Brennan leaned back against Booth's chest, her head on his shoulder, his arms and his quiet strength surrounding her. She thought that if she could ever face the most painful thing that had ever happened to her it would be in this position, with this man. Her eyes lifted to the television screen and this time she didn't try to fight the emotions as they rolled over her. She felt safe enough in her haven to "give it her best shot" as Angela would say. She was looking at the TV, but didn't really see the picture there. She was focused inwardly. It was almost as if her life drifted before her eyes, each portion defined by one or more of those emotions.
The happiness and contentment of being a young child secure in the bosom of her family and their love for her followed by the sheer fun of starting to discover things about herself and the world around her. The aggravation of fighting with her brother or parents and the love she felt for and from them even through the fights. The pride her parents had felt and freely expressed in her genius IQ, her affinity for the sciences and her talent at ballet had triggered her own pride in these things. Her joy in discovering that she was good at ballet and her love to dance, her excitement at being invited to study at Juliard and the completeness she felt when she had made the choice to pursue ballet as a career. Her confusion at how the other students at Juliard treated her and Angela. The sense of belonging and being normal for once in her life that her friendship with Angela had brought to her. All these memories brought her a sense of peace. She could look back on them with warm nostalgia. She gently wrapped them up and tucked them into one of her compartments, but didn't even try to shut or lock the door. She had no reason to keep these memories or feelings away. They were some of the best of her life.
The next portion was infinitely scarier and more painful for her to view and feel. In fact, over the last 18 years, she might have pulled out a memory or two from time to time, but she had never, ever let the whole thing play out. It was just too painful. But, now it was time. She remembered with startling clarity the joy, the sheer power and beauty that she saw in ballet as she danced on the Juliard stage for the first time. She remembered the awe and hero worship that she felt for the Maestro and her disbelief of his praise in her inborn talent. He had finally said it enough that she had started to believe him and she believed him when he said that she was going to be remembered as one of the greatest ballerinas in history. She remembered the affection that she had felt for him and Angela that had grown into a love that would connect her to these two people for the rest of their lives. She remembered how Angela had taught her to have fun just for the sake of having fun and her sense of belonging at Juliard. She felt as if she had come home. She smiled softly. These were the good parts of that portion of her life. And then came the seemingly unending pain and horror that her life became after one single event. Her body stiffened and her breathing became heavier, her fingers unconsciously tightening around Booth's as she forced herself to sweep past the mental roadblock that she had erected to protect herself from these memories.
Booth felt Brennan's rising tension and tightened his arms around her, pulling her as close as possible. His hand unconsciously started rubbing small circles on her belly and his chin dropped to her shoulder.
"It's okay, Bones. I'm here. Everything is okay." He whispered soothingly in her ear. She didn't acknowledge his comment in any way except her body relaxing slightly into his. Booth wished that he could be with her wherever she was to take her hand and lead her away from the haunting memories, but he knew that she couldn't walk away from them anymore, that she had to face them. Walk through and confront them and he couldn't help her with that. It was something that she had to do alone, but he could and would be here for her when she came out on the other side. Brennan didn't outwardly acknowledge Booth's gestures but she felt them all the way to her soul. The way he was protecting her and sharing his own strength with her gave her the courage to push on when she faltered.
Her parents had left her. Just walked away as if she and Russ were no longer worth the time and trouble they required. No note or phone calls to relieve the fear and worry. They just threw their children away as if they were no longer necessary. She sometimes felt guilty that she usually didn't include Russ in her thoughts of her parents (she usually thought they left me not us) but then she remembered that he had left her too and she didn't feel quite as bad about it then. She had been required to see a child psychologist when first entering foster care to address her "abandonment issues" and had refused to say one single word to her no matter how many sessions they made her attend or how many questions she asked. She had been labeled antisocial and a behavioral problem, but she hadn't actually been trying to be difficult. Her family's defection had caused her to retreat into herself and her feelings were too painful to admit to herself much less discuss with some stranger who made it clear that she didn't really care. The psychologist had given up after three visits, but Brennan would never forget the first question that Dr. Jensen had ever asked her.
"So, Temperence, how does your entire family abandoning you make you feel?" Brennan had just walked into the office and was in the process of seating herself. These were the first words out of Dr. Jensen's mouth. How the hell do you think it makes me feel? ran through her mind but she didn't utter a word. It made her feel angry, scared, betrayed and helpless. It made her feel worthless and unloved and even unlovable. After all, if your parents can't even love you, then who can? But she was unable to express these emotions and, after Dr. Jensen's attitude, unwilling to even try so she locked them all away inside and they had festered there ever since.
Looking back on the situation, her rational mind told her that her parents had made a logical and maybe even noble decision to leave her and Russ for their own protection, that her parents felt they had no choice. Her 15 year old broken heart told her that there was always another choice and saying that there wasn't was a person's way of justifying making a bad decision. She had reconnected with Russ and her father and forgiven them enough to let them back into her life. She admitted to herself that she loved them both, but not like before. Nothing like that hero worship that a little girl feels for her father and big brother. She also admitted that she would never trust either one fully again and just accepted it as a fact of life. Even though she really, really wanted to she wasn't sure that she would ever be able to fully forgive them for forcing her into foster care.
Foster care was a system on the verge of collapse in Brennan's opinion. Some of the foster parents were doing this because they sincerely wanted to help the disadvantaged and were kind enough to open their homes and hearts to needy children. Most of the others did it strictly for the money and even within that group you found many that did their best to provide for and guide the children placed in their care. The rest, however, were generally a nightmare and were almost exclusively where someone who had been labeled as a behavioral problem was sent. After all, why waste the best homes on someone who won't amount to anything anyway?" (One of her social workers had actually said that to her). So she endured the inadequacies and cruelty of the system because she knew she would be returning to Juliard, to her dream. She stiffened again, her body rigid, her breath leaving her lips in panting little gasps. She didn't think that she could do this. Then she felt Booth's palm gently cup her jaw and turn her face toward his. His eyes were full of concern and his brow furrowed.
"You don't have to do this. You can stop any time."
No, she couldn't, but she loved him for saying that. Placing her hand over his, she leaned into the caress and giving him the best smile she could manage at the moment, she went back to her memories.
Juliard was her haven. It was a place where she was loved, admired and treated with respect. It was the place that gave her the skills and the opportunity to express herself with the art of dance. It was a place where she felt she belonged and, more importantly, she felt wanted. After her family's abandonment and her injuries at the hands of her foster father, she returned there with pure joy in her heart, with the belief that things would be the same as before. But things weren't the same. Not even close. No matter how hard she worked at rehab on her knee, despite the endless hours spent in practice, she could see her future disappearing before her eyes and the pain and rage was unbearable. So, she found another little compartment, pushed them in and firmly attached a padlock to the door. Oh, they pushed at the door, growling and demanding to be released, but as long as she pretended that they didn't even exist and avoided talking about anything to trigger them she was able to keep that door firmly closed. But holding that much emotion hostage is difficult. In the beginning, she had to constantly guard that door and was so inwardly focused that she began to notice fewer and fewer things and people around her.
To her surprise, she found herself liking this state of being more and more. It was actually … almost peaceful. Lock away all those pesky feelings that were hard to deal with, ignore the rest of the world and nobody could get to you. So, she retreated further and further into her little world of peace and solitude and lost herself so completely that she would never be the same person again. And, she didn't even care. Until she got notification that Juliard would be returning her guardianship to the state, nothing penetrated her shell. That news cracked her shell and she panicked, but the Maestro was able to reassure her and, until their last conversation the night she ran from Juliard, she retreated back behind her wall. That night, she had felt such pain, rage and loss that she could barely think. The only coherent thought that she could hold onto was that she couldn't keep hurting the only two people who still loved her. She could see the pain in Angela and the Maestro's eyes every time they looked at what she had become and she left for altruistic reasons. At least, that's what she told herself. She knew the real reason she ran was more selfish and that leaving that way had caused Angela and the Maestro a great deal of pain, but her wall was now thick enough to prevent her worrying about it too much.
She went back to foster care and was placed in some of the roughest homes available. She kept her head down, followed all the rules and spent as much time as possible at school. With her genius IQ and steep learning curve, she was already taking college classes in several subjects and had already applied for financial aid and early acceptance to several colleges. Her A&P teacher, a brilliant young woman, had taken a special interest in Brennan and it was she that had introduced her to the field of anthropology. They'd had many discussions about the subject and Brennan was fascinated with everything about it. She had reasoned that this would be an acceptable field of study and her new future was born.
She had thought that her wall had grown thick enough to protect her from anything, but she found out differently one night shortly after her sixteenth birthday. She had been moved to a new foster home three days before and the foster parents had a 17 year old son who made her nervous. She had gone to bed early with a headache and woke up a couple of hours later with him trying to crawl into bed with her. She was hit with such fear and disgust that she was momentarily paralyzed. But not for long. Just as he reached out to touch her breast, a rage unlike anything she had ever felt swept over her and she attacked him. He was on the floor in a sobbing heap when his parents rushed into the room. Brennan was stunned when the parents believed her about what had happened and made sure that she was okay before hustling their son out of the room.
Brennan was physically okay, but emotionally, she was a mess. The part of her that was still Tempe was whimpering in fear and shame, but the part of her that had just kicked that creeps butt felt strong, empowered and fearless and was telling her that as long as Tempe was around they could still be hurt and that made perfect sense to Brennan so she listened closely to this new parts next suggestion. It was logical and rational and Brennan was sold. So, she gathered the few bits of Tempe that had not already been locked away with a sense of relief and placed them in yet another compartment, gently closing the door on the person that she had been and applied a double lock to this door. When she was finished, she felt nothing. She smiled.
From that moment, she became Temperence Brennan. She worked toward her goals with focus and determination. She had superficial friendships and even more superficial sexual relationships. But she never, ever, ever let her walls down enough to allow anyone to hurt her and when anyone tried to push past her defenses, she pushed them away with a ruthlessness that Attila the Hun would have been proud of. And she had been okay with who she was. Truth be told, she had been proud of who she was and didn't care enough about anybody else's opinion that it mattered what they thought of her. Until now. Oh, God, what did I let myself become? She thought, eyes rounding in horror, just as the video finished.