Alexis: I'm sorry that I'm not very good at updating before Tuesday. Though it is Tuesday. Sundays and Mondays usually aren't the 'best' days for writing for me. (At least the last few weeks they haven't been). Tuesday – Friday are usually when I spend most of my time writing. (Though now that I'm officially on summer schedule, that might change).
Outside Heaven
Chapter 21
Blood and Tears
Her heart seemed to stop, though her monitor still recorded its beat. She stared blankly back at Simon and Cecilia. Did she just say what I think she did? Ruthie pondered; they want me to move to London with them? She was in disbelief and she couldn't conceptualize how they could ever pull that off. Lucy would never approve. After all, she had been very clear about wanting her right here with the family.
"You have been through so much," Simon told her, "and the whole town knows you were pregnant. I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but there are conspiracy theories going around. People are saying that Mary helped stage an accident for you so you could get rid of your baby…"
"What?" Ruthie gasped. That was the most absurd story she had ever heard. Ruthie couldn't ever imagine doing such a heartless action.
"And with Mary flying the coop shortly after the accident, that even turns more heads and adds to their suspicion," Cecilia added. Ruthie's head began to throb again. Of course Mary flying back to New York caused suspicion. The problem was, the town of Glen Oak did not understand Mary. Mary couldn't face her guilt; when things got tough she would just 'get out.' She had her father to thank for that. After all, he had been the one that sent her all the way to New York – teaching her only that leaving was the ultimate solution to any problem. So now, anytime something bad happened Mary would fly far away. The same could likely be used to explain Carlos and Mary's separation a year or so ago.
There was a light knock on the door, it cracked slightly open. A bushy brown haired woman popped her head in. "Hey there," Sarah whispered looking at Ruthie with kind eyes. She turned to Cecilia and Simon, "I managed to talk Dr. Cambridge into letting me come back too. He was really hesitant about it. He indicated that if he let three people in the room, then shortly after there would be four, then five, and so on…" She slowly came through the door, gently pushing it closed behind her. She joined Simon and Cecilia on the left side of the bedside. Staring down at Ruthie, Sarah's eyes turned sad. She sighed deeply, "Ruthie, I am so sorry."
"It's not your fault," Ruthie uttered.
"Oh, but it is," Sarah declared, "You wanted me to stop you…I saw it in your eyes before you and Mary left. I should have stopped you, but I didn't. Just think about it Ruthie…"
"Sarah, no," Ruthie whispered hoarsely, "I told Mary about the baby right before the accident. It's my fault. Plus, I wasn't wearing a seat belt."
Sarah's eyes widened. "I-I didn't know that. But, still, I'm partially responsible. You wouldn't have been in the car in the first place if it hadn't been for me."
"Actually," Cecilia whispered dimly, "It was me who suggested that Mary and Ruthie come out to the hospital. And I gave her our car keys. Doesn't that make me responsible?" Cecilia sulked, placing her right hand on her belly.
Simon and Sarah both gaped with wide eyes at Cecilia. "You didn't tell me that!" Simon cried. "Well, I knew about the car, obviously. But you suggested that Mary take Ruthie? Were you mad?" His eyes suddenly filled with fury, looking towards his wife and soon to be mother of his child.
Cecilia closed her eyes, a tear started to roll down her cheek, "I-I don't know what I was thinking…I-I was just trying to get Mary to leave the children behind. But God, Simon, just think—the little ones could have been in the car. The backseat was completely crushed…" Ruthie figured they must have been rear-ended. The force causing her to fly forward had been from behind. In reality, Cecilia had saved the lives of three little ones. Chills entered Ruthie's body at the thought of Charlie, Jenny, and Crissy being in that back seat.
"Guys," Ruthie hoarsely butted in, "It's. Nobody's. Fault. But. My. Own."
A light knock sounded from the door. Ruthie never understood why people felt the need to knock on hospital room doors. It wasn't like the immobile patient had any say in whether or not someone entered. The door flew open a few seconds later. Matt and Kevin were standing before her. "You don't mind if we join you all, do you?" Matt grinned.
"How did you manage to get back here?" Sarah laughed a little as she moved towards her husband to wrap her arms around him.
"Well, let's just say that your husband is the biggest mouse I've ever met," Kevin indicated. Ruthie knew quite well what he meant by that. Sarah released herself from Matt, and looked into his eyes suspiciously.
Matt flushed a little bit as he explained, "Well, you see, the receptionist received a phone call…and there was not anybody preventing us from coming back here…so I suggested that we take advantage of it...," he shrugged, "…I can't help that I know my way around hospitals. I have worked in them for nearly a decade now."
Ruthie found herself laughing, a real laugh. It was her first real laugh since she had woken up, "You better watch out, Matt," she told him – her voice was so hoarse, "that doctor might have your license removed."
Matt's grin stretched over his entire face. He walked over to Ruthie's bed-side and ruffled her hair a little, "If I were to lose my license over this, at least it was for a good cause; there's nothing better than seeing your baby sister who has been in a coma for a month wide awake." Ruthie felt her face flush pink a little, she was a little grateful that nobody else could see it do so. Having bandages cover your face can come in quite handy, Ruthie had come to the conclusion, still, I can't wait until they're off… Then again, she didn't know what was under the bandages. That thought alone scared her.
An awkward silence followed. Simon, Cecilia, Matt, Sarah, and Kevin all circled around Ruthie's bed. She had never felt so enclosed by her family. Kevin finally broke the silence. "Well," he stared into Ruthie's eyes, "I think I've called everyone to tell them you're awake; Meredith, Mac, Mrs. Bink, Sandy, Patty Mary and Robbie, who by the way are going to be catching the nearest flight; have I missed anyone?" Martin.
"Mary?" Cecilia questioned a little dryly.
"I called her," Matt replied bluntly. They could all infer that their conversation had not gone all too well. Mary was Mary, what did they expect?
"Martin," Ruthie spoke out quietly. Her voice seemed to be getting hoarser with each word she uttered. She longed for water. With all of the bodies in her room the oxygen supply and moisture in the air seemed to be minimizing. Each breath she took seemed to dry her throat further.
"Who?" Kevin asked, leaning closer to Ruthie.
"Martin," she put forth more effort to speak in order to amplify her voice. Her throat burned even more.
"Oh, Martin," Kevin repeated.
"That…" Simon started, but Cecilia elbowed him before he could finish his sentence.
"No, I didn't call him," Kevin told her, "He's been really busy so far this summer. He's playing on a baseball team that travels all over the state; so we've hardly seen him. I mean, I could call him, but I just figured…" Matt was gazing sternly at Kevin, giving him a warning look, "I'll call him. Definitely, in fact, right now." He pulled out his cell phone and called Martin. Everyone in the room waited patiently. "Hello, Martin?" Kevin spoke into his phone. "It's Kevin. How are you?" … "I see, that's good" … "Ah, I see" … "Yeah, we've hardly seen you" … "Uh-huh" … "Well, I was just calling you to tell you that Ruthie's awake." His face frowned a little, "Okay then" … "I'm sure Ruthie would love to see you" … "I'm not sure I follow." He covered his phone receiver and turned to the rest of them in the room. He whispered, "I will be right back, I have to step out." He vanished into the hospital hallway.
Ruthie's heart sunk. She didn't need to hear what Martin said to Kevin, she could tell Martin couldn't care less about her. Now, she figured, Kevin was going to chew him out. She admired Kevin for wanting to stand up for her, but she didn't want him fighting her battles for her. Ruthie figured she wouldn't be fighting any real battles for quite some time. She sulked as she thought of her current condition.
"Kevin said that Meredith, Peter, and Mac all said they would be coming by as soon as possible," Matt told them, he looked at his watch, "and it's now ten o'clock. Somebody should probably be out there when they get here, because frankly, if they get here and we're all back here…"
The door flew open. Doctor Cambridge stood tall and with his arms crossed. "Didn't I say two at a time?" he snarled a tad. "Everyone out!" he demanded. They all let out sighs as Simon, Cecilia, Matt, and Sarah began to file out of the room. "Everyone except you two," he grabbed Matt and Sarah's shoulders; both of their faces showed shock, what happened to conflict of interest? He told them, "I have her CAT Scan Results back."
After the others had disappeared, he turned to Ruthie, "I'm going to step out and talk with your brother and sister-in-law. We'll be right back." No! Ruthie's head screamed. She opened her mouth to scream, but her mouth was just too dry. For them to have to step out to talk about her, she knew it must be bad. Ruthie's heart started to race with nerves.
Those moments she lie there alone were possibly the most frightening moments she had ever endured. She realized this was the first time she had really been alone since she had woken up. Her eyes closed for a few moments; she rested them. Just as easily, she could have fallen asleep. She lie there coiled in blackness just thinking. Martin, her mind couldn't help but drift back to. Her hands traveled down his shoulders, the smell of his cologne lingered through her nose. His sweaty hair brushed against her skin. He touched her back, lowering his hands to her waist. Her memories reminisced and she longed to feel his touch again.
She flinched a little when the door shot open again. Dr. Cambridge re-entered, not followed by Matt and Sarah. Where did they go? Ruthie pondered. Here, Dr. Cambridge had told them to stay behind – now he had shipped them away? Ruthie sighed. "Well, Miss Camden, I've told your brother and sister-in-law to give you and me a little time to talk – I figure you will be more honest with me than if they were sitting here coaching you." Matt and Sarah wouldn't coach me! Ruthie fretted. She breathed deeply, waiting for Dr. Cambridge to get the point and tell her the bad news.
"Well, Ruthie," Dr. Cambridge, "I must say, you seem to be in better shape than your original prognosis, which is good, that day you came in I can tell you things did not look good, and look at you now – you're talking and breathing on your own. That all definitely looks good for you." He paused for a moment before continuing, "I do have some questions for you though, and I would appreciate if you were completely honest with me, remember, if you lie to me you only hurt yourself and put your own life in jeopardy. I know you want to get out of here on two feet as soon as possible, but we're thinking about your life in the long run, not tomorrow." He sounded so harsh. Ruthie badly wanted to cry for Matt. Conflict of Interest, she knew his holding of Matt and Sarah had been too good to be true.
"Fine," Ruthie murmured. She desired with a passion to be able to cross her arms once more.
"Please state your full name," he started with.
"…Is this a trick question?" she questioned carefully.
"No, it's just standard procedure we ask all patients after waking up from a coma," he responded rather rushed.
"My name is Ruthie Sofia Camden," she saw him writing on a clipboard looking a little uncertain. Quickly she added, "My name is Ruthie, not Ruth. My grandma is Ruth."
He nodded and continued with the questioning, "What were you doing before you woke up?"
She released a loud sigh. He knows all these answers. Can't he just get to the point? Reluctantly, she answered, "I was sitting in the passenger seat of my brother and sister-in-law's Jeep … my sister Mary and I were on our way to see my sister Lucy who was here in the hospital; she had just found out her baby boy had died."
He nodded, writing quickly, "Do you remember if you two were conversing? If so, what were you talking about?"
Ruthie squinted. Mary wouldn't want me to tell him. She shook her head. "No," she lied. "I don't remember. Mary stepped on the brakes…and I went flying…and my body burned…and then I woke up here."
"You're sure?" he inquired. "Are you sure you don't remember?" Is it that obvious that I'm lying? Ruthie wondered.
"I'm sure," Ruthie replied coldly.
"If you say so," Dr. Cambridge said uncertainly, still scribbling on the clipboard. "Now, tell me, when was the last time you were sexually active?" Talk about personal, Ruthie thought. Her eyes closed and she saw him. His hands were sweaty as they travel down her waste. She lied on her back, looking up into his gorgeous green eyes. She felt invincible.
"I-I don't remember," Ruthie replied, she felt a chill take over her body. Her nerves started to run wild.
"Ruthie, remember what I said about being honest?" Dr. Cambridge questioned, his eyes showed suspicion.
"And I am being honest. I don't remember. Okay?" she snapped.
"Ruthie, I can't help you if you aren't completely honest with me," Dr. Cambridge stated. I don't need help, Ruthie thought to herself harshly. "Anyway, providing you really don't remember, moving on…I'm going to ask you some questions about your perceptions now. What color is this paper?" He held out a bright red piece of construction paper.
"Red," Ruthie replied simply. "Like blood."
"How many fingers am I holding up?" He held out his hand for her to look at.
One, two…; his fingers seemed to blur together. Something wasn't adding up. "Two," she replied quickly, then she saw the other finger, "Three, I mean." He seemed a little hesitant as he wrote down quickly on his clipboard. What did I do wrong? Ruthie wondered.
"Alright," he said slowly, "there is one more thing I want to ask you Ruthie." Her eyebrows rose as she waited for him to ask; though she had a pretty good idea of what he was going to ask. "Ruthie, you're aware you were about five weeks pregnant – right?"
She tried to nod slowly. His eyes beat down on her, her heart leaped – even though she knew this was coming. Finally, she said, "Yes. I was." Her face sulked a little, "M-Matt told me about the b-blood a-and all…and K-Kevin told me that news brought Mom into a coma."
"I wouldn't say that's what put your mom into a coma," Dr. Cambridge responded, "she's been under a lot of other stress – it wasn't just that." She stared at him in shock, for a minute there it seemed as though he was trying to comfort her. "Anyway," he continued, "I need to ask you, who was the father? Your siblings say you never told them, though they have a pretty good idea."
Her eyes closed as painful memories flooded back to her. "The condom broke," the words echoed in her mind. Those were the words that had changed her life forever; baby or no baby. Everyone knew what she had done; whether she had a baby to show for or not didn't matter. Now everyone just thought she had killed her baby on purpose. "I-I don't know," Ruthie lied. She could bring herself to utter his name.
"Ruthie," he sternly looked into his eyes, "This is important. Was it Theodore?" Why was it so important? Ruthie couldn't help but wonder.
"Why?" Ruthie questioned suspiciously.
"Yes or no?" he demanded.
"Fine, yes, he was the father," she spat, "why does it matter?"
He let out a sigh, "Ruthie, after Theodore died his mother ordered an autopsy…the day you and Mary were brought in we received his autopsy report back. Ruthie, T-Bone was infected with HIV." What? Ruthie's head shouted. She knew that T-Bone had told originally that he had been with other women. Then, later, he had told her that he had lied; that he hadn't been with anyone else besides her. Was he cheating on me? Ruthie pondered; maybe he contracted it after we were together. The thought boiled in her blood. She became sick to her stomach, what if he had told me the truth the first time? What if the second time was a lie? Her stomach turned upside down as she became queasy, I could have HIV. All of sudden it felt like her life had turned completely upside down – if it wasn't already. Dr. Cambridge continued, "Since your mother is in a coma, and in order to take samples from a minor we need parental or legal guardian permission – and both of your mother and father's wills state that if anything should happen them where they cannot take care of you or your little brothers Matt is to become your legal guardian – Matt signed for us to test you; we sent your samples in about three weeks ago, even though we didn't know for sure if T-Bone was the father. Unfortunately, it can take up to three months to get those results back." Ruthie knew that quite well. She remembered the long wait Simon had had after his STD scare. Her stomach churned; I was supposed to be smarter than Simon.
A soft knock came from the door. Nurse Ellie popped her head in, "Some of Ruthie's friends are here, may I send them in?"
Dr. Cambridge shockingly replied, "Yes you may." He turned to Ruthie, "I think I'm done here, we'll be seeing more of each other, though, Ruthie. You should be here a good three to four weeks for observation and rehabilitation. I reckon your arms will be in cast for at least another six. Then of course you may need therapy to strengthen your arms." Three to four weeks? That took them to the middle of July. She was in one accident, and here her entire summer was shot. Then again, it was going to be shot anyway with me being pregnant, Ruthie realized. She wasn't sure which was worse: this or being pregnant. Her gut told her this. Simon and Cecilia would be flying to London in around twelve weeks. She could be too, if she chose to go along.
Dr. Cambridge left and Ruthie eagerly waited to see who had come to see her. She knew in her gut that it wasn't a certain someone; a name she tried not to think for the time being. Moments later the door swung open. Peter, Meredith, Mac, and Margaret barged in at once. Obviously, Dr. Cambridge had flexed on the "two at a time" rule. Peter and Meredith joined her on her left, and Mac and Margaret on her right. "Ruthie, you're alive!" Mac cried. Margaret nudged him a little.
"Of course she's alive!" Margaret exclaimed rather loudly. She turned to Ruthie, "We knew you would wake up, or at least I did – I don't know about everyone else." Ruthie stared at Margaret a little strangely. She had always found Margaret slightly annoying. According to everyone, before Ruthie had come home Margaret had been a bit of a mute. Ruthie found it hard to believe, the girl never shut up now. She no longer had Jane either, since she had fled off to God knows where.
"Ruthie, it's so nice to finally see you again," Peter smiled, "I hardly saw you at all on the day of your father's funeral…then this. I felt so horrible." My father's funeral, Ruthie remembered. It seemed like it was yesterday, yet it was an entire month ago. Adjusting to time loss was not something that could be done easily.
"I've missed you Ruthie," Meredith told her quietly, "I know we hadn't been that close since you came back from Scotland – I guess you can say part of that was my fault, but we really need to hang out when you get out of here. I'm sure you'll be out of here in no time!"
"He told me three to four weeks," Ruthie rolled her eyes a little, "I wish I could just walk out of here now."
"You didn't break your legs," Mac suggested, "Maybe you could…if we helped you."
"Are you mad?" Peter and Meredith both cried at the same time.
"Yeah, I don't think that's a good idea," Meredith stated.
"Ruthie needs to regain her strength, and if the doctor says she needs to stay here to do that, then she probably should," Peter told Mac as he stroked Ruthie's hair a little, "If you need anything, I'm here. I'll always be there for you, Honey." Her heart fluttered when Peter articulated the word honey. She suddenly remembered being thirteen again; her heart would pounce every time he called her honey.
"If I do marry, I hope it's to Peter Petrowski," she had told her mother on the day of Lucy's wedding. She looked up at Peter now; it had been more than four years. His hair was now dark opposed to the bleach blond it had once been. His pale blue eyes still twinkled as he stared down at her. He was taller, much taller. So many childhood memories flooded back to her – like the time Ben, Peter, and she had taken Ben's dog that he was training to be a fire dog to the promenade. She remembered losing the dog and going to the pound to get another dog. Then of course the chief showed up at their house with the real fire dog; and Peter got a new pet. He still had that dog. Ben's gone now, Ruthie suddenly remembered. Her heart sulked; it seemed as though everyone she had ever loved was gone. Peter's still here and I loved him, Ruthie realized. Could I ever love him again? She didn't know the answer to that question. So much had changed in the last five years; she wasn't the same Ruthie – and surely he wasn't the same Peter. Their preteen years were no more. It was scary to think that their teen years would soon come to an end.
His eyes continued to beat into hers. Meredith, Mac, and Margaret all looked at each other. "Maybe we should leave them alone," Margaret suggested. Mac stared at his girlfriend in disgust. "Hey, I just thought they wanted a little privacy."
"Margaret's right, let's leave them alone," Meredith agreed, she turned to Ruthie, "It was great seeing you again, Ruthie. We'll catch up soon, okay?" Ruthie tried to smile a little and nod as Meredith, Margaret, and Mac left the room.
"So," Peter said after the other three had left, "How are you feeling?"
"Honestly?" she asked. "Like shit."
"I would be too," Peter agreed, "Just so you know…I don't believe any of the conspiracy rumors I've heard around town. I know you wouldn't do that. I've tried telling people that, but well, you know people in this town."
"Yeah," Ruthie murmured hastily.
"Meredith doesn't believe them either," Peter added.
"Are you and Meredith…?" Ruthie started. She couldn't help but ask, she did notice how they seemed a little clingy.
"Oh no, absolutely not!" Peter seemed shocked. "We are just friends, after the accident Meredith and I both brought flowers around the same time – we ran into each other and we've been talking a little. Just as friends though."
Ruthie sighed, "I am surprised you're still talking to me…I've been such a terrible person. Look at me Peter, just look at me. You…"
"…You're beautiful Ruthie, no matter how many bandages you have on your face," Peter cut in. "Ruthie, I don't care about what you've done. I know you, Ruthie. We were together everyday for almost two years. Deep down, I know you're still the same Ruthie Camden I fell in love with when I was twelve."
"What if I'm not?" Ruthie insisted. "What if I'm a dirty slut with HIV who conspired with her sister to kill her own child?"
"Ruthie, HIV isn't something to joke about," Peter's mouth dropped. "And I know you didn't conspire with Mary to kill your baby. And you're not a slut, don't say that." Tears started to roll down her eyes. Peter wrapped his arm around neck trying to comfort her.
She looked down at her chest, trying to look away. "Peter," she whispered, "T-Bone had HIV. Dr. Cambridge just told me. They tested me while I still in a coma. Peter, T-Bone was the father."
Peter's sincere blue eyes gaped into hers. His eyes became bloodshot as they watered up. "Wow, Ruthie, I-I didn't know. God Ruthie, I'm so sorry," he whispered, "Ruthie, what I said still stands – I'm here for you. No matter what." Tears started to stream out of her eyes again. Her bandages had just begun to dry, but here they were getting soaked up again. He wrapped his arms around her gently. His arms made her feel so warm and loved inside. He said he'll be here for me no matter what – unlike someone else I know…
OooO
A week and a half passed. Ruthie had barely slept over the course of that week and a half. After sleeping for an entire month, who could possibly expect her to want to sleep? Ruthie didn't want to miss another moment with her family and friends. She felt as though she had missed too much. With the doctors still uneasy about her leaving her bed, she spent most of the time lying upright in bed. When she was alone she would watch Oprah on the little television they had placed in the corner of the room. Since her arms were still in casts, the channel could only change when someone came to check up on her.
Lucky for Ruthie, she didn't spend that much time alone. She hardly went longer than a half hour without a visitor. The day after she woke up Robbie and Patty Mary had flown in with baby Camden. Since children under the age of twelve weren't allowed to come back and visit her, she hadn't been able to seen him. Robbie had brought in his one month old professional picture. He had grown so much and was looking more and more like his daddy each day. Ruthie foresaw a miniature Robbie. If he grew up to be as kind and generous as his father he would be lucky.
Peter came to visit her everyday. He always managed to bring a smile to Ruthie's face in one shape or another. They would spend hours talking about when they were in middle school. Ruthie felt warm inside to reminisce to a time in her life where she was still innocent. While they may of gotten into quite some mischief, it was all so harmless compared to what she had gotten herself into now.
There were only two unaccountable people. Even the Colonel, Grandma Ruth, and George had flown out to visit her a couple days after she had woken up. George was on temporary leave from the military. Ruthie had never been that fond of George, but she had to admit he had grown up quite a bit since she last saw him. He had grown up to be a handsome young man. His sense of humor was very much like that of the Colonel's, however.
Mary and Martin – the two unaccountable people. She hadn't heard a word from her eldest sister. Nobody would dare to mouth her name without bringing in a mix of emotions. Ruthie had not brought up Martin since Kevin had called him. She didn't know what had come out of their conversation. What she did know was, Martin wasn't there with her. She tried to let it pass – being with Peter seemed to help her forget him.
That Wednesday, Ruthie's heart jumped when Matt entered the room with a wheel chair. "Guess what, Ruthie?" he asked her. He was wearing scrubs and a white coat now. He and Sarah had both started their internships at the hospital now. They had wanted to work with a smaller practice, but none of the local practices had any openings. Uncle Hank had returned to delivering babies at the hospital a couple years ago, so Matt was working side by side with him. Sarah was working with in the pediatric's wing of the hospital. Both of them would drop by and see Ruthie with any opening they had.
"What?" she asked excitedly like a little girl who was waiting for her Christmas presents on Christmas Eve. Her heart leaped a mile looking at the wheel chair. As much as she would rather walk, having wheels seemed to be much more pleasurable than lying there staring at the television. She had yet for someone to explain her CAT Scan Results to her. Dr. Cambridge had said that she looked better than her original prognosis, and that was all. She knew in her heart something else had to be wrong, otherwise he wouldn't have been so hesitant with her being mobilized. She longed to stretch her legs on the floor.
"Well, guess who gets to go on a little ride?" he smiled. Her eyes widened with excitement. He pulled her blanket off of her and gently helped her off of the bed. He removed the piece that was monitoring her heart. She hadn't had a spasm since that last day. It was only there just in case, as Matt had explained to her when she had questioned why they just couldn't remove it. Her IV had been removed now that she was eating hospital garbage and drinking plenty of water. She had been very grateful the day those needles had been removed. Now, she just longed for the day she could quit being fed like a baby. She couldn't remember the last time she had been spoon fed.
Her legs were still covered with bandages, and she had yet to see under them. The doctors had changed the bandages on her face and legs last week some time. They had placed a cover over so she couldn't see her legs. She figured they must be pretty scarred up for them not to want her to see them. The bandages on her face had been so deteriorated from her tears they had had no choice but to change them.
She positioned comfortably in the wheel chair, her arms rested motionless on the arms of the wheel chair. "So, where do you want to go?" Matt asked.
"Mom," was Ruthie's first whisper. She could have easily responded outside. The outdoors was still her second choice. She longed to feel the warm summer sun beat against her skin – the little skin that she had showing. Still, she longed to see her mother – whether she could speak back or not. A girl needed her mother; Ruthie couldn't imagine her life without the woman who had brought her into this world.
Matt's mouth dropped, "I should have known. Well, I'm going to have to clear that with another doctor. Uh, I'll be right back." He ran out of the room, leaving her alone sitting in the wheel chair. She looked back at her unmade bed. Ruthie sighed; she completely understood how Lucy had felt while on bed rest now. At least Lucy had not had two broken arms to go along with her. Ruthie shuttered as she imagined Lucy with two broken arms.
Matt returned a few moments later. He was huffing as though he had been running. "Looks like you're in luck, Ruthie. Dr. Cambridge says you can see Mom." He placed his hands on the handles of the wheel chair and began pushing her. Ruthie felt as though she was gliding through the air as her oldest brother pushed her through the hallway of the hospital. It turned out that their mother was only a couple doors down from Ruthie's hospital room. Slowly, Matt pushed her through the door.
Her mother's room was very much laid out similar to hers. A small couch sat in the corner of the room. Sarah was sitting on the couch reading a Home Improvement magazine. "Ruthie!" Sarah exclaimed in a whisper as she set her magazine down. Ruthie didn't quite understand why she was whispering. After all, she had thought they wanted to wake Annie up. Ruthie remembered Saturday mornings when Mom and Dad used to sleep in. Matt had always insisted they all be quiet telling them to speak in whispers. Nonetheless, Ruthie still felt the need to barge in on her parents and wake them up.
Ruthie slowly glanced over at her mother. She heard her heart monitor beeping steadily. An oxygen tank hooked up to her, very much like Ruthie's had. This is what I looked like a week and a half ago, Ruthie realized. Her stomach churned to see her mother in such a condition. Matt wheeled her over to her mother's bed-side. Tears started to roll uncontrollably down her face again. She had thought she could handle it, but she was wrong. Pain lingered in her heart; she couldn't bear to see her mother in such a state.
Matt and Sarah noticed Ruthie's tears. "Maybe you should take her back to her room," Sarah whispered.
"No!" Ruthie cried. "I-I need to talk to Mom…alone."
Matt and Sarah made eye contact. "Is that a good idea?" Sarah asked her husband.
"I don't see what it could hurt," Matt responded. He turned to Ruthie, "Sarah and I will stand outside for a few minutes, if you need us … just holler." Ruthie nodded graciously. Her voice still was not at full power; hollering seemed unlikely for her. Her throat ached – the doctors told her that her sinuses were draining. Now that her IV had been removed and she wasn't receiving those added fluids her throat should get better, or so they said.
After Matt and Sarah had vanished, Ruthie spent the following moments staring at her motionless mother sobbing. Her eyes remained closed and her arms remained motionless resting across her stomach. She looked so pale, like her father had that last year of his life – and before he had his heart attack. Ruthie stared in disbelief; she couldn't believe this was her mother now. It was unbelievable that her mother's life was at a halt.
"Mom," Ruthie finally uttered, "I'm so sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am. I should have stuck with my instincts. I should have waited, like everyone told me to. I should have learned from Simon's experiences." She paused, and glanced at her arms, "I deserved this. In fact, I deserved so much more. God held mercy on me, I should be thankful to be alive – but I feel so guilty…Mom, I'm so sorry I let you down. I'm so sorry I let this whole family down." Ruthie's tears rolled faster and faster. She felt the bandages begin to peel off.
Something was different about her mother's room compared to hers. A mirror hung directly across from where she was sitting. Did they remove mine so I wouldn't see myself? Ruthie wondered. Her eyes gawked into the mirror to see her scars become revealed as her bandages peeled off. Dark red spots became visible on her face. Oh God, Ruthie thought, I'm hideous. Hertears streamed faster, and more of her bandages started to peel off of her face. Her entire face was covered with deep red bloodsucking scars. Her face tingled and burned with the salty tears streaming down it.
Her eyes jerked off of the mirror, she couldn't look at herself anymore. She focused back on her mother. Her heart jolted as she thought she saw her mother move. Soon she realized it was only a brisk wind coming from the open window. Her bangs blew up and down in repetition.
Author's Note: Love it? Hate it? Too depressing? Let me know in review. (=
Things to ponder… Does Ruthie have HIV? Will Ruthie go to London with Simon and Cecilia? What will become of her relationship with Peter? Will Martin ever get the guts to come up and see Ruthie? What's up with Mary; what is she hiding now?