Not a word was spoke between us, there was little risk involved
Everything up to that point had been left unresolved
Try imagining a place where it's always safe and warm
Come in, she said
I'll give ya shelter from the storm
-Shelter from the Storm, Bob Dylan

Castle woke slowly, with the dullest of headaches, yet warm and rested. He felt like he'd slept the sleep of the dead, though small afterimages, half-way between dreams and memories, played at the edges of his brain.

He looked down to find Kate half-sprawled over him, her head lying across his chest with her arm and leg wrapped possessively around him. Normally this would be a moment that started or ended hundreds of his fantasies over the years, but now it just hurt. Fantasies had stopped being a harmless indulgence around the time he'd realized he was in love with her, and thinking about them at all had become too much like self-flaggellation around the time he'd realized she would never reciprocate his feelings.

And yet he lingered, breathing in the scent of her.

After taking a minute to let his masochistic tendencies play out, he hugged her close, and then rolled her gently onto her back, so that he could slide out of the bed without waking her. Once off of him, he took a moment to look at her. She was peaceful, breathing deeply and slowly, her eyelids fluttering as she played out some dream. He noticed then that her eyes were red and puffy from crying. She had wept in her sleep. Was that something she did regularly?

He wanted to brush his fingers through her hair, a calming gesture he'd used with Alexis many times. Kate, as elegant and composed as she was, was not a graceful crier. She looked puffy and blotchy and more human than Castle had seen her in awhile. He wanted to hold her and make her better. He got out of bed instead.

Or tried to. Propped on one arm, ready to push himself up, she'd reached out, grabbed the front of his t-shirt in her strong grip.

"Stay."

She'd said it quietly, a half-command and half-plea, and he'd thought at first that she was still dreaming, but he looked at her and she was looking at him with clear and alert eyes. Whatever had caused her to cry in her sleep was gone.

His voice caught.

"How'r you feeling?" she asked, sliding up into a seated position, loosening her grip on his shirt, but not letting go completely. He was angled over her, and if he just let her pull him forward slightly, he could dip forward and kiss her good morning. Or he could fall forward entirely and take her in his arms, crushed underneath him. But he stood there, frozen, his arm starting to stiffen under his weight.

"A headache, nothing bad. Did you wake me?"

"Every two hours. You don't remember?"

He shook his head. "I don't, a lot of the time. Alexis would take advantage, when she was young. Try to ask me for a puppy or somesuch..."

She looked up at him, a delicate smile on her face, and it was so open and beatific and filled with something that looked like longing that he had to pull away or be lost forever.

"I need to use the bathroom."

She let him go, her hand dropping slowly to her side, but her eyes never leaving his. He stood up and retreated quickly to the en suite bathroom. There he peed and brushed and splashed water on his face, stalling more than anything. He stared at the door back to the bedroom, as well as the door out to the porch and the swimming pool. He could go outside, but then what? The rest of the house was locked, and his keys were in his jeans in the bedroom. Go run down the beach, hop a fishing trawler, start a new life? All to avoid an awkward conversation with Beckett? Why? He had two of those a day, lately.

He heard a soft knock at the door, and when he didn't answer, Kate ducked her head inside.

"Can I come in? I wanted to brush my teeth. Do you have..."

He jumped at the chance to have something to do, and grabbed a half-open plastic package from under the sink that held half a dozen new brushes. He held it out to her sheepishly, like a shield, and without taking it from him, she delicately extracted one from the container and walked over to the sink, again giving him a shy but angelic smile.

He watched her brush for a moment, and then turned to leave, but once again she reached out and grabbed him, freezing him in place.

"Don't go," she said, "please? We have a lot to talk about."

"Like?" he asked, angrier than he intended.

She let him go, and looked down at the sink, her brushing turning absent and distracted. He waited for several seconds, but when no answer came, he turned back towards the bedroom door.

She spit hastily and pinned him in place with a look in the mirror.

"Castle," she said, and something in her voice made him pause as she turned to face him. She put down the toothbrush, and faced him too.

"I love you," she said, simply, quietly. "I'm in love with you.'

It was another fantasy he'd had, but the details were wrong. A lazy morning in the Hamptons, a declaration of love. But there was too much gravity in the moment, too much ache. It should have been joyful. Instead it felt desperate.

"We have a lot to talk about, and we're not ... I'M not good at talking ... so I figured I should get the important part out first," she said, her face taking on an affected lop-sided grin.

"Then why did you lie?" he asked, before he was aware of what he wanted to say.

She walked past him, and he thought for a second that she was retreating, once again, but she grabbed his hand as she passed, and she tugged him along as she left the bathroom. He let her lead him back to the bed. She tried to crawl in beside him, but he angled her around so that she was facing him. She nodded and sat cross-legged at the foot of the bed, so that they could look each other in the eye.

"I was afraid," she said, once they were sitting.

"Not good enough, Kate."

She took a deep breath and nodded. "You know, I wanted you to say it before."

He tilted his head, confused by what she meant.

"The first time you invited me up here... I had daydreams of you and me, I don't know, walking along the beach and telling me. Or when you came back, maybe finally... but you were still with Gina and I'd started dating Josh, but I thought..."

She seemed to realize she was rambling, so she stopped, her hand waving away whatever thought she was having.

"I've wanted us to be something more for a long time, Rick. Maybe longer than I want to admit because it means I'm a coward or something... but then I'm dying and you tell me you love me and it was too much. It was way too much..."

"I didn't say it to burden you, Kate," he said quickly, anger rising in him, but she grabbed his hand and squeezed it quickly.

"I know. That's not what I meant. I know what I'm like. All I want to do when I'm hurt is crawl in a hole and be alone. Even if I had it all to do over again, I'm pretty sure I would still run away for weeks and hide. But maybe I would've been smart enough to tell you I love you too, to do a better job of asking you to wait."

He was angry, but he took several deep breaths, calming himself down. She watched him, giving him a moment.

"I get that, Kate. I really do... but that was nine months ago. I have trouble believing you really feel the way you say you do if you can sit on it for nine months..."

"I know. I probably should've told you on the swings that first time I saw you. I wanted to, I just ... couldn't. Or maybe after the bank..."

"Or the river... please, Kate. I need to know why."

"I think ... I think it's because you became my reward."

"I don't know what that means."

Kate looked down, playing with some invisible lint on the comforter. "I would make little deals with myself, up there in Dad's cabin. If I do this, then I can have that. If I can walk all the way to the lake, I'll call Castle. And then I'd get there and make another deal with myself. If I can walk to the lake for five straight days..."

She got up off the bed, started pacing. "When I got back, I kept doing it. You were a carrot and a stick all in one. If I worked through things with my therapist..."

"Your therapist?" he interrupted.

She nodded. "I've been seeing someone. Dr. Burke. Trying to get better. If I worked through an issue, I'd let myself start something with you. But starting something also meant admitting to this lie that kept getting bigger and bigger the longer I left it out there..."

Her phone rang. Both of them stopped to stare as it vibrated its way across the nightstand. She didn't move, and so he reached over and grabbed it.

"It's Gates," he said, handing her the phone. She took it, and with one short nod, she answered.

He watched her as she paced around, giving her boss a series of one and two word responses. Her body language was tense, and Castle realized for the first time that, despite the difficult conversation, she hadn't been the least bit tense or standoffish with him. It felt odd, after so many years of having to hunt and fight for the tiniest bits of information from her.

He wanted to believe her. More importantly, he did believe her, at least with his head, if not his heart. He knew she was telling the truth. He just wondered if it would change anything.

For the first time, he had to recognize that merely loving each other may not be enough. He had two failed marriages to attest to that.

She hung up, and threw the phone half-heartedly onto the bed.

"What did Gates have to say?"

"What?" she asked, then shook her head. "Oh. It doesn't matter."

"Kate..."

She shrugged. "We've been suspended. Anyway, I'd meet with Dr. Burke..."

"Suspended?" he asked, interrupting.

She sat down next to him. "Irene Moriety filed a wrongful death suit in Manhattan Superior Court this morning. Claims that our rushing in on the scene caused Clint's death. Standard procedure is to suspend the lead detective with pay pending a hearing."

"And you're okay with that?"

"No, but I understand. She's lashing out. And while I don't think we did anything wrong, Clint Moriety is dead."

They sat, side by side, both lost in their own thoughts.

"Do I still have a chance?"

He looked over at her. "Of course, Kate. They'll see you did everything by the book..."

"I meant with you," she said. "I'm not really worried about the case right now."

She leaned her head against his shoulder, and despite himself, he rested his head on hers. He couldn't say yes, not yet. But he refused to say no.

"Come on," he said instead. "Let me make you some breakfast."

He took her hand and pulled her to her feet.

"Whatever you decide, Castle, I want you to know - I love you. I have for awhile. And I can't do this without you. I don't want to. So even if you decide we can't be more than we are, we'll always be partners, okay?"

He nodded.

"And I'm sorry I hurt you. I didn't want to, but I was selfish and I did, and I'm sorry."

And with that, he knew, eventually, he'd say yes.

A/N: Still a ways to go. I'm no longer entirely sure it will end how I planned. They've zigged a little.