Wednesday 27th October, 2010
Special Delivery: Epilogue

Her number was programmed into my cell, like I'd known we'd be meeting again and she answered on the first ring.

"Hi, Diane? It's Kensi. Special Agent Kensi Blye? Of NCIS?"

"I remember." Her voice sounds thick and yet raw at the same time, as if she's been crying forever. She probably has been. I remember I cried for three days straight when Jack left.

"Diane, I'm sorry, because I know it's kind of late, but I was wondering if I could come over to see you?"

"I don't think I can tell you anything more."

She sounds as if she is at the end of her tether and I know exactly where Diane is, because I have been there. I have walked along that lonely road, hand in hand with myself as I thought about how many other roads had taken Jack gradually further and further away from me, until he became a virtual stranger who eventually walked out on me, as easily if he was merely kicking the dust off his shoes. Jack walked out without a second glance and he never once looked back or even bothered to send me a text to let me know he was okay. That showed me how much he didn't care. He probably started his new life straight away, while I struggled to even get out of bed. In a lot of ways, I wish Jack had died before he shattered all my illusions about love and life. I know it nearly killed me when he walked out, because I didn't want to live without him. If he'd only had the decency to die, then maybe I'd be able to let myself fall in love again and not be so afraid of getting hurt again. If he'd died, at least I would have still had all my hopes and dreams left intact. Instead, he crushed them underfoot in his hurry to get away from me. I realised a long time ago that the only way I can stop getting hurt like that again is by making sure that I never get so involved with any man ever again. It's selfish, I know it is, but if Jack had died, then at least I would still have had my memories of the time we spent together left untarnished and I would have been able to think about all the good times. Instead, I look back and I wonder how much of what I remember is actually true and if Jack ever loved me. How could he have loved me and walked out on me? This case has stirred up so many memories and it's hard not to feel personally involved. I need to see Diane, because I think that maybe I can ease her pain just enough for her to be able to keep on living.

"Diane - we've got Thomas's killer."

There's a long silence at the other end of the phone before she finally speaks. "Good."

I realise that nothing else matters to Diane: not who killed Thomas, or even why he was killed. All that matters is that he is dead and his killer has been apprehended. The rest are mere details because Thomas is dead, he is never coming back and nothing else really matters. I know that Diane will be sitting in her apartment, looking at the door and trying to come to terms with the fact that she will never hear his footsteps again, never hear his voice or see his smile and I remember feeling that there was no point in living after Jack left, because he was my life. But that was a long time ago and I was another person back then. Somehow I found the strength to keep get out of bed the next day, and then the day after that and gradually it got a little bit easier. Now I look back and I wonder why I didn't have the sense to kick Jack out months before he left, right around the time he turned into an emotional vampire. Nate taught me that phrase. I miss Nate. I don't know where he is right now, and I just hope he's okay. More of those roads coming between me and the people I care about, I guess.

"I really need to see you, Diane. I've got something to give you." Finally, she agrees that I can come over.

I just hope that when I give her the ring it might help to ease her grief a little, if she realises that although he might have changed in some way, Thomas did love her, and he'd bought her the ring she'd always dreamt about. As for the rest – she doesn't need to know about the looting and everything that happened afterwards. Why should I trample on Diane's dreams any more than life has already done? I open the box and look at the diamond ring and all it is meant to represent before snapping it shut again. When it comes right down to it, a diamond is only a lump of carbon, after all. It's nothing special in itself. It's the symbolism we attach to it that makes a diamond something to be coveted. And then I open the box again and take another look. It is a pretty ring. It's exactly what an engagement ring should be. I'd love a ring like that. I'd love to be in a relationship again.

And today, there I was, standing in a shop and pretending to choose a ring, with Deeks at my side. That should be funny, I should be laughing at the thought of that. Because I'm not his type, after all. Another of life's little ironies that's come up to slap me in the face, because he is my type. He is so my type. He's the one man that might make me change my mind about not becoming involved again after Jack. But I'm not his type and that's all there is to it.

When I get to Diane's, we have an uneasy meeting, and I can understand that. Everything is still so very raw and Diane is grieving, and at the same time she is wondering what happened to the man she fell in love with. She's wondering if she ever really knew Thomas. He was an idiot, that's obvious. And a thief. But he wasn't all bad… If you'd seen Diane's face when she opened the box and saw the ring, I know you'd agree with me. Thomas redeemed himself with that ring.

"That's the ring. The ring I chose." Her face lights up when she sees it and it's like I've given her the sun and the moon and all the stars to play with. It's just a modest ring, with a rather small diamond, but it means everything to her. And it restores just a little bit of my faith in the human race.

"We found it with Thomas's things. I thought you should have it."

Diane just keeps staring at the ring, like she can't quite believe what she is seeing.

"I think he really loved you and he just wanted you to be happy."

She's crying again, but this time there is just a little bit of joy intermingled with the sorrow and sadness, and the fresh green bitterness. As I leave, I hope that the ring will give her a little comfort and will let her believe in her dead fiancé and the love they once shared. So what if I've glossed over a few things? Exactly who am I hurting by doing that? Diane deserves the chance to go on and find happiness again. She deserves to look back at her time with Jack and believe that they really were happy. I don't want her to end up like me – lonely and alone and afraid to ever love another man again.

Well, I did the right thing. Too often in this job I only get to see the worst of people, and I never get to have closure. I hate that word, but tonight I tried to make a difference, to ease Diane's pain a little and in some small way to try to make amends for all that I've done in my life. And if that is closure, then fine. But I know that there are other people I should speak to and things I should say, only I'm not ready for that yet. There are still some more miles I have to travel down my road before I will be ready to revisit the past and to see if things look any different now. One day I will take that journey, but not tonight.

As I'm walking to my car, my cell goes off. I look at the display and see that it's Deeks. Of course it is Deeks. No doubt by now he's drunk far too much whisky and wants a ride home.

"Kensi? Are you busy?"

What did I tell you? I know him far too well. "Kind of, Deeks. It's been a long day."

"I know. You don't look busy."

"What?"

"I said that you don't look busy." And he doesn't sound drunk. "Look across the road."

He's right there, leaning against his car, cell in one hand and the other is waving at me. And there's a big grin on his face.

"What are you doing, Deeks?"

"Waving in an attractive, 'come hither, young maid' sort of manner?"

Despite myself, I start to smile. "You're an idiot."

"I know. I could be drinking a very nice single malt, instead of going bowling with you."

"Bowling? Who said anything about bowling?" For some reason I'm walking across the street to join him, still talking into my cell even when we are only a few feet apart.

"I did. Why – do you have other plans?" Deeks ends the call and stands there looking at me.

Well, there's a heap of out-of-date food in my fridge that needs to be heaved, the bath could do with a good clean and if I don't do some laundry soon I'm going to have to go out and buy myself a whole new lot of underwear instead, but apart from that…

"I've not got any plans. And bowling sounds good."

It sounds like fun. I haven't been bowling for years, although dad and I used to go every week. Maybe I'll tell Deeks that, just about the time I'm starting to beat him hollow. Not that I'm competitive.

"So it's a date?" He's opening the car door for me.

"It's not a date, Deeks. Don't kid youself."

But it might just be exactly what I need right now. Not all men let you down, you see. The occasional one manages to be there when you need him, to be there even when you don't even know that you need him. I don't know where Deeks learned to be so sweet and I'm pretty sure I don't deserve to have a partner who cares enough to look out for me even when we're off duty, but I am so glad that I've got him in my life that I might even let him win the first frame. And then I'm going to whip the pants off him. Which is possibly the best image ever and one that has me grinning from ear to ear. Deeks bowling in his boxers? Priceless. So I'm not his type? Too bad. It's his loss.

"It's alright, Fern. I know you love me, deep down inside."

"Shut up and drive, Deeks."

"Have I ever told you how much I love it when you're bossy?"

Have I ever told him how much I love the way he looks out for me? Or how much I love working with him? Of course not. And I never will. That's not the way we work, you see. And that's the tragedy. Because I think that under other circumstances Deeks might be the one that makes me stop being afraid and lets me start to love again.

"Come on, we both know I'm not your type, Deeks. You said so."

"I could be persuaded to change my mind."

"In your dreams."

"Is that you giving me permission to dream about you?"

"What do you reckon?"

"I reckon we're going bowling, Fern."

And I reckon he's right. "So why are we sitting here?"

I could swear Deeks blushes, but it is dark, so it's hard to be sure. "Close your eyes."

"Why?" My voice is laced with suspicion and not a small amount of dread.

"So it's a surprise."

"You're not going to kiss me, are you?" Why the hell did I say that? Of course he's not going to kiss me. Am I completely mad?

"Would it be so bad if I did? No, don't answer that." Deeks reaches across into the back seat and hands me a bunch of flowers: daisies, with their sweet innocent little faces like small pieces of sunshine. "I just thought today was kind of hard on you, and maybe I didn't help much."

Sometimes the most unlikely of men can do just exactly the right thing and by doing so manage to take your breath away.

"Thank you, Deeks." He's definitely blushing now and he looks so cute. I can see the kid he must have been, once upon time. And then I lean across and kiss him on the cheek.

Maybe I can learn to trust again. And once I've mastered that, who knows what might happen? But tonight I just need him to be my partner, who looks out for me and drives me mad and gives me bunches of daisies.

"Now let's go bowling so I can whip your ass."

"Is that a promise?"

Definitely. And one day I might just get to do that for real. And in the meantime, I have my dreams too.

And here endeth the epilogue!
or WHN - which stands for "What Happened Next".