Living with the choice Chapter 21, an eastenders fanfic

Amira: Syed? Syed, are you awake?

He lay as still as he could as he felt her slide next to him in the bed, her hand making its way up his back, inside his t-shirt. He'd never worn clothes to bed until a month ago.

Amira: Syed?

Her hand moved down and around his side. She gently began to stroke him through his trousers her softness barely felt on his limp cock. He faked a moan and shuffled further onto his side, hoping she would take the hint and leave him alone.

Amira: Night babe

He heard the sadness in her sigh as she lay down next to him, defeated.

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After what felt like the longest 30 minutes of his life, Syed could hear her heavy breathing and knew that she fast asleep. He crept out of the bed as quietly as he could, grabbed his clothes and made his way down the stairs. As soon as he closed the kitchen door behind him he dressed as quickly as he could and slipped out the door into the freezing night, seeing Christian's light in his flat as he looked through the bushes.

He couldn't help but smile a little.

Christian : Are you?

Christian's mind wasn't in the same place as his body. Physically he was in his flat with Andy, topping up on the vodka. But mentally, emotionally even, he was outside the club again, Syed's lips on his and what it had meant. Why did he kiss him? Why now? And why was he stupid enough to do it where anyone could see them?

Andy: Of course I am. You did the right thing.

His voice brought Christian's thoughts crashing back into the room, back into reality.

Christian: Did I?

His voice was distant, doubtful. At the time, pushing him away seemed like the only plausible thing to do. But now? Now he was starting to regret it. What would have happened if he'd have pulled him closer to him instead? Kissed him back so passionately that they'd both have gasped for more? Would he have been back here with him instead of Andy?

Andy: Do you really want to fall back into the same pattern as before? I mean, can you really see yourself coping with being second best again? Always looking over your shoulder, never spending any proper time with him?

Christian : It'd be better than nothing.

Andy: Don't be so ridiculous!! How can that be better than nothing?!

Christian: Because I'd still have him!

Andy: No, you wouldn't! He still wouldn't be yours. You go back like that and you'll still be second best. As long as you fall over yourself for him him the way you do, as long as you play by his rules and do whatever he says he's never going to choose you is he? He'll never put you first! So what? You go back to him, seeing him only when he could sneak out at night. Arrange sordid secret meetings every now and then and have him call all the shots? That's not a relationship Christian, that's an affair! And you're better than that. You're worth so much more.

Christian sighed. He was right, he knew he was. But it didn't make it hurt any less. His head hung low and he brought his hands up, just to hold its dead weight.

Andy: And what happens when she gets pregnant? Would you keep on seeing him? Its bad enough hurting Amira, but a child? You'd never be able to live with yourself, and then you'll just be back where you are now, going through it all over again. I'm just trying to save you the heartache again.

Christian: I know.

Andy moved to sit in front of him on the floor, his hands resting on Christian's knees.

Andy: Christian, I know this is hard but you will get over it, you'll get over him. You'll find someone and you will be happy. But how long that takes is up to you. The longer you think of him the longer it'll take and the longer it'll hurt. There's no easy way out of this, but there is a way. You just have to find it.

Christian: Meaning?

Andy: Go out, have fun, do whatever it takes to get him out of your head.

Christian: In other words, go out, go on the pull and sleep with the first guy I see?.

Andy reached up and took Christian's head from his hands and stared into his eyes, his voice turned to a soft whisper.

Andy: Who says you need to go out to do that?

Christian saw him move towards him, his lips parting as his eyes closed, shocked that he wasn't even thinking of moving away from him, telling him to stop. Maybe he was right. Maybe that was the only way to get over him. It had worked so many times in the past. And here was someone who wanted him. Someone who he could walk down the street with, hold hands with, introduce him as his boyfriend.

There would be no secrets with Andy, no hiding. Just a normal relationship. But was that what he really wanted?

Before he could decide whether or not to move into him, to kiss him, the buzzer went, making him jump and Andy sigh.

Andy: Who's outside at this time of night?

Christian smiled, trying to hide his indecision

Andy: Stay there.

He smiled at Christian, oblivious to the conflict going on in his head and walked over to pick up the phone.

Andy: Hello?

Outside, Syed opened his mouth to speak, only to close it again as he realised that wasn't Christian's voice.

Andy:Hello?

He was there? Alone with him?

Syed: Where's Christian?

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Andy: He's a bit… busy at the moment Syed. Call back in the morning.

Christian shot to his feet as soon as he heard his name, almost running over to grab the phone from Andy's hand but he put the phone back on it's receiver before Christian got there and turned back around to face him, his hand reaching Christian's before he could pick the phone back up.

Andy: He'll only hurt you again.

Christian: What did you tell him that for? Now he'll think…

Andy: What? What will he think? That you're moving on. That you're getting over him? Good. Let him think it Christian because that's what you need to do.

He reached over to touch his cheek but Christian moved away from him angrily.

Christian: It's too soon Andy. It's only been a week!

Andy: It's been longer than that! 1 week since you last slept with him yeah. But how long since he got married? How long since he actually ended it? It's been longer than you think. You just wont let him go.

Christian: And you think sex is the answer is it?

Andy: No.

His smile turned naughty.

Andy: I am... Let me show you what it's like to have someone love you back, love you totally. I can do that, you know I can.

His hand moved to Christian's face but this time he didn't move away. He let him touch him, let him gently brush his fingers over his stubble.

Andy: Let me be here for you. Let me make it all just go away.

He tried to forget him, tried not to picture him outside his door. Tried to focus on the man in front of him, how his touch should warm him. But he couldn't. All he could think of how there was no spark between them. There was no instant burning inside of him like when Syed touched him. Andy was just another random man in his head.

Andy: You know I'm right.

His face moved into him again, the same look on his face, eyes closed, parted lips. Christian's head was swimming with so many thoughts, so many undecided decisions that he simply reacted out of instinct as as lips met his.

Syed was still outside, still staring at the door before him. The door to the only place in the world that he could be himself and never feel guilty for it. Never feel that he was being judged for his thoughts.

So many images were going through his head that they just became a blur. But one seemed to stand out more than the others. Christian and Andy. Together. In his bed.

Christian responded to his kiss gently and closed his eyes. His lips gently pushed against Andy's, his tongue reluctant to leave his own mouth.

He felt Andy's hand travel slowly up his chest, the slight tugging of his shirt as he began to undo his buttons and the roughness of his hands as they travelled over his bare chest.

Christian could hear he heart screaming at him to stop him, he could almost feel it cry as he realised he was betraying it by letting someone other than Syed touch him. But his mind was telling him that what Andy had said made sense. Syed would never choose him. He'd never have him.

He pulled away from him as Syed's face flashed in his mind, almost looking at him guiltily.

Christian: I'm sorry.

Andy: Don't be.

Andy moved into him again, his smile so wide that he was finally getting what he wanted, what he'd waited for.

Syed rang the buzzer again. He had no idea what he was going to say to him. What could he say to him? He'd told him to get on with his life, to be happy. But Andy wasn't the one to do that.

Christian pulled away from him as he heard it ring again, glad of the interruption, of the thought of Syed outside.

Andy: Can't he get the message?!

He picked up the receiver again.

Andy: Yes?

Syed: I want to see him.

Andy: Like I said, we're busy.

He deliberately emphasied the 'we' just to give him a clearer picture.

Syed: I'm not leaving until I've spoken to him.

Andy: You'll be in for a long wait then.

He slammed the receiver back down and turned back to him.

Andy: Now, where were we?

Christian never got to answer, instead he jumped from the pounding coming from downstairs.

Christian: He's going to break the door down!

Andy went to open the door, his face like thunder as he realised his carefully structured plan was unravelling quickly, but Christian stopped him.

Christian: Leave him! Leave him to me.

He opened the door and ran down the stairs, his heart hammering in his chest as he could hear Syed calling his name, almost begging him to answer him.

When he opened the door he stood there, shocked. Syed's face was full of sorrow, desperation even, and his eyes red and sodden.

Christian: Sy?

Syed: I'm sorry OK. I'm sorry for what I did earlier. But he isn't the answer. He's... he's...

Christian: What?

Syed: He's not right for you!!!

His voice broke as his tears continued to trickle down his face.

Christian: What are you doing here?

Syed: I don't know!

Christian saw the full extent of what being away from him was doing to Syed. For the first time since they'd parted he looked at him properly and saw a man he barely recognised. His eyes were heavy and dark from his obvious lack of sleep, his face showed signs of suffering, pain even, but it was his tiny frame that shocked him. In the space of a week Syed had lost so much weight that his clothes hung on him.

Syed: Please Christian, I'm falling apart. I don't know what to do! I can't stop thinking about you, I can't stop wanting you, needing you! I miss you. I can't...

Christian: Hey. Its OK Syed, clam down.

He stepped out of the door way and held out his arms, feeling the instant glow inside him as he fell into him, wrapping his arms around his waist and holding him tightly. Christian felt his entire body glow from the closeness, the intimacy he missed so much. He buried his face in his hair as he kissed the top of his head, feeling Syed's tears soak his chest.

Syed: I'm sorry.

Christian: Stop saying that. Its OK

Syed: How is it OK? I can't live without you. I need you.

Christian smiled at his words, quickly feeling guilty for doing so. Syed was hurting, badly. He had no right to feel happy that he still wanted him because he was the one that he was hurting over. It was his fault he was in this state.

Andy: You coming back up babe?

Syed went to pull away from him at the sound of his voice but Christian held him closer to him. He didn't care what he'd say to him, how he'd react. He needed to be with Syed.

Christian: I think you should go.

Andy: What?

Christian: Please. I'll call you in the morning.

Andy stared at him, his face both angry and disappointed. He looked at Syed as he buried his face in his chest and smiled vindictively.

Andy: Sure. We can pick up where we left off tomorrow.

He leant over and kissed Christian's cheek before turning to walk away.

Syed: Sorry I spoilt your evening.

Christian laughed.

Christian: Don't be. You just saved me from making a big mistake! Come on. I'll make you a coffee.