Chapter 21

'What's that you've got?' Peter asked as he returned with a couple of beers.

Neal's eyes moved from the pamphlet he'd been holding in his hands up to Peter's quizzical gaze.

'It's for a support group... you know, for families' Neal said as he handed it over to Peter.

'Are you thinking of going to one of the meetings?' Peter asked as he looked over the information.

'I don't know...' Neal answered, hesitant. 'I've never been much of a 'support group' kind of guy.'

Peter waited for a moment, studying Neal's face; those worry lines were making a repeat appearance as they seemed to be doing a lot more lately.

'Is Sara still shutting you out?' he asked, concerned.

Neal let out a long, painful sigh. 'I just don't get it' he admitted. 'When we went away to the cottage, I felt like we were really connecting. We shared everything... she told me about her fears, her anger... but since her first chemo, she's totally shut me out.'

Peter listened as Neal poured his heart out, hearing the hurt and anguish in his voice. As his best friend, he could only do so much and he feared he wasn't up to the task of advising him in this difficult situation.

Neal had seen Sara like this on occasion, focussed and absorbed especially when she got wrapped up in a particularly challenging case at work – but he'd always been able to pull her out of funk. This time around, there was none of their usual playful banter and none of the frequent fleeting touches and warm, longing looks. Neal had chalked it up to the fact that she was tired, which she was, napping twice a day and just generally feeling listless and out of sorts. But, even in bed, where they'd always found solace in each others' arms, Sara was pushing him away and no amount of cajoling seemed to be enough to bring her back to him.

'Why don't we take Hope for a night and you two can go out for a nice dinner somewhere?' Peter suggested.

'I tried that. She says she's too tired to go out anywhere.' Neal said, his voice sad.

Peter nodded; Neal looked defeated, so unlike his usual positive self with his optimistic view of the world. Come to think of it, El had mentioned that her usual attempts at connecting with Sara had also met with failure.

'I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Maybe I'm pushing too hard or... maybe I'm not pushing hard enough' Neal said, his voice sad. His eyes came up to meet Peter's. 'I miss her.'

Peter felt useless; he didn't know what the best course of action was but seeing Neal like this was tearing him apart.

'Maybe it would do you good to talk to other people who are going through the same thing' Peter suggested as he glanced down at the flyer in his hand. 'It can't hurt.'

WCWCWC

It was the Sunday before her second chemotherapy treatment and Sara had gone to bed before Neal, leaving him to put Hope to bed and lock up. By the time he made it into their bedroom, he found her curled up on her left side, her body wrapped up in a small ball. He prepared for bed in silence, unsure whether or not she was already asleep. It was killing him to see her like this, so unresponsive and shut down. He slid in under the blankets, and spooned her, his body curled up against hers as he felt her stiffen up at his usually welcome touch. He missed her warmth and her laughter and he needed to feel close to her, to be there for her. He recalled the intimacy they'd shared the week they'd gone away to the cottage, how she'd opened up about wanting to have another baby, how afraid she was of what was ahead.

In another couple of days, the cycle would start all over again and he feared that she would hold him to his misguided promise to keep Hope from seeing her mom in pain.

'Honey? Are you awake?' he ventured as he pressed his body against hers in an attempt to connect.

His words were met with silence and he laced his arms tightly around Sara's waist in an effort to feel her warm body against his. He buried his face in her soft hair, breathing in her wonderful fragrance and finding comfort in the feel of her body.

'I love you' he whispered as she lay, not moving.

Sara could feel Neal's warm body against hers as she pretended to sleep. More than anything, she wanted to give in to him, to let herself melt into his loving arms. Instead, she thought ahead to the coming week; in a few days, the cycle would start all over again and she would be sick and sore and raw. She just couldn't allow herself to share any kind of intimacy with Neal right now – if she let her guard down, the floodgates would open and she would lose all control over her emotions, something she wasn't prepared to do.

Neal didn't need to know just how much pain she was in or just how scared she was. Every time she looked at him, she could see her pain reflected in his eyes and the less he knew about what she was going through, the better. She knew he was feeling helpless – he kept telling her that he wished he could go through this ordeal instead of her – but that wasn't how things worked and she just didn't want to see the hurt and pain in his eyes every time she looked at him.

She was strong – everyone always told her so – she just needed to hang on until the treatments were over and she could go back to her wonderful life.

WCWCWC

Neal wandered up the hallway at Sloan Kettering looking for Room 206E. To be honest, he wasn't quite sure what he was doing there but, at this point, anything was better than standing by and feeling so powerless. All he knew was that Sara was shutting him out and he needed to talk to somebody about it, somebody who would understand what he was going through. The smell of good coffee floated in the air – he hoped it was coming from the 'Families of Cancer Patients Support Group' and not some other meeting or workshop. Sure enough, he turned the corner and followed his nose, finding himself in a small meeting room where chairs were placed in a circle with two men already seated as a third one stood to greet him.

'Hi, I'm Jason Goodwin' the man said shaking Neal's hand.

'Neal Caffrey' he responded, looking nervously around the room.

'First time at a support group meeting, huh?' asked Jason.

'Am I that obvious?' countered Neal with a smile.

'No, it's just that I'm the group leader and I've never seen you here before' the man responded. 'Why don't you grab a coffee; we'll get started in about five minutes.'

Neal nodded and walked over to get a cup of coffee as one of the two men rose to do the same.

'Hi' he said, smiling. 'I'm Paul.'

'Neal'

'It's my first time, too' Paul admitted. 'I thought I'd give it a whirl.'

Neal just nodded. He was really starting to think he'd made a big mistake by coming here. He should be able to deal with this stuff by himself instead of talking about it to people he'd never even met. He didn't want to bare his soul to complete strangers but he was at a loss and he worried that, if he didn't do something, Sara would build a wall around her that would eventually become impenetrable.

A couple of other people walked in – a young woman in her early twenties and a man Neal recognized from Sara's first chemo treatment – Gino, Clara's husband.

'Hey Gino' said Neal, happy to have at least one familiar face to relate to. Gino smiled politely and Neal realized the older man might not even remember meeting him.

'Neal, Sara's husband …. from chemo?' he said, putting out his hand in greeting.

'Oh, yes, hello' Gino answered in his thick Italian accent.

Jason's voice was heard echoing through the room as he invited everyone to take a seat. Neal glanced around at the diverse group of people, all of whom were struggling in some way with helping a loved one and despite the fact they'd never met, he felt a certain kinship with the people around him.

'Good evening everyone, my name is Jason and I'm your group leader' Jason began. 'My mom is a breast cancer survivor and I got involved with the group when she was going through her treatments four years ago. The group helped me a lot and I decided to volunteer and see if I could help others who were going through the same thing.'

There was an uneasy silence as everyone glanced around nervously.

'This is a very informal group. If you want to share, you can; if not, you can just listen. I think you'll find that we all have something in common. We all have a loved one struggling with cancer and we're not quite sure how we can support them and take care of our feelings and emotions at the same time.'

That seemed to resonate with people because there was a nervous laughter throughout the room as he spoke.

'You know, everybody reacts differently to having cancer. Some people need a lot of support while others tend to isolate themselves and still others, like my mom, want to pretend nothing is happening and continue to take care of everyone around them.'

Again, an uneasy giggle as Neal looked around the room.

'Maybe we can start with everyone introducing themselves. Tell us whatever you want us to know about what brought you here' Jason suggested.

'My name is Paul' said the man Neal had met at the coffee table. He seemed like a chatty fellow and Neal was relieved to have a short reprieve before it was his turn to speak. 'I'm here to get some support because my sister has been diagnosed with colon cancer and I'm her only relative.'

Next was the young woman who couldn't be more that twenty years old. When she spoke, her voice trembled and she kept her eyes downcast as she introduced herself. 'My name is Dina. My dad has pancreatic cancer and he's in the hospital. I'm having trouble coping…'

Neal realized it was his turn and he hesitated for a moment before speaking – baring his soul to absolute strangers wasn't something he was used to doing. He took a deep breath and gave one of his smiles, although muted. 'My name is Neal. My wife... has ovarian cancer and she just started chemo treatments. I want to know how I can support her the best way I can.'

Gino sat to Neal's left and everyone turned to look at him expectantly. 'I'm Gino' he said softly, 'and I'm here because... my wife told me to come.'

There was laughter in response to his honesty and everyone seemed to relax a little, realizing they were all in the same boat.

There was one other man in the room who'd been very quiet up until this point. He seemed anxious but when he spoke, his voice was very calm and serene. 'My name is Harold. My wife is on her second bout with cancer and she's not doing very well with her treatments.'

Neal studied the man. He remembered Janet mentioning her husband – Harold. She'd explained how he was struggling with early onset Alzheimer's. Could this be the guy, Neal wondered.

Jason asked if anyone wanted to start and Paul spoke up. Neal estimated he was in his mid to late forties and he was dressed in a suit and tie, probably coming over straight from work just as Neal had.

'As I said, my sister has just been diagnosed with colon cancer and I'm just not sure how I'm supposed to behave' he admitted. 'She's upset a lot of the time and no matter what I say, it never seems to be the right thing. I'm confused about... how to talk to her.'

Everyone in the room looked at Paul with empathy as Jason spoke up. 'That's a common concern' he said. 'You don't know if you should talk about it or not talk about it, right? If you talk about it, you wonder if you're making it worse by having her focus on it – but believe me, it is always on her mind. The best thing you can do is to take your cue from your sister – let her decide if she needs to talk about it. The rest of the time, most people suffering with cancer just want to carry on living their lives. What I hear a lot from cancer patients is that cancer doesn't define who they are and they don't want you to see them as victims.'

Harold piped up. 'My wife, Janet... she's the most amazing woman in the world. She is so positive and she lives every day fully but it doesn't hurt any less to know that she'll be gone soon.'

Neal listened as the man spoke, his voice strong yet obviously feeling vulnerable at the realization that he might be losing the woman he loved. He couldn't help but be impressed by the man's strength against such overwhelming odds.

'Does she let you how you can support her?' asked Jason.

'Oh, yeah' Harold said with a wide grin. 'She is so outspoken. She doesn't have much energy left but she's always wanting to try new things... and our sex life has been amazing' he volunteered as everyone giggled.

Neal thought of Janet, the little he knew of her, and he could see the free spirit in her – her way of telling it like it was and he could imagine her as the type of woman who would push the limits, not unlike Sara.

Dina looked shy but she was obviously in need of advice and support and that seemed to be enough to spur her on as she spoke up, sharing with the group.

'My dad's probably going to die within a couple of months' she admitted, her voice soft. 'It just happened so fast, you know. I'm in college and I always thought my dad would always be there – that he'd be there for my graduation and that he'd walk me down the aisle. I'm scared.' She began to cry softly and Paul who was sitting next to her patted her shoulder gently in comfort.

'That's a really tough situation, Dina' Jason agreed. 'Stuff like that shouldn't happen, you're right. Do you have people around you who can support you?'

'My mom and my brothers... but we all seem to be coping with our own shit, you know...'

'But you all love your dad' Jason reminded her. 'And sticking together will help you get through this.'

She nodded as she wiped her eyes.

Neal felt compelled to speak up; something about listening to others bare their soul made it feel safe to share his own pain and heartache.

'Well, I don't want to contradict Harold' he began with a grin. 'But my wife is the most amazing woman in the world.'

Everyone laughed as Neal continued. 'She's so strong and self-sufficient – those are exactly the qualities that drew me to her in the first place but... she's struggling and she's not letting me in and I feel totally helpless. All I want is to be with her even when she's feeling crappy but she keeps pushing me away.'

'Have you told her how you feel?' asked Jason.

'I've tried but... she's very pig-headed' he said, laughing wryly.

By the time the meeting ended, everyone was feeling a little more comfortable with one another; although there were no magical solutions to everyone's personal dilemmas, there was solace in knowing you weren't alone in having to cope with the pain and worry of having a loved one sick with cancer.

Neal stood to leave and was surprised when Harold walked up to him, putting a warm hand on his shoulder.

'I think my wife told me about your wife, Sara. She told me how she'd met this amazing woman at chemo a couple of weeks ago' the man said.

Neal looked at Harold who wasn't showing any obvious signs of his own struggle with disease. 'I met your wife too' Neal said, thinking back to crazy Janet. 'She seems like one strong lady.'

'You don't know the half of it' Harold said with a grin. 'I just wanted to say, don't give up, Neal. Keep talking to your wife – she'll let you in' he added mysteriously before walking away.

Neal didn't know why but he wanted to believe Harold who had spoken with such assurance and clarity; whatever he did, he couldn't give up on Sara letting him in.

WCWCWC

Arriving at the hospital for the second round of chemo was a totally different experience from the first time. Sara knew what she was getting into and she was actually looking forward to seeing some of the women again; spending six to eight hours locked in a room made for strange bedfellows and unusual alliances. She tried to talk Neal into dropping her off and coming back for her later but she lost that battle and the two of them entered the room at precisely 9:00 a.m. just as Janet was finishing up a joke about the top ten ways you know you're a cancer survivor.

'Number two' Janet was saying as they stepped in. 'Your mother-in-law invites you to lunch and you just say NO!'

'Hey Sara!' Janet called out. 'You're just in time to hear the top way to know you're a cancer survivor. Drum roll please' she said as Clara and Grace proceeded with the rolling sound. 'When you use your Visa card more than your hospital parking pass!'

Everyone groaned as Sara settled in at one of the comfy chairs by the window. Neal was pleased to see Harold at Janet's side and he went over to shake his hand.

'Nice to see you again, Harold' he said as the man smiled.

Clara was settled in the bed next to Janet and this time, a younger version of Gino was sitting next to her. Grace was sitting in a chair by the window with Kevin at her side and the mysterious young lady whose name Sara still didn't know was facing the wall with her eyes closed.

Sara was set up with her IV. She'd discussed it with Neal and she'd decided that she didn't want a port; having treatments was quite enough, she didn't want a constant reminder hanging off her body.

Jill arrived an hour later and the group of six from three weeks before was once again complete. The day seemed to fly – Neal went out and got them some sandwiches for lunch and without the drama of her first chemo experience, Sara prepared to leave at four o'clock armed with her prescription for her two little pills.

'Tell me about your reactions from the first round of chemo' asked Joanne as she took Sara's IV out of her arm.

Neal's ears perked up. He was anxious to hear what Sara had to say. She had done such an effective job of keeping him at arm's length; she was sharing more with her nurse than she had with him.

'Wednesday wasn't bad' Sara began. 'But Thursday was horrible – I had terrible muscle pain and every part of my body felt like it was being twisted. Friday was 'throw up day', all day' she added with a grin. '...and then I was just really run down for a couple of days. By the following week, I was feeling pretty good.'

'Well, here's the thing' Joanne said. 'The good news is the more you suffer with chemo side effects, the more effective your treatments are because it means the drugs are really having the desired effect on those cancer cells. The bad news is it will likely be the same, identical thing every cycle so please, brace yourself. Make sure you stay hydrated when you throw up all day and take some Advil for the muscle pain.'

Sara nodded as Neal looked on. 'Alright' she said with a loopy grin. 'Let the games begin.'

She took the hand that Neal was offering and she followed him out to the elevator.

TBC