Ghost designation Ushabti could not Rest. He was at Rest, constantly checking in on his Guardian's vitals, though this was nigh-instinctual after their long years together. He didn't even need to devote full processing power to the scans anymore, not like when he was a young Ghost and so worried about getting everything right. Now he would be able to feel any deviations before his sensors could even fully detect them. Guardian Shenu never quite believed it, but it was true. A Ghost knew their Guardian from the inside out. A Guardian was an extension of a Ghost's Light and being.
It was deep in the night, and Guardian Shenu was sound asleep. His dreams were calm, which foretold a better morning for them both. Ushabti used to try and slip into those dreams once. It was a silly effort — no known Ghost had definitively reported being able to read dreams — but it used to comfort him to think that he could be so close to his Guardian's closest secrets. He didn't think Guardian Shenu knew of those efforts. He was certain that he wouldn't approve.
Things were easier at Rest. There was great freedom in shedding corporeal form and existing as a melding of his Guardian's Light. Raw processing power decreased. His thoughts even felt free from the more linear constraints of matter. Guardian Shenu often chided him for what he called two-dimensional thinking, instructing that matter only constrained so much as one wished it to. Despite being part and parcel of his Guardian's very existence, Ushabti could not wrap his mind around the concept like Guardian Shenu could.
At Rest, his thoughts traveled in filaments of unseen Light, part of a web that he imagined was glistening and vast, stretching throughout the Tower to every Ghost and Guardian. Stretching out into the universe. If he listened, if he simply let himself be, perhaps he could find the Light of all creatures.
Perhaps he would find her Light.
It was because of her that Ushabti could not Rest. Only recently could he even begin to admit that to himself, and the thought still filled him with pain and confusion. What was happening to him? He wanted to be a good Ghost. He wanted to take care of his own Guardian, just like he was supposed to. Just like he had always done. He didn't want these new, terrifying feelings intruding into his existence.
But he couldn't help it. He wanted another Guardian.
The very idea was sacrosanct and deeply shaming. He could actually note the drops in his own diagnostics whenever the thought crossed through his circuitry, so overwhelmingly distressing that it was. It should not be. It could not be.
Guardian Zinnia was the most wonderful thing he had ever encountered. Her Light was a brilliant sun, a new Sol, that warmed him every time she was near. It made Guardian Shenu's Light seem somehow less bright, less sustaining. But that was impossible! Guardian Shenu's Light was hisLight! They were inseparable! One could not be distinguished from the other! Every Ghost knew that.
Ushabti had tried to tell himself that these feelings were a trick or an illusion. The product of failing circuitry or too many Restless nights. He was getting old, after all.
They would not stop.
Just this evening, upon her return from the Cosmodrome, he had felt Guardian Zinnia's presence before she had even reached her desk in the Archives. It was like a springtime day on his fins. It was like the joy of that very first resurrection, when he had made his purpose come to life and his Guardian had smiled up at him.
Guardian Zinnia had smiled at him tonight. She'd had blood all over her face and her vestments. He couldn't help but send a surreptitious scan over her. Ghost designation Perdita was a good Ghost, but one could never be too careful. She was a young Ghost, as these things went. Perhaps she had missed something. The sight of the blood had agonized him in a way that it hadn't for a very long time. Ghosts became less sensitive to the rigors of battle through long experience. Seeing those rigors taking their toll on Guardian Zinnia had made him feel like it was his very first battle all over again.
What creature had dared to hurt her? The thought made him prickly with anger. He would zap them until their hair stood on end! He would send a pulse of Light to knock their teeth out! He would — !
Guardian Shenu grunted in his sleep. His agitation was bleeding through, marring his Guardian's peaceful slumber. He needed to calm down.
Ushabti made an effort to settle himself. He listened to his Guardian's heartbeat and dissolved into it. A long time passed where he simply existed as Guardian Shenu, as close as blood, as vital as breath.
Inevitably, the shameful thoughts returned.
Would Guardian Zinnia's heartbeat sound so soothing? Couldn't he protect her even better than Ghost Perdita? Perhaps she wouldn't have been hurt in the first place if he had been there. Ghost Perdita…oh, he was not jealous of Ghost Perdita! No, no. There was no reason to be jealous of another Ghost! That would just be ridiculous!
But…couldn't she have prevented those injuries? She must have overlooked something. She must have given an incorrect reading of hostile signatures. She must have confused her Guardian with needless chatter or troubled Light and emotion. A Ghost had to remain as calm as their Guardian in the heat of battle. Even calmer.
As if he could have remained calm. The Hive were spreading on Earth once more. This was a disaster. This was a bad thought-fiction come true. Guardian Shenu was not willing at first to believe the reports from Guardian Zinnia or the newly Reborn. Ushabti hadn't wanted to believe them either. Yet Vanguard Commander Zavala would not lie about such things. His Ghost would not lie. Ushabti had received the intelligence straight from them.
Any doubts he'd tried to entertain were lost when he'd seen Guardian Zinnia in the Archives. He knew that hunted look in her green eyes. He knew that spike in heart rate, that tiny quiver of fear in her muscles that no sense of pride at defeating those creatures of Darkness could totally erase. He was so proud of her! So very proud to hear she had destroyed them. And so very terrified to think of how close he'd come to losing her, without ever knowing.
She was so brave. Not like the quivering, useless mote of Light he was.
Guardian Shenu rolled over and groaned. Ushabti admonished himself. Stupid, foolish Ghost! Thinking of the Hive was the worst thing he could do right now! It was no use worrying. There was nothing to be done tonight except to watch over his Guardian. From here o out, he would be a good Ghost and contribute to a peaceful night's sleep. He would monitor the minute workings of cells that labored to put things right in Guardian Shenu's body after a day of existing in the flesh and make sure everything was functioning optimally — despite the fact that Ushabti could recombine him, atom by atom, over and over and over again, that his Guardian was free of the mortal cycle that civilians could not escape.
He slipped into his favorite thought fictions of guiding Guardian Zinnia to victory in the Crucible. In these scenarios she would win against anyone, including Guardian Great Dane and his team. Guardian Lord Shaxx would be so pleased to see the Warlock's victory at last that Guardian Zinnia would thank Ushabti for the Crucible Handler's favorable notice. She really seemed to like Guardian Lord Shaxx. She gave her nice smile to him all the time, and sighed over his lack of notice. If he were Guardian Lord Shaxx, he would make sure that he memorized that smile every day. If it was possible for him to be jealous of a Guardian, then Ushabti was quite jealous of Guardian Lord Shaxx.
But of course he wasn't jealous. Oh, no! It was good and fine to be a Ghost! Ghosts didn't need the affection of any Guardian that wasn't their own. They didn't even need their own Guardian's affection. They only needed to care for them and support them in their duties. That was a Ghost's purpose, and it was good enough. It had to be good enough. The Traveler had borne each of them for one Guardian. There were no mistakes in the choosing. When Ushabti thought about his choice, he knew it was not a mistake.
Therefore, these feelings were just shadows and fallacy. They could not be real. They could not harm his bond with Guardian Shenu. He would simply have to watch out around Guardian Zinnia. He could't allow his distress to upset Guardian Shenu. That would be unkind, and he would be negligent in his duties. If he could not be one of the great Ghosts, he would be a good Ghost.
Maybe he could ignore Guardian Zinnia for a little while. Maybe he could request to go somewhere else during her lessons. Would Guardian Shenu suspect anything if he left the room whenever she was near? Did he suspect anything already?
Guardian Shenu sighed and very nearly woke. Ushabti silently berated himself. No more thinking tonight. He had to try and Rest completely. Morning was only a few hours away and Guardian Shenu would be rising early.
Ushabti considered the Light web. The web of interconnectedness, the web of all creation. He let his Light play upon it, slowly drifting outward. He considered the hubs of the web as another being — Ghost or Guardian, or even creatures like cat designation Ebla — and their passing curiosity was sparkling dewdrops. The whole construct really was far too complex for even his circuitry to truly comprehend, but thought exercises like these from the Warlocks helped soothe him, and that would keep him from disturbing Guardian Shenu.
In the morning, Guardian Zinnia would begin serving penances. Guardian Shenu was not at all pleased with her engaging the Hive instead of retreating. She was going to be very upset. She was already very upset — oh, the way Guardian Shenu had raged at her would make anyone fearful! Ushabti had wanted so very badly to comfort her, to let her know he thought she had done well. He could do no such thing. Guardian Shenu was her Mentor, and he knew best. Ushabti just wished that it wasn't so hurtful to witness her punishment. Couldn't Guardian Shenu be a little more lenient? Surely such anger was only necessary for a miserable Ghost like himself!
Guardian Shenu woke. He sat up in bed, mumbling about penances, looking around the dark room with sleep-blind eyes. Ushabti was struck through with humiliation. Now he'd really done it! Stupid, foolish, useless Ghost!
"Ushabti…?" Guardian Shenu called, voice thick and groggy.
I'm here!
Guardian Shenu sighed and lay back down on his pillow.
Shall I get you anything? Ushabti asked, hoping to make up for his blundering mistake. Guardian Shenu only rolled over.
Ushabti left his Rest. If he couldn't be calm now, then he would just have to be apart from his Guardian until he could be.
I'm going to do some more research on the Void, he said. He really wasn't sure what he was going to do for the remainder of the night. But he needed to give Guardian Shenu a chance to sleep!
Guardian Shenu's only answer was a grunt. Ushabti hovered close to his Guardian's cheek, studying his features, letting vitals information wash through his processors again. Guardian Shenu's stress levels were elevated from his awakening. Not enough to cause severe consequences for his health, especially if he could get back to sleep quickly, but it disappointed Ushabti all the same. If only he could stop being a nuisance and go back to the way things had been long ago! Before Mare Imbrium. Before he'd proved his cowardice and stupidity to his Guardian. To everyone.
"Ushabti!" Guardian Shenu groaned, turning over again. "Light, your fins tickle!"
Ushabti left the room before he could make things any worse.