Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage

Interlude II

"Wedding Experiences: The Good, The Bad, And the Ugly."

Now, thankfully, Mello and I only had one wedding. Thank God. Well, actually he threatened me with complete and utter annihilation if I didn't get my act together on that day. So...you know me, not wanting to be completely and utterly annihilated, I did everything perfectly. Phew. And let me tell you, I have no idea how I managed to get through NINE hours of wedding and reception without going out the back door for a smoke. I honestly don't know...well, I didn't know until after the reception and Mello ripped this band-aid like thing off me and told me I had been on a patch for the last nine hours. And it HURT when he ripped it off. Good God, people would think wives were nice to their husbands, but that is not the case, let me tell you that right now.

However, other members of the Death Note cast have not had such good experiences, unfortunately.

Wedding Experience: L and Light

Duh. Of course. Anyone could have seen this coming, even if they were blind and turned the other way. Well, actually, L protested quite frantically to this wedding, but as Light had already proposed to him and L had said yes, there was really no going back. Because, of course, if L had said no, then Light might be suspicious of him and claim that he was only backing out of the wedding because HE (L) was Kira and didn't want to be fraternizing with the enemy, much less be married to the enemy. And, of course, L got all mad and frustrated that Light would even SUSPECT that he was Kira when he "was clearly not, as anyone with two eyes could see" and so the marriage commenced.

However, before the wedding even took place, L complained that his dress was too itchy, and ripped it off of himself, completely ruining his hair, and then walked out into the chapel wearing nothing but a white towel.

I mean, come on people! Let's have some decency!

Needless to say, the priest fainted and L's father (who had been intoxicated enough to agree to give his son away) screamed at Light that he was defiling and humiliating his son even more by making him go out in the chapel wearing nothing but a white towel, and how Light "forced his darling son into S&M and how this definitely proved that Light was a serial rapist wanting nothing more with their son than his pure, innocent body."

But somehow, they got married. I left before I could get fingers pointed at me. Knowing L's overprotective parents, they would probably take one look at me and scream that I was Light's accomplice and how the two of us should get jailed and burnt in the seventh level of hell.

Wedding Experience: Light and Misa

After the horrific wedding with L, Light decided that he would marry a girl for a change. You know, just to see if it would be a calmer wedding. Of course, L was not invited, because he probablywould have thrown not a few grains, but the ENTIRE BAG of rice at Misa and hope that it would give her a hemotoma and kill her. If you don't know what a hematoma is, it's like a very, very very serious concussion that could kill you.

Of course, it was NOT a calmer wedding, as the priest, upon seeing Light, fainted once more (because, see, it was the same priest. I actually attended this wedding because I was a...a groomsman, I think that's what they call them) and upon waking up, pointed at Light and screamed that he was a hedonistic Satanist Mormon who believed in polygamy and who probably wanted to have sex with his sister. Upon hearing this, Sayu took one look at Light and ran screaming out of the church.

And there were a WHOLE BUNCH of questions that Misa had for Light, which Light promptly avoided by saying, "Okay! Let's get on with this wedding, and afterwards, let's all get drunk!"

I believe I saw him secretly slip a tip to the priest and whisper something in his ear, something that probably went along the lines of, "Don't you dare tell her that I got married to L. Don't you DARE. Or I will find you, and kill you."

Now, little lesson: that's not a bribe, that's a THREAT.

Wedding Experience: Light and Takada

Fortunately, Light had the good sense of mind to ask for a different priest than the one that had married him to L and Misa. I was also forced to attend this wedding. And as they were about to kiss, Light looked at her lovingly, and then said, "Oh my dear, dear Takada. You have served me well."

Then he whipped out his Death Note, and scribbled her name in it. And BOOM! She dropped dead on the aisle, the priest fainted, and...weirdly enough, there was no L running out of some obscure place screaming, "AHA! I KNEW IT! YOU ARE KIRA!"

And then Light smiled evilly and said, "Right. The rest of you head on to the reception without me, I'm going to go get my cash. This is an unfortunate incident that I could not have predicted, and I must collect my life insurance so that Takada's life did not go to waste."

I am questioning the whereabouts of L. He's usually everywhere.

Wedding Experience: Light and Mikami

Poor, poor Light. As soon as Mikami saw Takada drop dead, he immediately ran up to the altar and screamed, "Oh, oh yes! This is perfect! Please, Kami, please let me be your bride and slave over your feet for all eternity! Let us create a perfect world together!"

At which point Light disgustedly pushed Mikami away and said, "Shall I have you punished for insubordination? I already have two spouses, I do NOT need a third one to cater to."

"Oh, no, Kami, I would cater to YOU! You would not have to satisfy any of my whims at all for I am but a tool for you to create your utopia!"

"Ehhh....that sounds nice, a personal caterer -"

"OH YES! LET ME! LET ME, KAMI! I WILL LICK YOUR SHOES CLEAN EVERY DAY!"

"But no."

"Kami?"

"No, Mikami. No."

And Mikami screamed and fell to his knees and started sobbing over the dead body of Takada, and when the paramedics came to collect the body, they instantly threw Mikami into handcuffs because they thought he was Kira and had killed her.

However, Mikami still sent letters to Light from prison, which made his parents believe that he was dating a felon, which made L and Misa angry. And poor Light was sad.

LOL.

Wedding Experience: Near and Halle

See, I have idea how this happened, being that Halle is at least a foot taller than Near, not to mention Near looks like a 12 year old, even though he's actually 17.

But it happened. I know. I went there.

And Near stood there at the altar, playing with his hair and a robot in his other hand, and the priest eyed him, eyed Halle, and then said, "Er...aren't you a little young to be married, boy?"

At which point Near had Giovanni shoot the priest, because apparently, that question was "suspicious."

So, neither Near or Halle got married, however, I still have to find out HOW they even got to the chapel in the first place under the assumption that they were getting married. Perhaps I can inject Near with a little truth serum later.

Right, well, I'm off to get some truth serum to inject Near with, I'm just dying to see how he proposed to (or how SHE proposed to) him/her.

Come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!