A/N: Okay, so I totally suck….I know this. Anyways, longer A/N at the bottom.
Enjoy….the angst starts getting really deep soon…
Chapter 21 - Joshua
I stood holding Winter in my arms, both of us crying. God! I didn't want her to see me so weak. If I expected her to make it through this separation, we both needed to stay as strong as humanly possible.
My shoulders shook with each strangled sob that escaped my lips and I felt her tears course ceaselessly down my chest. I felt like such a schmuck making her cry so much for the past 24 hours. I didn't like that she was hurting as much as I was and me helpless to stop the hurt for her.
I loosened my grip on her and tilted her face to mine, kissing her lips gently. Her amethyst eyes were red and swollen around the edges, looking quite painful. I kissed each corner of her haunted eyes, tasting her salty tears.
"Would you like to go back to the bedroom until Sam gets here?" I asked quietly. Silently, I was begging her to allow me to be with her again so that I would have something to cling to when I could no longer hold her in my arms. She sniffled and took a deep breath before answering me, "Sure, that would be nice."
I smiled at her, praying that she could be happy for just a little longer today before both of our worlds came crashing down around us. Her answering smile was sad, yet glorious. Supporting the majority of her weight, I led her down the hallway, us leaning on each other.
I pushed the door open, and pulled her with me to the bed. I laid her down as tenderly as I could manage and lay next to her, tracing my fingers lightly over her sullen face.
"What are you thinking?" I asked her, realizing that I was suddenly terrified to hear what was going through her head. "The truth?" she asked, pleading with me. "Yes, I always want you to be honest with me," I said, "even if it may hurt me to know." "I'm thinking of how much it's going to hurt when you leave," she whispered, her voice breaking, "I also wonder if I am going to be able to live through this. How long will it take me to go back to normal? Will there be a day when I can walk in here without breaking down into sobs? If we do go along with this, will you still want me after ten whole years? The list goes on and on…"
I broke at the helplessness in her voice, grabbing her roughly by her shoulders and crushed her to my chest.
"NEVER think for a moment that I would not want you!!" I growled. I couldn't get a grip on the fierceness in my voice and continued angrily, "I love you so much that I feel like there is a five-hundred ton weight crushing down on my chest! I will not be able to leave you if you torment yourself this way. I will never see another woman as long as I have you in my heart. I am so very sorry that we will have to be away from each other for such a long time. It will kill me just as much to be apart from you." I felt the blood pool up in my cheeks; I was terribly embarrassed having to open myself up like that to her.
I dropped my face and twisted my hands uncomfortably in my lap. I wondered if it was okay to feel this way for her; men are supposed to be the strong one in the relationship and here I am sounding like a girl. I never knew that she would be the type to need declarations of love; I also never knew that I'd be put in the situation where I would have to make said declarations.
She looked startled at the ferocity with which I spoke, her hand was on her stomach, her mouth frozen in a silent 'O' of shock. I watched as the color drained out of her face and her skin became the sickliest shade of green. Winter's eyes welled up with tears as her hand flew up to her mouth, clamping down tightly. She all but flew off of the bed, running full speed for the bathroom. I heard her retching violently into the toilet, and I suddenly felt sick myself.
I went after her into the bathroom, rubbing soothing circles into her back with one hand and holding her hair with the other. I was becoming panicky when after several moments she didn't stop throwing up. If she didn't stop soon, she'd be throwing up her stomach lining.
"Baby, please calm down," I urged her, "Take a deep breath for me." Her voice echoed from the toilet bowl, "Just leave me alone for a minute Josh. I don't like you seeing me like this." "I want to be here for you," I replied soothingly, "You aren't feeling well." I felt like a biblical donkey stating the obvious as she finally calmed enough to downgrade to dry heaves.
"Seriously, Josh," she said, "I don't want you to see this…hic…GO AWAY!" Her voice dripped warning and I wanted to laugh at how ferocious she thought she was being.
The talking was apparently helping calm her system down; her dry heaves had almost stopped altogether. "Not likely," I said. I couldn't help the small smile that played on my lips.
She stood up, bracing her hands on the top of the toilet, determined to put a strong front up for me.
I walked over to the sink, grabbing the mouthwash that sat on the counter. I took the few steps back to her to hand it to her and she took it gratefully, taking a swig straight from the bottle. Swishing the liquid around in her mouth, she flinched at the burn of the alcohol in the mouthwash. She leaned over the basin and spit the mouthful out.
"Thanks…" she said, unwilling to meet my eyes. I lifted her chin up so that she could only look into my eyes. "Anything for you my love." I told her, trying to convey the amount of love and devotion I had for her. "Would you like to join me in the shower?" I asked with what I hoped was a seductive smile. She grinned and said, "It would be my pleasure."
I removed my shirt from her shoulders, reveling in the feeling of her soft skin under my hands. She sighed under my touch, trembling slightly. Knowing what I was doing to her was doing things to me.
I remembered with perfect clarity what we had done the past few nights and felt that I was making it more difficult on the both of us by giving myself to her so fully. "How would you like some music?" I purred at her. "Okay," she said and winked at me.
I went through the songs in my head, trying to find the perfect song for right now. I fought with my self-loathing; I'm such a monster for making her miserable on our last day. Sensing my mood, the music started and I almost laughed out loud at the irony of the situation. "I'm Not An Angel" by Halestorm started playing. Filling the air was the sound of melancholy guitars. Not long after, the lead singer's strong voice filled the air:
You made a mistake
On the day that you met me and lost your way
You saw all the signs
But you let it go, you closed your eyes
I shoulda told you to leave
'Cause I knew all the time, you couldn't handle me
But you're hard to resist
When you're on your knees, begging me
I tear you down
I make you bleed
Eternally
Can't help myself from hurting you
And it's hurting me
I don't have wings, so flying with me won't be easy
'Cause I'm not an angel
I'm not an angel
Hate being that wall
That you hit when you feel like you gave it all
I keep taking the blame
When we both know that I'll never change
I tear you down
I make you bleed
Eternally
Can't help myself from hurting you
And it's hurting me
I don't have wings
So flying with me won't be easy
'Cause I'm not an angel
I'm not an angel
I wasn't always this way
I used to be the one with the halo
But that disappeared when I had my first taste
And fell from grace
It left me
In this place
I'm starting to think
That maybe you like it
I tear you down
I make you bleed
Eternally
Can't help myself from hurting you
And it's hurting me
I don't have wings
So flying with me won't be easy
'Cause I'm not an angel
I'm not an angel
Hey……
I'm not an angel
I'm not an angel
I'm not an angel
I'm not an angel
Winter's shoulders shook silently; I swore under my breath that if I had accidentally made her cry, Sam wouldn't have to destroy me, I'd commit suicide. Her shoulders shook harder and finally I heard a sound escape her lovely lips: laughter. She was laughing. THANK GOD! I laughed my rumbling laugh, relieved that she was not crying.
She raised her face to mine, still laughing, tears now escaping her eyes. "Well, that was bullshit, ha-ha!" she chortled. I tilted my head at her, looking at her like she was a bit hysterical, "Sorry about that," I apologized quickly, "it seems that the music picked up on my feelings." I started laughing too seeing the absurdity of the situation. She reached behind me and stroked my wings, making me shiver, "If you aren't an angel, then I'm Angelina Jolie."
She removed my pants still chuckling and I reached behind me turning the water on. When I was sure that the water was a sufficient temperature for her, I pulled her in with me to the shower. "I need you to come with me, Ms. Jolie," I joked. She let a cross expression grace her face for a few seconds, but it didn't linger there long.
I grasped the body wash from the solid marble shelf on the wall and squeezed an ample puddle into my hand. I washed her from head to toe, loving the way she moaned when I would hit the secret spots on her only I knew.
She returned the favor by washing every inch of me as well. I felt mildly embarrassed when she got to my penis, the damn thing jumped up like a long neglected puppy. I felt a sigh escape from my lips as she continued to stroke me with her soft soapy hands. I felt my breathing hitch as I felt myself getting closer to spilling myself all over the floor of the shower. "Hell! Don't stop!" I shouted at her as she pumped faster. I thrust harder into her hand, feeling the pressure building up in my balls. "Oh, God!" I yelled as I felt my release explode from me.
I leaned against the shower wall for support feeling suddenly weak in the knees. Winter looked at me shyly while I regained my strength. "Sorry about that," I told her. She then did the most damned sexy thing I had ever seen before; she brought her hand, still sticky with my nut, up to her mouth and licked it all off of her fingers. She finished licking her fingers and smiled saying, "I'm not."
She grinned wickedly at me. "You little slut!" I admonished tenderly, leaning in to kiss her. She giggled, poked me in the stomach and jumped out of the shower. I ran out after her, snatching two towels as I passed them. Wrapping my arm around her waist, I dove onto the bed, already kissing her.
"You know I love you, right?" I asked affectionately. She playfully smacked my arm and replied, "Only as I love you."
I opened my mouth to reply when suddenly a loud roar erupted from the direction of the living room. "I LEAVE TO LET YOU DISCUSS THE IMPENDING SEPERATION AND COME BACK TO FIND YOU FORNICATING?!?!" "Oh, shit, Sam's here!" I said jumping up from the bed and grabbed my slacks from the floor.
Winter's face turned a lovely shade of cherry as she flew off the bed, going to the closet and picking out some clothes that I had brought for her. She looked like a child that was just caught having sex by both of her parents and pastor in the middle of church.
I stopped and bent over laughing. I had to brace my hands on my knees to keep myself from falling over. "What in the hell is so funny??" she asked incredulously. "The look…on your face…priceless!" I gasped out still laughing hysterically. "SHUT UP JOSH!!" she squealed at me, throwing a hanger at me but it just bounced off of my wings, not hurting me in the slightest. I just laughed harder.
Winter yanked on a pair of jeans and a tank top still huffing at me. Her face was even more red, aw, she was angry…that's so cute. I walked over to her and embraced her after wiping the tears from my eyes. "Would it help if I said I'm sorry?" I whispered, instantly aching for her forgiveness. "Yes, but I really don't think that Samuel will be as forgiving as I am…" she responded worriedly.
I refused to let her pessimism transfer to me, I was still floating in the happy euphoria that my body subjected me to after being intimate with Winter. I watched her as she quickly put shoes on her feet with a smirk on my face.
I silently wished for just a few more minutes….or hours…or days with her before Sam ruined my life. I knew it was hopeless, but it was okay to hope.
Right?
A/N: So, first update in awhile, huh?? I hope you like it….I have had a rough time…My house was broken into on New Year's Day and a bunch of crap was stolen….my laptop being the first thing out of the house…assholes.
Anyways, you know how this goes…I'm super addicted to reviews, please just click the button and make the happiest re-re in the world.