We didn't end up going out anywhere. We stayed in and watched some TV with Carlisle and Esme; it was nice they are just really chilled. I hadn't watched TV with my parents since I was tiny when I use to watch the Disney channel with my dad and he use to pretend to be daffy duck.
We only got to bed at quarter to one and under Esme's instruction I was to sleep in the spare room and Jasper was to sleep in his. She said it would just be for a few days while she got to know me more…
So that left me lying awake in the spare room at three in the morning unable to sleep. I had a feeling inside me and I couldn't put my finger on what it was but all I could tell is that I didn't feel it before, only slightly but it was something that had been nagging away at me for a while.
It felt like, like a hole inside my middle something that could be filled for a time but never long enough and I lived in constant fear of it coming back because… Well I didn't know why but I just did.
There were things that I just did lots of things I just did and purely because I just did and its how things were and no matter how much I tried I just couldn't help it. Like now I was tired, so tired but I couldn't sleep because I just couldn't.
There are reasons behind everything, but sometimes it just takes a while to find out those reasons and I suppose my empty hole was left from being…
Lonely I guess.
Yeah, just lonely all the time and when I was with people I could fill that hole.
There were other things I couldn't quite tell as well, things like I could be with people and be so cheerful for hours then just come right down again and feel miserable. But again, it's just how things were.
Just then my attention was pulled away from the window I was looking out of when I heard the door quietly slide open.
"Alice?" Jasper whispered.
I rolled over to see him standing in the half open door frame.
"Hey" I whispered back and he came in and sat on the bed next to me.
"I didn't think you'd be asleep and I didn't want you to get lonely" I smiled at him and sat up slowly so I was resting on a propped up pillow.
"Thanks" I lent my head on his shoulder and he put an arm round me "So I was thinking and I came to a conclusion"
"Oh really?" He murmured while turning his head slightly, I could smell his minty breath on my face. I do like a boy with nice smelling breath…
"Yes, and I can safely say I have no idea what to do next" I felt Jaspers head tilt slightly and looked up to meet his half confused and half amused face.
"Have no idea to do what next?" He asked.
"Well everything, I mean I'm scared what the reaction will be from my brothers well I tell them I'm living with my boyfriend" He laughed "No really it's not funny if you end up hospitalised by Emmett you won't be laughing" I pointed out and he stopped laughing.
"No that's true" He met my gaze "But at least I won't be sat in A&E with a radiator stuck on my finger" My mouth dropped open.
"OI!" I hit him with the nearest pillow.
"Mhmm, anyway yeah you can stay here and don't need to go home and you have all your school stuff with you so it's easy enough, you just need to relax" He put his arm round me again and took one of my hands.
"I know but the thing is that's not just it at all" He looked at me confused "You're going to do something about eating and-"I could feel my lip starting to wobble and bit it "And I'm scared I won't like it and I'll end up doing something silly" His grip round me got tighter.
"Something silly like…?" I just shrugged my shoulders.
"I don't even know, I mean I just know I'll end up messing things wrong because I'm tapped-"
"Hey, hey, hey!" He looked me straight in the eye "You're not tapped" His beautiful brown eyes searched mine trying to reassure me it was true but I knew it wasn't. I bit my still wobbling lip and looked away; he put his other arm round me and gave me a hug.
"I said earlier we would sort you out and I meant it, we will"
"But how?" My voice was breaking up and you could hear the worry in my voice.
"We'll get you seen by someone, a doctor or something I'll speak to my dad-" My little gasp broke up our hug and he held me at arm's length and looked at me confused "You want to get better don't you?" There was a definite crinkle in his brow now.
"Yeah but" I bit my lip again "But they'll make me put weight on and-"He laughed humourlessly.
"Alice, I'm not being silly or anything but your skin and bones babe" He was searching my eyes and yet again I looked away.
"Well I don't see myself like that" I said harshly.
"But if we get you help you will, I promise you will it's just now this thing you have wrong with you is making you not see what's really there" I had to bite back my tears.
"And what do I have wrong with me?" I asked in a small voice.
"I…" He bit his lip "I'm not sure properly" He pulled me close and held me for what felt like years I wanted this, just this nothing else I would be happy just to spend my life wrapped in Jaspers arms.
But things don't work like that, things are difficult and most of the time never what you want and all you can do is roll with it and hope you come out well. Sometimes you do come out well, sometimes you don't.
And I hadn't.