. But this was almost immediately swallowed by panic. Fili and Kili were part of Durin's line as well. He had to warn them before they could reach the gold.

Bilbo sprinted in the direction of the voices. "Wait!" he called. "Wait! Stop!" He met them on the stairwell and skidded to a halt to avoid ramming straight into the group.

"Bilbo! You're alive!" Bofur exclaimed.

He offered the dwarf a hasty smile. "We need to get out of here. This place—something's not right. Something's very wrong. He won't sleep, he doesn't eat—"

"Who?"

"Thorin," Bilbo snapped, and immediately regretted his tone, but there was no time to dwell on it. "This place has done something to him, and we need to get him out—"

"Where is he?" Fili demanded, and the hobbit scowled as he was interrupted yet again.

"Look, I don't think you should—Fili!" The blond dwarf had already run past him down the staircase, toward the treasure halls. "Fili!"

Bilbo ran back down the stairs after Fili, the others trailing behind him. "Fili, wait!" But he had already reached the hall.

They all came to a halt on a balcony above the piles gold. Fili stood frozen as the others came to stand beside him. Bilbo watched his face with a mixture of concern and anxiety. He didn't know if he could handle two mad dwarves at once. But his eyes held none of the possessiveness that Thorin's had. Instead he seemed...reluctant. Scared, almost.

Then he realized Fili was staring at his uncle, who was still standing among the treasure.

Thorin looked up, taking in their small group. "Gold," he murmured, his low voice carrying across the vast expanse of the hall. "Wealth beyond measure, beyond compare…" The dwarf spread his arms, gazing upon the vast shining piles. Without warning, he snatched up a jewel from a nearby pile and hurled it towards them, its gleaming redness singing through the air. Fili caught it with both hands, eyes still riveted on his uncle.

"Welcome, my sister-sons…to Erebor."

With that, Thorin turned back to his gold, heedless of the disturbed stares he received. And if he heard the small clatter as the gem Fili held dropped to the floor, he did not acknowledge it.
After a long silence, Bofur asked. "Where are the others?"

"They're in the upper halls, trying to find somewhere for us to sleep," Bilbo answered numbly. Meaning they were trying to find a room that didn't contain any skeletons of long-dead dwarves. "They should be up those stairs and to the left." It was only when they began to follow his directions that he noticed someone was missing. "W-Where's Holly?"

Now that he thought about it, Bilbo hadn't seen her with the rest of the dwarves when they'd first arrived. A sick, cold feeling spread through his limbs. What if she hadn't made it out with the rest of them?

But the others only looked confused. "She was with us when we first got here," Kili answered. "Mahal knows where she's gone off to now."

Bilbo let out a small sigh of relief, worry fading into confusion. "Is she all right?" The dwarves exchanged uncertain glances. "Did something happen?"

"You'd best go talk to her, lad," was all Bofur said, and it was all he needed to hear as he set off to find her.

Bilbo hadn't the slightest idea why Holly would disappear like that. Though it was becoming more of a pattern lately, now that he thought about it.

Perhaps she is simply avoiding you, a niggling voice suggested from the back of his head, but he pushed it away. Nothing good would come out of speculating like that.

And if she was avoiding him...well, he would find out soon enough.

…..

Once they had reached the entrance to Erebor, Holly had given up and stopped walking.

She'd let the others move past her, and they'd been too occupied calling for the rest of the Company to notice. She wanted to see the others as well, but...not enough to keep moving.

Eru, she just felt so tired.

Now she stood in the entrance to Erebor, right in the center of the makeshift doorway Smaug had made for himself. She watched the dusty snow as it swirled around the plains between Erebor and Dale.

It was a bit like losing a tooth, Holly thought, when you kept probing that empty space in your mouth just to check if it was still there. She kept going back to the empty space in her head, mindlessly checking and checking and checking...

"Holly?"

She turned, heart leaping into her throat. "Bilbo." Something light bloomed in her chest upon seeing him alive and well and she momentarily forgot about her melancholy. She was tempted to throw her arms around him but the hesitation in his eyes was enough to make her pause. "I thought I'd never see you again." She cringed. "Sorry. That was the wrong thing to say, wasn't it?"

"A bit, yeah." But even as he said it the corner of Bilbo's mouth twitched upwards and he quickly closed the distance between them, reaching out to pull her into his arms.

Holly leaned into him, wrapping her arms around his neck and squeezing her eyes shut. They fell into a long moment of charged silence. I missed you, she wanted to say, but couldn't seem to find the words.

"Don't ever do that to me again," Bilbo murmured lowly.

Holly recalled everything she had said to him at the docks with a surge of guilt. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean any of it, I swear." She was trying to think of a way to explain her actions without telling him the whole truth when he pulled away, confusion written on his features.

"What are you talking about?"

Now it was Holly's turn to look confused. "What are you talking about?"

"I...You could have died back there, in Laketown. I was afraid that I'd lost you," he clarified softly.

"Oh." Holly had rather been dreading this moment, but once again Bilbo had surprised her with his concern and compassion. "So...you're not angry with me for what I said?"

"Oh, no, I am still a bit mad at you," Bilbo answered, his stern tone making her flush. "But...I'm also very glad that you're alive."

"So am I," Holly returned with a half-hearted smirk. "And I am truly sorry for what I said. It wasn't true—I was just...confused."

"Confused about what?"

She hesitated. Telling him the truth was out of the question. Bilbo's forgiveness would only go so far. "...Later. I'll explain later."

Holly could not blame the doubt in his eyes. "Promise me?"

"Yes."

Bilbo gave her a grateful smile, and the one she returned tasted bitter with deceit. "All right. Let's go find the others, shall we?"

"Of course. Lead the way."

She felt a bit more herself now that she had talked to Bilbo, Holly realized as she absently rubbed the strange, pulsing spot on her chest.

But perhaps that was because cowardice was the only trait that truly belonged to her.

Sad ending, sorry :(

I was surprised at how many people were concerned that Holly was going to die. We still got all of BOFA to cover, folks! Yeah, she would have to actually get shot to die hahaha...

And to those hoping that how she survived wasn't a cop-out, I hope you weren't disappointed. What happened is sure to have serious consequences, both mental-health-wise and plot-wise.

Thanks for reading, and make sure to leave a comment letting me know what you think; it helps me out a lot!