Tris
Tobias and I arrive at my house about 10 minutes after we leave the old Dauntless compound. He parks his truck against the curb and then we get out and walk the small path up to the front door. We walk inside to find nobody home.
"Do you want anything to drink?" I ask, setting down my backpack and removing my shoes.
"I'm alright, thanks." Tobias says, doing the same. I nod and walk into the kitchen, grabbing a water bottle from the fridge, and then walking back into the foyer.
"Want to go upstairs?" I ask, getting his attention from where he stood, looking at the family photos hanging on the wall.
"Yeah sure," he agrees, turning away from my fifth grade school portrait. I grab my backpack and hand him his, not expecting it to weight so much.
"What do you have in here?" I breathe, my arm struggling to lift his backpack.
"Books and stuff," he chuckles while effortlessly taking his backpack and slinging it over his shoulder.
"'And stuff'?"
"Come on, let's go up," he says with another laugh.
I brush off the mysterious attitude and lead him up the stairs and down the hall.
"It's so weird, it feels like I'm at home," he says quietly, looking around the hall.
"What?" the confusion clear in my voice.
"Well, I live in the old Abnegation sector too. All of the houses are really similar. The one other Abnegation house I was in was almost the exact same as mine. Except that family had painted their walls. Your house though, is exactly the same. Except I don't have that door in my house," he explains, pointing to my bedroom door.
"Interesting," I nod in understanding. All of the Abnegation houses look identical on the outside, and I always wondered what the insides looked like. Guess I already know. "Well then, have a look in here," I say, opening the door to my room. We step inside and I drop my backpack on the floor by my desk.
Tobias drops his while looking around at my room. I take this time to go over to my dresser and take out a pair of my beloved sweatpants.
"I'll be right back," I tell him and head to my bathroom. I shut myself in, and sit on the toilet. I haven't gone since lunch and I thought I was going to burst. As I sit, I peel off my skinny jeans and ball them up. I aim for the hamper and make it. I smile to myself as I put on my sweatpants. When I finish with everything, I stand up and flush. After washing my hands, I go back out into my room. I enter to find Tobias looking at a small picture in his hands; the one that I always have resting on my bed side table.
"Is this your parents?"
"Yeah. That was taken in front of our old house on our last day in California," I say, remembering. It was incredibly hot that day, and we were lifting boxes all day. We all look pretty disgusting in that photo, which is why I only keep a small one. But it was an important day. Caleb and I lived our entire lives in that house, and we had to just get up and leave it forever.
"I look gross in that picture."
"You look beautiful, and so tan," he says, touching the photo.
I blush from his words. "Yeah, any tan I did have, faded away pretty quickly once I got to Antarctica, here."
He sets the picture back down on the table, exactly how it was before, and turns to face me. He looks at my change of clothes and I blush deeper. "You're still beautiful though, tan or not," he says, not acknowledging my sweatpants.
I walk two steps towards him and he embraces me. "Thank you, Tobias," I say and I perch up onto my tiptoes and place a gentle kiss on his lips. He kisses me back. I kiss him but this time with a bit more passion. He places one hand on the small of my back and the other holds my cheek, and I wrap my arms around his neck.
After a few moments we break apart. "We should probably get started."
I groan, but nod in agreement. "I am going to go get Caleb's chair," I tell him. He nods and walks over to his backpack. I exit my room and enter the one across the hall. I take Caleb's chair and roll it across the hall and into my room. I arrive to find Tobias opening his math book. I roll the chair up to the side of the desk and plop down. Then I use my feet to pull and roll myself in the chair across the floor towards my backpack, then I take my position back at the desk. I have always been jealous that Caleb got the rolling chair.
"Math first?" I ask Tobias.
"Sure," he says, opening a notebook.
We spend a half an hour on math. It actually makes sense when Tobias explains it, which is surprising, considering I am terrible at math. I close my book with a satisfied slam.
"I don't know how you did it, but you made me understand it," I say, grinning at Tobias. "Thank you."
"No problem. I will always help you," he says, closing his book, much less dramatically than myself. He turns his head and grins back at me. I press my lips to his and he kisses me back, with similar passion as earlier.
We kiss a bit longer this time around, until I pull away. I giggle at his pout. "We have to do Chemistry," I remind him, running my finger over his full bottom lip.
"Fine," he groans.
After about forty-five minutes of trying to understand the Chemistry, we finally finish.
"So are we done?" he asks; his eyes excited at the thought, probably, of more kissing.
"I have to read two more chapters of my Erudite History book," I tell him. A similar pout as earlier crosses his face again. I feel as though I have seen this expression somewhere else too, though I can't think of where.
I take my Erudite History textbook and walk over to my bed. I lie down on my stomach and open my book to chapter ten.
Tobias walks over and lies down on his back next to me, placing his hands under his head. He looks extremely sexy laying like that, looking up at me with his deep blue eyes.
"You're very distracting," I chuckle at him.
"So are you," he replies.
"Tobias," I start.
"Okay, okay," he says, sitting up. I am about to tell him he doesn't need to go anywhere, but he doesn't leave. He flips around and lays his head down on the small of my back, using it as a pillow. The close contact sends a shiver up my spine and deep into my belly. In this position, I notice that I now have a perfect view of a certain area of his jeans. I lower my eyes at all costs. Not that there is much to see with his jeans on, but I still lower my head back towards my book, blushing.
Tobias uses his fingers to trace shapes all over my back as I read. I am a few pages into chapter eleven, and he starts playing with my hair. It actually feels amazing. I try not to acknowledge him, or his jeans in front of me, and concentrate on reading.
Finally, I finish the chapter and I close my book. My back is sore from sitting this way for so long, so I flip over. My change in position causes Tobias' head to rest on my abdomen, making the clenching in my belly that much tighter.
"All done," I say, smiling down at him. He smiles back, but he doesn't move. Suddenly he laughs at nothing.
"What?" I ask him, a smile creeping up on my lips.
"Your stomach just made a noise," he says and I laugh too. His deep voice vibrates through my stomach and tickles me.
"I like your laugh," he says.
"I like yours," I reply. His laugh with his friends is different than it is with me. When he is with me it sounds deep, and not forced. It sounds real. I have only heard him laugh like that with Zeke. "Did you know that you smell good?" I ask him.
He frowns but he laughs. "No."
"You do, I can't describe it. You smell… manly," I attempt to explain, laughing at my description.
"You smell good too," he says. I scoff at this.
"I don't use perfume."
"Well than I guess that it's just the scent of you," he says with a small smile. He is so lovely sometimes it is hard to handle.
"What do I smell like?" I ask, genuinely curious now.
"Perhaps like flowers or fruit," he says, causing me to laugh. "You smell amazing."
"We're a couple of dorks, aren't we?" I ask, laughing. He nods with a small smile.
"That feels nice," he says. I hadn't even really noticed I was doing it, but I was running my hand through his short hair.
"Mm," I hum. "I liked when you did this to me earlier." He smiles and closes his eyes.
I thought he had fallen sleep, but suddenly his eyes opened really wide, startling me.
"What?" I demand, as he sits up.
"Somebody is home," he says in a tense voice.
"What?" I say, confused this time.
"I heard the back door open."
"How on earth could you hear that? You have incredible hearing!"
"No, I am just used to listening for my father," he says quietly. "I think because our houses are pretty much the same, it sounded the exact same."
This time I listen, I hear somebody coming up the stairs, and then there is a knock on my bedroom door. We both are on our feet, and I walk over to my door.
"Yeah?" I ask, as I swing it open, to find Caleb.
"Oh good, you're home," he says, looking past me into my room. "You guys are up here alone?" he asks, narrowing his eyes.
"Yeah." His eyes grow narrower. I am not sure if he suspects that we are doing something, or if Tobias will do something to me like Peter did. Either way, Caleb is suspicious. "Caleb, we were doing homework," I reassure him.
He nods when he sees the textbooks on my desk. But I can tell he doesn't fully believing me, and turns to leave.
"Wait," I say. I walk into my room and roll his chair back across it. "Sorry," I say, while rolling his chair into his hands.
"It's fine," he replies. Then he rolls his chair back into his room and shuts himself inside. I shut my door and walk back over to Tobias, who has taken a seat on the edge of the bed.
"Should I leave?" he asks.
"Please stay," I say, sitting down and putting my arm around his waist.
"Okay," he says, and puts his arm around me too. "What do you want to do?" he asks.
"I have some ideas," I say before planting a kiss on his smiling lips. We kiss, and then it gets a bit more heated. In the spur of the moment, I straddle his lap. After a few minutes of kissing him this way, I feel him against my leg. I freeze.
"I'm so sorry," he says, lifting me off of him and setting me on the bed. He stands, and faces away from me.
I still cannot find words. I know that I am being irrational. I need to calm down. But I cannot help the old memories, which remind me of the fears that I have yet to overcome.
"I should go," Tobias says, walking over to his backpack, still not turning to face me.
"Tobias," I say, in barely a whisper. He either doesn't hear me, or ignores me because he continues with packing up his things. I stand and walk over to him and place a hand on his back. "Tobias," I repeat.
Finally he turns and I see his deep blue eyes.
"I am so sorry, Tris," he says, looking down.
"It's okay, Tobias. It's not your fault," I assure him.
"Yes it is!"
"You cannot always control it."
"But I should have. I didn't try hard enough," he says. The sadness in his voice threatens to bring me to tears.
"No, it's okay," I say, grabbing his hand.
"It's not okay, Tris. I don't ever want to hurt you."
"You could never. It was my fault, I shouldn't have sat on your lap," I apologize.
"No, it was my fault. I know what happened to you. I should have tried harder to control myself."
I hold his cheek with my free hand and lean his face back up so I can see his eyes. I come to a sudden realization. "You shouldn't have to. I am so sorry."
I drop his hand, and the hand that holds his cheek. I take a step away from him. "We shouldn't do this."
"We won't. We won't do anything you don't want to do."
He doesn't understand and I shake my head. "No, we should do this," I say again, waving my hand between us.
"Do what?" he asks, clearly still not understanding, or denying that he does. After a moment, my heart breaks as his eyes come to a conclusion.
"We shouldn't be together."
"What?" he demands, a tad bit louder than before. "Tris-" he starts gently, but I cut him off.
"I don't want to hold you back. I don't want to get in the way of something you want," I say, tilting my head down, and closing my eyes to try to hold in the tears.
"Tris, I only want to be with you."
"No, all boys want that one thing. And I'm not going to give it anytime soon. I want you to be happy. You should find a girl that will give you everything you need," I say. My tears come out, despite everything I am doing to try to hold them in. I have only known Tobias for a short time, but it feels like it has been so much longer.
"Tris, no. I don't need anything," he says. He takes a step, closing the gap. He places his finger under my chin and leans my face up to him. I finally open my eyes to find his deep blue ones. There is so much sadness and worry and that thing-which-I-cannot-name in his eyes, which it only makes my tears come faster.
"Tris, I am not going to go anywhere. Especially not for that," he says, wiping away my tears.
"You should be with a girl who will give you everything that you want and need."
"I don't want any other girl. I only want this girl," he says, placing his forehead against mine. "Only you."
I give in and wrap my arms around his neck, and he wraps his around my waist. "How did I find you?" I whisper.
"I ask myself that question all the time."
"Thank you, Tobias."
"Thank you."
In this moment, I feel safe. I feel protected. I feel like this is it. There is no one else, there never will be. This is it for me, I found it. I found a home for my heart.
Author's Note: I think that I needed to touch on her "intimacy" thing and its effect on her insecurities a little bit.
I think this chapter was a little depressing but it was a bump in the road, everything is okay now.
Please take a moment to review :)
-GerdyGertha