I need a Teacher

By TheOneAndOnlySlayer

Chapter 21 complete

Ben feels his stomach drop. How can she…

Automatically he thinks of that shameful first encounter of this half-starved little chit, kicking him into the ground like a schoolyard whelp. In the half-dozen following encounters, she had managed to score dozens more ego-bursting moves on his sorry ass: Force-pushing him into a wall like he was a toy on a string, evading him by jumping off a cliff and onto the back of a passing giant bird, and even slapping him in the face when they had driven both their lightsabers out of reach.

He hated her. He regretted his search for Luke Skywalker because of how his path jumpstarted hers into self-discovery of the Force. That hatred had reluctantly bent toward respect, then mellowed into admiration for her growing skill.

Throughout this evolution, Kylo and Ben's feelings for Rey had always been stung with jealousy. It erupted now for her ignorance of the gifts she possessed.

"You are a coward."

Rey's eyes flash. "I know when to admit I won't win. I don't plan to damn my soul, Ben! I'm not going to fall into a trap when I know it's there waiting for me!"

"You will not bend to him," he tells her. "You are stronger than me, stronger than anyone I've ever known! The way you handle fear should speak for itself. Fear has threatened to break Jedi for years. It's how the Sith are made. You have been shaped by it – "

"Fear of death or drowning is nothing compared to this," Rey answers, agitated. "This is so much worse. You're asking me to get inside his head. His head, his gigantic head is a warzone, Ben, it's, it's a torture chamber and a bomb all rolled into one! I'd either burn or become Dark the second I touch it!"

Rey's voice is unsteady and she has to calm herself. "Kriff. Fuck it. This was – " The stupidest idea, she wants to say, but it would discredit everything Ben's done for them, and her. "I'm not strong enough to do this. I'll fail. We should have just planned for an airstrike to blow the shit out of him."

"You know that he will survive anything less than an attack from a Jedi Knight," Ben corrects her sharply.

"A half-arsed trained Jedi Apprentice, you mean? Who can't even bury her emotions! You weren't there when he – when he – "

Rey feels another sob sting its way up her throat. She stubbornly faces the water.

This was her idea. She was the one who walked into his cell and proposed this idea to defeat Snoke, the monster with all the puppet strings. He was the one who could not believe it, who was sunken in doubt and disbelief. How unexpected the roles have been reversed, and so drastically.

She can't shake off the way he – Snoke – had mentally attacked her with such speed, forcing his way through her soul and tearing apart at her intricate memories, her fears, the things that made her blood freeze. Ben is skilled and clever, but he isn't merciless enough to prepare her against a creature like Snoke. Rey is sure the old Sith master will tear her in two again.

"He killed Luke. He killed your uncle, Ben."

Ben's gaze is steady, as if it was his fault. "I know."

"No, you don't," she affirms piteously. "You didn't see him. The way Snoke took him…it was like gutting out a fish. Just, it was over so quick, but the – the look on his face. The look in his eyes!" She's trying to make Ben understand, but her voice croaks. "He was so scared, he was soo scared…"

Rey wants to tear herself, everything in two. She wants to stay here, on this little coast and let the universe burn itself far away from her. She wants…

She knows she's voiced her defeat before. It sounds utterly petulant and frail, but it's all she can think. "I don't think I can face him again."

Ben doesn't respond for a while. It's impossible to know what he's thinking. She won't try to sense him through the Force, either. She's afraid of how her failure reads in his head.

She can tell, though, that she's lost something great here. She feels so heavy and just wants to drift into the tide, and disappear.

Never has the Force felt like such a curse instead of a gift.

Unfortunately Ben senses this thought and decides to comment on it. "You believe the Force is a curse."

Rey swallows. "I didn't mean for you to hear that thought."

"After everything it's given you." There's an ever-so-slight tick of outrage, of petulance.

"I don't - ! I don't mean it like that. But how could the Force have chosen someone like me? Why wasn't Luke strong enough?"

"Because he's been buried in his defeat," reminded Ben icily. "I did that to him."

"I know you did," Rey responds through clenched teeth.

"And you have defeated four of the Knights of Ren. You killed four of my former comrades, two in one single fight. In your first hour of your calling you bested me, upended me like I had just emerged into the Force, not you! No," he spat, shaking his head in determination. "You don't defeat a warrior who has trained since childhood."

Rey remembered the surging confidence that day, strumming through her like she was a musical instrument. She had felt so infinite. How has she fallen so far into this misery, this fear? She's caved.

"All I want is to go home," she admitted tiredly. "Luke should be here, not me. I should have died."

They were at an impasse. They both stared out at the moon over the water, distracted by the lonely horizon before them. Out there, the First Order swelled with renewed power.

It was a long time before either of them spoke. Ben's voice was surprisingly gentle when he began:

"I said the exact same thing years ago. That I thought the Force, being a Skywalker, was a curse. Fifteen years ago I saw my destiny, and I…I trembled. I prayed that I was mistaken, but I couldn't ignore what I was meant to do."

Rey glares at him strangely. "To become a vessel of the Dark Side?"

"Yes. But before that I was no different than yourself: full of some great gift that I had no understanding of, that people told me of its worth. And even then, there were people who were scared of it. My father was scared of me, and I was only seven. And then we were all lectured into believing in something far greater than ourselves; all of us, picked up and collected by my uncle, learning about the Force, and how to pick up a sword and defend ourselves, but we lacked the bigger picture. We lacked knowing that this fountain that flows through us, that this is what people have died for, and killed to protect."

Ben turns to Rey, who's been watching his noble profile carefully. "I have left two masters now. My loyalty is compromised….I do not deserve your empathy, yet you still accept…you have not forsaken me yet."

Rey tries to ignore whatever deeper meaning Ben's trying to convey. "But…your mother is – "

"My mother's love is…inherent and unconditional. Your…your company is different." Ben Solo licks his lips and shakes his head, trying to make her understand. "I may have been the servant of our enemy, but I have never felt my entire being feel joy in belonging to one thing. Not until the day I found you. I have gone mad trying to understand why I have kept being drawn into the Light. I thought it was a weakness…that you were my weakness. Only now I understand."

Rey almost takes a step back when he moves a little closer. His eyes are deep as black holes, expression so honest and pure it unnerves her more than when it was stripped down to rage months before.

"You are my strength. Don't you see? I have gone back into the Light because of it. And the only thing that I believe in now…is you."

Oh. The words whisper into her veins, forever inscribed. The only thing I believe in now is you.

This man was a monster when they first met. In less than a year, according to him, Rey's made him back into the man he should have been: an accomplished Jedi with a devoted heart.

Rey finds herself churning with excitement, yet still as death. She won't dare breathe. She imagines this is how it's like to float in space, experiencing a single infinite moment before possibly blacking out.

"I will not let you fall into the dark," he swears. There is an impulsive, desperate drive in his tone that arrests her. It is gone in another moment, back to the weighted calm. "Tomorrow we will try again," Ben suggests carefully. "You will not be alone in this. Do you understand?"

Rey finds herself forgetting her anxiety moments before. Right now she wants to sleep. She nods and together they turn back to the castle. They will try again another day.