A/N:
Re-done
(Lars' POV)
Nikkie was expected here in an hour. I told her to go home and do whatever she needed to first and to give me an hour with Twist. I didn't use the hour with him. Sitting in my room I toyed with my blade.
The cold steel was pressed hard against my wrist and I ripped the skin. I felt the stinging rush as I blotted my wrist with a cloth I had used and washed many times before. I smiled as I did it again. This felt so much better. Blotting my wrist and smelling my own blood made me feel better. I was disgusting and I knew it. The pain didn't bother me at all and I liked that. A knock came from the front door, damn. I pulled on a black hoodie and wrapped the cloth on my wrist. I climbed down the steps, why hadn't Twister been doing this?
It was a small package in the door unmarked, I hadn't unwrapped it yet. I put it in my pocket and headed into the kitchen. I grabbed two popsicles and headed up the stairs.
Twister was lying on his bed, I wanted to hug him but I just tossed a popsicle to him. He mumbled something inaudible, I didn't respond.
One last time I brought the blade across my wrist and dried it almost completely. This pain was amusing now. My hoodie it smelled like weed and parties. Why? I had never worn this one out.
I sprayed phoenix on myself I smelled better but the hoodie was still laced with the weed and parties. It didn't bother me as much though. The strange package still lingered in my head. Patiently I blotted and waited for the blood to dry. Finally it did.
Nearly the second it stopped I went into my brother's room this was my chance to talk to him.
"You feeling any better?" I asked him walking into his room.
"Knock much?" He asked with a smile. Finally he was sitting up. It made me feel better. I laughed a little. "Yeah a little," He replied, it was amusing.
"You know I always wanted to be like you." I told Twister as I sat next to him, "Well the old you, not this drug head." I ruffled his hair slightly.
"Why?" He asked me with a quizzical look in his eye.
"It's just you've always had your friends and you were always really close. I never had that. And I was jealous that I didn't have someone to look out for me." I smiled a little Twist was a good friend to me now.
"I did always have you looking out for me, but you whomped me like crazy it was so unfair." He said huffing at me.
"Someone had to keep you in line." I smiled, he was a great little brother really.
"Who was at the door before?" He asked remembering the knocking.
"I have no idea. someone left a package." I said thinking of that deep drawl from outside.
"What is it?" Twister replied. I shrugged.
"Remember the time you broke mom's vase?" I asked remembering that hideous thing sitting on the end table so many years before.
"Yeah, and she pinned it on both of us, sorry." Twister laughed a little.
I was starting to get really hot in this hoodie, it was grotesquely humid in this room, it was probably even worse outside.
"It's okay I didn't want you to go through hell and be grounded for so long." Quickly I replied, this fucking hoodie was so hot.
"You okay bro?" He asked me, maybe I was going insane.
"Yeah, why do you ask?" I shoved my left sleeve up, opposite of where the cuts were.
"You are sweating and you look horrible."
"I'm fine." He eyed my hoodie and the one sleeve up.
"You aren't." He argued at me.
"I am." This was getting bad already. He shoved my right sleeve up. The gasp that escaped his throat was horrifying.
"You did it again!" He howled. This wasn't what I wanted him to see.
Cold linoleum floor lay at my feet. I didn't remember walking in here, I didn't that's why. Twist had dragged me. The gauze was on the counter and the disinfectant. He dumped the disinfectant, it burned like a whore. He dried the area and wrapped my arm. My arm stung horribly and felt like thousands of bees jabbing my arms. Twist was mad I had made a huge mistake.
"Sorry," I said ashamed of what I had done. My arms were battle grounds of scars and I actually liked the way it looked and how no one even bothered to notice.
"Sorry? That's all you have to say? You put all of us through this hell, this torture?" The fury retained in Twister's voice, it tortured me more then I could ever torture any of them.
"I just I have nothing better to say I guess. Don't tell Nikkie." I whispered as tears fell to the ground.
"I should, but I won't I'll let you do that. You shouldn't lie to her, you know. All this shit is hurting her." All he could do was be furious with me. The rage hid behind his eyes but I knew it was there.
I nodded my head in agreement, I knew.
"Why the hell did you torture her, and bring her into this shit? Why?" His questions filled me with hatred and sadness.
"I just, I don't know I couldn't tell anyone else. When things like this happen you don't tell the people you trust, you tell the people that never seemed to matter. Apparently, Nikkie ended up mattering which is why you can't tell her about this. I'm trying to protect her from me now." I started at the ground the things I said were horrible.
"She likes you dumb ass, she's an amazing girl don't fuck that up. Don't. Don't. DON'T FUCKING RUIN EVERYTHING!" Twister was enraged I thought he might just kill me. Maybe all the pain was gone from him.
"I… I… Damnit shut up." I said. That wasn't right. I didn't want to say that, no. Wrong words. What was I trying to say?
Twister looked on in shock. I swore and told him to shut up when I had no grounds to speak at all.
"I… Fuck I don't know what I want to say Twister.I don't think I could even keep a damn girlfriend." My body started to calm now and it was good, better.
"Go on a date with her then. Take her to a restaurant it doesn't have to be fancy you idiot. She doesn't care she'll want to be with you." Twister seemed wise for his years, why was this? Did he deal with me a little too much and was somewhat forced to grow up?
I shrugged. There was a knock at the door. That was either Nikkie or the creep from earlier. Twister went to answer it while I sat in my room playing with the project paper. Grabbing my guitar I started playing 'Crazy' by Simple Plan, it was old and almost no one knew it, but I played it anyway. Softly I sang the lyrics, who the hell was at the door. Peering down the stairs I saw a female figure but I heard no voices.
Slowly I crept down the stairs wondering what sight I'd see. Silent tears fell from Nikkie's eyes. What the hell had happened? Twister just stood there staring. Had she come into the house that way? Twister had told her about my newest additions I guessed. Hopefully it was nothing worse then my simple idiocy. Easily I crept back into my room and started strumming on the guitar as I lay on my bed.
I wasn't actually playing anything just strumming. I knew Twister hadn't started cutting he would've turned to Sammy if anyone. He'd never turn to me or Reg, he couldn't confess it. The pain would hurt too much, we'd never understand even though both of us dealt with the problem before. Actually, I'm still trying to deal.
Finally, Nikkie appeared in my door way I stopped strumming when she sat on the corner of my bed and gave me the saddest look I'd ever seen.
I didn't even know what to say, "What?" was the only thing I seemed to be able to form, and it sounded horrible, miserable.
"Nothing." Her voice was lying, her eyes told the truth. Looking at the paper she then peered to me, all the work was done.
"I got bored in my classes." I replied playing with the papers. "You could write your journal entry I guess."
"I'll do that."
-
(Nikkie's POV)
I sprawled out on his bed lying on my stomach. What to write, I wasn't even sure. My pencil to the paper I wrote Dear Whoever. I wasn't sure what to write. Thoughts just scribbled onto the paper.
A really good friend of mine is a cutter I don't know what to do. He only hurts himself now. Seven hospital visits for attempted suicide and it continuously gets to me. His brother tells me not to worry my own tells me to stay away from the guy. My best friend tells me to watch myself. Today I was told by someone that this suicidal friend cut himself again, and now won't stop. I'm worried his brother may start the habit because now he has no one to turn to. Why am I writing this in here? I guess because you said we could write whatever we wanted. My eyes are beginning to swell with tears and I don't even know what to say anymore. But I'll continue to write and write. I met his eyes today the pain seemed so unbearable. His brother is twisted now, and hurt terribly because of something his brother used to do. Does pain ever end? I'm not sure if it ever will. One thing I'd like to believe is that there is happiness on Earth, somewhere. Although, I know there isn't it seems like something worth believing in. I never knew my brother had such anger, such aggression. He is so irritable. He wrought pain on my life, I'd never let it get to far though. I may love my brother but he doesn't respect anyone. Truthfully, he probably never will. More then anything I wish he respected me like Twister respects Lars, and Lars respects Twister. They are like best friends. Otto and I are kind of like best friends, but we hide secrets from each other and end up lying. Sometimes I think it'd be nice to be an only child, like my best friend Sammy. Then I know I'd wonder what it'd be like to have siblings. Really I don't think I'd give up being a sibling for anything.
I turned the page over, now I really had to write more. The words were coming out of nowhere filling the blank lines.
Now I realize the words are filling these empty lines. I start hearing a song by Simple Plan, I'm pretty sure it's I won't be there.
'I don't make this harder then I have to.
This is how it has to be.
There are so many things I want to say.
But you don't listen to me.
I don't want to hurt you.
You don't want to hurt me.
I can't stand you and
You can't stand me.
We can't rearrange.
You can never change me.
Say goodbye.
Nothing I say will change your mind.
Because I can't stay
Tomorrow I'll be on my way.
So don't expect to find me sleeping in my bed.
Because when you wake up I won't be there.
Everything I say you find a way to make it
Sound like I was born yesterday.
And everything you taught me doesn't mean a thing.
I don't want to hurt you.
You don't want to hurt me.
I can't stand you and
You can't stand me.
We can't rearrange.
You can never change me.
Say goodbye.
Nothing I say will change your mind.
Because I can't stay
Tomorrow I'll be on my way.
So don't expect to find me sleeping in my bed.
Because when you wake up I won't be there.
This is the last night that I spend at home.
And it won't take to long for you to notice.
It won't take long for you to find out that I'm gone.
Because I can't stay.
Tomorrow I'll be on my way.
So don't expect to find me sleeping in my bed.
Because when you wake up I won't be there.
Because I can't stay.
Tomorrow I'll be on my way.
So don't expect to find me sleeping in my bed.
Because when you wake up I won't be there.
Yeah. I won't be there.
I won't be there.
I won't be there.'
I don't know why it's in my head but I was singing it quietly. 'Til the day I die. I promise I won't change. So you better give up. I don't wanna be told to grow up and I don't wanna change. I just wanna have fun. I don't wanna be told to grow up. And I don't' wanna change. So you better give up. Because I'm not gunna change I don't wanna grow up.' Another Simple Plan song was in my head and I don't get it. This time it's the hidden track, I think it's actually called 'Grow Up,' I don't really know.
Again I started a fresh page.
"Hi Nikkie." Raoul said walking into the room. "Lars." He nodded his head as if I were his daughter and Lars was just some kid.
"Yeah?" Lars had asked him.
"How was your day?"
"Fine, sort of fun actually. Nik and I are working on our parenting project, kind of. She finished her journal entry and I did all the math stuff."
"That's nice." Raoul said leaving the room. Something was up. Really up. Lars rolled off the bed and I watched him disappear. I didn't dare follow I just wondered where he was going. Maybe Twister had left again, Lars would flip.
I heard footsteps, I could hardly recognize them but their shyness revealed it was Twister. I waved him in. "Where's Lars now?" I asked as he sat on the bed resting his back on the wall.
"Downstairs getting another popsicle." A smile crossed his face and he chuckled a bit. I guessed it was an inside joke of sorts.
"Why is he eating so many popsicles?" I asked it was a curious habit.
"Because when he dropped Acid, Fred gave him popsicles and it made him feel better I guess." Twister shrugged he wasn't even sure.
"That doesn't make any sense." I questioned chewing on my pencil eraser.
"It doesn't?" He asked, wow he definitely hasn't gotten over his stupidity.
"Exactly." I nodded my head. "What if it's his way of getting over cutting? He has something transfixed with the popsicles and it's keeping him straight."
"That doesn't make sense." Twister said, I'm not sure if he was messing around or if he was just saying what I had moments ago. I raised an eyebrow to him I still don't think he got it.
"What do you mean?" I finally asked.
"Exactly what would fix him on popsicles?" He asked. I thought about it.
"You dropping acid and Fred and him giving you all those popsicles, he's worrying about you so it could be in his head. Maybe he's thinking if he eats those popsicles he'll be okay, you'll be okay, everything will be okay."
"Still makes no sense." He definitely didn't understand what I was saying. That idiot.
"How does it not?" I asked looking at him. He just shrugged. A sob came from outside the door. A long depressing sob.
It had been Lars.
"Did you tell him?" I asked, I knew he knew about the problem. About everything.
"About the... issue?" He looked at me and shook his head.
"Does he know?" I asked, already freaking out.
"No? I don't think so." Twister replied. We looked at each, and I nearly cried.
A/N:
Larssss?
What're you doingggg?