-21-

Thursday, January 12

"Have you seen Elliot? It's so strange, that no one mentions him, but this void is there."

"I know, it's just odd. I've seen him, once, about two months after the shooting. He called me, finally—I think Kathy made him—and we met for coffee."

"And?"

"And, it was completely surreal, and at the same time completely mundane. We talked about Kath, the kids, a weekend trip I took to see a friend in Miami...but nothing about the job?"

"Nothing?" Alex asked, incredulous that two people whose entire relationship was forged in the crucible of investigating the worst things humans can do to one another, could sit and not mention one single thing about that job to one another. The waiter stopped by with more coffee, creating a temporary pause in the dialogue before the brunette continued.

"Not a word," Olivia confirmed. "I'd felt sure he called me to—I don't know, not to explain, really. I mean, when I could be objective about it, I obviously knew why he'd decided to retire, all the crap that led up to it. But there was definitely some closure lacking, you know?"

"Believe me, I know closure. My shrink is all about the closure. She never shuts up about it. Needless to say, she thinks I need some."

"That bad, huh?" Olivia laughed, not wanting to show her surprise that Alex was not only seeing a therapist, but was being so forthcoming about it.

"Well, put it this way: One night a couple of months ago I was watching part of Glengarry Glen Ross on TV, and for weeks afterward, every time I'd have coffee, I'd think to myself, Coffee is for closure."

Olivia laughed. "Wow, that is bad. And thanks, now I'll have that stuck in my head for weeks, too."

"Sorry," Alex laughed. "It wouldn't be so bad if it worked, but I'm still closure-deficient in the eyes of Dr. Sharon Jackson of Wellness Associates."

"Closure-deficient?" Olivia asked. "God, please tell me that isn't actually written on a chart or something."

"Probably not. I'm sure there's some term from the DSM that describes my inability to get my shit together."

Olivia decided to ask the question she'd had trouble ignoring for several minutes now. "I didn't know you were seeing anyone, Alex. Doing any good?"

"Well, I guess the jury's still out on that, but it's certainly less of an ordeal than it was last time."

"Last time?"

"Yeah, there was some mandatory counseling when I left WITSEC, and I even continued it a month or so beyond the requirement, but I was so closed off it didn't do a damn bit of good."

"And now?"

"Now...well, at least I'm doing it because I want to, so I don't have that sent-to-the-principal feeling. But wanting to means being more committed, and more committed means you just dredge up more crap to deal with. So, it's a mixed bag. But I think I finally know I need to do it, so I'm giving myself the gift of cleaning out all the cobwebs."

"Good, I'm glad, Alex."

"Me, too." And she was. She'd grown up in a family that saw therapy as something other people did, and she'd held that view herself for many years, thinking she could grit her teeth and bulldoze through anything. It had been a relief to lay down some of that burden.

"Isn't now the part where you tell me I'd benefit from it myself?" Olivia asked, only half-joking.

Now Alex really laughed, shaking her head. "Oh, you've confused me with some other therapy-going emotionally wrecked fuck-up you know. It's helping, I think, but I'm no evangelist for the therapeutic process."

"Yet another reason I like you."

"Sorry, Olivia, how did we even get off on a tangent about my psyche, anyway? We were talking about Stabler."

"Yeah, we were, weren't we?" Olivia laughed, running a hand through her hair. "Not much else to say, though. Getting together was awkward, like something we both did because we had to: me, to kind of turn the page on that chapter. Him, I think, because he felt he owed it to me."

"Don't you think he did?"

"Sometimes. I go back and forth, though. He and Kath, the kids, they were my family when I had none. We were friends." The brunette had clearly given this a lot of thought. "But, I trusted him with my life every day for 12 years, and I'm still alive, so I guess that's all he owes me, actually."

"You're very sanguine about it."

"I wasn't at first, of course. I was pissed and hurt."

"I know," Alex pointed out. "I was around, remember?"

"Yeah, I've tried to forget, actually. I was just not myself, and I need all my energy to just do the job. Being nice was beyond me, I'm afraid."

"What changed?"

"Everything." They both laughed, realizing how true that statement was. "Rollins & Amaro settled into the squadroom, and the rhythm of the whole place just shifted. Cragen played fast and loose with the assignments for a while, so we all got a chance to know each other. Not being with the same partner day in and day out was good for me—I think it distracted a bit from who that partner wasn't. And Munch and Fin—especially Fin. They were there but not in my face about it. And having you and Casey back in the fold, it helped even if it didn't seem like it to you. You know, the hardest thing about seeing Elliot was that I expected it to be like all the times I've gone so long without seeing you. It's never really awkward between us, and I was just shocked when he and I couldn't seem to find two sentences to string together."

Alex wasn't ready to touch that, so she avoided it. Despite being a willing patient in her therapist's office, she was not ready to put herself on anyone else's couch. She changed the subject. "How are Rollins & Amaro?"

"They're okay," Olivia gave what amounted to effusive praise, coming from her. "But you don't like him, do you?"

"What makes you say that?"

Olivia laughed. "Come on, Alex. You asked him if he wanted to try the case."

"I've said worse to all of you. You just don't remember—I must be getting soft in my old age."

"Oh, I remember how you were, a ball-buster, just so tough and ready to prove it every day."

Thinking of her first year with the squad, Alex laughed a bit but felt a slight blush on her cheeks. "I wanted to be accepted, probably more than I was able to admit to myself."

"You were accepted, probably two or three cases in when we knew you had a pair of brass ones and were willing to put it on the line, for us and for the victims."

"Then why did I feel like an outsider for a year?" Alex asked, genuinely shocked that the squad had allowed her into their circle so long before they ever let her know about it.

"We just like to make you work for it," Olivia teased, and Alex smiled, but then suddenly her face grew serious.

"I still feel that way sometimes, you know. Like I have to prove I belong there."

"You're kidding, Alex."

"No, I'm not. I go, and I come back, and every time something's different, I'm cleaning up a mess some other ADA made, explaining where I've been, doing penance for having left in the first place. I still feel like I have to prove myself all the time in the 1-6. Earn your trust."

"You don't. Everyone there has your back, Cabot." The use of Alex's last name took a little of the emotional charge out of the conversation, brought it back to the squadroom banter they were both used to.

"Everyone but Amaro?" Alex joked.

"Nah, even him. He's just trying to assert his bona fides."

"And Rollins? I have trouble getting a read on her, to be honest."

"I know what you mean. She's got her own approach. She hangs back a bit, definitely content to follow the lead most of the time. There's a spark there, though, and you can really see it when she's with Fin—they seem to have a real rapport. But when Amanda does say something, you listen, because she's really thought it through."

"How is it, having another woman around? It's been forever."

"Yeah, Jeffries left the same time you and Fin showed up, so 12 years or so? It's kind of nice, Rollins, you and Novak—the level of testosterone seems to be tamped down just a bit."

"You think Amaro will be your partner?"

"Yeah, that's the way it's looking. And he's a stand-up guy. Not long after he showed up, we're on a case one day, when he just casually tells me his sister's a lesbian, no hullabaloo, just is what it is."

"Just letting you know he's okay with it?"

"Yeah, I think. And sometimes I feel like that's a bit patronizing, but I didn't mind this," Olivia said, and Alex nodded. She had experienced this herself, and the who and the how of it really affected how she felt about it.

Olivia continued, "I don't care if my dry cleaner or the building super or the maitre d' has a problem with it. They can go fuck themselves, you know. But your partner? You have to know where you stand. You need to know you can rely on them, or you need to know you can't. And if that's the case, time to change partners."

"You counted on Elliot."

"Absolutely, 100%. And I knew he'd never let anything happen to me. But my being gay still seemed like a moral dilemma he wrestled with."

"Hate the sin, love the sinner?"

"Something like that, I guess. So I just kept it quiet. Not a huge sacrifice, really," Olivia admitted. "I'm a private person by nature, and it's not like there was a long string of women I had to keep under wraps, anyway." She looked up at Alex, and smiled, a shy smile that took Alex's breath away. "But it is freeing, in some ways, to step out and be who I am, in full, to stop playing the pronoun game and all that."

"I know what you mean. With Branch gone, McCoy gone, Cutter as the EADA, Hogan Place is finally sneaking into the 21st century too."

Liv raised her glass.

"To progress."