Yay! I'm not fourteen anymore!! hmm...I gotta update my profile...

Anyways, this is the new chapter, sorry it took so long, but i'm trying to get a few things in my life organized and I'm thinking of coming out...maybe....I'm not sure yet...

Chapter 21

*Spencer's P.O.V*

She sighs exasperatedly.

"Look, I get it. I'm the evil bitch out to ruin people's lives. I've screwed with people's minds and made them miserable, are you happy?"

I think about this for a second before I let out my response.

"No. No, I'm not happy at all. I need to know why you did it. All of it. Starting with me. Why Why the hell did you decide to make people's lives a living hell? I don't- I don't want another memory lane trip, I just want to know the truth. " I demand of her and the strength that was previously in her turned in a knowing guilt.

"It's not that easy. I can't just-"

"Why?" I raise my voice. "Why can't you?!"

She lets out another sigh.

"I'm not…I'm not making excuses and I obviously don't expect you to believe me, or even listen to me. I just…I just need you to know that what I'm gonna say is not a lie. It may not satisfy you, but this is really the only way that I can explain it" She takes a deep breath.

"We were never like that, you know? Back then, we were jut hanging out, just the three of us. We didn't care about anyone else and we were content with just living our lives and having fun. But things change, y'know? Even though we didn't want to change, everyone else started to. I guess we were just behind them on all of those things." She thinks for a few moments, her hands are clasped together with her thumbs twiddling idly.

"We tried not to, we tried to ignore the rest of the world and stay in our own. But we came to a point that we just couldn't anymore. There came a point when we had to confront it, and we ended up changing ourselves in the worst way possible. I won't tell you the story but simplify it, we ended up in a situation where we confronted a bunch of people who were just picking on a group of kids. It wasn't something new, and we saw that sort of thing nearly everyday, but we just couldn't take it anymore."

She sucks in her lips and mumbles to herself a little bit.

"There was this kid that they constantly kept picking on in that group. They kept calling this kid names, teasing him about growing up without parents and how no one wanted to take care of him. Nearly everyday that made this small kid cry and I guess it was just too much for him. A few months later, he was driven off the road in what people was a suicide. I don't know if it was actually a suicide, or if they tried to kill him and succeeded, but whatever it was, he ended up dead."

She grits her teeth down.

"No one said anything against the group of people because they didn't want to end up like Charlie. That- That was him name…But, it wasn't long before they picked a new target. I know all of this sounds surreal, and I'm guess it kinda is, but at the time, people just didn't have the heart to stand up to them, and no one even tried…I guess that reality in itself is a little surreal. So, they started picking on this new girl. She was our age, and a very fragile looking person, the type that's easy to break. I still remember her today…She had those large brown eyes and small frizzy curls around her face.

Truth be told, she looked like an animal that was about to be killed, even when they weren't around her. So…this group of people, though there weren't many of them, five or so, for some unknown reason, started making this small girl, this weak girl, this girl who looks so much like an animal, her life a living hell. Now, I'm not saying this to defend myself or anything, but the way they treated her was much worse then any treatment we ever gave anyone. It was borderline obsession what they did.

The entire school turned their back on it, except for one day, when she stopped coming to school and rumors started to flair. People wondered whether or not she was dead, or if she withdrew from the school or something like that. But the biggest rumor of all was the one saying that she was raped."

My eyes widen at a bit at this information, and I feel the bile rising and collecting in my stomach.

"And then everyone started talking about how the leader of their little group was a dyke."

I flinch at the word, but continue paying attention nonetheless.

"They said that she raped the girl, and that she hadn't come to school because she was too embarrassed, or too ashamed. We didn't know if any of it these were actually true, or if any of them had a shred of reference to them, so we tried not to bother with it."

The conversation is interrupted by the door opening abruptly revealing a nurse looking sheepishly, obviously aware that she interrupted a quite important conversation.

We clear our throats and let the nurse do his business of checking her systems, and checking off stuff in his little board.

"Anyways," she continues after he leaves the room, "Ashley had this small girl in one of her classes, and they sat right next to each other because their last names were next to each other, so the teacher thought that she should be the one to take her homework to her. That was the first evidence that anyone had that she was still in the school, or even alive for that matter. Well, it turns out that she didn't live too far from where Ashley lived, so we went with her to visit her house. She was rather well off, with a house as large as that, and we rang the doorbell"

She sighs, recalling the memory.

"We waited there for over twenty minutes, ringing the doorbell, every minute or so me and Aiden told her that she probably wasn't home, but Ashley wouldn't have it. I didn't know why she was so attached to this, and I put it off as curiosity. We stayed there for almost an hour before the door slowly opened. It was only parted partway from it's frame, and all we could see were a set of frightened orbs hiding behind a veil of mussy hair."

I imagine the frail girl, one who was tortured in a young age like me, one who was ignored and abandoned, like me, and one who went through the same horrific experience I had.

"She looked so scared when she opened the door, but when she saw us, at least some of the fear went away slightly, but she was still so tense, and her guard was never down. The funny thing was, I didn't even know her name. She always had nicknames or rude names that people called her by, just so that they wouldn't get caught by the group talking about her. So when Ashley said her name, I couldn't help but wonder who she was talking about. She had a beautiful name though, absolutely gorgeous name."

She smiles in soft admiration.

"Annaliese." She says softly. "It was a beautiful name, but like I said, I didn't know who the name belonged to until the small girl in front of me let out a small squeak that sounded like yes. I remember Ashley assuring her that we wouldn't hurt her, and that she was only there to make sure that she was alright. Of course, the girl was wary at first, but Ashley broke down her defenses and she finally let us in. She wasn't exactly hospitable, but that was to be expected. They got down to talking, first about how we were there to deliver her homework, then promptly explaining it to her. We didn't leave even though Ashley and her kept talking. She talked about how they should get together and be friends and how people at school missed the girl."

"She didn't really believe her, but it didn't really matter because the conversation soon strayed away to a different topic. I know that she wanted to leave, and cry when the subject of her own dementors came up, but Ashley was soft with the topic, always making sure to assure her that no one would hurt her."

"But, um…she started talking about heavier and heavier stuff, and the topic of the rumors came up. Eventually, Ashley full out asked her if they actually did to her what people said they did. And…she just started crying. She just broke down into Ashley's chest, sobbing and sobbing, and Ashley never said a word, and just held on to her tight, sometimes whispering phrases like 'it's okay' and 'no one can hurt you now'. Me and Aiden were just standing there and watching. We couldn't understand what was happening, but we had no choice but to just stand there and listen. For what seemed like hours, she kept sobbing out these words that we could just barely understand, telling us what they did to her. How they hurt her, and toyed with her, and how the leader of their group told her things, and…"

Wringing her hands, she waits.

"Anyways, we left the house after a while, and Ashley went home quickly without even saying another word. The next day, I'm guessing that Ashley had already made up her decision when we went to school that day. We all marched down those halls and knew exactly where to go, though me and Aiden didn't exactly know what to do."

"But, like I said, she had already made up her mind, and we both knew that there was no stopping her, and we didn't even try, and instead we just backed her up. Don't get me wrong, we were all mad, but what were we going to do? We didn't really want to get involved, but we couldn't go on and pretend that nothing was happening."

"And so, we went to the back of the school where the Smoker's Pit was, and where we knew they would be, and they were. They were just laughing and acting like they had no care in the world. It's fair to say that we were all pissed. But it was Ashley that took the lead when she went up to their leader, a preppy looking smoker, and took the stick right out of her mouth and broke it in half before stepping on it on the ground. I swear, that girl looked like she'd just been slapped in the face."

"She gritted her teeth down, and snapped, yelling curse words at Ashley, trying to figure out what her "problem" was. Ashley didn't say anything and instead actually slapped the girl's face."

"And you can guess it turned out into an all out brawl. We joined in of course, taking on the girl's friend's. I can't say that anyone won since we got interrupted before the fight was over. People had crowded around us after hearing about the commotion and managed to tear me and Aiden away from our preys, but they didn't even try to deal with Ashley. They were both on the floor, and Ashley was straddling the girl's waist, hitting her again and again."

"She started yelling out, asking for Ashley to stop, but she didn't and at first everyone was too shocked to do anything, but Ashley started screaming at her, telling her to admit the fact that she raped someone. And she wouldn't stop hitting, just pounding away. The girl started shrieking and screaming, saying that yes, she had done, maybe the truth or maybe just to stop the blows."

"But of course, that was enough to get the people going. After hearing that confession, people got to the point where they didn't really care if she died or not. Ashley obviously didn't at the time, continually screaming at her, saying that she was a disgrace, disgusting, and finally…a dyke."

"God, I remember her screaming it. 'You Goddamn dyke!" she said it, and that sent the girl's nose bleeding, but people still didn't stop her, and I know that I'm no exception, but then they started to do something that I'm sure you've experienced before. 'Dyke! Dyke! Dyke! Dyke!' Again and again, until they actually started screaming and chanting the words."

"The teachers finally came, and they managed to pull her off the beaten girl, but by the end of it, I'm not even sure if you could recognize the girl. Anyway, after they finally sent the girl to the hospital and got things in order, Ashley was obviously supposed to be expelled, and even charged, but instead, her father paid off the school, the papers, and the girl's family to keep quiet. And soon, the rumors started popping up until she was the next head of school."

"For some strange reason, she gained the reputation of the girl who ended up leaving the school. People started saying that she was the one who caused someone to kill himself. They said that she was the one who tortured all the kids and the younger people until they eventually moved or dropped out. Rumors of her using her daddy's money to keep people quiet came up too."

"She was a hero for fifteen minutes before everyone turned her into a tyrant. People made her someone that everyone feared because of their own imagination. But it wasn't just her, it was us too."

"People started talking, and they looked at us with cautious glances as we passed by the halls, and spoke to us with forced smiles. And that became our new world. The fake smiles, sneaky glances, envious voices. We were popular, and that's what popularity is."

"We didn't want to be there, we didn't care to be there, we didn't even technically know where there was. It was the pinnacle, and that's where we were, and God we hated it. It was annoying having people look at you like you're their ticket to the top. We didn't even know what was worse, knowing that people liked us because we were there, or knowing that people avoided us because we were there. They didn't even know us, but they apparently had grounds to like or hate us because we were popular. The funny thing is, people don't make themselves popular, other people do. They were so envious us, trying so hard to be like us, when they were the ones who turned us into this."

"We didn't want it, but ended up being stuck with it. We tried not to make a big deal about it, but it really did get annoying. The people we thought were our friends either scolded us or sucked up to us. Why? We didn't do anything, and being singled like that was not something that we wanted.'

"And we got more pissed…well, me and Aiden did. Ashley started tuning out, and didn't really care about anything after she sort of got over what she did to that girl. Me and Aiden started getting snappy at everyone that sent us these damn looks. How the hell could they judge us when they didn't even know us?!"

"As to the people that sucked up to us, we just couldn't shake them, and decided to stay indifferent. But that was only in the beginning. They became really good, you know? Really good at making us believe that they actually cared about what we had to say. Really good at making us do what they want. Really good at making us act a certain way, or feel about something a certain way."

"And somehow, just someone, we became the people that we had tried to abolish ourselves. We became the Goddamn bullied. But there's something you should know, and I've said it before, people aren't born bullies, nor do they just decide to be bullied. It's others that make them that way. It's not you, it's everyone else. It's not who you are, it's what they make of you. It's your words, or even your actions, it's their rumors."

"It's not you, it's them."

"And then you become something that you don't even recognize. You say words that aren't yours, and you do things that you didn't even realize you were capable or doing. It's almost as though you're looking into a mirror and seeing someone who looks exactly like you move in your body, and you just sit there, and watch them living your life. They're speaking your mouth, and moving your body."

"It's just feeling helpless and then eventually giving up. That's it, we just gave up. Screw trying to fight the flow, or going against what people expect you to do. Screw individuality and thought and personal actions. Screw ethics and what's right and what's wrong. Just screw it all. All of it."

"If they expect you to beat on that kid, why not? If they want you to be a bitch, well what's the problem. It's just that, there wasn't a point in trying to fight it. Why go against them and try and help a freshmen who'll just look at you terrified and run away? What's the point of being nice to someone who will call you fake and a bitch, anyways?"

"But it's not like I didn't so anything. I hated those stupid people who hated me because of who I am, someone that they didn't really know. I hated those that seemed to cower in fear, like they initially had something to be afraid of. How could they do that? That makes them even worse then me. It's them who was judging and turning me into someone that was gross and ugly."

"I hated them to the point that I actually did start torturing them just to give them something to actually be scared about. Eventually, I started to feel confident and started to feel as though I could. I could hurt them, and yell at them because they were below me. I knew that they were the ones acting like they were."

"I was only doing what people expected me to and I ended up hating myself more for it."

"It's not…It's not an excuse it's the truth, it's the side of the story that no one really knows or tries to figure out. I mean why should they, we're not the victims, and we're not the ones getting hurt. Or so they think. What do they care right? They're really the ones that aren't hurt. The ones that manipulate people. They praise the popular because they want to be there, when in reality they're trying to control us."

"But I won't lie. That day, even though I keep on talking about being someone you know isn't yourself, I know for a fact that I was myself that day. I was completely myself when I watched Aiden beat you to the ground and then wait to do the same. That was me. That was all me. But that was because you…that wasn't supposed to happen. None of it was supposed to happen. She was supposed to stay with us, y'know? Because she was different. She wasn't like us. Ashley was different. But…thank you. God, thank you so much. I wouldn't have woken up if it wasn't for that."

"If that hadn't happened, I would still be that person. I'd still be the person who listens to what the world wants, and watches as their life passes them by, who watches as someone else lives their life. But, I'm not that person anymore. I know that I haven't atoned or anything, but I have changed. When it happened, things changed. It was slow, but there was change, especially after what happened later in the year. But I'm not the person I was back then. And Ashley, she's different too, even though she was never like us."

"She didn't fall for it at all. She just seemed disappointed that we did. I think that she could have left. No, I know that that she could have left. I know that she could've just ditched us, and that she would've been just fine all alone, not living by someone else's rules, and doing exactly what she thinks is right, was right. But she didn't, and I know that it was because of us, that she did that. I know it was because she didn't want to hurt us, or betray us. I know that staying was her way of saying that we could still go back, of saying we're good the way we are. But we didn't so it. We didn't leave with her when we should've and I could only guess that she was hurt. It was her way of saying that we were still friends no matter what."

"And for some God unknown reason, we still are."

"But then again, maybe she did care…Maybe she did fall in just a little bit. Not to them, but to us. Maybe she didn't believe their words and fall for it, but she fell for our words because we were her family. Maybe she thought that we would hate her. Maybe she thought that we would disown her or hurt her. In a way we did, but that was never our intention, at least I don't think."

I stare at her and she looks like she's waiting for something, waiting for me to say something, waiting for me to do one thing.

"There is no miracle here." I tell her, and she nods in understandment. This isn't the same as stealing someone's girlfriend. It's the pain of dozens on your shoulder.

But you have to think. Think about her words. Think about her circumstances and the reality…Think about what you know, and what you don't. Think about what could be the truth, and what is probably a lie. Think about who they hurt, and who hurt them, about how they hurt each other. How we hurt each other.

Then just stop, stop thinking.

And I did, and I started laughing.

'So that's how it is? Is that what she thinks? Is that what happened?'

I don't know. And honestly, I don't care. But right now, she's the only person from that time who's ever told me what they actually really felt, even if it may be a lie.

Right now, she's the only one who's ever thought to tell me what could be the truth. I know if I can trust her or not, but the fact that she's told me something gives me a semblance of happiness. It's a small semblance, but it's there.

It won't change anything, though. No tears will be shed for her, because those tears have already dried up. The tears I had for her were shed when I cried out in the streets, thinking about them, while trying not to.

I look to her pitiful form, her face buried in her hands in shame. There really is nothing to forgive.

If I were to tell the truth, it'd be I don't care anymore. I really don't care anymore. Even if she had once spat on me, and called me unholy names, it's not happening anymore, and I don't care anymore if she's sorry, or if she regrets it, or if she secretly doesn't.

If I did, I would only be letting her control my life.

Not anymore. Never again.

"Don't say it. I don't need to hear it. It doesn't matter anymore."

She freezes at my words first, but eventually shakes her head.

"You may not need to hear it, but I want to say it." She says in defiance and she stares me straight in the eye. "I'm sorry." I flinch at the words, looking away from her serious and dry remorseful eyes. "Thank you for letting me say it." She says briefly after, and I nod weakly. It doesn't matter, because it doesn't really change anything, but it might save her, save her from living in regret. And that's something that I know is hell in itself.

'Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.

Please.

Please wake up.'

I would still be here, in this life where it feels as though, I'll spend the rest of my nights alone.

"Please open your eyes.

I need you to open your eyes.'

I'll still go to work in the same crappy mood as usual. Stan will still annoy me, and bug the hell out of me, and I will still be revered as a frightening figure in the film industry.

'God, please wake up.

I wanna hear your voice.

I wanna see your eyes.

Looking back into mine.'

I will still face each night, imagining what could've been. Still spend the rest of my life wondering why.

'Wake up.

Wake up and look at me.

Wake up and see that I'm still here.

Wake up, please wake up.

Because without you'

No one will change, that I won't change. That nothing will.

'Because I'm scared.'

That she could be the person to change me.

'I need you to change me to something better, because I can promise that I could do the same to you.'

I could change you. I promise I can make you smile without making you feel guilty. I can make you laugh that will sent you to tears of happiness instead of shame. I can be with you, and that's all I can do, but that's all I need to.

I would hold you and never let you go, and I'd kiss away your tears, as you brush mine with your hand.

'I could change you.

Just open your eyes.

And I will change you.'

And I will let the world fall to pieces and let it shatter until the shards are nothing but sand under us.

I will let each person in the world crumble with it, but I'll keep it from you. Even if the world ends, and we are dragged down to the pits of hell, I will grab your hand and crawl with you in tow.

'I will change you.

I will turn you into someone whose guilt disappears with the blowing wind.

I-'

BEEP

My head focuses up to look at the movement made in the corner of my eye. I see Madison mumbling into her cell ,rubbing her tired temples.

"Yeah, okay, sure. I'll be right there."

She closes her cell ,and looks to me tiredly, yet somewhat lighter then when she came in.

"Aiden called. He needs me to give Channel Five News, the coverage. I'm gonna go, but he's gonna drop by just to check on her."

I nod blankly as she turns to pick up her small belongings to leave.

Aiden…

TBC

Yeah....i know it sucks, don't remind me

Nonetheless, how'd you like it, or hate it?