Warning: there are some mature themes in this chapter. Nothing explicit.

*One*Day*Until*Deployment*

"She's asleep," Connor announced, slipping into the bedroom he shared with Jude. He shut the door behind him before crossing the room and flopping into bed next to Jude, who immediately curled around him.

"I already miss you," Jude confessed, speaking primarily to the patch of chest that he could see. He couldn't look Connor in the eye and say it. That would make it real. It would be like accepting that Connor was going to be gone this time tomorrow.

Connor ran his hand through Jude's hair, pressing his cheek against the top of Jude's head. "I'm not gone yet. And … maybe if we don't talk about it, morning won't come."

Jude swallowed his own fear, hearing Connor's. He leant his head back, pressing his lips to the bottom of Connor's chin and along his jawline. Connor's hand slipped from the back of his neck to the hollow of his back, remaining there as Jude flipped onto his back, pulling Connor along with him. Jude held Connor's face in both of his hands as they kissed, his tongue licking along Connor's lips as he dedicated their taste, their shape to memory. Connor's hands danced along Jude's hips, as hesitant and gentle the first time that they had done this.

(-.-)

Jude was scared. He didn't want to admit that he was scared, but he was. He tried to hide it on his face, because he knew that Connor would easily be able to read it onto his face. Jude had never done this before; he'd never had sex. He knew that Connor had, but it had been with a girl. He was nervous that he wouldn't like it. He was nervous that Connor wouldn't like it. Jude had never heard Connor tell anyone that he was gay (not that he'd heard him use words like 'straight' or 'bisexual' or anything else either) and Jude still had this niggling fear that Connor would suddenly realize that a boy wasn't what he wanted.

And if it was going to happen, it was going to happen during the act of sex.

They had done other things. In the darkness, between their mumbled conversations and lying side by side, listening to the other breathe, their fingers had memorized the shapes of each other's bodies; their lips had absorbed every curve, every bump of skin. But … somehow this felt different. Jude wasn't sure how to explain it, exactly, but this had him more frightened. Maybe it was because it wasn't dark; there was nowhere for him to hide if this went wrong.

The sun was streaming in the windows, highlighting the tiny pieces of dust that were floating around Connor's bedroom in his and Jesus' apartment. It was Saturday afternoon, and Jesus was working today. Jude and Connor had been in bed all morning, taking advantage of the fact that neither of them had anywhere to be. It had started off with kissing, like they normally did. It was deep and perfect, and Jude wondered how they had stayed friends for so long, when 'boyfriend' felt like this. But then Jude felt some kind of a shift. He didn't know whether it had happened when he'd looped his legs around Connor's waist, or when Connor's lips had slid from his own, further down his body.

But now there was no denying the intention that he saw burning in Connor's eyes. And even though Jude was scared, he also wanted this. He wanted to know what it felt like to make love to Connor.

"Do you want to?" Connor whispered in Jude's ear, finally voicing what they had both been frozen, thinking about.

Jude nodded, his fingernails digging into the slick skin of Connor's back. "Yes."

(-.-)

Jude had his arms around Connor's shoulders as Connor rested his head on Jude's chest. He was tapping his fingers along Jude's ribs. Jude wanted to say something. There were only a few hours left until Connor had to get on a plane and leave for an undefined amount of time, and Jude wanted it to be filled with things; things that he could hang onto when there was no one to fill the other side of the bed. But there was something to be said about being able to lie next to one another, no need to speak, no need to do anything but hold one another.

Jude ran his thumb along Connor's bicep, looking down at the tattoo that he sported. He touched the ink, stark and black, in his own hand writing.

Never say goodbye, because saying goodbye means

going away, and going away means forgetting.

Connor reached up and grabbed Jude's hand. "Do you want one?" He asked, his voice thick.

"What?" Jude said before he could even process the words.

Connor sat up a little so that he could look down at Jude. "Do you want me to write something on you?"

Mutely, Jude nodded. Connor slid to the end of the bed, grabbing his discarded pants from the ground. He fished his Sharpie out of his pocket. Jude wasn't sure when he had picked up the habit of always carrying a Sharpie with him, but it always seemed to come in handy. He climbed back up the bed, straddling Jude's hips. He tapped the end of the Sharpie against Jude's collarbone, the same place that Jude had written on him so many years ago.

"Out of ideas?" Jude guessed.

Connor shook his head. "Plenty of ideas. I just need the perfect one."

"What are you thinking of?" Jude asked.

"Nothing too long," Connor mused, "But nothing too cheesy."

Jude quirked an eyebrow. "Your quote is from Peter Pan."

"Doesn't mean it's cheesy," Connor replied quickly. "Besides, I love it." His expression became mischievous, and winked at Jude. "If I come back, we'll have to get matching couples tattoos."

The weight of Connor's slip settled on the two of them for a moment, until Jude forced himself to push past the 'if' and become lighthearted again.

"When you come back, you'll probably be able to convince me to do anything, just because I'll be too happy over seeing you to say no."

"I'll keep that in mind." Connor pulled the cap off the Sharpie, but didn't put the marker to skin. Finally, he said, "I've got it."

Jude closed his eyes as the cool tip of the marker touched him, swirling on his chest as Connor wrote. He tried to guess the words, anticipate what letter would appear on him next, but he couldn't quite get it. After what seemed like a long time, Connor sat backward, his weight readjusting over Jude.

"There," he said. "Perfect."

Jude opened his eyes and tried to read what it said, but he couldn't make it out. He had to squint up at Connor.

"Read it to me?"

His boyfriend nodded, and recited the quote, sliding his finger underneath of each word as he spoke. "Goodbyes are not forever. Goodbyes are not the end. They simply mean I'll miss you, until we meet again." He blushed, though Jude wasn't entirely sure why. "Kind of kept the theme."

"Perfect," Jude decreed, tugging Connor down toward him. But just before their lips could touch, Maia cried out. Jude twitched first, but Connor stopped him.

"It's my last night to get her," he whispered, and Jude sunk back against the mattress.

He almost followed Connor, to see father and daughter together again, but he stayed in bed. Connor deserved a moment alone with her. And he needed a moment to compose himself. He needed a moment to swallow down his tears so that Connor wouldn't see them. By the time Connor came back, Maia once again fast asleep, Jude felt as close to okay as he figured he was going to get tonight. Connor crawled back into bed, burrowing under the comforter, and twisting onto his stomach. He looked up at Jude, his eyes strangely serious.

"What are you thinking about?" Jude inquired, smoothing his hand across Connor's shaved head.

"You," Connor said, resting his chin on his crossed arms.

"Good," Jude squeaked out, feeling his voice beginning to drop into the depths of his throat.

"I want to talk to you about something," Connor continued. "Something important."

Jude felt a small flare of concern, and raised himself up on his elbows. "What?"

"Don't be worried," Connor assured him. He sat up just long enough to draw Jude into his side, and then they sunk back onto the bed, Connor propped up on the headboard, his arm around Jude's shoulders.

"Then what should I be?"

Connor went quiet. "I don't know how to say it."

There was no way that Jude was going to stop being worried now.

"Just spit it out," he urged.

But Connor didn't say anything. Jude felt Connor twist and fidget as they leant against one another, and he bit his lip. Pushing Connor wouldn't help him say something – Jude had learnt that lesson early on in the friendship – but it didn't mean that he didn't want to. He felt Connor heave a sigh, and waited.

"This is probably the last thing that you expected to hear," Connor said, "Especially tonight. But I can't leave and not do this. I can't leave and have you find it after I leave."

Jude felt his stomach drop and his heart began to race. The first thing he thought of was that Connor was cheating on him, but he rejected that idea with every fibre of his being. He loved Connor too much, Connor loved him too much, for that to ever happen. Even if he were faced with all the evidence in the world that pointed exactly to that scenario, Jude knew that he wouldn't believe it.

Connor kissed the top of his head.

"Please just say it," Jude begged.

"You know I love you."

"I know. I love you too."

"So … marry me?"

Jude stared at the ring that was suddenly in front of him. It was a pale gold, and he knew that if he were to put it on, it would fit perfectly. Connor had picked out this ring for him. This was his engagement ring.

"But," Jude found himself saying as his mind fixated on that little loop of metal and all that it meant, "What about all of those rules you had about getting married?"

"We've known each other over ten years now and I love you. I know that there will never be anyone I love as much as I love you and I want to marry you."

Marriage. Marrying Connor. Jude hadn't just thought about it, he knew that he wanted it. There had been times when he'd walked past jewellery stores and thought about going in and buying a ring and proposing to Connor, but he'd never had the guts to go through with it, thinking that Connor thought they were too young to think about it; that Connor wanted a boyfriend relationship for a longer period of time before the word 'fiancé' was discussed. But now there was a ring staring him in the face and Jude knew that he'd been quiet for too long already. He needed to say something. To Jude, marriage meant forever. Getting engaged was as much of a promise of that as saying the actual vows were. And, as hard as it was to admit it, he didn't know if he would have Connor forever. Tomorrow, Connor would get on a plane and there was no guarantee that he would ever come back. If Jude let that ring go on his left hand and then there was no man to follow up on that promise, it would destroy him, because he would feel the weight of possibilities there forever more.

He couldn't say yes. Not until he knew that Connor was coming home; that he would be back to go through with a wedding.

He tilted his head to look up at Connor, drinking in his face. He loved this face. He wanted to see this face every morning until the day he died, and then every morning after. Jude felt the tears.

"I –" He began, but Connor shook his head, reading Jude's thoughts clearly.

Connor picked up Jude's right hand, finding the ring finger there. "For safe keeping," he said, his voice thick and heavy. "Okay?"

"Okay," Jude agreed with a sniff. "Connor …"

"I get it," Connor promised him. "I understand, I really do."

"The moment you're back on American soil for good," Jude said, his voice cracking and breaking as the sobs erupted, "I will, I do, yes, but I can't … Not until then."

"I'm going to hold you to that promise," Connor swore, his heart breaking in his chest as he realized that – as much as he knew Jude would hold up his end of the bargain – Connor didn't know if could hold up his own end.

"Please do," Jude choked out.

And then they both completely broke down.

I don't own anything recognizable.

~TLL~