"Photography is a way of feeling, of touching, of loving. What you have caught on film is captured forever... it remembers little things, long after you have forgotten everything."

– Aaron Siskind

I stare blindly out the window, watching the buildings fly by in a blur of concrete and brick. My hand rests on the center console, entwined loosely and comfortably with Jasper's. His thumb moves lightly over mine, his barely-there touch almost tickling but still pleasurable. Every so often he moves both our hands to the gear shift, and I feel the car pause momentarily as he guides it into a new gear. I smile each time it happens, hoping he does it because he doesn't want to let go of my hand any more than I want to let go of his.

We're on our way to Jasper's first appointment with his new therapist. She came highly recommended by Kate, and both Kate and Garrett are thrilled that Jasper has agreed to try therapy again. Jasper is less excited and more nervous, but determined to give it a chance. He wants Rosie to try as well, and she agreed to start after he finds someone he thinks they can both be comfortable with. Hopefully that person is Dr. Kelly.

We pull up to her office, which is in a tiny bungalow just west of downtown. We walk in together, Jasper's hand resting gently on my hip. I feel relaxed and at home as soon as we step foot on the front porch. There's an old-fashioned porch swing and a screen door, and if not for the wooden sign on her front lawn, I might think we were visiting a friend instead of a psychologist.

Jasper's hand slides across my back and down my arm until he's gripping my hand again. I offer a reassuring smile, and he winks before opening the door to the small reception area. He looks as calm as I feel as he checks in with the receptionist, and I'm relieved that he's so at ease here. He smiles at me sweetly before leading me to sit together on a small love seat in a cozy corner. I pull his arm around me and settle into him, leaning comfortably against his chest. His hand rests on my hip, and his thumb sneaks up to tease the skin beneath the hem of my shirt. I help him balance a clipboard on his knee, and he uses his other hand to fill out forms as I flip the pages for him. It doesn't take long before he's called back to Dr. Kelly's office, and he pulls me right along with him.

She's sitting at her desk when we walk in, but quickly rises to greet us. Her wavy red hair is pulled back into a neat ponytail, and I'm struck by how young and casual she looks – the farthest from intimidating I can imagine. I like her already.

"Hello there, you must be Jasper."

"Yes, ma'am, Jasper Whitlock," he says politely, shaking her proffered hand before she turns to shake mine as well. She eyes me appraisingly for a moment, but her smile puts me at ease. "This is Bella Swan, my girlfriend. Thank you so much for agreeing to see me, Dr. Kelly."

"Please, call me Maggie. It's nice to meet you both. Make yourselves comfortable."

"Are you sure you want me to stay?" I ask. "I don't want to be in the way or anything."

"Don't be silly, Bella. I'll leave the decision up to Jasper, ultimately, but you're welcome to sit in with us for awhile. I would like to have some time alone with Jasper as well. Depending on how things go, it might even be a good idea for you both to come in together at times. Some people prefer having that sort of support system, while some prefer the freedom that comes with individual sessions. We'll just see how things progress, and what Jasper is comfortable with. Sound good?"

"That sounds great, thank you," I say.

"That's good for me, too," says Jasper. He turns to smile at me. "I'm comfortable with whatever she is. I don't like keeping secrets from her."

"That's very good to hear," she says, smiling. "Before we get started, I just have one rule to share with you, and it goes nicely with what you just said. I obviously can't force you to tell me anything, so in a way I'm always going to be at your mercy here. It's your choice to share with me, or not, and hopefully we can work toward building enough trust in this relationship that you feel safe talking to me about anything you want to.

"That being said, lying has no place in this room. It hurts you and your progress, and it hurts our relationship because I'm always going to be able to tell when you aren't being truthful. So if you're ever uncomfortable, or if we go too far and you're not ready to talk about something, I want you to be honest with me about it. Don't try to make up an answer or tell me what you think I want to hear. It's my job to push you so we can make progress, but it's very important to me that you feel safe here. Does that make sense?"

"Yes, ma'am," Jasper agrees, and we both nod.

She spends a few minutes going over Jasper's paperwork and asking general questions to break the ice. She tells us a little about herself and her family and asks about ours. Before I have time to think about it, she's established an easy camaraderie with both of us. We tell her a little bit about Jasper's situation and our concerns about his episodes, and then halfway through the session, Maggie suggests that I excuse myself so they can speak privately for awhile. I squeeze his hand before I go, my eyes questioning his, and he reassures me with a smile and a brush of his lips against my palm.

I curl up on the same love seat we sat on before and pull out a book to occupy the half hour I have to wait. My mind wanders, though, thinking about Maggie and what we talked about. I hadn't been expecting her to suggest that I come to Jasper's sessions with him; I really only came today for support. The more I think about it, the more the idea makes sense. I want a life with Jasper: a future. I don't just want to see him work through his problems, I want to struggle through them with him. I want to be by his side, good times or bad. I want him by mine.

It's not the first time I've thought about our future, but for the first time my vision is concrete and realistic. It's not going to be a fairytale come true, but it's going to be perfect and beautiful in its own way. It'll be scary and fraught with uncertainties, thanks to his mother and his sensitive past. It'll also be full of love, whispered confessions, touches only he knows how to give, and kisses that make my mind go hazy. It might not be easy, but it will be worth it, and I feel like this is our first tangible step toward that future.

"Bella?" My name on his lips and his hand on my cheek pull me out of my daze. "You ready, beautiful?"

My eyes meet his, and I wonder if he's had similar thoughts.

"Definitely," I answer.

He smiles down at me, and for a moment, I think he understands that I was talking about more than going home.

The drive home is quiet and contemplative, with my hand in his and low music stealing the silence. The house is empty when we get there, and we settle into the couch together. Rosie's getting a ride from Tanya so we have a few minutes alone before she gets home.

"So, I was thinking," he begins, hesitantly.

"Thinking, huh?"

"Dangerous, I know," he deadpans.

"Were you thinking about anything in particular, or just practicing your technique?" I tease. I move to my knees and swing one leg over his until I'm sitting in his lap. His hands move to grip my hips, his thumbs rubbing the skin of my waist. He grins, eyes roaming for a moment before they find mine again.

"Now you're distracting me from what I was thinking."

"Well we can't have any distractions, can we? I'll just –"

I try to slide off of his lap, but his hands hold me firmly in place.

"I'd rather you stay right where you are, if you don't mind," he laughs. "I was just thinking… I think I'm ready to try with my mom. I think I should call her and set up a time."

"If you're ready, I think that's great. Have you talked to Rosie about it?"

"Yes. She agreed that I should meet with Mom first, just to get an idea of how she's doing. I don't want her to go through what I did the last time I saw her. She's okay with that."

"Then I say go for it. Let's do it."

"I was thinking about Sunday. Will you – do you still want to come with me?"

"Of course I do, if you still want me there."

"I always want you with me."

I grin stupidly, unembarrassed by how his words affect me. He lets me wrestle his phone out of the pocket of his jeans, and I hand it to him, arching an eyebrow teasingly. He grins wickedly, and I press my lips together, wishing they were kissing him instead.

He stares down at the phone in his hand, and his confidence dissipates. He looks nervous and insecure, and his worries echo in me. I reach out to run my fingers through his hair, scratching his scalp gently to soothe him. He closes his eyes for a moment, smiling and leaning into my touch. When he opens his eyes again, he looks determined. He dials quickly, and I shift forward so he can hold me to his chest.

"Umm… Mom? Yeah, it's me – I mean, it's Jasper."

I feel his heart thumping erratically and the rise and fall of his chest against mine. When he speaks, the sound vibrates through his chest and into mine. I pull myself closer, enjoying the sensation.

"I was wondering if you might be able to meet up on Sunday afternoon," he says, so fast the words are almost hard to discern. I wonder if he thinks saying them faster will make it easier, or if he's worried he won't go through with it if he hesitates at all.

I pull his free hand to me, kissing his palm softly. He links his fingers with mine, and I pull our hands close to my side.

"Okay, great. I guess we'll see you then." He pauses, lifting my fingers to his lips to brush a kiss against them. "Yeah, it's just me and Bella this time. We'll see you Sunday."

He hangs up the phone and takes a deep breath, pulling me tighter against him. We sit wordlessly, and time passes without thought or consideration. I concentrate on his arms around me and the steady rhythms of our hearts and breaths mingling.

"Is she asleep?" Rosie whispers.

"Hard to tell. She's not snoring yet, so – "

"Excuse me?" I interrupt. I sit up quickly, smacking Jasper's chest as hard as I can manage from so close. "I think we all know who the snore machine in this room is."

Jasper pouts dramatically, crossing his arms and jutting out his lower lip. I kiss him quickly and slide off his lap before he can catch me.

"Don't pout, you big baby," Rosie laughs. "You know it's true."

"You girls just love making fun of me, don't you?"

"At least we love you and tease you, right?" I ask. He shrugs. "How was school, Rose?"

"It was fine. It's been a long week, though, and I'm glad it's over. How was your… appointment, Jasper?"

"Good, actually. I really liked Dr. Kelly, and I think you will, too. It's weird, talking about all that stuff. She agreed to go slow, though, and so far so good. She has a couple ideas about the little episodes I've been having."

"Really?" I ask. He hadn't mentioned it in the car, and I suppose they spoke about it while I was waiting in the reception area.

"Yeah, I wanted to wait until Rosie got home so we could talk about it together." He pauses, reaching for my hand and holding it in his lap tightly. Rosie moves to sit across from him on the coffee table, and we wait for him to continue. "She said it's just a guess, for now, based on what I told her about how it feels when it happens – like I'm actually reliving what happened. I told her what you said about my heart rate and breathing picking up and my skin getting cold and clammy."

He hesitates again, and for a moment his face falls back into the insecure mask that his past always drags out of him. I pull his hand to my lips, kissing the scars along its edge. He gives me a small smile in return.

"Jasper, you can tell us," Rosie says. "It's going to be okay."

"I know it will be. And it's not for sure yet, just a possibility. She's thinking it might be Post Traumatic Stress Disorder."

The weight of his words sinks in slowly, surrounding us, suffocating us. I notice a tear starting to make its way down Rosie's cheek.

"But isn't that... why didn't we… how didn't we…" Rosie stutters, trailing off quietly.

"Apparently sometimes the symptoms don't show up for months or years after the trauma, especially if it's prolonged like with what happened to us. She said that might explain the flashbacks and the physical symptoms. She's going to work with me on figuring out what the triggers are and how to work through them. Hopefully you girls will be able to help me with that."

He reaches out for one of Rosie's hands, and she's crying harder now. He lets go of my hand so he can pull her closer, bringing her to sit next to him on the couch. She collapses into tears on his chest, and he holds her, rubbing gentle circles on her back and whispering to her.

"Hey, hey, it's going to be okay. It's something I can work through with your help and Bella's, and Dr. Kelly too. I'm fine, sweetie. I'm fine."

"Th-this is all my fault," she sobs. "She hurt y-you for so l-long."

"Don't you dare put this on yourself, Rosalie. Don't you dare. None of this was your fault. It was always her fault, and I should have seen that sooner. I thought we could be better for her and we could make her want to be better for us. She was sick, sweetie, so sick. I took care of you because I love you. No one forced me to do the things I did."

I sit silently, watching the way he cares for her. So effortlessly. So willingly. Her sobs gradually quiet into hiccoughs and then silence, but he never ceases his whispered words or loosens his comforting embrace.

"I'm so sorry, Jasper. I never should have – I should have listened. I'm so sorry."

"What do you have to be sorry for? You didn't do anything wrong."

Rosie sits up slowly, looking at me briefly before settling her eyes on Jasper. She looks scared, and he stiffens once he notices, pulling her hands into his.

"Jasper, what do you remember about that day? The day she… well… the day she hit me. When you came home, what did you notice?"

"What do you mean, what did I notice? I found you, and Garrett was there… I remember everything about that day."

"Didn't you ever wonder why she hit me?"

"I wasn't there. I know that, Rosie, and I'm so sorry. I should have been there."

"That's not what I'm talking about. It was my fault, Jasper. Mine. She found me with your notebook. I told her what was in it. I told her you were going to save me. I told her you were going to take me away from her. She was furious and so, so wasted. She – she tried to take it from me."

"Rosie, I –"

"Please, just let me get finish, Jasper. I knew how important it was so I tried to run away from her, but she caught me. I was screaming, and that was when Garrett came in. He pulled her off me, and I took the notebook and hid in the closet until you came and got me."

Jasper is silent and his eyes are blank. I don't have to feel his chest to notice how much his breathing has quickened, and I imagine his heart has done the same. I slide closer, placing one hand over his heart and sliding the other up his neck and into his hair.

"Jasper?" I murmur. "Jasper, baby, it's okay. Shh."

"I'm sorry, Bella," Rosie says, and her tears are back now. I shake my head, trying to reassure her.

"It's not your fault."

"Why didn't you tell me, Rosie?" he whispers.

"I didn't know how. I was so scared. It took me all of five minutes to ruin everything you'd worked so hard for. I'm sorry, Jasper. I let you blame Garrett and yourself, and I should have just told you the truth."

He pulls her back into his arms, kissing her forehead sweetly and holding her tight.

"It's okay, sweetie. You didn't ruin anything. You were just a little girl. It's okay."

"But now with all this with the doctor… you protected me, and look what it did to you. Everything you did for me hurt you, and it hasn't stopped hurting you just because she's gone. It's all my fault."

"Rosie, I did what I thought was right because I love you. This is not your fault, do you hear me? This – whatever this is – is a small price to pay, and I'd pay it again. I'm going to be just fine."

He wraps one arm around me, pulling me into his side while Rosie is still buried against the other. I suppose I should feel like I'm intruding, but I don't. I feel safe, loved, wanted, and entirely at home.

–*–*–

June 3, 2005 (Jasper is 17, Rosie is 12)

When Mom walked in the front door, Rosie and I were sitting on the couch with a bowl of popcorn, starting to watch movie. I had Fridays off from the library, so Rosie and I usually spent the day together. Mom had appointments with her therapist every Friday at two, and she was usually pretty worn out afterward and wanted her space. So it didn't surprise me when she said a quick hello, grabbed a bottle of water, and shut herself in her room. I guessed the therapy sessions took a lot out of her.

When the movie was over, I carried our empty bowl to the sink and looked around in the refrigerator for something to make for dinner. We were out of pretty much everything except water and mustard, so I decided I'd have to run to the store. Mom probably hadn't had time to go in awhile, and I didn't want to upset her on a therapy day. I could handle dinner by myself.

"Rosie? You want to go to the store with me? We need groceries."

"Can't I just stay here? It's so hot out, and I want to finish my book."

"I don't know… I'd think it'd be better if you came along."

"I'm a big girl, Jasper. I'll stay in my room, and if Mom wakes up I'll go over to Garrett's house. I know the drill."

I should have been proud of her for being responsible and paying attention, but I hated that she had to think about stuff like that. She shouldn't have had to worry about staying home alone with Mom for an hour or two so I could go buy groceries for dinner. Our mom might have hurt me physically, but she'd taken away Rosie's childhood. I wasn't sure which was worse.

"Alright, but promise me you'll go to Garrett's. He'll be home from work in half an hour, and I'm going to call him and tell him to come get you."

"Don't be such a worrywart," she laughed. "I'll be fine."

I watched her go back to our room and shut the door, and I grabbed Mom's keys and my wallet and headed out the door. I called Garrett on my way to the store, and he promised to pick her up as soon as he got home. I told him Mom was napping and had seemed fine before that, but he said it wouldn't hurt to be cautious and I agreed.

I rushed through the grocery store as fast as I could, picking up some steaks and potatoes that would be quick and easy once I got home. It was already almost six, and I was getting hungry. The store was crowded, though, so it took longer than I'd hoped. I was just loading the bags into the car when my cell phone rang. It was home.

"Hello?"

"Hey, kid, it's Garrett. Where are you?" His voice was strained, and I could hear a commotion in the background.

"I'm just leaving the store. What's going on? I thought you were taking Rosie to your place."

"That's why I came over, but I was too late," he said. He sounded like he was in pain, and I felt like my chest was being crushed. I couldn't breathe. "Jasper, you need to hurry home."

"What happened? Where's Rosie?"

"She's okay, I think. She's hiding in the closet, and your Mom's back in her room. Just come on home, and I'll tell you the rest."

"I'll be there in five."

I threw the last bag in the car carelessly and sped out of the parking lot. The drive home was a blur. All I could feel was the steering wheel beneath my fingers. All I could think about was Rosie. Rosie crying. Rosie bruised. Rosie bleeding. I couldn't believe how stupid I'd been. I left her alone for all of an hour, and Mom managed to fuck it all up. Six weeks left, and I was going to have to run. I always said we'd go if she hurt Rosie, and I meant it. We'd have to pack up and leave that night, before she woke up. Maybe Garrett would hide us at his house for awhile. We just had a few more weeks until I could make it all legal. I just needed more time. But my time had finally run out.

I pulled up in the driveway, barely getting the car into park before I jumped out of the car and ran in the house. I didn't even bring the keys or the groceries.

"Rosie? Garrett?" I called.

I saw Garrett come running down the hallway from my room. He looked awful. His jaw was set, his brow furrowed, and his eyes panicked. He looked as upset as he had that day he found out about my scars.

"What the hell happened? Was she drunk?"

"Very. I think she's passed out in her room now."

"How did she get the alcohol?" I yelled. "I've been watching her… We've been so fucking careful. I drive her to her meetings, I watch her money, I – I – I –"

"Calm down," he said gently. "I don't know how she got it, but she did. That's what addicts do, Jasper. They find a way to get what they want. You can't watch her all the time."

"What'd she do? Is Rosie hurt?"

"I don't know everything. I came to pick her up, and I heard Short Stack screaming when I was on the porch. I busted the door open, and when I found them your mom was holding her by her upper arms, shaking her. She was yelling about lies… filthy lies or something like that. She was telling Rosie to let it go, but I don't know what she was talking about. I pulled her off and I guess that scared her because she ran off to her room, crying. Rosie ran and locked herself in her closet before I could talk to her. She's been crying in there ever since, and I can't get her to come out."

"She won't come out for you."

"I figured as much. I'm sorry, kid. I got here as soon as I could."

"It's not your fault. I never should have left her. Fuck."

I squeezed my eyes shut, pulling my hands through my hair painfully. Thoughts were running through my head so fast, I could hardly make them out. How? I couldn't figure out how any of this had happened. I checked for bottles everywhere. I checked her car. I watched her money. I fucking bought her bottled water so she couldn't hide behind a glass of "ice water" like she used to. Suddenly it hit me.

"Fuck!" I yelled. "The bottles. It was the fucking bottles."

"What bottles?" Garrett asked. "I checked the kitchen and I don't see any liquor anywhere."

"The water bottles. God, I'm such a fucking moron!"

I ran down the hallway to her room, bursting in without even knocking. She was sprawled face down on her bed, and the mostly-empty water bottle sat on the bedside table. I picked it up and took a sip, almost choking when the vodka burned my tongue. I sputtered, spraying alcohol everywhere. When I turned around, Garrett was in the doorway.

"What is it?" he asked."

"Her favorite, of course. Vodka. Fuck. Go pour this out, I'm going to get Rosie."

I handed him the bottle and pushed past him to get to Rosie and my room. I could hear her whimpering on the other side of the closet door as I approached, and I dropped to my knees in front of it.

"Rosie? I'm here, it's okay to come out now."

"J-Jasper? W-where is she?"

"She's asleep now, and Garrett's here too. You're safe, sweetie, it's okay now."

I slid my hand up against the wood, willing her to calm down enough to unlock the door. Every time she locked herself in there, it took a little longer to get her to come out, and I was sure this time would be no exception. This time she was hurt. She was hurt, because I wasn't here to protect her. She was scared and in pain, and it was all my fault.

"Come on out, Rosie. Please? I'll sing to you."

"W-what will you s-sing?"

I didn't even have to think about it. There was only one answer. And so I sang.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away."

I lost count of how many times I looped back through the song, waiting patiently for her to calm down. I didn't move my hand from the door until I heard the lock slide out of place, and the door began to swing open slowly. I kept singing, opening my arms as she crashed into me.

I let her sob on my chest, rocking us both back and forth and singing that song over and over. I felt tears burning their way down my face as I remembered the way Rosie sang that same song to me when she cleaned the wounds on my back from the belt. She sang and sang, until I forgot about the pain long enough to fall asleep. I held her tighter, running my fingers through her hair and rubbing her back. I sang and sang until she stopped crying and pulled back to sit up.

Her eyes were red and swollen, and so was her nose. Her left cheek was, also, and she winced as I brushed my fingers across it carefully. It was already starting to darken into a bruise. I felt my jaw lock into place.

"Did she do that?" I choked out through clenched teeth. She nodded, taking a deep and shuddering breath. "What else?"

She pulled a little farther away and lifted up the sleeves of her t-shirt. I could see red marks on each of her upper arms, I guessed from where Mom had held on and shaken her. I groaned, brushing my fingers against the marks there as well.

"I'm sorry, Jasper," she cried. "It's all my fault."

"This is not your fault, sweetie. I don't want to ever hear you say that again, do you understand me? Mom is sick, and I'm going to make sure she never hurts you again. I promise you that, Rosie. Remember our plan?" She nodded, and I kissed her cheek softly before pulling her back into a hug. "I promise."

I lifted her up and carried her to her bed, struggling a little bit with how big she'd gotten but not caring. I tucked her in and kissed her head, telling her I was going to go get some dinner for her.

When I went back out to the den, Garrett was sitting nervously on the arm of the couch. He shot up when he saw me.

"Is she okay? Did you get her to come out?"

"She's in bed now. I think she'll be alright. It looks like a bruise is coming in on her cheek, and one on each arm from where Mom grabbed her. It could have been worse I guess, but… shit, Garrett."

"It's okay, kid. She's going to be okay. You did your best."

I wasn't sure how much time we had before Mom would wake up, so I needed to act fast.

"Garrett? Can we… well… would you mind if we came and stayed with you for a little while? I'm not sure where else we can go right now, and I need to withdraw my money from the bank before I can find something more permanent."

"What are you talking about?"

"We can't stay here."

"I know you can't, but Jasper… I thought we talked about this. I told you if anything else happened, we'd have to report it. I've already called CPS and they're on their way."

"You what?" I shouted. "But we… they're going to take her from me. I can't let them take her from me, Garrett. What if she goes somewhere that scares her? What if they're mean to her? What if they're just like Mom and they hurt her? I can't let that happen. I can't let them take her from me."

He put his hands on my shoulders, trying to calm me down, but it only made me madder. I shrugged him off and ran to the kitchen.

"Jasper, listen to me. You agreed to this when I agreed to keep your secret. I never should have done that in the first place, but I trusted you. I told you if anything else happened, we were going to do this my way."

"And what is your way, Garrett? It's too soon, and you're letting them take her. I can't fucking believe this. It's all ruined, don't you understand that? I've been planning and saving for this for years. I've been dreaming about the day I could walk out that door – just tell her to fuck off and take Rosie with me. Now what am I supposed to do?"

"Now you're supposed to let the law handle this, which is exactly the way it should be. My way is the only way to keep you safe now. You can't keep on like this, kid. You don't deserve to be hurt like this, and neither does she. Neither of you should be living in fear or having to worry that your mother might be hiding liquor in a fucking bottle of water. It's enough, Jasper. It was enough a long time ago, and I can't let it go anymore. This is it; it's over. You guys are going to be safe now, I promise. I'm going to help you."

"I don't want your help, Garrett. You've done enough, and I think you should go."

"I don't care if you want my help or not," he said, crossing his arms over his chest and standing tall. "I'm going to help you anyway. You can't do this alone anymore. You don't have to do this alone."

I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want help. I didn't want them to take Rosie. I didn't want to admit that I'd failed. I didn't want to have to watch the bruise bloom across Rosie's cheek. I didn't want any of this, but I was out of options. Out of time.

"It's over," I whispered.

"It's over," Garrett said, smiling. He misunderstood my quiet panic for relief. "This is only temporary, Jasper. We'll get you a lawyer, and before you know it this will all be sorted out. You'll get her back, I promise."

"How can you be sure?"

"Because that's what's right, and I'm not going to let anyone forget that."

I hoped he was right.

Thank you so much for reading. Now you know what happened that day and who (Garrett!) called CPS. Who's still with me? Any questions?

Have you ever had a secret you were too afraid to tell?

Love to justaskalice and Lucette21 for their amazing as always beta work. :)