I am amused by reviewer(s) who, while they claim to be familiar with this website , don't know that reviewer and author aren't supposed to converse within the chapters posted. I am also amused by those who claim to like my story but end up leaving reviews that get steadily more insulting and result in expletives, irrational suppositions, and general malice. I, unlike aforementioned reviewer(s), did leave my email address in my profile, as it's only an email address and can be changed should it become compromised, as well as invited others to chat w/ me via yahoo, while I myself find chatting rather invasive I must say. Perhaps I should post my phone number? Then I will at least be able to laugh loudly into closed ears, or perhaps hear the supposed compliment inside the derogatory insults.

Fitful (yes. this is a pen name. gasp. i must be the first to think of it.)

PS: to my "non"anonymous reviewer. on my knees I simply beg you to leave your contact information so we may continue this privately and not parade our misunderstandings for all readers to see.

Also if someone doesn't mind could you tell me how to reply inside the reviewer area? Apparently that is a feature I'm not familiar with.

You really don't want to read this Chapter. I was complemented on my humorous story not being ridiculous, but this chapter does manage to go there, and then disappear over the other side. You have been warned. DON't read this chapter.

warning: here half the chapter is taken over by an oc

then the rest degenerates into silliness.

Chapter Twenty One

Harry Potter's arrival at the ministry was met with tears and pleading.

The tears came from many wizards and witches glad to see him alive and the pleading came from Harry who had to beg their leave to, well, leave. But soon enough Harry was free and he managed to disappear into the lift and escape the mobbing of the crowd.

Quickly he made his way to the Auror's Department. It was time he had a talk with the Head.

Valeray Mathias Chickering was a retired Auror who drug himself out of retirement when he heard Harry Potter was going to apply for Auror training. He had three Masters; one in Runes, one in Defense Against the Dark Arts, and one in Dark Arts. He'd been wounded in the war with Voldemort the first time around and had retired to the English countryside to enjoy his healing in peace. When Harry joined the Ministry he'd hauled himself out of retirement by the skin of his teeth and bullied Kingsley Shacklebolt into letting him teach Harry everything he knew.

He was old muggleborn Auror, widely decorated numerous times for valor, bravery, and strategy. Apparently his parents, muggles the both of them, were well known for the same in their line of work which rumor of what they do couldn't be agreed on as what could muggles do against crime anyway? He'd grown up knowing both worlds and well practiced in both muggle and wizarding techniques. The war had honed that knowledge into skill and he had been one of the best defenses the Ministry had against the new rising dark lord Voldemort.

He'd refused Dumbledore's invitation to join the order because he said he was a dark wizard who, while he had sympathies with the light side, didn't want to risk his reputation by consorting with Phoenixes. He'd refused Voldemort on principle, then because Voldemort ordered an attack on his parents out of childish spite. The Ministry had been all the better for his loyalty until the day his injury forced him out of the game.

Due to the nature of his injury, which no one ever really knew because it was the result of a dark curse the Ministry disallowed knowledge of as it feared the spell might fall into the hands of death eaters, he was refused time and again to come out of retirement once Voldemort sprang back up the second time around. He'd cursed Fudge up one way and down the other but Fudge hadn't allowed him back, even going so far as to ban him from all Ministry own buildings by way of a spell.

There had been rumor Lucius Malfoy had a hand in it but that could have just been speculation based on the fact that they hadn't been friendly in school. Chickering had been a close friend of the Weasleys and also a Gryffindor.

Harry had learned a lot from the man, enough that when his training was over he'd used his considerable influence with the Ministry and got him made the Head of the Auror division. The past year had been one of the best for the Ministry. Under his very strict thumb the Auror were put through their paces and dark activity was at an all time low. Needless to say the Minister was pleased and showed no signed of letting him fade back into the woodwork.

Which was why Harry felt it safe to quit.

Mathias was smoking when Harry walked into his office and choked on the pipe leading him to suck in a deep breath and then choke on the smoke. A noxious green ash filled the room hurting Harry's overly sensitive elf nose. He ignored it but wondered at the smell. There was Lakeweed, Valerian root, Wolfpetals, and a few other medicinal smells he usually associated with hospitals. It seemed Mathias smoke for a reason and it wasn't just a bad habit.

"Potter!" Mathias roared in disapproval. "What did tell you about surprises!"

Harry snorted. "They're weapons against enemies, gifts for friends, and good advice for allies, acquaintances, and idiots alike." He quoted bouncing on his toes not wanting to sit down.

Violet eyes flashed in approval and Mathias grunted. "Very good, lad. So it is you." He set the pipe in drawer of his desk before leaning heavily against it and stared up at Harry. "If you knew that how is it you've been missing for the past two weeks?"

Harry didn't need the spells to tell him to keep quiet. He didn't really relish the amusement Mathias would get from the story anyway.

"That information is classified." Harry gave in and sat on the edge of the visitor's chair but his fingers fidgeted with his impatience. He just couldn't get it out of his head that Snape needed him and he was wasting time. But he didn't rush it. Mathias deserved more than a resignation sent by paper airplane.

"Codswallop." Mathias looked irritated. "We both know you're not one to play by the rules."

Harry sighed. "This time I am."

Mathias suddenly looked attentive at his serious tone. "Tell me." He ordered. The order was a demand for further explation.

"I have lost faith with the Ministry." Harry began studying a sneakoscope on Mathias' desk in order to avoid the piercing gaze. "I have recently become more aware of the plight of magical creatures-"

"You haven't been brainwashed have you?" Mathias interrupted suspiciously. "I know a good person for detoxing if you were."

Harry laughed humorlessly. "No. It's honestly not that." Harry studied Mathias for a long moment before deciding to just trust the man instead of second guess. "I have become personally involved in this." He said softly and watched as something clicked behind the old Auror's eyes.

"Ah." Mathias grunted. "That is usually how they get you."

Harry smiled faintly. "Yes, I suppose it is." He looked away for a long moment. "I'm here to give you my resignation."

A surprised hiss escaped the old man causing Harry to think he might not actually be the last Parselmouth. After all that sounded awfully like a curse in snakespeak. Sighing he pulled out the proper papers, unshrinking them as he did so. His made sure to watch Mathias' eyes when he did and was pleased to see him nod in vague understanding after witnessing the wandless magic. Harry handed them over and Mathias reluctantly accepted them.

Violet eyes met Harry's and a bushy eyebrow lifted challengingly. "I could see to it these papers get lost." He shrugged and motioned to the paperwork littering his desk. "After all, an old man can only keep up with so much."

Harry barked a laugh. "An old man like you could take over the world and keep it up quite nicely, so don't give me that shit, Mathias."

Mathias grunted but a smile lit his eyes. "What're you going to do with yourself, lad?" He scowled at Harry suddenly. "You can't just sit pretty and live off all that money your parents left you."

Harry laughed and shook his head. What was he going to do? Oh, he had ideas, but those included a few adjustments. Oh! He knew what; he'd send Harry Potter to America. After all Snape had hated it there, which in Snapespeak meant Harry might actually enjoy himself. But Mathias deserved the truth. He'd given Harry too much not to let him know what was going on.

"You ever heard of The Devil's Crown?" Harry said suddenly and nodded knowingly when the Head Auror's face went blank. "I'm thinking about finding a way into the trade, see if I can profit there. And," His mouth thinned. "make sure that it doesn't spill over into our world more than it already has."

"Without Ministry interference, Potter?" There was a flash of a proud grin. "You never did like pandering to the old lady did you?"

Harry grinned but didn't answer. It was time to go, said his elf clock. Snape's been suffering interrogation for nearly a day now-

Which reminded him.

"So now as I'm not missing, you can let Malfoy go." Harry said seemingly off-handly. "The only thing that prat is guilty of is stealing my wife."

Mathias snorted. "Stealing is still a crime as far as I'm concerned, lad! And there was the problem with the name change, took hours to get the paperwork straight. Could take a bit longer to process his release . . ." Harry rolled his eyes and he amended. "But in this case he gets off on a technicality, wife stealing isn't illegal yet, and the fact that Harry Potter personally vouched for him."

Harry chuckled. "And there is the matter of the other arrest concerning my disappearance." He trailed off when Mathias' eyes snapped to him and he scowled in sudden realization. Harry was quick to finish. "After all if Harry Potter isn't missing, and never even met this Rose character, then it stands to reason he's innocent." He blinked hoping Mathias would just drop it. "There'd be no reason to hold him."

Mathias studied him for a very long moment. "Ah. Well yes, there is that. Only there is reasonable suspicions regarding the fact that Salem Lillith Rose might be an assumed identity," Lillith, Snape? Really? ", for one Severus Tobias Snape who is recorded as deceased."

Harry blinked in dismay. "But there was a body. I saw it myself."

Mathias wove his fingers together and eyed Harry with piercing eyes. "Yes, so we've found as well." Harry didn't let out his breath of relief. "Perhaps the suspicions are unfounded."

Mathias suddenly let out a bark of laughter. "I met Lily once, did I tell you? No, of course not. She was a redhead, and acted like one. Quite the little hellion." He chuckled. "I was fighting death eaters and she comes up out of the blue, quiet as a cat, and started to protect my flank. Such a nice girl. We got quite a few of them, til a dark spell sped our way, headed right for the little lady."

Harry was utterly shocked by this news. His mum had been there with Chickering?

"I didn't even hesitate, dove in front of it like the Gryffindor I am." He barked a laugh again. "We weren't found for a long while, and she refused to leave to get help. Said help was on the way and just sat there with me. We were behind a rosebush, just waiting, and she picked one for me. Said roses were her favorite, not lilies as everyone would assume upon learning her name, and everyone deserved to get flowers when they're sick."

Piss and sod, Snape. Did you have to be so bloody obvious? What, did you pick the name Salem because you lived there while in America too?

"I'll just see that the file on Black's accusations gets lost then shall I? It was obviously some remark meant to get us off the scent. As for Rose, he wasn't arrested. In fact he came along quietly enough, cooperated, and hasn't confessed to anything beyond the fact he bought a Unicorn lung recently." Mathias grinned and picked up a file seemingly random. "I told Worthe and Ada to handle everything personally, didn't want anyone to panic." He cast incendio and the file went up in smoke.

Harry sighed in utter relief, not caring that Mathias caught it. Snape would be safe. That was all he'd wanted.

Mathias cleared his throat and cast a spell that cleared away the smoke. "After all, imagine what the public outcry would be if they discovered Dumbledore's murderer is still alive, pardoned though he was." Mathias looked Harry straight in the eye. "There'd be bedlam."

Indeed.

"Thanks, Mathias." Harry couldn't help but be grateful to the man. Even if he hadn't helped Harry would have been but his elf heart was nearly dancing with gratitude. The old Auror had helped save Snape, and that made him a king in Harry's rose tinted eyes. Harry had to snort inwardly at the unintentional pun.

Mathias grunted and then looked down to his overflowing desk. "Get out, Potter." He growled. "I'm a busy man and you don't work here anymore!"

Harry grinned, got up, and left with just a whistle of a cheery tune to cushion the sound he door made when it closed.

Harry buzzed the intercom into interrogation room number 5, and laughed when he heard Snape's icy voice tearing Auror Ada a new one. The magic intercom link had been a new idea begun by one Percy Weatherby, if office gossip was anything to go by. It had been a smashing success and was now employed throughout the Auror's Department although the other departments of the Ministry had yet to catch on to the fact that it was even there.

Even the Department of Mysteries was stumped by how efficiently the Auror's Department worked and had done a one week study over the summer on the inner working relations of it's members. Unofficially there had been a ban on the use of magical intercoms over the course of that week.

There was a scrambling and then Worthe's voice came over the com, unruffled compared to Ada's which was shouting obscenities in the background. "Yes?"

Harry grinned like a kneazle who caught the snitch. "This room 54? I've an order of release for Gilderoy Lockhart."

Utter silence. Then.

"What the f-" Ada was interrupted by his partner.

"You've got the wrong room, sir. Who are you by the by?" Worthe didn't allow a hint of suspicion to cloud his voice. Harry was reluctantly impressed again.

"Oh, sorry. I'm new to Hogwarts and can't quite remember protocol all the time. I'm Harry Potter, Slytherin."

There was a scrambling and the com cut off. Then both Aurors fairly boiled out of the room, falling over each other to get out the door.

"Potter?" Ada squeaked when he saw Harry. Immediately his eyes went for Harry's scar.

Worthe, was more suspicious and had his wand trained on Harry from the moment he stepped out. "Harry Potter?"

Harry blinked at them, smiling politely. "Yes? I think that's me, after all everyone's said so. I'm not quite sure as I was positive, until an hour ago, that I was Wagga Wagga Werewolf. But then I overheard someone say werewolves weren't allowed in the School unless they'd brought their own Whomping Willow so I decided I must be someone else." Harry snickered in his head but kept his face pleasantly puzzled.

Ada frowned and stepped back once, as if trying to escape the madness. "What's wrong with him?"

"Don't know." Worth whispered. "He could be someone one polyjuiced though. Who knows where Potter's been." He looked at Harry even more suspiciously. "He did say he was a Slytherin."

Harry grinned. "I know." He agreed conspiratorially. "I kept telling the hat, not Hufflepuff, not Hufflepuff, and wouldn't you know! It puts me in Slytherin. Of course it was quite awful for a while there. This dark lord Riddle wanted to shag me and wouldn't take no for an answer. I had to get Dumbledore and make him my bloody pet Grim before he'd leave off. And then there was the whole dying thing, when the dementors Kissed me and sucked out my magic. It was quite the terrible week."

"He completely barkin," Ada gasped. "What happened to him do you think?"

Worth didn't seem like he was going to answer, just looked uncertainly at Harry's wand, so Harry answered for him.

"I was turned into a house elf and sold to a vampire who also wants to shag me." Harry grinned very widely when there wasn't any pain from the spell. That was new. It must know he was joking.

Worthe sighed. "We better get him to St. Mungos. Can't say what happened til a healer gets a look at him."

"Will I get to meet Gilderoy Lockhart?" Harry wondered aloud. "I have his order of fags that I must have misplace a hundred years ago. Getting old you know, my hair is nearly all black now. Can't quite remember when I'm supposed to be."

Worthe sighed again. "Chickering's not going to like this."

"And it means, Rose's cleared, and Mal-Black." Ada seemed to wilt with disappointment. "They've both been here all day."

Worthe frowned. "Doesn't mean anything. They could have turned him loose before we brought them in."

"Yes!" Harry agreed. "I was in Hell recently. It's very cold there. Drakey should buy some fireplaces."

Ada snorted and Worthe sighed again. Harry grinned and stepped closer, noticing they tensed up, and the grip on their wands tightened. Drat. Still not yet.

"You look like Harpy Plotter. Did you know?" He said this to Worthe with complete innocence and Worthe finally smiled. Aha. Elf cuteness wins again!

"Actually, I've never been pointed out the resemblance." Worthe said and his hand inched towards Harry's wand. "Could you elucidate?"

Harry grinned. "You've got green hair. And your eyes are like moon, they have the smell of Moony's puppy in them."

Ada snorted on a laugh. "Shall I fetch the Minister? I'm sure he'd love to perform Harry Potter's wedding."

"Yes, get Flamel. I need to speak with him about his atrocious manners. Imagine keeping three headed basilisks in the the school. Detentions were awful. We had to get eaten by them and then stuck in their intestines in order to clean them." Harry turned a little green at the thought. "I'd prefer Voldemort's any day. At least there were death day parties, and bloodletting." Harry grinned at Ada, watching Worthe out of he corner of his eye. "Bloodletting's fun you know. Gets your magic to dribble out into the earth, and then you get to kiss Charming Cho Chang, the princess of the Seekers."

Suddenly Harry cast a silent disarming charm and both Auror's wands were torn out of their hands and into Harry's. He immediately backed up and looked at them very sternly. "Don't kiss her though, she's like a poisonous frog, wet and makes you funny in the head. And she speaks Parseltongue but the only word she knows is Ceddy."

Both Ada and Worthe were frozen, uncertain what to do. Harry had their wands, but he was acting weird and he was Harry Potter after all. They couldn't just attack him. Harry rolled his eyes and cast Legilimens before they could do anything. A quick trip, amazingly through both their minds simultaneously (must be a house elf trick), revealed they had kept the whole Severus Snape might be alive issue, between them and Chickering.

Pulling out Harry grinned harmlessly and lowered his wand slightly. "So sorry about that. I had to check for nargles."

Worthe nodded slowly and Ada just frowned. "Potter," Worthe began. "Could you give me the wands now? I must use them to check for nargles too." He smiled as if hit by sudden inspiration. "After all you could be infected and you wouldn't even know."

Harry blinked at him slowly. He was beginning to like Worthe a lot. It really was a shame he was quitting. "Okay." Harry said agreeably. "I must find Mum anyway, she said she'd be in the Department of Mysteries, chatting with Sirius." He added in a stage whisper. "Paddy's leaving for America today, by veil. Can't tell Rita though, she might want to come along, and he doesn't like her anymore since she married Hagrid and moved to Egypt with Peter Pettigrew. Turns out they're all veela and bonded for life or something." Harry shook his head sadly. "Don't you hate being Animagi?"

Then Harry moved, shot off a few petrifying spells that manged to catch both Aurors in solid statue. Then he cast obliviate.

Quickly he wiped all three wands of their history, cast thirty cheering charms on Ada to be safe, ten with each wand, and placed them back in their owner pockets, his included. Then wandlessly he canceled the petrificus.

Immediately they both blinked and looked around in bewilderment.

"What happened?" Worth asked looking suspicious.

Harry rubbed his head. "I don't know, what happened?"

"We've been obliviated!" Ada said cheerfully. "Isn't it wonderful?"

Worthe blinked, "Auror Potter!"He exclaimed.

Ada shrieked and giggled. "Harry Potter's alive!" He looked at Worthe. "You owe me, ten galleons!" He said cheerfully.

Worthe looked at Ada, confused and slightly pained by his noise level. "Someone has obliviated us, must be whoever took you Potter."

Harry frowned deeply. "I was taken? When? The last I recall I was in the Department of Mysteries."

Ada started humming. "Chickering will be very mad!" He said happily.

Worthe frowned. "We should report in, then go to St. Mungos."

Harry shook his head. "I've something to do, classified, you know. I'll be along in a minute."

Worthe looked worried but mostly just confused. Then he grabbed Ada by the arm and dragged him away. Harry smirked and reached for the magical intercom. He buzzed room 5. "Mr. Rose, as no charges have been filed against you and you've sufficiently answered our questions you my consider yourself released, feel free to leave at any time." Harry let the com go silent before he popped away to catch up with Worthe and Ada.

It was much better to be out of range of Snape when he realized who had buzzed in. Really, it wasn't like he wasn't acting like a Gryffindor. It was just, he knew it was better to save up his bravery for later when he'd have to confess everything.

Err, yeah. I know. I promise I wasn't high when I wrote this. It's just, I built up to the the climax of the story, climbed in that direction so cleverly, something was bound to go wrong. Which it did. When I got to the chapter where Harry saves Snape I only had a few paragraphs thought up. It was really much to short to be a good climax. I'd like to think I'm a better lay than that.

Anywho. This chapter sorta wrote itself. Sorry. I hope it made you laugh. It did me. I still laugh when I read it. I think I laugh so I won't cry at how terrible it is.

Fitful