Bella
I'm getting out of the hospital today. It will be the first time I've seen Nessie since the night of my wedding. After my impulsive suicide attempt Edward decided not to let her visit while I was in that state. I'm grateful to him for that. For days after my failure I was catatonic. I didn't speak to anyone, I knew they were there but I tuned everything out. It was easier that way… easier to make sense of life and my situation. It was then that I realized dying wasn't the solution. Leaving Nessie a half- orphan would make her empty inside and angry. I need to live, if not for me, then for her. Though I have to admit it's a struggle of will power just trying to lift my eye lids to let in the light. The desire to remain sleeping, permanently sleeping, still finds me. However, the drive to be there for my child is stronger.
They wheeled me out and Alice was there with Jasper and the car. They helped me get into the back and they took me to their house. I'm selling the pent. Having to live there without Garrett and still seeing constant reminders of him would only make me more depressed. If I'm going to be okay then I need a fresh start. For now, I'm staying with Alice and Jasper. They've moved into a bigger house because they're going to start trying for a baby. For now, they are letting me crash in the guest room.
When we got to their place I got out and walked slowly into the house. I wanted to take in the cold air. It was a cloudy, sad- looking day. It's funny how nature can mirror your emotions. Alice opened the door and I walked inside, climbing the stairs, with Jasper's assistance and into the guest room. It was a nice space and warm.
I immediately lay down on the bed and curled up. Something I hadn't been able to do in the hospital. It was a good change.
For an hour or so I just lay on the bed, staring out the window at the rain that had started up. I started crying. Crying because life is such a bitch. It couldn't even give me a full year of marital bliss with Garrett before it took him away. It couldn't even let me go with him. Life and death just annulled my marriage. The thing I was going to do right this time around. My portion of happiness.
The door opened and half the bed weighted down.
"Now that we aren't in the hospital… we've gotta have a real chat." Said Alice.
"Alice pl…"
"No Bella, no Alice please! Don't you ever in your life try to kill yourself again! Nessie depends on you! I depend on you! You were so selfish. How could you be so selfish?"
"I just wanted the pain to stop. I wanted it to go away Alice. I didn't want to feel anything at all."
"Oh Bella…"
"Don't worry. I won't be doing that again. I'm sorry you had to see that."
"I've never been so scared. Not even when you were in surgery! Blood was everywhere you were dying… it's like I saw the life literally flowing out of your wrists. You better not tell a soul but you scared me so badly that I pissed myself."
That made me laugh, my first laugh since waking up and finding out that I was now a divorcee and a widow. Alice laughed until she couldn't anymore and I laughed until I cried. Literally cried…the kind of cry that'd been begging to come out since they sewed up my wrists and sent me to the psych ward for suicide watch and then back to a hospital room.0
"I don't know what to do!" I yelled. "I just don't know what to do!"
"You live Bella, you just keep living." She said, crying as well.
Tears, tears and more tears. Rosalie came to visit and that was more tears and more threats and fussing. I have to admit that I half expected to be fussed on by her and Alice. What I did was stupid and even though a large portion of me wishes I were dead, I'm still glad I didn't die that way.
After I'd cried all I could for the moment Alice and Rosalie went off the start a welcome home dinner for me. I didn't have much of an appetite but they insisted that I eat.
I heard the doorbell ring and then the sound of little feet running up the stairs. It0 was Nessie. She busted into the room like a tornadic wind and ran to me, hugging me. I hugged her back and I stroked her curly bronze locks.
"Mommy I'm so glad you're home."
"Me too baby…"
"Can I lay with you?"
"Yeah, just take off your coat and shoes."
She took off her coat and shoes and jumped in bed with me. It felt good to wrap my arms around her and I realized how much I would have missed this and how much better it made me feel.
"Mama… I said bye to Garrett for you. They wouldn't let people see in the casket but I taped a letter from us into the bottom of it and I put your name on it."
"Thanks Nessie." I started to cry again.
"When we were cleaning out the apartment I found a picture of us three on a picnic. Can I keep it mama?"
"Of course you can."
"I've been sad."
"Me too."
"Daddy says you just have to think about happy stuff. It helps a little but not a lot."
"Well, now that I'm getting better maybe we can help make each other happy."
"I'd like that."
I know I'll never be that same after this. For the rest of my life I'll probably have moments where I can't speak and I can't breathe. Where I cry for no reason and lock myself away. I'm a chipped china dish, there's a piece of me that's missing and it can never be glued back in. Luckily, I'm surrounded by a lot of other great dishes that make my missing piece bearable… even if that space is always jagged and empty.
Edward
I stood outside the door listening to Bella and Nessie talk and catch up. I'm glad she's finally getting to see Bella. It was tough keeping them apart when Bella tried to kill herself but now that she can see her I think they'll both start to get better.
After a few minutes I knocked on the door frame gently.
"Dinner's ready."
"I'm not hungry." Said Bella.
"I don't think they'll be taking no for an answer. Rosalie's already said she'd send Emmett to come and get you if there was a sign of struggle."
"What are they even serving?" she asked, sounding annoyed.
"Mashed potatoes, gravy and meatloaf mama! It's your favorite!"
"Well… I guess I'll come down for a few bites. I'm not really hungry."
"Good. Nessie, go wash your hands."
"Okay Daddy."
I didn't know what to say to Bella but I wanted to say something to let her know that I was sorry and that I was there for her.
"Bella, I want you to know that I love you."
"This is the wrong time to try and hit on me Edward."
"Not like that… I love you like a good friend and like the mother of my child. I just want you to know that I'm here for you. We all are and half the house is still technically yours… if you want it."
"Move back in, with you?"
"And Nessie…"
"I'll consider it."
I went downstairs and sat in the living room with Jasper and Emmett. It was quiet with the exception of the sportscaster's yelling and the sound of beer swishing around in a bottle. This type of quiet was nice.