Disclaimer in Chapter One - Time to Suit Up!

Author's Note: ^Hello^ = Foreign/Alien Language.

The world wouldn't keep still. It kept twirling and swirling and moving about in a very evil like way. They were all sprawled out on the ground, the portal having spewed them out with force. Mia lay on top of Hailey, Buffy had managed to land on her back, Xander on his stomach next to her. Momma was on her back kicking her legs frantically as she tried to roll onto her side next to John, the man on his hands an knees, groaning as his lungs re-inflated after having the wind knocked out of him.

^Excuse me, Gentlemen, Ladies?^ A posh accent asked from somewhere.

Xander lifted his face out of the plush carpet below him and blinked a few times, Buffy's hair coming into view as his vision began to clear. His hands played with the plush carpet below his body as he realised Buffy was sprawled on her back before him and was staring up at the ceiling. He twisted his head to see what she was staring at and his eyes bulged. Hang high above them was a large ornate chandelier, lit up by various globes of light that seemed to dance around it in an orbital pattern.

"Stop the ceiling, I wanna get off..." Mia groaned from his side.

"Don't think the ceiling is the one moving girl," John groaned himself, turning to look at her. The world gave a huge lurch and he instantly closed his eyes at the onslaught of movement.

^Excuse me, but do you have a reservation?^ The voice spoke up again.

"Please tell me Willow redecorated the gym," Buffy stared at the chandelier. "And added that hovering, glowing monstrosity just to mess with people's expectations of Wicca/Earth Goddess Chic couture."

"Ask her yourself, but if she's had a non-Xander approved contractor in doing shoddy work..." Xander grunted, pushing himself up to his knees. He turned to the person standing next to him and proceeded to blink several times at the being. "Seriously Will, if I find out you hired Concord Construction to install that monstrosity-" he pointed up at the ceiling behind him before stopping abruptly. "-You're not Willow..."

^I'm afraid not Sir,^ the being squeaked at him.

"What the hell is that?" Hailey yelled suddenly noticing the being standing next to them. She tried to throw Mia off of her and pull a weapon from her bag of holding but only managed to tangle herself up even more with the younger slayer.

The being, for he wasn't a man, stood straight at four feet, it was purple skinned and wrinkled, a large white moustache took up half its face, the other half was filled with two sets of eyes and no hair. It bowed slightly, it's left arm bent in front of itself, a napkin draped over its forearm, it's right arm held a small tablet-like device as two small tyrannosaurus-like arms protruded from its chest, each poised to begin tapping the smooth surface. Xander blinked a few more times as he realised it was dressed in a fine black tuxedo with two bow ties, one around its shirt collared neck and another between its two small extra arms.

^Do... You... Have a... Reservation?^ it squeaked out more slowly.

"Huh?" Xander shook his head at the being, one set of its eyes watching Xander, the other not moving from Hailey as she managed to produce a small dagger.

"Where are we?" John growled, finally getting to his feet. Momma managed to stand too and moved closer to John, increasing her size so she was almost eye level with the man as his hand moved to his holster and his S.H.I.E.L.D. particle weapon.

"Don't," she nudged his hand away from the weapon before turning to Hailey. "Put it away."

^Do... You-Oh…^ the purple being suddenly rolled all four of its eyes and huffed. ^Honestly, dealing with un-evolved life forms has got to be the worst part of this job...^

"Why is it squeaking at us Xander," Hailey ignored Momma's order and took a defensive stance, Buffy and John quickly following despite Momma moving casually closer to the being. Buffy grabbed the dagger from Hailey and palmed it into her jacket pocket, now noticing the room at large, her Slayer instincts flaring at all the eyes currently on their group.

"Don't know... But I don't think this is the Coven's Workshop." Xander shook his head. "We, don't, understand..." He gestured about wildly as if he could make up for his lack of language skills with hand movements.

^Of course you don't,^ the being squeaked with a sigh. Rolling his eyes again he turned on his heel and moved to a small podium. Putting the tablet and the napkin down he reached underneath with his two small arms and returned with a tray with several vials on it. ^Here, stick theses...^

But he didn't get a chance to finish before Xander had stood fully and snatched one of the vials from the tray.

"Holy Crap!" He exclaimed, turning the vial over in his hand, careful not to shake its contents. "No way..." He looked down at the being. "No... Way!" He said, a large grin on his face.

"Xander?" Buffy asked, the being trying to offer a vial to her. She stared at the vials before gingerly taking one and the being moved to the others.

Xander looked around the large foyer, finally noticing all the people and beings around them now. There were beings with two heads, five heads, no heads, others with one eye, six eyes, scales, fifteen legs or one leg, giant man like birds and spider beings, cheetah men with dolled up lady lions hanging on their arms, and even, Xander had to smile as there was no other way to describe them, hyper-intelligent shades of the colour blue.

"Xander, why am I holding a vial with a small yellow fish in it?" John asked staring at the two vials the being had insisted he take.

The small being moved in front of Xander and squeaked again having put away the now empty tray and it produced a gold fob watch from its waistcoat, then looked behind Xander and the line of beings waiting to be seated.

"Oh, right!" Xander almost jumped as he began to open the vial. "Ah, reservation, right?" He asked, tipping the vial's contents into his hand, not caring about the water he dripped on the ground. The being nodded as Xander looked at the small yellow fish in his hand, about the size of a piece of whitebait. He studied the impossible creature, noting the way it's yellow scales almost seemed to be painted on, making it look like a caricature or artists rendering of what a fish would look like. Mentally shrugging he nodded to the being. "Try Xander Harris or Buffy Summers,party of six," he hurriedly said, putting the fish in his ear. "Oh, if you've got Zaphod Beeblebrox down there I'm sure he won't mind if we crash his table!" He looked about excitedly.

Author's Note: To be continued in Xander Harris & the Guide.

Coming soon around Dinner time, just in time for the 2nd show of the End of the Universe.

DON'T PANIC!