Holy cow guys! Havent UD in a LOOONNGG time. I wasn't sure how to write this, but TA DA! IT'S DONE! Not gonna lie, I cried writing this, the huge sop I am… Enjoy :)

I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathing.

Just praying to a god that I don't believe in.

'Cause I've got time while she's got freedom…

'Cause when I heart breaks, no it don't break even.

DPOV

I never thought I would go to hell. I knew I had done some bad things in life, made a few mistakes, but I never saw myself as a terrible person. Never thought I'd one day be living my very own, specially-made version of hell. Until now, when I was. When I was looking down at the lifeless body of the woman I loved, looking down and seeing the pain she had felt, pain that had ended up as harsh marks on her beautiful body. Pain she didn't feel she could talk to me about. The beeping from the heart monitor told me she was alive, and after a while my heart found the rhythm of it, and now I was certain that if hers faltered, mine, too, would shut off and die. Another ending would be intolerable. The hours after we had ran to the hospital had been dark and messy, full of blood and crying and pain and, a few times, near escapes with death. There had been anger and guilt and confusion. Panic, more blood, more crying. But now was the worst part. Roza had slipped peacefully into what they were calling a short-term coma, one her body had self-induced to allow her to rest. It was about four in the morning and I had not left her side for thirty-two hours, afraid that I might miss something crucial. Lissa and the others had left about eleven last night, but I had remained. The doctors would not tell me how likely her survival was- she had not been moved from the critical unit, and the horrible machine was still breathing for her. I had never thought of Rose as fragile or breakable, but now she was. It seemed tragic that it was only now in the direst of circumstances I realised how precious she was to me. I gritted my teeth, trying to fight back a wave of panic at the thought that she might never come back, that one day, maybe sometime soon, we would be faced with the decision of taking her off life support.

"No!" I growled. "No!" I yelled down at the woman in the bed, fighting the urge to cry. "You don't get off this easy, Hathaway!" I hissed at her, clinging to her hand, trying to find life in her body, emotion in her features, horrified when I found none. It pained me to realise how selfish my need for her was, how selfish it was that I was unable to let her go. Perhaps if I hadn't have been so selfish, she wouldn't be lying here today. A tear slipped from my eye as I looked down at her. Why had I told Lissa, when she first approached me, that I thought Rose would testify? Why had I let Rose come into the courtroom when Lissa had warned me what the defence lawyers would say? I should have looked out for her. I had promised over and over again that I would protect her, but I always failed.

How many times had I held her hand? Three times, maybe four? Five at the most? Why not more?

How many times had I bought her flowers? Never.

How many times had I seen her really, truly happy? Never enough.

I had never danced with her. Never cooked a meal for her. Never watched a movie with her. Never introduced her to my family. All this ripped away from us, from me, from her. All my fault.

How many times had I asked her out to dinner? Never. Why? Why hadn't I done that, all of that, when I'd had the chance? I should have let her know what she meant to me. Now I might never get the chance. A low sob shook my chest. I had never told her my secret. I had never told her the answer to the question she had asked over and over again-Why? But now she might never know. I would never tell her the truth, never get to thank her for all she had done for me. I grasped her small, weak hand in mine, pressing the cool skin to my lips.

"Please, Roza," I whispered. "Please, don't leave me, sweetheart."

ONE DAY LATER

Death is easy. Gentle. Peaceful. It's what happens after you wake up that's the hard part. It was mid-afternoon when I woke, finding myself in a small hospital room, alone. I felt all the memories come rushing back to me, and cringed. Guilt. Pain. Fear. What had I done? Why had I done it? Then I remembered. The lack of self-worth, the feeling that I wasn't good enough, that I would never be good enough. It was crushing enough to push me to do something awful, and for a second I wasn't honestly sure if I was happy or sad that I had failed. Ironically, I actually felt fine despite of what I had done. I felt sickeningly healthy. The doorknob turned and Lissa was revealed to me. Her eyes widened in shock.

"Oh my god. Oh my god." She dropped the water bottle she'd been holding to stare at me. I bit my lip, holding back a shudder of tears.

"Liss, I'm so sorry," I started, but she launched herself at me, climbing unceremoniously into the bed.

"Oh, Rose," she mumbled over and over again.

"Are you angry with me?" I asked, bracing myself for the shitstorm. She stroked my hair.

"No, honey. No, I'm not angry. I was just so worried-I didn't understand, I should have understood-"

"It wasn't your fault," I breathed. "Okay?" She nodded, wiping a tear from her eye, and planted a kiss on my cheek.

"Okay," she hiccupped. "I know you don't want to talk about it right now, but when you do, I'll be right here, okay?" She said gently. I nodded, so glad she understood me so well. She smiled softly.

"I should tell them you're awake. I'll come back in an hour or so." Lissa was only gone for a moment-the door didn't even have time to close before it was shoved wide open again, a half-naked Dimitri standing in the doorway. His eyes were wild, his jeans were unbuttoned, his hair soaking wet. He had been in the shower, I guessed, and under normal circumstances I would have made a smart-alec response, but I couldn't. I lay there looking back at him and feeling like I had committed the biggest, most terrible betrayal ever. I realised how much I must have hurt him, and cringed. Slowly he turned around and shut the door with a soft click, throwing his towel and shirt over a chair. The bed dipped when he sat down on it, and one of his arms slipped around my shoulders.

"How do you feel?" He said quietly. I nodded dryly.

"Fine," I said, staring straight at the opposite wall. The conversation was robotic and foreign to me, I didn't know how to handle it. I realised he was shaking-his whole body trembling with emotion, emotion reciprocated in his dark eyes.

"Are you oka-"I started, but he shook his head, cutting me off.

"Don't you dare ask me if I am okay," he growled. I flinched, unsure where this was going.

"You're angry," I said in a small voice. "Dimitri, I'm so, so sorr-"

"Don't be sorry!" He roared. "Just tell me why, Rose! Please, I'm begging you! Tell me what I did wrong, what made you do it!" He said desperately. His expression contorted into one of pain as a tear leaked out of his eye, tracking down his unusually pale cheek, and he grabbed a handful of his hair, closing his eyes.

"Damnit, Rose, it's supposed to be the shrink that kills themselves, not you, remember?" He shouted, but his voice shook towards the end.

"You feel guilty, don't you?" I said in amazement. His head snapped up.

"Of course I do," he growled. "I am to blame. If I had helped you more, been kinder to you, this wouldn't have happened." I glared at him.

"Don't talk crazy, Dimitri," I snapped. "I tried to kill myself. The fault is mine. The only blame lies within my fucked up head. Nobody else's. It's my fault," I sighed wearily. "It's always my fault. Jesus, I'm so useless!" I yelled. "I can't do this on my own, but I can't do it with you. I can't even kill myself properly," I said bitterly.

"Don't say that," he said, his voice dangerously low, and I left his arms curl protectively around me.

"Why not?" I challenged. "It's true."

"You aren't stupid, Roza," he growled. "Or do you not have any idea how much pain you have inflicted upon the people who love you?" He snapped. I bit my lip, my eyes filling with tears.

"I-I didn't know who to go to," I said, trying not to cry. "It just hurt, and I wanted the pain to go away," I said hoarsely, my chest constricting. He released a huge sigh, pressing my body closer to his.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He whispered. "I would have given anything to help you, Roza."

"Because you've been what has saved me for so long," I whispered. "And I thought I could do it without you. I need to know I can do this without you," I said quickly. "Doesn't that make sense? Dimitri, I need you," I told him earnestly. "But needing you makes me feel so weak, so vulnerable, so helpless. I only realised how much I needed you that day in court, when you talked about that Saving Grace reflex. Because you are my saving grace," I whispered. "And I need you, I love you, but I need to stop depending on you to catch me when I fall. I need to make my own mistakes. And I just did," I breathed. "I made a mistake, and the consequences were this. You were what pushed me on. You were what encouraged me to live. But now I need to be my own motivation," I said softly. I felt him swallow hard.

"I-I understand that, Roza," he breathed. "But-but it doesn't change the way I feel. I feel so terrible, I could have helped you, but I didn't."

"You're wrong," I told him, my chest tightening again as the realisation hit me. "Because even if you had tried, I wouldn't have let you. I have this horrible reflex of pushing people away," I said numbly. He sighed.

"I know." Very gently, he kissed my forehead, then looked me in the eyes with a sad smile.

"I love you, Roza," he said simply. "You know that. And I'll be back soon. But for now, you need to rest." He offered me a small, sad smile.

"I'll be right back," he breathed, and with a kiss on my cheek, was gone.

DPOV

I fled the room like a coward, her slightly confused stare still on my back. I started sprinting, nearly crashing into a few people along the hallway, my feet only taking me to one place. My head was spinning with what she had just told me. Because you are my saving grace. I need to stop depending on you to catch me when I fall. I need to make my own mistakes. Now I need to be my own motivation.

I arrived at my destination, my heart pounding hard as the enormity of what I was about to do sunk in. The small church built in to the hospital was empty and beautiful, the stone floor cold on my bare feet as I padded to the row of pews closest to the altar. I sank to my knees in front of the altar, looking up at the stained glass windows, the pictures of love, of triumph, of forgiveness, of pain. Then, I did something I hadn't done in more than fifteen years. Something I had decided didn't make sense in my life anymore. I bowed my head and prayed.

"Please," I whispered, looking up towards the sky, the atmosphere that seemed so chilling, so peaceful, so knowing. I took a deep breath and continued.

"Please, god, whoever you are…please forgive me, for what I am about to do," I breathed.

What did you think of the reunion? What is Dimitri going to do? The clue is in his location ;) Next chapter soon! Until then, leave your thoughts!

Em xx