Bet you guys thought the Epilogue was the end, didn't you? Well, okay I thought that too...I have a feeling, though, that this will be the last chapter. This takes place six months after Eiri's death...weird things happen, and Shuichi ends up seeing something - or someONE - he didn't think he would ever see again. A lot of this si Shuichi ranting about how much his life sucks, but it gets better.

Chapter 19: Void in my Heart

Six months ago, my world fell apart; my husband of six years and lover of many more passed away. He had lived and breathed for those six years on a transplanted heart, which was far beyond what his life expectancy should have been. The heart that he held within his body was the heart of my best friend, who gave his very life so my lover could live, even if it was for a short time. Somehow, I expected my lover to pass on with each new day - I had this feeling that he'd be gone one day, but he always proved me wrong - for six years he proved me wrong. But he had passed on while I was out of the country; I had been on tour, and I was reluctant to leave Yuki behind, but he reassured me that he would be fine...he said he would be there waiting for me when I came back. I believed him...but it wasn't my Yuki who betrayed my trust - it was fate that has hurt me so. Yuki cheated death on more than one occasion, but he couldn't escape it again. It doesn't change the fact that I miss him; I lost a big piece of my heart and myself when I lost Yuki. Now, I am without anyone...not Hiro, not Yuki. I'm alone...people try to console me, but no amount of counsel can ever bring back the two most beloved people in my life. They are gone forever, and I'm damned to loneliness. Ryuichi has been doing his best to cheer me up with his childish antics, but nothing works. In fact, I have grown to be annoyed by him these past couple of months, and through my cold attitude, I believe I have driven him away. I didn't mean to treat him like I did, but it just happened, and I wish I could take it back.

My career is going downhill quickly because of all the things that have happened in my life...I lack enthusiasm to sing or write music; I used to create wonderful music when my Yuki was still alive, because he was my inspiration. But now, my music is dark and depressing, which is not the image that the recording label wants to promote. But I don't give a fuck what they want...I write what I'm feeling, and what I'm feeling is sadness. If they don't like it, they can go to hell. I hate working with only Suguru - he's so uptight that I can't make a single error without him telling me how incompetent I am; I swear, if he keeps that up, he's going to be seeing the world through one eye. Everyone just gets on my nerves at that damn place...I used to have Hiro to console me, and Yuki to hold me...now, I have no one to turn to when I feel my eyes begin to swell to the brim with tears. It hurts to have no one. I couldn't handle everyone's shit at NG, so I took a week off; I didn't ask Tohma for time off, I TOLD him I was taking off, end of discussion. I don't know what it is that I expect to happen during that time off, expect to cry and cut myself. Yeah, that's another habit I picked up since Yuki died - I like to cut myself quite often...not just my wrists, but everywhere. I no longer wear revealing clothing at my concerts because I have dozens of scars across my chest and abdomen. I don't care if people see my body in this way, but Tohma made me wear something to cover myself because scars are not what the public wanted to see. Asshole.

It's been three days since I told Tohma I'd be taking some time off, and I haven't even left my apartment...I stay inside all the time and I mope...I cry my eyes out. I've ben crying for months, and I thought perhaps I would reach a point where I could not cry anymore, but it hasn't happened yet. I still cry quite frequently; I have even broken down onstage in the middle of a song and cried my eyes out. The media was on that incident like flies on a carcass, asking why the world-renowned pop star Shuichi Shindo had cried like a child for no reason. I got a lot of shit from everyone at NG, especially K and Suguru. Oh I hate those two with a passion..."hate" is just not a powerful enough word to describe what I feel for those two. And so, here I am, venting to you about all the problems in my life...I know I make it seem as if my problems are more painful and dreadful than anyone else's...I know we all have problems in our lives, but when the two most important people in your life are dead and your career is going down the toilet, you'd want to bitch to someone about it too. Oh well, life is life and it seems immune to change at this point. I'll just have to accept the fact that my life sucks tremendously and that it will never improve.

My fifth day of freedom was spent crying, moping, and cutting myself...I've practically become addicted to that bloody practice of cleaving through my skin with my trusty razor. Pain is it, sure enough, but it helps to take my mind off my emotional pain - my incurable heartache. I can't remember the last time I smiled because it's been so, so long. Nothing makes me smile anymore. As I sit on the edge of my bed hating myself, I take a glance over at my night stand and I see my collection of photographs of happier times...when my dear Yuki was still alive. One picture showed me with my arms around his waist and him with his hands in his pockets; he looked so serious in that shot, which is no surprise. Trying to get him to smile was like pulling teeth. Another picture was of Yuki and I in an embrace - he had his arms around me and he was smiling...not some phony smile for the sake of the camera because Yuki would never do that. This was a capture of a genuine smile from my dear husband; smiles from him had seemed so rare, and though I never forgot all the times he smiled at me and with me, actually being able to see his smile before my eyes made me both happy and upset. I wanted my Yuki in my arms to hold him and proclaim my love to him - I would give anything, absolutely ANYTHING, to see him one last time, even if it was only for a few minutes. I desperately want to look into those gorgeous golden eyes and hear that deep, romantic voice that made my knees buckle. I want Yuki.

But I know damn fucking well that it'll never happen...Yuki is gone forever, and I have nothing left but the pictures of him. Dreadful images invade my mind - Yuki's family wanted his casket open at the funeral, and seeing him lying there dead made my heart break into thousands of shards. He was awfully pale, his hair was stringy and unkept, and he actually had on eyeliner...damn mortician had done far less than a bad job. I cried during the whole funeral, because whenever I would look up at Yuki lying dead in that casket, my eyes would overflow with tears...I know his family was in great pain seeing him there, but they're the ones who wanted the casket to be open. It hurt so much seeing the one I love, laying lifeless in a wooden box. I never used to think of death that much - driving past cemeteries was nothing of great significance to me until after Yuki's passing. The thought of Yuki being buried six feet into the earth and being eaten by the creatures that inhabit the soil made me cringe; I know his family considered cremation, but then refused, which made me happy. I would have gone into hysterics if I new they burned Yuki's body to mere ashes. At least he was able to be given an honorable burial with his body intact.

The day went by quickly...my week is flashing past before I can even realize it. Day six gave me some fair weather, and I decided to just go for a walk to try and clear my mind of everything - okay, so the city isn't exactly relaxing with the roar of traffic and the hundreds of people walking to unknown destinations all the time, but I can usually block out everything and escape into my own world of peace. I decided to just take a long walk and not try to get back home at any particular time; I left my cellular phone at the apartment so it wouldn't bother me on my walk. I didn't need to bother donning myself with sunglasses and a hat when I would go into public like I used to when rabid fangirls would try to run me down, strip me naked and rape me - because the band's popularity went down since I went into my depression, we have fewer fans who try to ambush us. But my hair is back to brown, so my conspicuous pink head is a thing of my jubilant past and not the way people target me. I blend in more now, and it serves as wonderful camouflage in the bustling city. The people around here can be very rude sometimes, pushing and shoving me to get me out of there way, as if there was a fire they were rushing to...and then, after all that rush, they wind up waiting for a crosswalk light to change for them, and they are no further than when they initiated the shoving. Stupid bastards...all in a hurry to get nowhere.

As I was walking down the sidewalk, my vision tended to drift from in front of me to my feet - to onlookers, I may seemed to have developed a new passion for my feet, but I was just thinking about so many things at once, and it was making me feel rather gloomy again. Of course, when you're looking at the ground, you're bound to walk into someone. I'm surprised I got as far as I did before I walked into someone; it was a soft impact, but still it was contact with another. I know some city people can be rude, but I didn't want to be one of them, so I apologized to the person and excused myself while never looking up. They said nothing, but walked off. I began to look up again, and only about two seconds after I looked up, I saw something that made my whole body shake madly inside and out. I saw a tall young man standing amongst the crowd - he had long reddish-brown hair and deathly pale skin; he was exceptionally thin for someone of his stature and he looked malnourished.

"No, it...it couldn't be...", I thought.

It wasn't possible...it was not a possibility that this person standing before me was who I thought it was...was it? I slowly approached them in the crowd and tried to get control of myself to speak in an understandable tone. When I was right behind them, I spoke up.

"...H...Hiro?", I asked sheepishly.

The person did nothing for a moment, but then they turned around, and the sight before me terrified me to the very core and branded images permanently into my memory. It was Hiro, without a doubt. But he didn't look like himself - he looked...dead. His skin looked borderline albino, his hair was in awful condition, and his lips were a bluish-grey color, looking almost like he had drowned. But the feature that struck the most intense fear into my heart was the sight of his eyes - no longer did he have those beautiful brown eyes that were so entrancing to me. They were replaced with pure black - even the scleras of his eyes were black, and it made him look like some kind of alien or like his eyes had been cut out. I don't think I ever blinked during this whole meeting because it was unbearably traumatizing for me. Hiro never said a word to me, but he walked with the crowd across the street. I followed him, but he seemed to move at a strangely fast pace, and before I was even aware of it, he was out of sight. I dashed through the crowd, shoving people as I went; I didn't care at that point who I knocked over. All I know is that I saw Hiro and I had to find him.

I searched the city for the rest of the day and the night, and I found nothing. I asked people, and from the ones who didn't tell me to go fuck myself, I got no answers or even clues as to Hiro's whereabouts. Eventually, my legs grew very weak and I had to stop; I sat down against a building in a lone alley. As if I didn't have enough on my mind, I had to think about this. I still can't understand how I could have possibly seen Hiro, because as far as I know, Hiro had died six years ago after he gave his heart up for Yuki. Honestly, the alleged Hiro I saw in public today looked like a corpse...perhaps not one of six years, but he surely had an unhealthy appearance to him. But it was his eyes that struck the greatest terror in me; I'll never forget what his eyes looked like when I saw him...they were sunken deep into his face and I could easily see the eye sockets in his skull. He had bags under his eyes that were very dark, as if he hadn't slept in years. His eyes were lacking of visible pupils or irises - he had alien-looking eyes that were totally black, or maybe dark red. Although I couldn't see his "eyes", I knew very well he saw me, and I don't know why he said nothing.

But then I thought about it...how in the hell could Hiro be alive? He was dead - I watched the doctor euthanize him, and he was obviously there for his own funeral. How was this even a possibility of nature? I just had to find out if what I saw was truly real...I had to...

I ended up falling asleep in that alley, and I was beyond shocked that no drunken, horny men tried to take advantage of me while I was lying in the alley, totally vulnerable to any kind of assault. I woke up the next day feeling miserable, but it's not as if it would be the first morning I'd wake up feeling that way, nor would it be the last. I couldn't go back home yet - I had to go somewhere first. I had to go to the cemetery on the outskirts of the city to visit Hiro's grave; perhaps there I can find some answers. It was a damn long walk to the cemetery from where I was, but I'd manage; my legs felt a bit sore from my walk the previous day, but I knew I'd be fine. I got up and began my journey to the graveyard where my dearest friend was laid to rest six years ago.

My walk was well over ten miles, and it took me about 5 hours to get where I was going because I had to stop to rest so many times. But finally I made it; the graveyard was a sort of old-fashioned one, with a steel fence going all the way around, and a majestic yet simple threshold near the right side of the front gate. This graveyard was not the one where Hiro's family wanted him to be buried - the cemetery where he was supposed to be had run out of room, so he was put here. In a way, it's a good thing that he's here because the other cemetery has so many burials that it's impossible to get through it without walking on someone's grave, and I try my best not to do that because I find it disrespectful. As I wiped the sweat from my forehead, I slowly made my way through the graveyard; Hiro's grave was near the front and adjacent to the fence. I walked toward it slowly, and the site came into view. But what I saw was appalling, to say the least...beside Hiro's gravestone, a soiled shovel lay in the grass, and where once was flat, solid ground was a square hole in the earth, looking much deeper than six feet, in front of Hiro's tombstone. Anger, fear, sadness...all these emotions struck me at once as I stared dubiously at Hiro's empty grave. I peeked down into the earthen tomb and there was nothing in it. Hiro's coffin was gone...I inspected the shovel to see that the soil upon it was dry and encrusted - whoever used it last for digging purposes did so at least two or three days prior to my arrival. As I continued to examine the area curiously, I heard a rather dry, agitated voice come from behind me.

"What the hell are you doing?"

I turned to see a man in a very worn out t-shirt and dirty jeans. I asked him, "Are you the one who watches this graveyard?"

"No, but I was sent here to check out this particular site, and I want to know why you're snoopin' around here, kid."

I tried not to lash out at this man, "This is my friend's grave, and I'm just trying to find out why there's an empty space where a coffin should be."

Before the dusty middle-aged man could reply, another man quickly approached behind him. He looked to be in his late twenties and was wearing a white dress shirt and khaki pants. "Excuse me", he interrupted us, "Is everything okay over here?"

The man who saw me said, "Yeah, this kid says this is his friend's grave and he was lookin' around for clues...playin' detective here."

"That's enough...I want to speak to this young man for a moment, so report back to your superior and tell him your findings."

I felt a bit nervous about what this man wanted to say to me, but I remained calm. He waited until the middle-aged man was beyond hearing distance before he spoke, "What's your name, son?"

"...Shuichi.", I said with little feeling.

"And you say that this is your friend's grave?"

"Yes", I replied, "Hiro was my friend and my bandmate...do you know why his grave is empty?"

The man put a hand on my shoulder and explained, "Shuichi, I'm with the local police station and we're investigating his grave site because there's a bit of conspiracy going on."

"What do you mean, sir?", I asked reluctantly.

"I'll be perfectly blunt with you, Shuichi...Hiro was never buried there to begin with."

I stood in shock for a moment before I asked, "Excuse me? He was never buried there! But I was at his funeral six years ago - I saw the casket here, he had to be here!"

"Shuichi, I'll tell you the truth...a lot of people claimed to have seen Hiro walking around in public after he allegedly died. His family was informed, and then his brother thought he saw Hiro in the city one night, so his family insisted that Hiro's grave be opened. What we dug out of that grave was nine feet worth of soil, and there was nothing in it. We have no idea what's going on, but we're going to find out..."

"Is it possible that someone robbed his grave?", I asked shyly.

"Highly unlikely...we have yet to even come to any conclusions about where Hiro could be. That's why we're investigating."

I looked down at my feet - I suddenly wanted to cry; I had been visiting Hiro's grave and praying for him and talking to him, thinking he could somehow hear me spiritually, and he wasn't even buried there to begin with. I had been praying to an empty tomb for over six years. But I could get over that - what I wanted to know was where Hiro was if he was not in his grave. Where had he gone to? And why did I see him walking around in the city? I looked back at the investigator.

"I saw Hiro in the city yesterday...that's why I came here, to see if maybe I could get some answers.", I told him.

"You saw him too? Where in the city did you see him?"

"I don't know the street, sadly, but it was near the theater. He was in a crowd of people and after I accidentally bumped into another pedestrian, I looked up and saw Hiro almost directly in front of me."

"What did he look like?", the investigator asked; I noticed he was writing down what I was saying in a tablet.

"He looked extremely thin, like he was malnourished. His hair was a mess, which is not like Hiro because he loves his hair and takes good care of it. Umm..his lips were like a bluish color, but the rest of his skin was very very pale, almost like off-white. And his eyes...his eyes are totally black, like I couldn't distinguish where the irises were because everything in his eye sockets was black."

"Dear lord, it sounds horrifying...in case you're wondering why I'm writing down what you said, it's for evidence. You're one of about a dozen eye witnesses of Hiro's whereabouts in the past couple of months."

"Couple of months?", I belted out in a surprised tone.

"Yes...people allegedly began seeing Hiro only about eight weeks ago. Many more people have seen him, obviously, but they just didn't know who he was. His friends, family members, or fans are the ones who recognized him. As I said before, we're unsure what to think...whether someone is playing a very cruel, sick joke, or...or it's something that I don't think anyone can explain."

I was speechless; I took a long look at Hiro's empty grave, finding it difficult to swallow the fact that his grave had been empty all this time. I then turned back to the young investigator.

"Will you please contact me if you have any news or updates on this case?"

"Umm...well, we usually only divulge information to immediate family."

"Please", I pleaded, "He was my best friend...please can you contact me if anything comes up?"

My eyes were about to flood with tears; the young man noticed this and sighed, "Okay. I'll give you a call if we find anything. If anyone asks, I'll say you're a cousin. Just don't make me regret this, Shuichi."

I thanked the investigator and gave him my home phone number. Before I left, he told me that he was sorry that I was going through something so painful...yeah, sure he was. He can pretend all he wants, but I wasn't buying it. Nonetheless, he would contact me if anything new was found out about Hiro; I guess I should be thankful that he was willing to bend the rules a little bit for me.

Upon my return to work, I was asked by everyone if I enjoyed my time off, and I replied to each of them with a caustic "NO"; everyone cringed at my attitude and turned away quickly out of fear that I would rip their eyes out...everyone, that is, except one person. At the end of the day, he approached me and asked me what was wrong; the blonde man, though unfeeling at times, usually worried about me quite a bit because of how hard I was taking Yuki's death.

"Shuichi, are you okay?", Tohma asked.

"No, actually I'm not. That vacation made me feel even worse."

"I swear, I wish I could help you Shuichi. I know you don't believe me, but I do worry about you; I hate seeing you in such pain."

I sighed deeply, "I was taking a couple days ago in the city, to clear my mind...and...I...I saw Hiro."

Tohma's eyes went as wide as saucers, "Surely you must have been mistaken, Shuichi. Hiro is -"

I stopped him mid-sentence, "I know he's dead, Tohma...but I saw him walking in the city. It was him and I'm completely sure about it. He looked like he was a walking corpse, but it was him. And then I went to the graveyard and found his grave to be empty...it turns out that Hiro was never buried in that grave in the first place."

Tohma didn't know what to say - his mouth simply hung open. My voice began to crack and I fought back my tears, "Are you happy now? That was my wonderful vacation."

I turned away to hide my falling tears, but Tohma walked around me so he was facing me. He placed his fingers under my chin and lifted my face so he could look at me; his expression melted as he saw the tears rolling down my face. He gently brushed away my tears with his fingers and, without saying a word, he took me into his arms and hugged me. At that point, I couldn't stop myself, and I cried into his shirt; he didn't tell me it was going to be okay or try to shush me like some people do when they think they're being comforting; he simply held me and let me cry, and a shoulder on which to cry is the thing I think I needed the most at that time.

I went home that day a little earlier than usual - Tohma sympathized for me and understood the trauma I had went through. It was a Friday, so I had the weekend off, unless an emergency came up, which I really hoped one didn't. I wanted to sit home and brood again before going back to work for another five days. No longer was I mourning over and missing my dear Yuki, but I was thinking nonstop about Hiro. So many questions were rushing through my mind at lightspeed...how was Hiro still alive after being euthanized? Where had he been these past six years if he wasn't in his grave? How was he staying alive? Did he remember me?

It was a tremendous burden on my mind and I was getting a headache as I thought about it in greater depth. It was too much for me - I hadn't even gotten over Yuki's death and now I had to deal with this. That image of Hiro will forever be burned into my memory, and whenever I remember it, I can't help but cry. Remembering Hiro looking like he did that day was so frightening...I don't want that memory of him in my mind. I want the old memories I had of him, not this appalling new one. I stayed up all night and into the very early morning hours - long enough to watch the sun come up over the horizon. I began to succumb to exhaustion and I went to lay down. My bed was so cold and lonely without Yuki beside me - I never did get used to sleeping alone after Yuki had died. As I lay on my back, I stared up at the ceiling, trying to clear my mind a little bit. But before going to sleep, I had to complete my nightly ritual of praying. Hiro was the one who actually got me started on this...I remember he told me to pray for Yuki when we needed a heart for him, and ever since that day, I have prayed every night. I prayed for Hiro, and then I began to pray for Yuki too, as well as some friends and family members. Tonight, besides my prayer for Yuki, I also had a special prayer for Hiro...wherever he may be, I only could hope he heard me.

"Hiro...I don't know if you can hear me, or if you will listen...but I know I saw you that day. I don't care who thinks I've lost my mind, I know it was you. I can't believe I have been going to your grave and talking to you and crying over you for six years, only to find out that you were never there in the first place! Hiro, I don't know how you could possibly be alive, or where you have been these past years, but I beseech you, my friend...please give me a sign...let me know where you are and if you're okay. Please...please put my mind at ease..."

Tears rolled down my face as I begged my dear friend to tell me the truth. I cried myself to sleep that night, wondering just where my beloved friend was. I fell asleep being freezing because my heater was not working, but following my prayer, I felt a sudden warmth surround me. It was a wonderful warmth, and for some reason, I felt safe, and secure...I felt loved. I don't quite know why this happened, but all I know is I slept better that night than I have slept since I lost my dear Yuki. I woke up the next day feeling refreshed, and somewhat normal. As I arose to get out of bed, I noticed something odd...a plain white T-shirt was laying on my chest. The shirt was Hiro's, and I had kept it as a reminder of him - even after so many years it still seemed to have his wonderful scent about it. The strange thing is that this shirt was kept safely hidden in my closet - I never wore it, but I wanted to keep it as a reminder of my friend. I knew from this simple sign that Hiro had heard my prayers, and a tear of happiness ran down my cheek. He still cared.

Author's Note: "scleras" refers to the white part of the human eye, in case anyone was wondering. As I said, I think this is probably going to be my final chapter in this story, unless I have another stroke of genius...but I doubt it. Hope you guys enjoyed the story, and thank you all ocne again for your support throughout each chapter - I appreciate everyone's critique very much.