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Rule #21: There is no such thing as a were-thylacine
I never understood why there are only werewolves. I mean, wolves aren't the only creatures around. They aren't the largest, or the most vicious, or the prettiest, or the ugliest, or…you get my point. Wolves are just large, strange-looking dogs. So why do werewolves exist and not were-tigers or were-pandas or were-penguins or were-dinosaurs or were-thylacines?
I think it would be an amazing world if were-thylacines existed. Have you ever seen a thylacine? Those animals had style, I tell you. There's no other way to describe them.
I still believe that technically these creatures could exist. After all, everyone calls them Tasmanian wolves. Tasmanian wolves, werewolves…you see my point?
Yes, I know they aren't actually wolves but that's another thing I've never understood. Why would you call a thylacine a wolf if they weren't a wolf? It's like the red pandas. New flash—they aren't actually pandas! They're related to skunks and raccoons and weasels.
In case you're wondering, I used to want to study zoology or animal husbandry. For the record, I was young and thought that it would be the coolest thing in the world to marry animals. Of course, that was before I learned about ghosts and poltergeists. Then I wanted to become a poltergeist. I would have made a good poltergeist. The thought horrified my mother. Still not sure why…
So, yeah…If I remember correctly, this incident took place during my second year, when Professor Lupin was the teacher. It was during his time of the month, so Professor Snape was teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts that day. I'm pretty sure that it was his time of the month, too. Then again, it always seems like it's his time of the month. Especially when he's been teaching the Gryffindors...
Yeah, it's not pretty.
"Turn to page three hundred and ninety-four," Professor Snape said coolly as he glided into the classroom. Us Slytherins did as we were told, naturally. The Gryffindors had to argue and ask questions, though, setting everything back. Stupid Gryffindors. They should know that wasting time only makes things worse. Even I learned that lesson after the first week…err, month…err, whenever my thirty-fourth detention was. I can't exactly remember the exact date. There wasn't a grand reason for that detention. Professor McGonagall just didn't appreciate it when I burst into her classroom screaming, "This is Sparta!" at the top of my lungs.
I immediately knew I was going to like this particular class when I realized what we were studying. After all, how can you not like learning about werewolves? They're so fluffy but at the same time, they're so adorable.
Of course, everyone says that I should keep my opinions to myself. They started saying that after I said I also thought Hagrid's Blast-Ended Skrewts were adorable. I'm still mad that my dad refused to let me adopt one…
Anyways, like an obedient Slytherin, I opened my book to page three hundred and ninety-four and started grinning like crazy when I found out we were going to be learning about werewolves, despite it not even being in our curriculum. I just love classes like that! The students sitting around me shivered in horror. They knew that nothing could ever come from me grinning that crazily.
Mid-way through the lecture, I raised my hand. Professor Snape tried to ignore me but it's nearly impossible to do that once I start bouncing in my seat. You see, teachers can ignore a student quietly bouncing in their seat but I put a whoopee cushion under my seat. Therefore, when I bounce, I make a lot of noise. It actually works out pretty well for me. After a few minutes, the teachers get disgusted by the sound of fake flatulence and finally decide to call on me, for the sanity of everyone in the classroom.
"What?" Professor Snape demanded.
"We haven't talked about the different species of werewolves," I pointed out. Professor Snape sighed and muttered something about idiotic students. Normally I would have been offended but I really wanted my question answered.
"There aren't different species of werewolves," he said. "Now—"
My hand waving in the air and my butt bouncing in my seat cut him off.
"Of course there are," I said, once he glared in my direction. "There's different species of wolves, after all. It only makes sense that there are different species of werewolves."
"There aren't different species of werewolves," Professor Snape repeated firmly. "Now—"
"Then how do you explain why werewolves look so different?" I asked. "And why Muggles have so many different myths about them? There has to be different species of werewolves."
"There isn't. Stop interrupting," Professor Snape growled.
"Yes, there are. I can mention a few different species."
"If you're talking about that nonsense published in the Quibbler…"
"What's the Quibbler?"
Professor Snape sighed and tried moving on. Of course, I didn't want to let it go. Bad idea…I should have learned by now that when someone gets into an argument with Severus Snape, that they will always lose.
Always.
"So, what are the different species of werewolves?"
"There are no species of werewolves."
"Sure there are."
"No, there isn't."
"Then how do you explain were-thylacines?"
Professor Snape stared at me as if he couldn't believe this conversation was actually happening. The other students in the class were doing their best not to laugh and get on the wrong side of Professor Snape.
"First of all, the name Tasmanian Wolf for a thylacine is only a colloquial name. Second, thylacines are marsupials, which means that they aren't related to wolves in any way. Third, were-thylacines don't exist."
"Of course they do! They're not fictional animals like flobberworms or mermaids!"
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see a couple students crack up while others hit their heads against their desks. Professor Snape took a deep breath.
"Were-thylacines don't exist."
"I'll prove it!" I announced. "I'll go to Australia and prove it! I'll become a were-thylacine!"
Professor Snape stared at me in disbelief.
"Good luck with that," he replied dryly. "Seeing as it's impossible for you to become one as they don't exist."
"Then I'll become the first one!"
"Thylacines are extinct," Snape pointed out. "You can't."
I huffed angrily and stood up.
"Stop ruining my life! I want to become a were-thylacine!"
I prepared to leave the room but Professor Snape stopped me.
"If you leave this room with plans to go to Australia and dig up a grave of a thylacine to do something ridiculous with Muggle science in hopes of becoming a non-existent creature, you'll have detention for the next month."
How did he know me so well?
Of course, that wasn't going to stop me. I stormed out of the room.
Six days later, when I was hauled back to Hogwarts from Australia after a brief stint in jail for grave robbing, there was a note on my pillow.
Detention. ~S. Snape
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