Obi-Wan stared at Anakin, horrified as the screaming continued. "Anakin! Anakin it's okay!" he called out, reaching for the younger Jedi.
"Don't touch me!" Anakin screamed, flinching from the touch. His chest was heaving, eyes were wild and full of fear as he stared at Obi-Wan. "Please," he croaked. "Don't touch me, don't ever touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me-"
Obi-Wan sat helplessly as Anakin curled into a ball and repeated his new mantra. He reached out tentitively through the force, hoping for some way, any way to help the younger man. He was surprised to find Anakin's shields all but completely lowered, but then again, he doubted that, in his panicked state, the boy could focus on much else. He could feel the mantra of "don't touch me" running through Anakin's mind, could feel his pure panic, his lack of reasoning as fear took over everything else. Uncertain of any other way to get through to him, Obi-Wan started thinking of his favorite Anakin moments and letting them slip through their bond.
Anakin teasing Ahsoka as they completed a mission, Anakin laughing as he flew a fighter, Anakin's mocking reasurance as Obi-Wan sat terrified next to him on yet another crashing ship, Anakin practicing with his lightsaber, with an ease that most Jedi never truly found.
Everything he thought, he made sure it had nothing sexual in it. It was all about the amazing person the young Jedi had come to be, and how much those around him respected and adored him. Anakin's breathing began to slow, his eyes starting to lose their fearful expression.
He ran a trembling hand through tousled hair as he looked up at Obi-Wan. "Thank you."
"Anything to help you, Anakin." He responded, grateful that the memories were having the desired effect.
A knock at the door had both men turning, startled at the sudden noise. "Is everything okay?" Ahsoka's worried voice coming through the door.
"Ah, yes, everything is fine, young one." Obi-Wan called back. "We will be out shortly."
When the sound of Ahsoka's footsteps faded away, Obi-Wan turned back towards Anakin. "Are you okay?" he asked gently.
Anakin didn't quite meet his eyes as he nodded. "I'm fine. I should get going, Ahsoka will be waiting for me, I'm sure."
"Of course." Was all Obi-Wan could think to say.
Both men dressed quickly and quietly, although when they left the room, instead of going to the training room, Anakin turned in the direction of his own bedroom. When he saw Obi-Wan's questioning look he waved him off.
"I just need to grab something." He said, trying his best to give the Jedi Master a smile.
When Obi-Wan returned the smile and then headed off, Anakin quickly ducked inside his room. A sigh of relief leaving him once he was finally alone, Anakin sat on his bed, enjoying the moment to think. While he had told Obi-Wan he felt better, he knew when he said it, it was a lie. He was far from okay, and while Obi-Wan's memories helped considerably, he still felt the familiar edge of panic racing through his veins.
He allowed his mind to drift to what Obi-Wan had said earlier, before he had lost it. Obi-Wan said he loved him, and he believed the older man, but after everything he had been through, he wasn't sure if he could truly love again. The word itself sent shivers down his spine, for sith's sake! After the first time, Falik had enjoyed the exchange of those three words, so much so that they lost any true meaning to Anakin. They were no longer the words he and his mother had shared, back when they were both slaves, having nothing but each other. They were no longer the words he felt for Obi-Wan and Ahsoka. Now, they were just a power play, no other use than to cause pain.
When memories of Falik threatened to spill back into his mind, he quickly reached for the flask that he had placed in his nightstand drawers. He took several deep pulls from it, enjoying the warmth that ran through him, the way it dulled the thoughts in his mind. Maybe this was all he needed, just something to dull the edges when it got too intense. It wouldn't be all that often, just enough so that he wouldn't have another embarrassing moment of screaming for no reason. He thought to himself.
The justification firmly in his mind, he took on last drink and then slipped the flask in the folds of his tunic. As he left the room, the weight of the flask was reassuring to him, and this time, a real smile curled the edges of his lips.
Ahsoka was relieved when Anakin appeared, a small smile on his lips. She had heard him screaming earlier, and the thought that something was wrong with her Master had her more afraid than she cared to admit. Now, however, he seemed perfectly at ease as he began his stretching, eyebrow raised when he saw Ahsoka staring.
"Something wrong, Snips?" he asked.
"Not at all, Master." She responded with relief. "Just ready to kick your butt during training today."
Anakin smirked at her taunt. "Keep saying it, maybe one day it'll happen."
The two met in the center, lightsabers ready, and then they were fighting, the moves so flawless that it almost looked more like a dance than two warriors in battle. Ahsoka swung her lightsaber in an arch, a harsh blow that Anakin easily blocked before matching with one of his own. The room was silent except for their breathing, the sound the lightsabers made when they clashed. The sound reminded Anakin of the lightwhip Falik favored, the thought distracting him for a moment, which turned out to be just enough time for Ahsoka to get a hit on Anakin's side.
Anakin gasped as the pain seared through him, his breathing became ragged as he fought off old memories that threatened to surge up. When Ahsoka ran to his side in worry, he waved her off.
"I'm fine, Ahsoka." he said briskly, "let me just go throw a patch on it."
He quickly left the training room and made his way to his room. He slipped inside before leaning his back against the wall, letting his knees buckle, he slide his way down until he was sitting. He took several deep breaths as he fumbled in his tunic, calming slightly as his fingers closed on the flask. He drank greedily from the bottle, letting the liquor wash away the memories.
He had just stumbled to his feet when a knock sounded on his door. "Just a second." he called out. He hastily stuffed the flask back into his tunic before opening the door, revealing a worried Obi-Wan.
"I heard you got injured." He said, eyes roaming Anakin's body for signs of injury.
"I'm gonna kill Ahsoka." Anakin grumbled, of course she would go tell Obi-Wan. "It's nothing, I just need to put a patch on it."
Obi-Wan's voice was quiet when he spoke next. "Was it on purpose?"
"What? No! It was just a stupid accident." Anakin said testily as he moved towards the fresher.
Obi-Wan followed him to the fresher, watching as Anakin found something to dress the wound. He reached forward to help, something he had done during the war countless times, but Anakin flinched away from the contact.
"It's okay, Master. I've got it." He said quickly. "You can go, I'll be out in just a minute." Anakin felt bad at evading Obi-Wan, but force only knew the lecture he would get if the Jedi Master felt the flask Anakin had on him.
"Very well then." Obi-Wan replied before quickly leaving Anakin to his own devices.
He found Ahsoka in the hallway and gave her a small smile. "He's okay, young one. Just patching up his wound. I daresay he will be wanting a rematch as soon as he's out."
"Of course, Master." Ahsoka replied, a knowing grin on her lips.
Obi-Wan gave her a small pat on the shoulder before he left to go back to his own room. Once safely inside, he thought back to the way Anakin had shrank from his touch, and he scolded himself for thinking the other man would welcome such affection after last night. It seemed as though, even when he was trying his best to make things right, he was just making them worse. With a sense of utter hopelessness overcoming him, he dropped his head into his hands and wept.
Anakin removed his tunic and hissed at the pain that shot through his side at the motion. The burn on his side wasn't too bad, at least compared to what he had been through, but neverthless it would still be uncomfortable for some time. With a grimance, he got to work bandanging his side, and he was nearly done when he felt Obi-Wan's emotions through their bond.
Pure helplessness, uncertainty, and fear that he wouldn't be enough, that he would fail the other man. And then another emotion over came the other Jedi, echos of it washing over Anakin. Love, in the rawest form, wanting the absolute best for the one he truly cared for. Willing to sacrifice himself for the one that meant the world to him, the thought of the one he loved being in pain absolutely unbearable. Wishing there was anything he could do to make things better.
And in that moment, Anakin was ashamed. Not for what he had been through, not for what had been done to him, but for what he was allowing Obi-Wan to go through. He looked at the flask that he had set on the counter, in disgust. Taking it, he dumped the remaining contents into the sink, watching as it washed away. He was done hiding, done trying to self medicate his way into feeling better. Obi-Wan had always, always, been there for him. It was time he did the same.
Obi-Wan tried his best to muffle his sobs, so much so, that he didn't realize when the door to his room opened and Anakin stepped inside. When he felt familiar fingertips touch the top of his head, he looked up in surprise. Anakin looked down at him with such tenderness as he stoked Obi-Wan's hair.
"Move over." Anakin said gently, and Obi-Wan instantly complied. The younger Jedi quickly removed both of their boots and then climbed under the sheets, pulling Obi-Wan tight against him.
"I-I can't say those words." He said hesitantly, "I don't know if I ever can, but I can tell you how I feel." When Obi-Wan lay silent next to him, he continued. "I know that you're the one I want to see as soon as I wake up, and the last thing I want to see before I fall asleep. I know that you are my best friend, mentor, and lover. I know that you are always there when I need you, and I try to always be there when you need me. You are the one who makes me laugh, and holds me when I cry. You've taught me to be a better man. To me, Obi-Wan, you are everything. You are, and always will be, my everything."
The shudder of Obi-Wan's shoulders and the sob that left the other man's lips made Anakin panic for a moment, certain that he had ruined this too, but then Obi-Wan was looking up at him, a smile on his face even as tears continued to fall. "Everything." he whispered,
"Everything." Anakin whispered back, and then they were in each others arms, relishing the fact that they were, at last, on the same page.
To be continued...