"You're an idiot."

I stare at Kyla, sitting on the couch next to me.

"She was acting like she didn't want to get back together with me." I lament

"Maybe she doesn't." Kyla says easily.

I grind my teeth. "Not helping."

"Doesn't sound like you're helping much, either." She sounds flippant. She clearly does not understand the enormity of the situation.

"It's like, she just forgot about me. Like I'm not with her all the time, giving her all I've freakin' got, and she can't bother to pretend I've got a chance."

Kyla sighs. "Do you think you've got a chance?"

"I didn't think it was a question of chances!" I explode.

"Oh. So she's just supposed to take you back, 'cause you're Ashley, and you're just that great?"

"It's complicated." Apparently, Kyla doesn't get it. I put a pillow over my face.

"So, uncomplicate it."

"You don't get it. With me and Spencer, there are, like, uspoken things." I remove the pillow. "Things we don't need to say."

"And?" Kyla grabs the pillow, propping her head up with it.

"And this time, the unspoken thing was 'We're definitely getting back together. I just need time.'"

Kyla gives me a puzzled look. "Call me crazy, but isn't that exactly what Spencer said? Like, outloud? Today?"

"No. What she said was, "We might not be getting back together. I need time to decide.' Two very different things."

She considers this. "I think you're going crazy."

"I think I went crazy a long time ago." I squeeze my hands against my face. "I've never felt actual stress in my life. It feels awful."

Kyla laughs glumly. "Just tell Spencer you're sorry."

"I don't want to."

"Why?"

"I want her to tell me she's sorry. And I know how incredibly selfish that sounds, because she has so much going on..."

"Well, atleast you know you sound selfish." She says dryly. I groan.

"I'm an awful person." I say. "She doesn't love me anymore."

"You're throwing yourself a pity party." Kyla chirps. "Just because she's going through a lot right now, doesn't mean she doesn't love you."

"I know! I know everything you're saying is right, but..." I let out a long breath. "Atleast tell me I make sense. Can you just tell me that."

"You make sense, sis." She pats my leg. I appreciate it. "And I think Spencer's just giving you a taste of your own medicine."

I sit up. "What do you mean?"

She just looks at me wryly. "Just talk to her, Ashley. You know you don't want to be fighting with her."

Truer words were never spoken. Which is why I find myself on the Carlin's front porch swing, minutes later, waiting for Spencer and Paula to arrive. I'm torn between feeling righteous, hurt, and incredibly stupid.

It's a strange combination. It got me to thinking. What if Spencer and I were never meant to be? We were friends first, anyways. Great friends. What if that's all we were supposed to become? The best of friends. On one hand, I could never say no to her. Despite my pathetic display of insecurity today, I'd be there for Spencer in any way she allowed me to.

On the other hand, I feel like vomiting when I think about any alternative scenario that doesn't involve my lips on hers. Her lips on someone else's? I'd kill them.

I see the van pull up into the driveway. I stand on instinct, rushing out to the car.

Paula hops out, giving me a look. "Ashley. How long have you been there?"

"Not long." I say. I point to the passenger side. "I just wanna talk to Spencer."

Paula nods, "Of course. Why don't you walk her around a bit?" I force a smile, appreciatively. Building bridges. Soon, she's in the house.

I open Spencer's door for her.

"You came back." She doesn't sound impressed.

"Of course I did, dummy." I offer her my hand as she gets out of the car, and then lace them both firmly together.

She gives me a quizzical look.

"Wanna take a walk?" I ask. She just nods. "A short one, I know you get tired..."

We amble slowly down the sidewalk, swinging our clasped hands between us gently. This is the place we go back to, each time. We can fight, we can yell, but somehow, we always can find each other again and manage a smile.

"I'm sorry I suck." I finally say.

Spencer gives a short laugh. "Are you really, now?"

"C'mon, Spence. I mean it. I'm just kinda frazzled lately." I tell her softly.

She nods, understanding. "I know. Trust me."

"Yeah. And I'm sorry for freaking out like that. It's just..I don't know. It's hard. To think that maybe..."

"Maybe you're not what I want?" Spencer finishes.

"Maybe."

"Like, maybe I thought the decision between you and...something else was far too hard to make? And that surprised and hurt you?"

It's like she's taking the words out of my mouth. "Yeah." I say, my voice small.

"Like...prom night?" Her voice is smaller, and her hand clenches mine. Kyla's words ring in my ears: A taste of my own medicine.

I look at Spencer. "Sorry." I say, probably only just now fully understanding what I put her through.

Her gaze is penetrating, and I stare right back. "Yeah."

I feel the need to speak. "Listen - I don't want you to think it's all or nothing with me, you know?" I say. "Any choice you make, I don't even care. I'm with you one hundred percent because I..I trust you. And I love you."

Spencer's smile flickers on. "Look at you, saying all the right things."

We walk on for a while, in silence, then Spencer speaks up. "It's not a decision, you know."

"Hm?"

"Between having you and not having you? Being as close to you as I can be, or just having you as a friend?" She sandwiches my hand between both of hers, staring at it. "Not something I have to think about for a second."

"Not even a second?"

"Not even. I just..." She shrugs, sighing, peering out across the streets. Her neighborhood. "It's strange. I'm just beginning to feel whole again. Not even all the way - and when I give myself back to you, I want to be all put back together. So we can be perfect."

I understand. It'll take time. And we'll never be perfect, and we'll never be like before, but we can be better. And stronger.

I lean over and kiss Spencer on the cheek. "I love you, Spence."

She smiles. "I love you, too." Then she takes a deep breath. "We should take more walks. I really like this."

"Yep. Just me, you and the road, baby. Nothing better."

"It is kinda hot, though." Spencer points out, nudging me. "Next time, we should bring umbrellas."

"I believe the correct word is parasol, dear."

"Parasol?" Spencer makes an impressed face. "How fancy. I didn't know you - "

Before she can finish her sentence, there's a loud banging sound. I tense up immediately, feeling Spencer clutch my hand hard enough to hurt.

A car had backfired, just right next to us. Loud enough to scare me. I look at Spencer and all the color's drained from her face.

"It's just a car that backfired, Spence." I tell her reassuringly. Her grip on my hand doesn't let up, and her eyes dart around.

"Uh, uh..." She mumbles, lips pressed into a thin line.

"We're okay, Spencer." I try to soothe her. "You're okay."

She looks at me, and then I can feel her hand shaking. I reach out to stroke her hair. "You're afraid."

She nods. "Can we go home?" She squeaks, sounding terrified. My heart pangs.

"Yeah, yeah. Let's go."

We take hurried steps, and Spencer's breathing irregularly. "You okay?"

"I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm just...crap." She squeezes her fingers together, taking deep breaths. She's panicking.

"Spencer." My voice is firm, calm. "Look at me."

She does. I can see it in her eyes, all her fear.

"You're gonna be okay, 'kay?" I squeeze her hand, matching the tenacity with which she's gripping mine. "Because I wouldn't let anything happen to you."

"Right."

"And I'm right here."

"Yeah."

"Feel my hand?" She nods. "Feel me squeezing? Feel that?" I wrap my arm around her, caressing her gently. I can feel her shakes subsiding. "As long as you're okay, I'm okay."

She's watching me, slowly calming down.

"And I'm perfectly fine." I tell her. "So you must be..."

"I'm okay." She's nodding now, and her eyes are still flashing, but her grip is lessening.

I give her a concerned look. "Okay?"

"Okay." She smiles weakly. I let out a sigh of relief, not letting her notice. I hate whoever had that gun that night. I hate them for what they're doing to her. "I just..I get so freaked out sometimes, ya know?" She's trying to laugh at it, but it bothers her.

"Well..." I search for words. "Anytime you're afraid, you just reach over and grab this." I gesture to our hands.

"What if you're not there?"

"Speed dial." I kiss her hand.

I know I don't have to tell her she can't call anytime.