How are you holding up, guys? If you know my blog, you know I'm hanging in there. But it is really hard to write when your ship is...wherever Japril is right now. I've never seen characters in such an intense place, and it really is influencing my muse because...Even though I do follow the character development (however flawed) lately...I feel like I'm writing different people than are in cannon. I guess because I am. Plain and simple. Please remember that. I'm writing Jackson and April married, in love...they have issues in this story but they are nothing close to cannon. Please. Remember that. I'm so scared to post this chapter because I'm afraid it will be hard for people.
Another struggle that I'm having is that...this is a very detail intense story, as you guys probably know. I could probably detail every second of a day in Tenley, or Brae, or Bellie's life but...as far as where this is going? Where it might end? I have no idea and sometimes that is VERY hard because it feels like a case study...But I want to tell a story. Basically all I'm trying to say is...feedback, conversation ect. ect. about what you read when you read this chapter would be more appreciated than ever. As always, I need to tell you all how much I appreciate knowing that so many of you connect to this world.
Jackson
"Can I help you?" I asked, when I opened the door and found Arabella and Tenley on the other side. Bellie's arms were crossed and Tenley was clutching a blanket, sucking on a pacifier. It was one of the biggest steps back of this whole ordeal for us. April had gotten her off the passi for a couple weeks before the incident.
"We asided we cold, want a sleepover party wit mama and daddy."
"Hmmm….hold that thought." I slammed the door in the smirking diva's face and heard her hmph of indigence. I turned to my wife, who was yawning under the covers. "What do you wanna do?"
"Are you serious? I think that you clearly weren't in that moment with me so…whatever you want."
"April…" I sighed, but there were children outside to put back to bed. "That's a no, so…..do you want to help me put them back to bed?"
"Not at all." She turned to face the pillow.
"Well, sorry to burst your bubbles, ladies," I said when I opened the door again, "But rules are rules and what are the rules about sleeping in mommy and daddy's bed?"
"Oh we don't eben know anymore, seriously."
"You can't. Not when mommy and daddy are both in it. But I…" I took both of their hands and started leading them toward Tenley's bedroom. Thankfully there was no protesting. It seemed like they just had to give this a try. "…Am going to wrap you both up like big burritos in your blankets so you are nice and warm and cozy all night. Plus you're going to be in there so tight you won't be able to get out without my help tomorrow." I picked Tee up and gave her a fake evil laugh and a kiss on the cheek.
"My dad? I not a bah-rito."
"I know that silly. You're a princess. But look. Daddy's gonna put you on top of a sheet like this…" I put her in the bed. "And then wrap up your little feet and your body so it all stays inside, like a burrito. Then we just put the cover on…and there. Aren't you so toasty warm?"
"OK, dad," she yawned, again sensing not to fight. I think she was too tired to anyway. One of them had just woken up, remembered mama was home, and couldn't resist giving a slumber party a try.
"OK, Tee." I kissed her forehead. "Daddy loves you to the moon!"
"Hey! You 'membered." Arabella exclaimed next to me.
"Shhh. Yeah, of course." I carried her to her room and she didn't protest to the burrito either, though she made dramatic noises while being rolled up. I was glad neither of them put up a fight or asked about April. One argument tonight was enough, and I knew I was about to head into a big one.
"Sweetheart, I just wanted to consider your feelings." I wasn't dumb enough to try and pick up where we left off, but I was still surprised when she squirmed away from my shoulder kisses, and wouldn't let me hold her. "Before everything, you'd be mad I didn't ask you…and we still wouldn't be having sex right now, so…" I shrugged to myself.
"Psssh, Ok. Because 'before everything' is what matters, right? Is that what we're trying to get back to? 'Before everything?' It certainly would make life easier for you. But forgive me for thinking you were in the moment with me and understood my needs for once."
"Oh, come on, don't do that!"
"Are you ever there with me? Or are you always just chasing an orgasm whenever it will come for you, feelings be damned?"
"Wow, that is probably the lowest blow…in almost six years of marriage. April, we have four beautiful kids, we've had sex probably close to thousands of times now, and…you're really asking me if I've ever…what if I asked you the same thing, huh? What would happen if I asked you've ever connected emotionally during sex or if it was all a lie?" She didn't answer, just sniffled angrily, probably wiping away tears. "I don't have energy for this right now, and I respect that I hurt your feelings, too. So, I'm gonna go to sleep. I love you…" Silence. "Hey…don't do this…I said I love you."
We were not a perfect couple; we'd gone to sleep angry before. "I love you, too," wasn't even the required response to what I'd said. But a response was required. "Goodnight, Jackson."
April
"Mama! Mama! Wake up! Daddy make-ted French toast fer you and it look like it actually tasties yummy. And some bacon."
"Arabella, go eat it sweetheart. Mommy's having a sad day." I groaned, but didn't turn to her. She ignored me, slipping into Jackson's empty spot in the bed. She tried to snuggle up to me, much like Jackson had the night before.
"Oh it's ok, mom. Acause daddy's here to take carea everyone so we can just be cozy!"
I turned to her, pulling her to me so we were nose-to-nose. "Thank you, sweetheart." I kissed her forehead and pulled her close to me, unable to say what I knew I needed to say. But I didn't have to.
"Arabella Catherine Avery, get your butt out of that bed right now! Go downstairs and eat breakfast before your time out, you blatantly disobeyed orders. Daddy told you not to come up here. I told you only I was waking mom up."
"Go do as you're told, sweetheart. And take your time out like a big girl, you know you need to listen to daddy." I gave her another kiss.
"Aleast, can I do time out firs' so I can eat with mommy?" she sighed and slid out of bed.
"Nope, sorry. All of your sisters are down there, obeying me by eating their breakfast."
"I will get the carry an' take the baby fer you?" He had Laidy in his arms.
"Arabella, the only thing I want you to do is go downstairs and eat your breakfast, maybe help your sisters out if they ask. I will be down soon." She looked at me from the doorway before she left. I knew the question behind her eyes, but she was too scared to ask, and I didn't know the answer. The one I was leaning toward would not make anyone happy.
"Morning, babe." He had some nerve, trying to crawl on me to kiss me good morning. I turned away.
"Where's the baby?"
"Right here, she's fine. I can put her down a sec. Do you want to say hello?"
"No. Take her and leave me alone."
"April…come on. That's not how this is going to work."
"Oh it's not, huh?"
"No. You're here to spend time with the girls, that's what you're gonna do."
"They know what a sad day is…."
"That's what you told her? Shit…I knew I was right to tell them not to come up here and she…look at me, April…I said, look at me!"
I don't know why I turned, but I did. He climbed on top of me, not aggressively, just to assure eye contact was my best guess. "I love you, OK? I love you and I'm so sorry that I hurt your feelings last night. But you've gotta show us you've changed. This is not acceptable. Take 20 minutes, call Dr. C, anyone. Just…get downstairs in 20 minutes or else…"
"Or else what?" I spit the words, my anger surprising me.
"April…I will do what I have to do for those girls without thinking twice."
Jackson
Her face went white, anger and bravery replaced by fear and tears. "Divorce? Are you saying you want to divorce me and take my babies away?"
"No! No! Not at all! God, I just….if you cannot get up and join breakfast you aren't ready for this. So, I'll call my mom, leave the girls here with her and we'll go back. If you need more treatment and alone time, I can make that happen. But that's what it's gonna be…if you go back. I'm not putting the girls through anymore disappointment. Just….decide April. Make the right choice for you."
I kissed her lips, her neck….lifted her shirt to kiss her belly, and then the bottom of her foot. It was a thing I did sometimes, usually when she was pregnant, to remind her I loved every inch of her.
"Can I see Adelaide?"
"Of course!" I handed her the baby. She held her a good minute before kissing her forehead and giving her back, but didn't speak another word to me before I left.
"I'm so sorry, girls….daddy just had to…" I froze in the middle of my empty kitchen. Full plates of bacon and French toast were abandoned. But I heard crying, and turned to see the three of them huddled together on the couch, sobbing hysterically.
"What's the matter?" I rushed over, begrudgingly at best. I had to fix whatever this was, but it was eight thirty and I was already tired.
"You put a baby in mama's belly, I sawed!" Arabella screamed at me, and then instantly went back to comforting her sisters. The speed of the switch was rather alarming.
I closed my eyes, willing myself the energy for this. "Everyone freeze and look at me….one….two…eyes on me on three. Thank you. Listen carefully. There is no baby in mom's belly. I know this for sure."
"I sawed you kiss-ted her belly."
"I did. That is not how I put a baby in her belly."
"It's not?"
"No."
"How?"
"Arabella, why did you see that? What did you do after I asked you to come eat?"
"I hadda use potty." She said it matter-of-factly, knowing that part would not get her in trouble. "Then I looked in you room afore I come down and seed you kiss her belly."
"Did I ask you to go straight downstairs?" She nodded. "Is there a potty down here to use?" Again, a nod. "Did I say spy on mom and dad, even though you're already in trouble for disobeying me?"
"Double time out." She sighed, resigned to her fate, and jumped off the couch toward breakfast, non-existent sibling already forgotten on her part.
"No sister?" Tenley blinked up at me, eyes still wet.
"No sister."
"Where's my mom?"
"Come on, Tee, let's just go try to eat breakfast."
"Good morning!" She came in, twenty-five minutes later wearing yoga clothes and a smile, and kissed our daughters. "Mmm all of those kisses were very syrupy, delicious!"
Only Arabella laughed. "Mama, I thought it was a sad day."
"I'm sorry I told you that, diva. Some days I might feel sad, but I will always get out of bed for the whole day from now on, OK? I promise." She made sure to catch my eye, but I was just watching Tee try to nod at her mom but focus on counting.
"That's a good promise mom. I have a double time out after I eat, so I'm eatin' bery slow…slow as Tenley."
"Oh no, a double?" She blinked at me, looking for an answer.
"Yep. Someone didn't go downstairs when I asked and then was spying on mommy and daddy and convinced her sisters there was a baby in mom's belly."
She bit her lip, nervous. "Oh…no. No baby in here. I just had one, sillies."
Tenley looked up from her plate. "Ever, ever?" she whispered.
"Never ever have a baby in my belly again?" Tee nodded. "Oh I don't know, I…I'm just gonna go talk to your dad a second in the living room. Then I'm gonna make us breakfast smoothies. Who's missed Mama's smoothies?"
All three girls raised their hands. "Anythin' fer no time out yet." Arabella sighed, mostly to herself, and Brae offered her a piece of French toast with her hands.
"You eat it cub, wit a fork, geez. You know how to."
"That's right. I want everyone's plate clean if you want a smoothie." I called to them as she led me to the couch. "What's up?"
"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry for last night. I realize now, you were just trying to consider my feelings. But for the record, when we're that…into things, unless they're sick, I'll never want to stop and let them in bed."
"Ok."
"And this morning, I was completely out of line. Dr. C said you were right and I agree. I'm ready to be here, to come home. And I might be overwhelmed at first but…they will never hear the term 'sad day' again. I promise. But please don't threaten to leave me like that again. I can't handle that feeling."
"That's not what I was doing. I don't believe in divorce. Not from you. I don't want that. But we have to work on this marriage, too. The girls come first, but if we're not good, they're not going to be. We have a lot of work to do on us."
"I know. And I'm here to do it."
"Ok, me too."
"You're still…I know you…what's wrong?"
"The things you asked me, about sex…"
"Jackson, I was in a really irrational space, it lingered until I talked to someone, even…I didn't mean it. I'm sorry. Can we just….forget it, clean slate?"
"Clean slate." We shook on it.
"I'm gonna cook you a special dinner tonight. Two meals…one for us and one for the girls. Early bedtime tonight? Let's tire 'em out all day."
"Oh that is a deal, mama." I said out loud as we re-entered the kitchen. I wrapped my arms around her and she relaxed into me, smiling as I placed a familiar trail of kisses down her neck.
"Eww gross." Arabella rolled her eyes, laughing, but I could hear some of her tension lift with every giggle.
April
"Where's my dad?"
"He's somewhere changing Laidy, love. Come on, lunchtime. Do you want turkey or ham on your sandwich?"
"I want my daddy."
"OK, he's coming. Bellie, what do you want?"
"Can I have ham with a cheese, please?"
"Yes, thank you for good manners." I started unwrapping the oatmeal bread.
"Mama, why you didn't ask Brae?"
"Because she's little. She can't tell me. She needs to try different food and I'm gonna feed her."
"Mama, you better not do that. Daddy ask her or he help when she havin' a hard time acause she only sometimes throws now."
"Thanks for the advice, Bellie. But remember, you only have to worry about you from now on, diva," I finished making her sandwich and put it in front of her. We'd had a great morning, even though breakfast was a bit tense. I did yoga with the girls on the beach. It was something we did a few mornings a week, before We loved it. They were so excited to show daddy how they exercised. And even though we couldn't convince him to join us, there was a look of awe he gave them, a look of pride laced with Avery sparkle that was very hard not to giggle about. I was very familiar with it. And I'd never seen him laugh as much as he did every time Braelyn toppled over and he had to run to pick her up.
After exercising we all played on the beach. Daddy took all of his girls into the water, even dipping Laidy's feet in for a second. We built a sand castle, all of us as a family. When Tenley started getting nervous about the sand, Bellie and I looked for shells and stones on the shore.
When we came in, Adelaide needed to be changed, fed and put to sleep. But I chose to feed the big girls lunch. Some tasks were easier with the big girls. Talking could be difficult, but that was only because my daughters were so smart.
"Tenley girl, I'm going to ask one more time. Would you like a sandwich or juice?"
"Just a juicy."
"Just a juice please, mom?"
"Have a turkey sandwich, Tee. You like it. Mama gaved me a pickle and 'tato chips, too. Mama never does."
"Jus' juicy. My daddy knows to do it, only."
"Mama's living on the edge, its vacation. Ok, Tenley, you can wait. I'm gonna cook a healthy dinner tonight. Special for my girls. You decide. What are some things we can make? A salad," I asked, giving Tenley her juice.
"No mom. A salad is not a dinner."
"Ok." There was never a question as to how Arabella felt. "What about Tee, do you have any ideas?"
"Chicken wit a vegeble."
"Great idea. I'm gonna make sesame chicken stir fry. Does that sound yummy?" Tenley just shrugged, taking a sip of juice. "Mama and Brae are gonna share a sandwich, cub. Are you ready? Watch." I sat in front of her and took a bite of ham, handing her the turkey.
"No!" She threw it down on her highchair and a piece of bread hit the floor.
Freeze. Deep breath. "OK. Low carb is good."
"I told you, mom."
Freeze. Deep breath. "You did. Don't you want to eat like mama and Bellie?" I took another bite of my half. Before, I would've handed her hers, but I knew that was a losing battle right now. Maybe a sandwich was a bad idea. She was just picking it apart and moving the components around on her tray.
"Eat, cub." But she just looked at me and burst into tears. Deep breath. I was in the middle of trying to come up with the next step when I heard a shriek and saw Tenley's cup of grape juice fall to the floor in what seemed like slow motion. It wasn't glass, but it wasn't covered. She bolted out of her seat and away from me before the purple liquid even hit the ground.
"Freeze. Deep breaths and count to ten, girls. Like we practiced when we were doing rules." I said it out loud this time. The baby kept quiet, but Arabella listened, whisper-counting her alligators in between deep breaths.
We were both at about five when she couldn't contain herself anymore. "Mama, thirty second dance party?"
"How about three minutes?" She threw her sandwich on her plate, I grabbed the baby, and we headed toward the Ipod in the living room.
Jackson
I'd just gotten Adelaide to sleep when Tenley came running into the nursery, crying hysterically. I picked her up and ran out of there quickly, not able to risk waking the baby up for my sanity. She was usually a dream, but this afternoon's feeding was tough.
"What's the matter? Please use words so I can help you." I bounced her on my knee in her bedroom.
"I spill my juicy."
Oh no. "Did mama yell?"
"I comed to you acause I needed my dad."
"Why sweetheart?"
"I scared and I need a turkey to eat."
"Wow, you're gonna eat a whole turkey by yourself? I don't think so silly. Daddy can't even do that."
"No." She shook her head. "A san-witch."
"I think mom can make you a turkey sandwich."
"Ony you cut it one, two, three, four."
"Tenley….Mama will cut your sandwich into four. You just have to tell her. I'm sure she wouldn't even ask you why." I stood up and headed downstairs to the kitchen with her in my arms. I was quickly learning that every moment of my life for the foreseeable future was going to be potentially therapeutic. On one hand it was great, our family was healing and we needed these moments like this so we could continue. But it was exhausting, too. So, as I headed downstairs to show April Tenley's obsessive habits and to try and force my little girl to give up some control, there was a feeling of dread in my gut. I was not expecting to hear Mariah Carey blasting from the Ipod speakers in the living room, or the pure joy radiating from the three girls dancing to it.
I smiled, and watched for a second, knowing this was one of Tenley's favorite activities. "Dance party, sweetheart, look." Her focus was elsewhere. She was gazing toward the kitchen, thinking of the spill. Reluctantly, she complied and April caught her eye, dancing over with outstretched arms. But Tee shook her head and buried herself in my chest again.
"No? Ok. Daddy?" She nodded at me and grinned, because we both knew what I had to do, in the name of helping my daughter. I put her on the floor.
"Me? Dance? With you? Of course." I rolled my eyes and begrudgingly took her hand and let her lead me into the middle of the living room. "It had to be this slow?" I asked, through gritted teeth.
"We felt like a slow jam," she whispered, giggling. "It's kind of romantic." She guided my arms around her waist, and forced me to sway to the beat.
"This is a breakup song." I grinned against her neck, unable to resist kissing it.
"Bellie likes it, she likes to do snaps at the 'ah" parts and the pauses in music. You're doing so well babe. Spin me and dip."
"You want to know why I'm doing so well? Because all I'm doing is swaying when you sway."
"Come on, the song is almost done and they're watching." She was right. I'd been watching them watching over her shoulder. As soon as I took April's hand, Tenley joined her sisters, pretty much jumping around aimlessly. Her disconnect from her mom was disconcerting. April was her best friend. But in the moment, I was just happy she was dancing.
At some point, it registered to them that dad was dancing and that never happened. They stopped jumping around to watch, and I just tried to ignore the little eyes. April's head was relaxed on my shoulder and I just wanted to be in the moment with her.
She deserved at least a spin, though. For all of the formal events I refused to give her even one dance, opting instead to network with her at my side. For our quick wedding, which meant everything…but was just room service cake and sex once the vows were said.
One of my biggest regrets was stealing April away from her perfect wedding. She always said that she didn't care because I was her dream husband, and I gave her a dream family. But she was the love of my life; I wish I'd given her everything she'd ever wanted. But our families weren't exactly overjoyed about our union, so a post-nuptial celebration didn't seem as necessary as signing a post-nuptial agreement to appease them.
"Mkay. It's not gonna be pretty, but let's go." I spun and dipped her, right in front of the girls. They were smiling, but I wanted giggles, so I panted a big kiss right on her lips.
"Daddy, you did that," Tenley squealed.
"I know, I kissed your mom."
"No, you twirled."
"He did, he twirled me well, right girls? But now he has sandwiches to make, and I have juice to clean up. And listen to me, please. All of you have lunches to eat. I want your plates empty. Daddy will make whatever you want. But I need you to eat."
"Today is a hard day." Tenley whispered to the floor.
"I know. Daddy will help you. But mom's right. I want to see two clean plates."
"I was just eatin' and then Tee spilled on accident and me and mommy did a freeze, and then I thinked mom would like a dance party. But it was yummy, I will finish."
We shared a look behind our daughter's back as everyone filed into the kitchen. Everyone always knew what was on Bellie's mind. April grabbed a mop as soon as she walked in. "I'll deal with the juice and you do the sandwiches," she said, suddenly focused. "You need to make Brae something she'll eat and I guess show me. I tried to teach her to eat a sandwich but I guess she's not ready. I even just gave her a half to pull apart but she was throwing it."
"You've just got to cut it up tiny and give it to her. You don't forget, right?"
"No, I remember. She threw it at me in all forms. But you've made progress so…"
"Ok."
"And Tenley wants a turkey sandwich, I don't have any idea what's going on there." She turned her face away, I suspected to wipe away a tear.
"I don't really know yet either babe. It changes everyday. It seems like anxiety mixed with some control issues. We'll figure it out; we're working through it."
"Ok."
"Hey. Look at me, sweetheart." I took her face in my hands when she did. "Are you Ok, right now? Do you need a few minutes?"
"No, I'm fine, really."
"She's going to be alright. She can sleep on her own sometimes. She laughs. And she loves you so much."
"Ok." I would've loved an "I know," but we just had to get through this meal. "I love her, too."
She had cleaned up the spill, and turned to face the girls. They were laughing together, Bellie eating slowly as she and her sisters waited for me to make a couple of sandwiches. "Tenley Justine, would you like some more juice?'
"She can have that?" Bellie wrinkled her nose.
"Of course. It was an accident. I wasn't mad. I just had to breathe a minute and then we did a dance party. Tee ran to daddy before she could see. But Tenley, I want you to know mama was not mad. Ok? Can you tell me why I wasn't mad?"
"A accident."
"That's right. And we don't get in trouble for accidents, right?"
"No, we don't anymore."
"That's right. I need you to drink something while you eat that yummy sandwich daddy just made you. That pickle and all of those potato chips are going to make you thirsty. Would you like grape juice again, or more water?"
"Juice please, mama." April let out an audible breath when she got an answer. She washed the cup that had been on the floor and poured more juice. She brought it over and kissed Tenley's cheek, then sat in front of the sandwich I'd made for her and watched what it took for Tenley to eat a on a hard day.
April
"Daddy count," she ordered, but Jackson shook his head.
"Nope. Daddy's sitting here with you and I cut your sandwich like you asked, but I'm hungry too. You can count, if you need to."
"Please, my dad." She locked eyes with him, and I saw her pain hit him as it hit me, but he quickly looked away, taking a bite of his own sandwich before turning to check on Braelyn's progress.
"No. You are a big girl. I'm right here but I'm not counting with you anymore. This morning, I know you had a hard time but you did all of your counting yourself."
Tears welled up in my eyes. I was the cause of this. I didn't want to undermine him; I was in no position to do that. But I put my hand on his shoulder, we locked eyes, and he shrugged and went back to feeding Brae. He didn't ask if she wanted help, and she hadn't thrown a fit. I was public enemy number one, but determined to do anything to regain their favor. "What about me? Can mama help you count?"
"I try alone."
"You'll try alone? OK." I watched her count the sandwich quarters. One. Two. Three. Four. She picked each one up and put it down.
"OK, now pick one up and eat it." He said it with his back to her, like it was normal. I guess it was, for him. But for me this was new, and agonizing. To watch her count, and take a bite, and count another, and take a bite. Ten bites to get through a quarter of a sandwich. Almost.
"Sweetie? You missed a bite." I pointed to her plate as she picked up the next quarter, trying to be helpful.
Jackson turned. "She has to end on an even number." He went back to Brae. But I couldn't keep my eyes off of her.
"Don't cry, mama! Don't worry she knows the rule to fill up her tummy." It wasn't until Arabella whispered to me that I realized tears were streaming down my face. "I can be excused, please?"
He glanced at her plate. "Yup. Good girl. Where are you going to play?"
"Uhhh…my room please?"
"I'll go up with her." Only half of my own sandwich was finished, but I'd lost my appetite.
"Mom, your tummy can't be full afer that."
"It is," I said, following her out of the kitchen and upstairs. "Plus, I want you to play. Just dolls or something. Mama wants to take a nap."
"Oh, I will too mom! We can take it together?"
"You go play diva. Mom just needs a nap and nap time is soon for the babies too. But you don't take them anymore sweet girl."
She shrugged. "I will just take a toy to your room, OK? That way you not alonely when you nap acause daddy haves to finish lunchtime and this one will take awhile." She rolled her eyes.
I scooped her up in my arms for a big hug. "I don't want you to worry though. I'm just taking a nap. I'm setting an alarm for thirty minutes."
"I not worried. Just in case you are sad acause of Tee I will make you laugh. It maked me sad. I don't tell daddy but sometimes he make me laugh and I feel better."
"Who made you so sweet?" I asked, kissing her cheek.
"You and daddy," she giggled and ran off to pick a toy to bring while she kept me company.
"Are you sure, sweetheart?" He whispered in my ear, but not quietly enough for Arabella.
"Stop askin' that! Mama taked three of us to the supermarket wit Laidy in her pop, and she so tired and you wasn't here. I'm a helper, we are fine!" She snickered at him and went back to zipping her jacket. It was a windy day at the beach.
I cleared my throat, uncomfortable. "You heard the girl. She's a helper. It will be fine. Tenley, are you sure you don't want to come? We might pick out treats."
"No, I don't want to! Shhh Ariel is talkin'."
Right. After naptime we put on a movie. But I had to go shopping for dinner, so I asked for a helper or two to come with me. Tenley loved the supermarket, but I couldn't compete with "The Little Mermaid." Something told me Jackson could put basketball on right now and I still couldn't compete. But Ariel? I had no shot.
"Tenley Justine! You should come acause mama is only on a visit and she love food shopping wit you and you love it, stupid! Who cares about a movie you see a million times?"
"Hey! Shh say you're sorry right now so I don't have to take a sticker off your chart, you have two strikes because disobeying daddy, remember? It's OK, I just need one helper. I'll give you a ride in the cart; we'll pick out a treat. It will be fun. I'm having such a good day because of you Arabella Catherine."
"Sorry just fer stupid and just 'cause mama asked me!" she huffed.
"Hey!" I saw it in his eyes, if she weren't right, if she weren't the child keeping me afloat today, this trip would be over before it started.
"Give daddy a kiss and let's go."
"Why?"
"Please don't be sassy with me, too, Bellie. Just do it so we can go." She obliged, and head out the door before I was finished kissing him.
"Mama, one time when I was playing with Anne she ask-ted why you look different than daddy."
"Oh yeah, what'd you say?"
"'Who cares it's my turn to be the mom now.' 'Cause we was playin' house."
"Great answer."
"Why'd she ask me that, mom?"
"That's a good question for daddy….Listen, I need you to do something for me. Stop talking back to daddy. Why are you doing that? You know you can have fun with both of us?" I wasn't deflecting her question for any reason other than Jackson was the better parent to answer it. And the opening to address her behavior was too big.
"I know that." She groaned, but took the cheddar I handed her for Jackson's mac & cheese. "Daddy is who made you tired. Tenley should be mad at him but she's not."
"I don't want either of you to be mad at him. This is too complicated for your little brain, Arabella. Just relax, ok? Have fun with our family."
"Tee isn't, she's mean to you."
"I think she's trying her best." I sighed, that was all I had.
Thankfully her attention span was short today. "Mama, why in the world are you makin' two dinners, one just for daddy?"
I laughed. "I'm gonna eat it too, maybe…probably not actually, you're right. You know how you need special time alone with each of us?" She nodded. "Well mom and dad need alone time with each other. I want to do something special him because he takes such good care of us and he deserves it. So, I'm making his fave fried chicken meal. And I'm making my girls chicken stir fry…"
"Because Tee wanted it."
I shrugged. "And it's healthy…what veggies do you want in it? We gotta put broccoli…what else? You pick." We rolled into the vegetable aisle.
"Carrots!" She beamed up at me, proud of herself.
"Good choice. I'm gonna grab some asparagus too."
"'Sparagus?" She wrinkled her nose at me.
"Yeah. You've had it before. We all like it. Maybe I'll made daddy some for on the side of his chicken. Weird, but he needs something healthy. And we've got to grab olives and mushrooms for the stir fry."
"Why don't we get mac & cheese? It's my fave too."
"I'll make it for you, soon. But tell me what you've had for dinner, lately?"
She shrugged. "Not always bad stuff. One time he burn-ded fish sticks and eve-one had a bad night and we eated turkey sandwiches astead cause daddy sayed 'Ok, fine…I can't make you eat deese. But grandma Karen maked us food she putted in da freezer for daddy."
"That's good, I'm glad." I rolled my eyes slightly, and reached for the peppers before we left the vegetable aisle.
"No mama! Not those unless you want Tee not to eat dinner, then daddy will be mad and…oh my God, it will be crazy."
"We can talk about it. She'll pick them out."
"No mama!" She stopped my arm before the peppers made it in the cart. "Trust me, mom. OK? I know she can't do that where she take it out anymore. Don't know why she have a hard time eatin'. But she does." Arabella sighed. And the exhaustion behind it prompted me to put the peppers back.
"I trust you. You worry so much about your sisters. I don't want you to. Daddy is doing such a good job. And I will be back soon. And I'm getting better, so things will be different. You just have to be a kid. Promise you'll try?"
"Mama, what are we gonna do when you get home?"
"Just spend more time together, like this weekend."
"We going to 'hio or Boston?"
"Nah! None of those places sound fun to me. Where else do you want to go?" My home in Ohio used to be a sanctuary for me. When I went back after being fired from Seattle Grace the second time, I'd hang out with my pigs and my horses and mama would make tea every night and we'd read scripture and talk about the next steps I could take in my life.
But now? Everything was different. All through our therapy session, she kept coming back to how I should've turned to scripture or called my family for help. Ultimately, she had a point. My subtle hints at Jackson weren't working. But she was just offering alternatives because she was disgusted I'd even think of burdening my husband with my troubles first. So the Averys wouldn't be visiting the Kepner farm for a while. Boston was a better choice, but I mostly associated it with Jackson being away on business. I knew that even the one time a year we were there for Christmas, he was stressed. I didn't want that for our children or us. We needed to heal ourselves before visiting anyone else.
"But mama! I want to visit my horses!"
"Daddy will buy you a horse in Washington. You guys love them so much, maybe we'll get some closer to home." My girls were not exactly spoiled; they earned most of their toys and treats. Jackson didn't buy them farm animals on a whim. But he could. If I asked him to, he wouldn't hesitate.
Even after five and a half years of marriage, it was still difficult for me to get used to that. When we agreed that the girls would go to private school, it was weird to me that tuition wasn't an issue at all, even though it was a compromise between public and boarding school. He just researched my top three elementary picks and brought home dinner when she was officially accepted into our first choice. He guided me through the process. A year before she started.
Growing up, we weren't poor. But at least half of my wardrobe consisted of Libby's hand-me-downs. So, it was new and kind of ridiculous to me that Jackson insisted on me buying new clothes for each of the girls all the time. But then again, my husband owned Nikes I every color of the rainbow; I shouldn't be surprised he cared how his daughters looked. He didn't mess around when it came to the important things but…
"No way daddy will jus' buy us more horses. That will take five or ten or twenty whole sticker charts mom! I don't have time for that! I just wanna visit Bandit!"
"All summer you can't fill up ten charts? I have all of your sticker charts since you were a baby. You've filled up so many. Gonna be too busy getting ready for Pegasus School?" It was one of the most normal names on the list Jackson would agree to. Anything with Saint, Lady, or Christ in the name was absolutely forbidden. At least whoever named Pegasus had some imagination, and the academic rigor passed Jackson's test, whatever that was.
She let out a huge sigh. "Let's not talk about it yet. Let's just get sperries fer a treat and go home."
"Strawberries? You get to pick dessert and that's all you want?"
"They my and Daddy's fave and you said be nicer."
"You are absolutely right. Great idea. I think I want to get some melting chocolate to dip them in, what do you think?"
"Mom, you are the one who sayed this was aposed to be healthy meal fer us," she reminded me, rolling her eyes.
She had a point. I'd gotten extremely caught up in thinking about eating those strawberries with my husband when the kids were asleep. "Oh, I have missed you so much, diva." I kissed her from her spot inside the cart. "You are absolutely right, again. But you know what? Chocolate-covered strawberries are still pretty healthy."
"If you say so."
"I do. Now hop out, please. We're almost ready to go and I need you to help me check out."
Jackson
The tears appeared as soon as I put the plate in front of her. But I'd been dealing with it all day and I was committed to getting the girls to bed early.
"I need aparts plate," she sniffled.
"Sorry Tee, I didn't pack it." I shrugged.
"I need to take Braelyn's."
"No you don't Tenley. Come on, mom and Bellie made this dinner because you wanted it. Maybe you should've helped them cook when they asked you if you didn't want everything mixed together."
"Yeah, Tenley. We asked you to. I eben helped make daddy's mac and cheesy."
April turned from feeding Brae, finger to her lips to remind Bellie to mind her own business. Tee loved to cook with her mom, before. It was really hard watching her insist on doing a puzzle with Brae and I when it was obvious how much April wanted her to be in that kitchen.
"Daddy apart it."
"Nope. You can separate it yourself on the Ariel plate if you really need to."
"You apposed to eat stir fry together." Bellie whispered to April.
"I know. Did we make a yummy dinner for you, cub?" She kissed Brae's forehead, and I saw her wipe a tear from her eye.
Dinner was Tenley's worst meal of the day. She separated every element of the stir-fry, and counted every single piece of food she put in her mouth. To speed things up, April did chocolate-covered strawberries with Bellie and Brae in the dining room. But she was cleaning up as she went, just to check in on us, furiously wiping away tears between rooms. She might've fooled the girls, but not me.
I got Tenley to eat a few chocolate-less strawberries and then we split up bedtime. The babies were easier to handle than the big girls at night. Brae was sometimes asleep before the little cardboard books we read her were even open. April's bedtime routine went quicker than mine. I found her, head bowed in prayer at the table in front of our dinner. "Starting the date without me?" I asked, smirking when she looked up.
"No, sorry. Just…Just praying for Tenley." She burst into tears.
"Shhh…Hey, shhh. Did I interrupt?' It was totally the wrong thing to say. The tears became sobs, the sobs guttural way too quickly. "April, hey…relax sweetheart, come here…was saltwater mac and cheese on your original menu….because...I mean it is now." She didn't even look up to roll her eyes at me. "Will you please get up and come sit on my lap. Let's eat."
"You-u-u n-n-n-ever ask that. I c-c-c-an't e-e-at on y-y-y-our lap." She was right. I'd never asked her if I'd interrupted before. Because I was always sure I didn't. I didn't mind waiting patiently for her to finish. This time, I'd just wanted to make sure she said everything she needed to.
"Who says? Come on. I wanna talk to you. We haven't really had a second all day."
She complied, sniffling. "She had a bad day."
"Did you, too?" She nodded.
"I've never seen her that bad. And I'm sorry today was hard for you."
"Bellie…"
"Oh no, what'd she say babe?" It was probably the truth. I'd just have to take the attitude out of it.
"She worries too much about everyone. She has anxiety, too!" She'd been calming down, but as soon as she said those words, the sobs started again. "What have I done to my babies?"
"We? What have we done? We made a mess, huh? But we're cleaning it up. Two of our babies have bad anxiety. But you wanna know the good news? Two of them have no idea what's going on." This time, I got a smile.
"No medication, Jackson. They're too young."
"I agree. If the topic comes up, I will shut it down. Woodall already knows. And most of what Tee did today was for control. That's why I was so hard on her. It's a little bit of anxiety, but mostly she just wants to see how far she can push me. But come on, let's eat. You've been slaving away all night."
She shrugged. "Everything took a couple hours, you deserve it. Bellie helped with everything, pretty much. She's a great little sous chef."
"I know. She told me I better eat everything please, she and mama worked very hard."
"She said that? 'You better eat it, please?'"
"Yeah. And she was very generous with goodnight kisses."
"Yeah well, I asked her to be kinder to her daddy. I don't think you can handle that sass for too long."
"Oh really?" I raised my eyebrows and she nodded, taking the forkful of pasta I offered her. "Less talking, more eating. That's what I have to say about that." She laughed. I would eat cold chicken for dinner every night if it meant I got to hear that sound.
April
"You're being too good right now." We'd finished the strawberries that I'd made for us, and were laying on the couch sometimes kissing, mostly just being together. It was nice lying on my husband's chest. But we could've been having sex. Slow, careful, deliberate, the kind you can have when the kids are asleep.
"Do I get an extra sticker on my chart?" he asked, pecking my lips.
"Mmm you could be getting so much more than stickers right now, mister. What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong, babe. We were having a good time. I just…not everything's about sex, right? We're working on that."
"Jackson, I want sex tonight. I'm working on that. Telling you what I want, what I need."
"Oh, you need it? Who am I to deny you?" He tried to scoop me up, but I stopped him.
"I didn't say right this second. And you don't want it. That's a problem."
"April, come on. I always want you. You cooked a great dinner; we were relaxing after dessert…we weren't at the bedroom yet…we were getting there. I think. Don't you think?'
I shrugged. "Just…if it's me or….my body or…."
"Your body? When has that ever been…have I ever made you feel like that before?"
I shook my head. He loved me so much, and showing that had always been easiest during sex. He'd always loved my body. Any pressure I ever felt to get my body back into shape was pretty much my own doing. Sometimes he made an innocent comment like, "you look pretty, babe," and it inspired me to work out more, but that was it.
"Just…we haven't really had sex since Laidy was born. Besides the night before…everything. Our circumstances haven't been the best. But….as soon as we had the chance, you didn't want to."
"You didn't want to. You got angry. And I'm not in the business of forcing you to have sex, so…"
"All day you were putting me off. I know we have kids and a marriage to work on but…Jackson, you napped."
"I was tired. Can we stop this now? You are gorgeous, we could be having sex right now, and there's a present for you on the bed."
"OK," I shrugged and let him pick me up.
"I missed that," he whispered after a long kiss while he was carrying me to the bedroom. "I missed you. I can't wait to get these clothes off you." I blushed and he smirked, enjoying it.
Sometimes I didn't know how we were together, because of little things like that. For almost six years….he whispered innocent things, I blushed, he smirked. I'd undress, he'd whisper dirtier things and….it worked for us, most of the time. But sometimes I wondered…what did he have before? Did he ever wish he could have one night with someone else again? Not malicious thoughts of cheating. But just…for fun.
Part of my therapy was to learn to speak up, everywhere. "Who was your best…beside me? Tell me your best night…What'd she do?"
He raised his eyebrows, surprised for a second, but Jackson Avery rarely missed a beat. "Well…she wore this dress…"
"Mmmhmmm."
"A really sexy dress…"
"Hmm…"
"A wedding dress. And even though she thought it was unlucky because she was supposed to marry someone else in it, I undressed her. And please don't tell her father but…I'm pretty sure we made a baby the night before we were actually married, even though she vehemently disagrees, and insists it was our wedding night."
I smacked him. "I was serious. I was trying to…"
"So was I!" I was still in his arms, in the bedroom. "Here. Open this." He handed me the box and then quickly dropped me off in the bathroom and shut the door, locking it.
"Babe…why'd you lock it?" I smiled at the door, putting my hand to it.
"Just open the box."
I giggled, complying. I liked him to buy me lingerie. I didn't like to wear anything in particular, except what he liked. He knew what not to buy. So when I opened the box, it was clear why he locked the door. "Jackson Avery, what is rule number one?"
"What? I can't hear you…"
"Open this door…"
"April, I have twisted you like a pretzel while we were naked in an on call room before we were married…."
"Still!"
"I see you naked all of the time…eventually I'm gonna take that off you…you know that! Obviously…"
"Eventually, Jackson! But you have a plan and I just had a baby! I was just talking about my insecurities."
"Baby? Speaking of babies, there's one at the door and one screaming through the monitor. Fifteen minutes tops, depending on how long Adelaide takes to get down."
"Just open the door first. Who cares where I dress? What if you watch? You love that…that's fun…being naked and not letting you touch…why am I in here alone anyway? Jacks…Jackson Harper…" But he was gone. I groaned against the door, frustrated.
Jackson
"Are you ready?" I asked, when I got back. It took fifteen minutes, not because of Laidy, because of Tenley. She wasn't used to me just telling her she should be in bed and taking her back there without saying more. She tried to get up again one more time, but I was right in her room and refused to lay down with her. I knew she'd been playing control games most of the day. But the reason was to keep me close, and she needed to do that to help her 'worries.' But I had someone else's worries to ease, too. I owed my wife attention.
"I'm against the door, fully clothed. I wore this dress for you." I smirked, picturing her flirty eyes, face a little flush just from admitting she cared that I noticed her dress tonight. It was a little shorter than usual, a bit tighter.
"I know, thank you. Particularly enjoyed the view when you were squatting to help Bellie cut her food."
"Jackson…" It wasn't the embarrassed tone that would usually accompany a playful slap. She knew where I was going to go next and didn't like it.
"You have a great butt."
"Maybe had. Now I have a 'mom of a three-month-old' butt and I'm not even being a great mom."
"Stop! You are being the best mom right now. I can't even imagine what life would be like for the girls if…well anyway…I'm proud of you, April."
"Thank you. But g-strings are against the rules. I floss my teeth, not my…" It was just a simple, pale pink garment.
"Wow, noted. OK, don't wear it then. When you said that stuff about your body…I was just hoping that being stuck alone with a mirror..."
"And a g-string?" I knew she was wrinkling her nose at me right now.
"…And your body…and my gift…that you might be able to see what I see. But if you don't want to, that's fine."
"Are you mad? I usually love what you buy me. You're good at picking stuff out to make us both happy."
"I know. I thought I'd just try something new. It's not a big deal. It's unlocked. Come out. I just want to start the kissing."
"Hi, sorry," she whispered when she came out of the room and handed me the box, unable to make eye contact.
I put it on the dresser, and caught the tears in her eyes. "Hey. We'll just put it away for another day, sweetheart. What's wrong?"
"I don't know. I was just looking in the mirror when you were gone and…I know I'm doing good work. I am making progress and I'm ready to come home and keep working on things with you and the girls. But today was so hard for me Jackson. I went back to who I was before so quickly this morning. I'm scared. Tenley's scared. I'm in between. I don't know who this person is right now."
"Oh, I do, April. I see you."
"Who do you see?"
"I see my beautiful my wife trying to figure it out. And making mistakes and fixing them. And then making great choices like feeding the girls fresh vegetables for dinner."
"No. Who do you see?"
"That was some real stuff right there. That's who I see. You want me start talking about your butt again? You shut that down pretty quickly two seconds ago."
"Yeah. You can talk about my butt if you want. I need to know why you want to start the kissing."
"Because I love you so much, you are such a good kisser," I pulled her close to prove me right.
"Keep going please."
"Ok…but let's just be honest, you want me to talk dirty to you." I let one of her straps fall, but turned my attention to her neck.
"Not necessarily," she giggled as I led her to bed. "I just need to know what you love about me."
"I love your eyes. Your eyes turn me on so much, you don't even know." She liked that answer and interrupted me with a kiss so she could start undo my belt. "Don't you want to know why?" She nodded. "Because 90 percent of the time when you look into my eyes I know you know exactly what I'm thinking, even if whatever it is drives you crazy and that's the best feeling in the world."
And also the scariest. Which is probably part of the reason why I escaped to work often. But tonight wasn't the night to get into that part of it. "What are you laughing at, we haven't started yet." She'd burst out as soon as I slid her dress down her body.
"It's so true, even in the OR. Remember Bohkee's eyes when we'd advise each other against a specific technique before we even said it out loud?"
"Yep. Do you miss that, sweetheart?"
"No," she said, too quickly. "I missed that." She was referring to the trail of kisses I was placing underneath the band of her underwear.
I pulled it up and she squirmed in anticipation and frustration. "Do you want me to keep talking, or…" I started kissing her thighs, her unhealed gashes, and she gasped but didn't ask me to stop. I wouldn't have and she knew it.
"Yes, talk."
"I love your neck," I said, climbing on top of her when I was ready to whisper in her ear. "Because trailing kisses down your neck is the easiest way to drive you crazy." I did it, and she squealed, proving the point. "And I love the belly that carried our babies…and you know I love those." Impatient, she'd taken off her own bra. "I just love you. All of you. I don't have enough words. Can I show you, now?"
"Yes, please. Show me."
"Ok."
"Ok."
"What should we do? What do you want?"
"You want me to show you one I learned from yoga at the hospital?"
"Show me everything." I'd barely remembered some patients had access to yoga classes, let alone that it doubled as sex therapy. But I wasn't going to complain at all.
April
We made love for hours, really connecting for the first time since I was pregnant. I drifted off to sleep in his arms, sometime soon after he returned from getting Laidy down to sleep. I felt him kiss my shoulder and couldn't help but smile when my mind went back to the morning, when I resisted those same kisses
It was an odd thing to smile about, really. I woke up stressed, afraid, and essentially alone. Arabella couldn't count as support anymore. That wasn't fair to her. Jackson and I argued about serious issues we'd have to re-visit, but we moved past it and didn't let it ruin our day. We didn't blame each other for Tenley's struggles. We'd made time for each other, and somehow fit in romance, sex, and communication. The mirror moment while I was alone was hard for me, but I'd explained it as best I could. It wasn't a perfect day. It wasn't a sad one. But I'd survived in between.