Chapter 21
Sitting opposite the door to Daryl's old cell, Alice gently pressed the cold steel of her knife to her scarred forearm. She just rested it there, closing her eyes at first and taking in the sensation of the metal against her skin, revelling in how it just rested there and did her no damage but if she was to shift it ever so slightly it would create a mark to add to her collection. She hadn't harmed herself since being at the Sanctuary, she knew that Negan wouldn't like it, he wouldn't understand that it wasn't because she was unhappy with him but because it was an act of desperation, almost an obsession or a compulsion.
She opened her eyes slowly and looked at the glinting metal, pressing it slightly harder against her pale arm and marvelling at how it still didn't break the skin. Skin always seemed like such a fragile thing, easily broken and scarred, but now, as she looked down at the way it fought back against the knife, she was impressed with its resilience.
She was in that position a lot, more often than ever since Negan had announced her pregnancy to the whole of the Sanctuary. It was one of the rare places she could find peace and quiet, where nobody had any demands of her and she could give into her urges. She didn't want to die, not anymore, not now she had something to live for, the prospect of something more with Daryl and this baby. The fight was how she was going to get back there. She knew that she would feel a lot better if she could be certain that this baby was Daryl's and not Negan's. It frightened her to think that she had been impregnated by her captor, the master she pretended to idolise when in fact her heart belonged to the outcast.
She sighed and moved the knife away from her arm, there was a faint mark where the blade had impressed on her skin but not broken it. She slowly drew the knife down towards her abdomen as she stretched her legs out in front of her. She pressed the tip to her slightly bulging stomach, wondering if she would have the ability to carve her unborn child out of herself before dying, or passing out from pain. As if in protest, she felt a small but defined movement inside of her and she dropped the knife in surprise. It was the first time she felt the baby kick and she hadn't expected it, she hadn't known what to expect but it certainly wasn't that.
The child kicked again and again, three times in total before it settled down again. Alice put her shaking hands to her abdomen and felt a warmth flood through her, a frightened but overwhelming love, and she began to cry. She was shaking, she wasn't sure if she was frightened or excited or both, but she was glad that she had experienced this milestone completely alone. She felt a connection to the unborn child, an understanding of the way they were inexplicably bound together and in some strange way she thought she felt the thoughts of her child reaching out to her, trying to comfort her. She knew it was probably in her head, none of it was real, but it comforted her nonetheless and stayed her tears.
Once she was calmer she picked her knife back up but slid it neatly into her holster, not intending to use it. She stood up and tested her legs out before venturing to leave the hallway in search of Negan; she didn't care where he was, she needed to speak to him about finding a cure for how she was slowly going insane. She knew what it was now, she was going stir-crazy, she longed for the smell of the woods, the feeling of the leaves and twigs underneath her feet, the pulsing of adventure. She knew it was dangerous, but she needed to get out of the safety that Sanctuary provided.
She found him in a meeting with Dwight and Simon, she hoped Dwight would take her part but she doubted that he would. She didn't give a second thought to the interruption of their meeting and luckily Negan didn't seem to mind.
'I need to talk to you about something.' she said and Simon was made to stop when he was mid-sentence.
'What's up?' Negan asked with a smile on his face which would have been dangerous for anyone else but Alice was practically untouchable at this point.
'I want to start going out, supply runs or something, even just extended walks; but I need to get out of this place for a few hours a day, I'm going insane.' she told him bluntly and he raised an eyebrow.
'Absolutely no way.' he smiled softly before turning back to the others' but Alice wasn't giving up that easily. She strode around him so that she was in front of him again and demanded his attention, once again the glint in his eyes was dangerous but that only seemed to spur Alice on, she liked the danger.
'Listen, I won't go out alone I know that's stupid, I'll take a team, make it a mission or something... but you can't keep me cooped up in here forever I'm losing my mind.' she said forcefully and he leaned back in his chair, stroking his beard gently with his thumb and forefinger.
'I mean, what are you not getting?' he asked slowly, amusement in his voice. 'You're pregnant. Even if you weren't my wife, pregnant with MY child if you were any pregnant lady I would say no. I'm not being responsible for a pregnant lady getting hurt out there.' he said and she raised an eyebrow at the irony of his words with his current blood-lust for Maggie. He realised his mistake and rolled his eyes but shook his head.
'No.' he affirmed but she remained adamant.
'I'll take Dwight with me, you know he won't let anything happen to me.' she said and Dwight nodded.
'I'd look after her.' he affirmed, by now Negan knew that the two of them were good friends and they both just prayed that he wouldn't think anything else of it. 'But...' Dwight said slowly and Alice looked at him with a hint of betrayal.
'Don't say it...' she hissed but he had Negan's attention now who motioned him to continue.
'Well I think Negan might be right, it's not a good idea to risk the baby's health.' he justified and Alice knew that he was referring to how Daryl would react if he found out and then found out she had jeopardised it.
In an unspoken way, Dwight and Alice had agreed that this baby was Daryl's and that even if Negan was the biological father, the baby would belong to Alice and Daryl anyway. He also knew that if Alice ran the risk of hurting that baby then when he found out Daryl wouldn't take it lightly. She didn't want to run any risks, she just wanted to breathe some fresh air away from the concrete world she inhabited.
'Thank you for your support Dwight.' Negan grinned and Alice let angry tears prick her eyes, only letting them show for a moment before she blinked them back. Simon was being uncharacteristically quiet, leaning back in his chair and enjoying the show.
'I will take as many goddamn bodyguards as you see fit, anyone you want me to take, all I ask is that I'm allowed to go out scavenging once a week. That's it. Just once a week, please, Negan, don't keep me cooped up in here.' she pleaded, coming towards him and hoping that she was being as endearing as she knew she could be. He studied her for a moment before sighing.
'I don't like seeing you upset.' he said softly and she blinked a little, unsure if she was supposed to respond or not. 'Alright, once every two weeks you can go out but you have to take at least both Dwight and Arat, Simon too if I can spare him.' he said and Alice felt a relief lift from her shoulders.
'Thank you.' she whispered with a small smile but there was still a dangerous glint in his eyes and she knew it wasn't over.
'In fact, why don't we all go out today, little family outing?' he suggested and she narrowed her eyes at him, unsure of what kind of play he was going for.
'What? Where?' she asked as he stood up suddenly and placed an arm around her waist, pulling her in for a kiss.
'That's a surprise, Dwight, Simon, go get a truck ready you can both come too.' he instructed and the other two men rose slowly.
'How many people for the family outing?' Simon asked with a hint of glee in his voice, he knew that there was a punishment looming for Alice and he looked forward to it.
'Enough to seem threatening but not enough that's going to disrupt the day.' Negan instructed as he began to lead Alice from the room, Dwight and Simon nodded before disappearing and Alice felt the fluttering of nerves in her chest, something was wrong.
'What are you planning, Negan?' she asked but he just drew her closer.
'Nothing, don't worry, I'm just excited that's all. You're right, I've kept you cooped up in here for way too long and we all need to reconnect with our family at some point, right?' he asked and she didn't pretend to understand him.
He refused to tell her anything else no matter what she asked or how she pressed him but all she could do was allow herself to be guided into the cab of the truck and sit complacently between Negan and Dwight who was driving. They drove for over an hour and it didn't take her long to realise where they were going, Hilltop.
'What're you planning, Negan?' she asked in a low voice and Negan chucked brightly.
'Our family is expanding darling, I just want to make sure that everyone's on the same page.' he added by his way of explanation but refused to say anything else.
Due to his insistent silence, the rest of the car journey was spent in silence and with every passing moment Alice felt a growing sense of dread. She tried to take deep breaths and calm her fears and anxieties as well was quell the pressing nausea that usually accompanied her days now but she couldn't shake the feeling of impending doom no matter how hard she tried.
He wasn't looking at her, in fact he didn't look at her at all, but she couldn't help but feel like he was scrutinising her every micro-movement, judging every tick in her facial expression. She felt like his attention was fixed solely on her and he was relishing her discomfort and anxiety at not knowing where the day was going to end up.
As they pulled up to the gates if Hilltop, Alice braced herself and waited for the gunfire as her friends made to defend themselves. She wondered if they knew she was with them or if they even suspected it since they didn't open fire as Negan got out of the truck and helped her down as she followed. She accepted his hand but there was a tightening in her throat as she struggled to keep her nerves in check.
Maggie's head appeared over the top of the watch-post and Negan waved with a grin, holding his hands up in a surrender sign; Alice noticed how he had left Lucille in the cab of the truck. She tried to work out his reasoning here, his train of thought as he had that smug look on his face. There was some other element of fear mongering here that he was eliciting, this wasn't about the threat of physical pain or violence, this was a power play. For a few moments she tried to work out how this was a punishment towards Hilltop or the other, existing communities, but she couldn't work it out, none of it seemed brutal enough. Then she realised, it wasn't their punishment it was hers.
In spite of all the power she thought she had at the Sanctuary she was still completely within Negan's control. He was using her position as his wife, and as the future mother of his child, in order to punish her in front of people he knew she cared about.
She couldn't help but stare angrily at him as she came to the realisation of what he was doing but she was powerless to prevent his ego, power-trip. She was the victim and always would be in their marriage unless she spoke up about it, but with the state of mind he was in she was unsure whether it was such a good idea to speak up at exactly that moment. No, she needed to wait it out until she was in a slightly safer position, and she needed to know the extent of her punishment first.
'Hello there Ms. Widow!' Negan called and Alice winced slightly as she became aware of exactly how malicious a mood he was in. Maggie's face tightened at his words and her expression, which had originally been slightly lenient at the sight of Alice, darkened with rage towards this murderer.
'What do you want, Negan?' she asked and he shrugged.
'We're just here to bestow some news, about the current situation of things and where we're going moving forward.' he replied and Alice took a deep breath and tried to fight the nausea that she was no longer completely sure was just down to her pregnancy.
'What news?' Maggie called back but Negan shook his head with a chuckle.
'We'd rather tell everyone at the same time, I especially want to see Daryl's face. Rick's too if he's around.' Negan said and Maggie took a deep breath of her own as she tried to contain her anger. Alice wished she could rush forward and put an end to all this, putting her own life at risk, ending it if necessary, just to stop this and bring some comfort to her sister.
Maggie looked down behind her, Alice presumed she was conferring with Rick or someone else and then she nodded to the person behind her and disappeared behind the barracks as the gates began to creak open.
Rick stood there with Daryl and Michonne at his sides, both had their weapons at the ready but Negan reached out behind him and grabbed Alice, pulling her to his own side as a form of protection; they wouldn't attack him when he had a friend of theirs so close, Alice could see the concern in Daryl's eyes from where she stood. Maggie joined them a moment later and a small group of the others' clustered behind them including Jesus, Enid, Rosita and Gabriel.
'What is this Negan? Are you looking for a fight?' Rick called but looked skeptical as he looked Alice up and down in her heels and dress; she didn't look dressed for a fight.
Negan smiled and tightened his grip on her before turning his head to her slightly without taking his eyes off of his enemy.
'Do you want to tell them, sweetheart, or should I?' he asked her in a quieter tone which was just loud enough that the others' could hear. Alice didn't look at him, she kept her gaze on her friends, avoiding Daryl's eye as much as possible because she knew that when it came down to it she would find him and her heart would break. She fought back tears and tried to keep her face set in stone, she didn't want to give Negan the satisfaction of seeing any emotion from her.
'You're right, honey, I am the King so I should be the one to bestow the news.' he laughed and she looked down momentarily to give herself a moment to collect herself and steel herself against what was coming before Negan's voice rose again and he boomed out his declaration.
'We are expecting! My beautiful wife here is going to have a baby!' Alice couldn't help it, she looked up and her eyes met with Daryl's who looked shocked and confused.
She tried to relay to him the reality of it, how there was a strong chance the baby was his, and he seemed to understand as they looked at one another for those long, few seconds, but she wasn't sure if that made him feel better or worse. She became aware that Negan was speaking again and did her best to come back to reality and pay attention to what he was saying. She wasn't aware that angry tears were dropping down her cheeks but Negan wasn't looking at her so it was alright.
'Yes! It's all been confirmed by the doctor and everything, just so you all know! We wanted to share this news with you, not only because you've been so good to my Ali in the past but because we, well I personally, wanted you to know in terms of our little war we've got going on here. So now you'll know that if you kill me then you're not just widowing your friend on this side, no, you're orphaning her child too! I mean, do we really want that?' he asked and then his eyes rested on Maggie and her now prolific baby bump and he winced slightly but it was a mockery, none of it was real.
Alice looked to her friends and was surprised to find that none of them were looking at Negan, all of their attentions were turned to her. They looked at her with a mixture of pity and shock and Alice hated it all, she knew know that Negan knew exactly how to hurt her, what the best form of punishment would be for her. This was a humiliation, a proof that she had all but defected onto his side and she wondered how many of them would realise that she had simply done what she needed to do to survive - she wondered how many of them knew about her relationship with Daryl, whether any of them would make the connection and realise the precarious situation she was in. Either way, she was in trouble and they seemed to know it.
Once again, her eyes connected with Daryl's and she tried to steel herself, she tried to stop the tears and grasp any semblance of maturity she could hold onto. As her expression shifted she thought she saw tears in his eyes and he turned suddenly and stormed off back through the crowd of people who had now gathered to hear the big news, he pushed people out of the way to get away and Negan began to laugh as he realised that his address had taken the desired affect. Alice now found that she couldn't take her eyes off of Daryl's retreating figure and she wished he would come back and offer her some comfort but Daryl wasn't that type of man, he would be more in touch with his anger at the situation than any comfort he could offer Alice across the distance between them.
She took a deep breath and Negan felt her stiffen beside him and he knew that she was angry now.
'Oh no, I didn't mean to bring up any bad memories!' he said with a sadistic smile, Rick was glaring angrily at him. 'Was there something between you two once upon a time?' Negan asked Alice, turning to her now, his eyes searching her face for any tiny indication that she wasn't loyal to him. Alice heard Simon shift slight behind her and she knew that in this moment she was fighting for her life, if she didn't give Negan exactly what he wanted then she would be killed, right here and now in front of her friends, whether she was pregnant or not.
'Are you fucking kidding me?' she whispered to him and he could see that her anger stemmed from something much deeper than being exposed in front of a potential lover and he was convinced.
'What can I say?' he asked her in a low voice, 'I was excited.' he leaned down slowly and kissed her on the mouth and she had no option other than to let him but she made a point of not kissing him back and after a few moments she pulled away and pushed herself away from him.
She stormed back towards the truck, angry tears pouring down her cheeks as she struggled to keep her emotions in check. She didn't know how to even begin to express the anger she felt towards Negan but what confused her even more was that she was angry at Daryl.
She wondered if it was just the hormones coming into play but whenever the thought of Daryl walking away popped into her head she felt an overwhelming surge of frustration aimed at him.
'Trouble in paradise?' she heard Rick yell at Negan as she reached the truck and Dwight held out a hand to help her into the cab. She accepted it and noted but didn't appreciate the squeeze he gave her hand in an attempt at comfort.
Negan glowered at Rick for a moment before sighing and turning back to the truck himself and wrapping up their meeting as he hurried after his angry wife.
'Ali! Ali wait!' he called after her but she was firmly seated in the truck now and had no intention of going back to be humiliated further. She didn't dare look back to her friends for fear of breaking her resolve and as Negan approached the window of the truck she glared ahead with her arms crossed and her lips slightly pouted.
'Ali talk to me, use your words.' Negan said softly as he approached the cab. Alice was sat between him and Lucille but she knew he had his gun on him and she had to be careful with what she said; he was still someone who was very much to be feared and she knew she shouldn't lose sight of that.
'I want to go home, Negan.' she said stonily and he sighed and reached in through the open window to take her hand but she pulled away. She expected him to get angry but he didn't, instead he sighed again and opened the door tapping her slightly in an indication that she should budge up.
Simon got into the drivers' seat and Negan sat beside Ali. As they began to drive away he reached out the window and gave the Hilltop crowd a cheery wave and a smile as if to indicate that everything was fine; Alice remained staring stonily ahead and gave no indication to Negan or her friends that she was alright.
They drove in silence for a little while and even Negan seemed a little cowed by Alice's very clear anger towards him and the whole situation. Eventually he ventured to see whether her rage had abated a little.
'I feel like we need to talk about what happened back there.' he said and Alice turned to look at him with fire in her eyes, he had never seen her this angry, he wasn't aware that she was capable of being this angry.
'Oh really? You really think that we need to talk about that? That's your expert opinion is it?' she asked heatedly and Simon kept his eyes glued to the road and tried to act like he wasn't listening but he wasn't fooling anyone, this drama was too good to miss.
'You wanted more of an opportunity to go out more so I thought I would bring you to see your old friends, what's so wrong with that?' he replied, a little heatedly himself and he expected Alice to back down when he displayed his authority but she didn't respond on the way he expected her to. Instead, she stood her ground and kept fighting for her own principles.
'You humiliated me, you made me look weak in front of them!' she scolded him and then raised her voice to a shout when he opened his mouth to argue back. 'Don't tell me that that wasn't what happened because you know that it was, and, what's more, it was exactly what you intended to happen!' she yelled and Negan was shocked into silence.
He always knew that people knew his plans, people knew when he was trying to humiliate them or punish them in some way as a demonstration, but nobody had ever called him out on it before. He stared at Alice in shocked silence as he tried to work out whether to be angry with her, shocked that she had the balls to be so direct with him, or impressed at her outspokenness.
He had thought that he had been good in giving her the power she craved and giving her free reign amongst the Saviours and around the Sanctuary. He now realised that, in reality, he had never really let go of the reigns, she had always been in his pocket. In a way it meant she was under his protection but it also meant that she was just like his other wives had been and he didn't want that. He wanted her to stay with him because she wanted to, not because she felt obliged to; only now did he see that it would mean he needed to employ new tactics and not treat her in the same way he had always treated everyone else.
'If I told you I was sorry would you believe me?' he asked in a genuine, small voice and Simon had to stop himself from looking around in shock at his leader. He had expected Negan to order Alice's death for backchat then and there, even Alice looked a little surprised at the sudden turn of events but she stood her ground and remained adamant in her demeanour.
'I thought we agreed that we were equals?' she asked him and when he didn't respond she continued. 'That's all I want here, Negan. I don't like being flaunted around like that, the way you treat me sometimes just makes me want to scream. I do genuinely believe that you're excited at the thought of being a dad and that's great, it gives me hope for my child's future - but I am not a trophy wife and I will not be treated as such anymore. I survived out there for years by myself, I'm a fighter and a survivor and I just want to be treated like one.'
She spoke quickly as if afraid he might try and interrupt her but he didn't so she lowered her tone slightly and softened a little towards him. She could see that he was genuinely cowed by her words and remorseful of his actions, she could only hope it wasn't for show.
'You're right.' he said after a lengthy pause and reached out to offer his hands - he didn't try and take her hands by force this time, he gave her the opportunity to come to him if she wanted to and she saw this as a movement forward for him so she rewarded him by placing her hands into his own. He gave her a smile and she felt the warmth in her heart for him again, he was still learning, she just needed to guide him a little.
'I want you to call me out on my shit more often,' he told her plainly and she searched his eyes for any sign that this was all words and he wouldn't revert back again to his old ways but she found truth. 'I need you to be a queen, Alice, I need you to keep me in my place when I try and rule over you because we both know that the queen's the most powerful piece on the board.' he said quietly and Alice felt her anger calming slightly.
'I don't want to be more powerful than you, Negan. I respect your power, it's one of the reasons I...' she stopped and took a deep breath. 'It's one of the reasons I love you. I just want us to be equals, man and wife.'
He looked at her with a beaming face and she could see tears in his eyes. She wasn't sure if they were just words on her part or not but she knew that they were words she needed to say now more than ever or else she would never break their cycle.
The reconciliation was brought about and Negan grinned at Alice before leaning in to kiss her, wrapping his arms around her awkwardly given the confines of the cab of the truck but Alice returned his kiss willingly and returned his embrace.
She no longer knew how deep her lies went, she didn't know if she was even lying to herself by trying to convince herself that she didn't love Negan in some way - that it was all just words. Either way she finally felt like he had heard her, she finally felt a sense of freedom and safety; but she knew that before too long there would be another hurdle to jump and there would always be more after that, it came with the world they lived in.
She allowed Negan to hold her and whisper promises into her ear throughout the rest of the journey home and when they got back she treated herself to a long bath and some well-earned isolation. At least she had gained one victory from that day - she would be allowed outside, and that brought with it the potential to "accidentally" run into Daryl.