Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Fruits Basket. Natsuki Takaya does. The character Mikage Tamae is my own, although in hindsight I would have given her a different family name.

Chapter 20

She started, and stared, and after several long minutes, began to laugh. It wasn't funny--far from it. But she was so relieved that he'd trust her with this, so happy that he hadn't rejected her, that she couldn't help laughing. She laughed so hard she had to sit down, Tohru at her side glancing worriedly between the two of them.

"I don't see that it's so funny." Shigure groused in his dog form, and she started and stared once more to hear a human voice making human words out of a dog. And she kept laughing at the sheer absurdity of it.

"Oh, it's not, it's not, but it is!" she was gasped, once again dashing tears from her eyes. "I didn't (gasp) expect you to (gasp) be a dog! Well, this certainly (gasp) explains Isuzu- (gasp) chan's insults, doesn't (gasp) it?" Laughter pealed out again. "Oh! I (gasp) can't (gasp) stop (gasp) laughing!"

"It's really not appropriate." Shigure tried for stern, but failed. He, too, was relieved. Tamae's laughter was infinitely more appealing than Tohru's hysteria.

"Um…Ano…" Tohru was trying to get Tamae to sip some tea in an effort to quiet her. "Shigure-san…she really can't stop…"

" (gasp) I will, (gasp) I'm trying!" Tamae gripped the cup with both hands and sipped as best she could. Finally, the spasms began to slow. She took several long, slow breaths, not daring to look at Shigure lest she once again fall into laughter.

"Mikage-san? Are you all right now?" Tohru asked worriedly, glancing at Shigure, who was still standing on top of his clothes.

"Ah…hai, hai. I'm sorry for alarming both of you. I guess that was unexpected, wasn't it?"

"You could say that." Shigure pouted. "It's not exactly a funny thing for those of us living it." Tohru looked away at his words, and Tamae turned at stared at him, sternly damping down the urge to giggle.

"Well, I must say, I didn't expect you to be so…well, cuddly."

"Cuddly!" Even in his dog form, Shigure looked so affronted that she couldn't help it; she began giggling. Tohru joined her.

"Hai, hai, that's exactly what he is! Cuddly!" she chimed in. "Do you remember, Shigure-san? When Uo-chan and Hana-chan came over and you were all trying so hard not to change that you all changed and I had to call you Spot?"

"You didn't!" Tamae began laughing again. "Spot?" She looked over at Shigure, who seemed to be even more uncomfortable. "I would've gone with Blackie!" The two girls' laughter rang out.

"What were you expecting?"

"Well, Ayame-san is the snake, isn't he? And Isuzu-chan is the horse. I think I expected you to be the rooster, or maybe the dragon." But not the dog. I think I could live with you being possessed by the spirit of the dog.

"So sorry to disappoint." Shigure muttered. She turned and patted him lightly on the head.

"I didn't say I was disappointed. I mean, it'll take some getting used to, but it's not like you hugged me before now, is it? You were very careful about making sure I didn't turn you in my ignorance. Oh…" She remembered his sudden backing away when they had kissed—the act that had birthed her suspicions, and sent her down the path she'd been on. She looked at him with new eyes. "I'm very sorry. I've treated you horribly since then, and you were only trying to protect me from something I wasn't prepared to accept. I'm so sorry!"

Tohru stared at Tamae and then Shigure with curious eyes. If she didn't know better, she would have thought Shigure was rather shame-faced at Tamae's earnest apology. But the Shigure-san she knew had never been ashamed of anything he'd done. She must be mistaken.

"It's…all right, Tamae-chan. I—" there was another cloud of smoke, and Tohru 'eeped' and leaped across the table to cover Tamae's eyes. "—thank you, Tohru-kun. As I was saying, neither of us were really in a position to…explain ourselves, were we?" He hastily pulled on his discarded clothing and sat at the table. "You can uncover her eyes now, Tohru-kun."

"Hai!" She pulled her hand from Tamae's eyes. Tamae looked curiously at her.

"When we resume our human form, we're naked," Shigure explained. "Tohru-kun was preserving your…innocence, as it were."

"Ah…"

"I know that you understand what this means, Tamae. Those of us cursed with the spirits of the zodiac can never hold the person we love, unless that person is of the same gender. That's such a simple thing, but it holds monumental value to most people. Imagine being a mother, and never being able to hold your son. Imagine never being able to receive something as simple as a hug from the person you love, when you have no problem being as close as you want to anyone else. You can see why we try to protect ourselves as much as we can. It's a simple, but a very necessary, thing."

That sobered Tamae. She thought about it, realizing that she couldn't even provide Shigure with the comfort she had given Isuzu-chan. And she understood what Shigure wasn't telling her: he couldn't offer her the comfort she had received all her life from her family and friends without changing.

She knew Shigure was waiting for her to say something, but she couldn't think of anything to say. She stared at him, mute. Finally, Tohru stood up.

"Shigure-san, I have to go grocery shopping. I'll be back in an hour or so." She bowed to Tamae and left. Shigure waved goodbye, then turned back to her.

"I don't know what to say." Tamae said quietly. "You were right. It's far different being the friend of a Sohma than being…"

"In a relationship with a Sohma?"

"Hai."

"In my lifetime, there have only been two people who have been able to live with the reality of it. Tohru is one of them."

"And the other?"

"That is not my story to tell. Neither is Tohru's." Shigure replied. He was still watching her carefully. "Why did you laugh?"

"I don't know. I was so relieved, I guess. I wasn't thinking, 'is this it?'. I was more…relieved that this tension was over, that you were trusting me with this. I didn't really care what spirit you were cursed by, I mean, I already knew you were cursed, didn't I? You told me before."

"Did I?"

"You know you did. When you confronted me about Isuzu-chan, you told me. 'Do you want to know which spirit I am cursed by?' you asked me. I was so afraid of you then. You were…very intimidating."

"I was, wasn't I?" he sounded proud of it.

"Hai. Even now, you are. I can see why you kept pushing me away, though."

"Can you." It was a statement, not a question.

"You didn't want me getting too close. If I got close, I would ask questions you couldn't answer, especially when I couldn't remember. The past would only have repeated itself."

"Are you so sure of that?"

She shrugged. "I don't know."

"And now?"

"What do you mean?"

"What do you think now? Knowing what you do, do you want to continue this?"

She considered him for a long time; he returned her gaze, not even fidgeting. "I don't know. I understand why Isuzu-chan was so afraid; I understand why those of you who are cursed would give up on the idea of any kind of relationship outside of the family."

"I…see." Shigure said, actually disappointed. He looked away from her. Impulsively, she reached over and took his hand.

"Please understand, Shigure-san. I really don't know what I'm thinking. I know I love you, and I know that whatever this is between us something I want to pursue. I just haven't sorted everything out yet. You haven't really offered me anything; you've given me an out that I can take with no regrets, and I appreciate it. But I don't want to take it. And at the same time, if I don't take it I might just be opening myself, and maybe you, to more pain." She took a deep breath. "I don't know how you feel about me. I know if I'm an itch you have to scratch or –"

"I don't have itches any more. Too old." He was staring at her. "You came here to tell me that?"

"Huh?"

"That you love me."

"Ah…" she blushed bright red. "Well, no, but I do, so I guess…"

"You told Tohru-kun, but you weren't going to tell me?" he teased. If it was possible, she blushed even more.

"I…" She stuttered into silence, looking at her hands wrapped around one of his. He could see the confusion and the indecision in her expression, and warmth flowed from his chest. She looked so cute, sitting there blushing and stammering, that he found himself leaning forward and kissing her. Just like that. And she responded exactly as she had before—shyly, then with a passion that surprised him. She didn't lean in (she really couldn't, with the corner of the table between them), but her hands tightened around his as the kiss continued. When they finally separated, Shigure realized he hadn't really wanted to stop. And that both surprised him and terrified him.

"Does that answer your question?" He asked her, watching her blink dazedly.

"What question?"

"Tamae, I've done things for you that I've never done for anyone else; believe me, I've had tons of requests from fans wanting an in into the literary world. I've practically stalked you because I couldn't leave you alone." Well, that was at least partially true. "If you had been just an itch, I would have pursued avenues far beyond kissing long before now. And I certainly wouldn't have taken all the abuse that I have—deservedly—in the last few months." She made as though to protest, and he placed a finger over her lips.

"Let me finish. You have every reason to suspect me. I am older, wiser—" She snorted. "Well, I am. I've seen what this curse can do to people who love us. I've been there to help mop up the mess afterwards. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, let alone on someone I love. So you must understand that as new as this is to you, it's also new to me. I don't know how I feel about you. I can't leave you alone, but a the same time I want to push you away." She stared at him mulishly and he removed his finger from her lips. "I do like you. I care about you. I don't want to see you hurt, and that surprises me more than anything. So if I have to keep you away from me to keep you safe and unhurt, I will."

"Shigure," she said bluntly. "You're being uncharacteristically honest."

"I know. Don't expect it again. I'm telling you what to expect from me. There's more about the curse you have to know. It concerns Akito."

"God."

"Yes. We are all bound to him. You must understand, it's not something we can deny. Not even Kyo, who has every reason to deny it. If he orders, we must obey. His punishments are… perverse, and terrible."

"I know that."

"Yes, you do. I'm telling you what to expect. He is incredibly jealous. If he discovers this relationship, he will punish me for it; he might even use you to do it. His dream is to have all the cursed Sohmas in the Inner House—trapped there, so we can't leave him. Any outside influences are a threat to this dream. You were a threat to his possession of Rin; now you could be a threat to his possession of me. That is a very bad position for both of us to be in." She made to protest, and he once again silenced her.

"Do you understand? I don't want to see you hurt. I know that when Akito was punishing you, you were hurting more for Rin than you were for yourself. I don't want to see you hurt that way over me, especially if I can't do anything about it. Those of us who have had to bear that…it scars them. It scars them badly. For example, since your memories were erased Rin has withdrawn almost completely into the Inner House. If it weren't for Haru, I don't know what would have happened to her. She doesn't dare make another friend outside the Inner court for fear it could happen again. We don't take risks well, Tamae."

" I know that."

"Hai, I know. I have to make sure you understand that. If you pursue this, and for the most part it will be you, you have to understand that I can't simply belong to you. I belong to Akito first. He will always be first. It's a lot to live with, and most people wouldn't. If you can't, or you won't, then you should leave now. Leave, and don't come back. Close this chapter in your life and write another one."

"And if I decide to continue this one?"

"I'm not going anywhere."

Tamae looked down at her hands, still holding his. She released it. "You've given me a lot to think about, Shigure. You're right; this isn't as simple as it would be with someone who isn't cursed. Right now, I don't know what I want. I want to be a part of your life. But I don't know if I want the whole reality of being that part. I don't know…" She looked at him. "I need some time."

"I understand."

"Did Honda-san…what did she do?"

"She simply accepted it; I don't know if it's because she has a generous spirit or she's just so simple-minded that it never occurred to her that it was wrong. She is the only person I've met like that."

"Oh." She stood up carefully; she'd been sitting a long time. "I guess I should leave then."

He rose as well. "Before you go, there's something I wanted to ask you."

"Hai?"

"May I kiss you again?"