Characters belong to Shonda. The rest is mine.
One More Try: Chapter Twenty-One
ELIZA'S POV
She took me back. I don't know why or how, but she has and I swear I can never mess this up with us again. I can never hurt her like I did. I couldn't face that heartbreak again. That complete look of her heart being crushed on her gorgeous face. I didn't do this intentionally, and thankfully she believes me, but that doesn't make any of this any easier to take or any easier to deal with. She is without a doubt the love of my life, and I put her through that pain. I made her doubt us. Doubt me. I feel awful for allowing Sasha to kiss me, but Arizona is right. It is in the past. It's gone. It's done. We have to move forward and we have to be amazing like we have been since we officially got together. It's the only thing that matters anymore. At least, to me it is.
Straightening myself out, I climb the steps of her porch and knock lightly on her door. We always leave the bar separately and right now, I cannot wait to see her. Having her lips on me a little while ago reassured me, and yeah…I need some more of that. I need some more of how she tastes. How they feel against my own. How they make my heart pound in my chest like I'm about to skydive thousands of feet. I just need her. Arizona. The most amazing woman in this world. Her door opening, she looks adorable and as she steps aside and allows me in, I catch sight of the most incredible Christmas tree I've ever witnessed. "Wow…" I breathe out. "That tree is beautiful, Arizona."
"You like it?" Her smile widens and she closes the door before stepping up behind me. "I wasn't sure you would, but you do?" She asks.
"It's breathtaking." I move a little closer to it and study her intricate work. "It's gorgeous."
"Thank you." She approaches me and wraps her arms around my waist. "Figured we would need a tree…"
"Why?" I furrow my brow and turn my head a little. We? "You won't even be here."
"Change of plan." She shrugs. "So, I kinda needed a tree."
"Why has there been a change of plan?" I ask, turning in her arms. "Is everything okay with your family?"
"Everything is fine." She nods. "I just decided to stay home this year."
"Because of me?" I ask, my eyebrow raised. "You should really be with your family…they're way more important."
"I've spent thirty-two Christmases with my family, Eliza. I think this year I'm allowed to miss it." She leans in a little closer and captures my lips. She's staying home to be with me? Wow…
"I don't want you to miss out on the chance to be with your family, Arizona."
"I can see them anytime I like." She gives me a sad smile. "You are not spending Christmas alone. No way."
"But I'm okay with that." I shrug. "I don't mind being alone. I chose to be alone. I could have gone home if I'd wanted to, but I chose not to. It really isn't a big deal."
"But it is to me." She admits. "It matters to me that you will be alone. It matters to me that I won't get to spend the day with you. It just…I want to do this, okay? Please just agree to be with me over Christmas."
"You're amazing." I smile. "I can't believe you would do this for me. I don't know why anyone would do this for me."
"Because it's important to me." She brushes her thumb over my cheek and I lean into her touch. "I was lucky enough to meet you before Christmas, so I want to spend our first one together in the same city as you. The same bed as you. Just…with you."
"Thank you." I place a soft kiss on her lips. I never expected her to drop her plans for me, and honestly, the thought had never even crossed my mind, but she has and I find that incredible. It only makes the love I have for her even stronger than it was a few minutes ago. It only makes me want to spend my life with her even more. "Do you think maybe we could cook dinner together?"
"I'd love to." She nods. "Just…would it be okay if Alex shared dinner with us? It's totally fine if you don't want to and I haven't even told him I'm staying home yet, but he spends it alone every year…"
"I'd love Alex to join us." I agree. "I know he doesn't really have anyone other than you."
"He sees you as a good friend too, you know?"
"Yeah?" I smile. "He is a great guy, and a great boss."
"He is." She guides me over to the couch and pulls me down beside her. "He is definitely one of the good ones." Settling down between her legs, she wraps her arms around my body and places a kiss below my ear. "I've missed you so much, Eliza." Her breath making me feel a little warm inside, I place my hands on her own and tighten my grip. "This week has been weird. I've not felt like myself."
"I'm sorry." I sigh. "I messed this up and I just wanted you to have the space that you wanted. It was only fair that you should be able to think without me around you."
"I know, but I still hated it." She admits as her hands slip up and under my tee. Her fingertips caressing my skin, my body shudders against her own and I release a slight sigh. "Sorry, did you want me to stop doing that?" She stills her movements, a little hesitation in her voice.
"No." I grip her wrists. "Don't ever stop doing that. It feels nice."
"You sure?" She resumes her movements and a slight smile curls on my lips.
"More than sure." I nod. "Can we stay like this for a little while?"
"We can stay like this all night, Eliza."
Still settled between Arizona's legs, her soft breathing against my neck is comforting and I'm not sure I ever want to move from the position that we're in right now. It's perfect. Everything about this evening has somehow turned out perfect. Crazy, I know, but I'm embracing it and I'm taking what I can get. She may wake up tomorrow and feel completely different, so yeah…I'm taking all of this right now. She has been playing with my hair for a little while now, and every time her nails graze my scalp, my body shivers. Every time she touches me, I feel like things are getting a little better than before. I don't know how she has it in her to be so forgiving, but I guess that's just who she is. I mean, she seems like someone who would forgive people, but I'm not sure I deserve her forgiveness. I did the unthinkable, even if it was unintentional. Even if I didn't know it was about to happen. It happened, and no matter how you dress it up, I kissed another woman. I kissed another woman when Arizona was at home thinking about me. About us.
I've been trying not to think about it, but its hard. It's hard because I know how hurt she was by my actions. I know how hurt she was when she heard April in the corridor on campus. I know I cannot beat myself up about it forever, but I'm struggling to come to terms with my actions. I'm struggling to even think about anything else right now. "Are you okay?" She leans in a little closer and her breath washes over my ear. "Either you're sleeping or you're thinking…"
"I'm okay." I glance up at her and smile. "Just enjoying being here with you."
"Wanna talk about anything?" She asks. "Whatever is playing on your mind?"
"Not really." I shake my head slightly. "Unless you wanted to talk about anything?"
"I just don't want you to keep feeling bad, is all." I appreciate her words, but its easier said than done. It really is. At least, that is how I'm feeling right now. I feel like I'll never get over this feeling.
"I'm trying not to," I admit. "But its kinda hard to do."
"I know, but we are going to be okay, Eliza. You have to focus on that. On us." Pulling my body up her own a little, she presses her front against my back and trails her lips up my neck. "You are so beautiful, and I understand why everyone wants you…but you're mine."
"I'm sure that's not true." I blush. "Nobody ever wants me…"
"I do." She smiles against my ear. "I'll always want you."
"I've noticed." A slight laugh falling from my mouth, I turn in her arms a little and my eyes find her own. "What exactly do you see in me, Arizona?" Studying her face, she doesn't take her eyes off of my own, but a small smile appears.
"I see so much in you." Her lips pressing against my own, she smiles against my mouth and tugs at my bottom lip. "You make me feel like I'm the only woman in this world, Eliza. Like I'm the only one you see. I'm sure that isn't the case, but it's how you make me feel. I don't think I've ever felt that way before. I don't think I've ever felt so strongly about another woman, my ex-wife included."
"But you were happy with her." I furrow my brow.
"I was." She gives me her honest answer. "But once I'd met you. Once I'd spoken to you and realized that you made everything feel pretty intense around me, I knew that I'd been settling in my marriage. I knew that I was supposed to divorce Abbie, and I knew that you came into my life for a reason. You told me how you felt when you were supposed to."
"You really believe that?" I smile. "You really believe that I can make you happier than she did?"
"I do." She nods. "Because the way you make me feel is nothing short of amazing. The way you make me feel makes me want to leave my job and just be open and out there with you. You make me feel like I've always wanted to feel. Loved. Cared about. You've brought things back to me that I didn't even realize I'd lost. The flirting. The teasing. The hours and hours of sex. I know those things may not be important to some people, and I know that this is all new, but I didn't realize those things were missing from my life until you brought it back. Until you made me feel incredible when you put your hands on me."
"Wow…" I breathe out. "I didn't expect that. This."
"No?" She furrows her brow. "Why not?"
"I guess just because I'm a lot younger." I shrug. "You know when I first met you, as my professor?" She gives me a nod. "I thought about being with you. I thought about holding your hand and kissing you. I thought about waking beside you. Then I realized that you wouldn't want someone like me. Someone who is so much younger and has so much to learn about life. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm more mature than most my age, but every time I thought about the possibility of there ever being an us, that would come back to the forefront of my mind, and I was just torturing myself. I was just hoping for something that I knew would never happen."
"But it did." She smiles as she laces our fingers together. "It happened, Eliza."
"I know." My voice breaking a little, I roll my eyes and try to control my emotions. "It still feels crazy weird, though."
"It won't always feel that way." She gives me a sad smile. "Once we figure things out, we will be amazing. I mean, we already are…but once everything can be out in the open? God, it will be incredible."
"You think?" I raise an eyebrow. "You think you will still want to be with me by the time I graduate?"
"I know I will." She nods. "I'm not letting you go, Eliza." Turning fully, I rest my body on her own and she shifts down onto her back. "Things won't always be perfect and I know that at times it will get a little hard or become too much, but we just have to remember the end goal. We just have to remember what we have to look forward to, and everything will be okay. We will be okay."
"God, I hope so." I place a kiss on her jaw. "I just can't allow anything on campus to mess us up. You know, the people I hang with…"
"You are a student, Eliza. I wouldn't ever expect you not to see your friends. You need people other than me in your life."
"They're not really my friends." I shrug. "I mean, April is…but the others? Not really."
"But you still need them in your life." She states. "I just wish I could tell Sasha to back off."
"Don't worry about her." I press a kiss to my girlfriend's lips. "There is no way she would ever do what she did again. I wouldn't allow her to. I wouldn't ever put myself in that situation again, and I can promise you that."
"I trust you." She replies. Complete certainty in her voice. "I'll always trust you. This was just something that happened. It's university. People get like that. I don't like what happened, but it isn't as bad as I thought it was. It meant nothing to you and that is all I care about. So long as I know there are no feelings there anymore, I'm okay."
"There were never any feelings there, Arizona."
"You guys dated, though…" She furrows her brow and I cup her face with both hands. "I don't understand…"
"I was trying to get you off of my mind," I admit. "I know I shouldn't have used her like that, but I figured if I tried, I would be okay."
"Did it work?" She narrows her eyes and smirks. "Did it get me off of your mind?"
"Nope." I laugh. "It made things worse. It made me want you even more. Like, when she held my hand, I thought about how you could do that so much better. When I sat in class trying to avoid you, I found you hotter than ever before. The hotter I found you…the more I thought about getting you into bed. God, I was a mess, Arizona. A complete mess."
"I'm sorry you felt that way." She drops her gaze.
"I'm not." Her eyes shoot back up and find my own. "Because once we ended up together? God, that was all kinds of hot." I smile. "Like, I'd thought about touching you for so long…and when it happened, it was like I'd died and gone to heaven."
"Yeah?" She bites down on her bottom lip. "Was it really that good?"
"I have no words for how good it was." I shake my head. "Being with you is often indescribable, though."
"I love your honesty." She grips the back of my neck and pulls me in a little closer. "I love how you are totally open and honest with me. It's perfect."
"Honesty is the most important thing in a relationship, Arizona." Pressing my lips to her own, I run my tongue across her bottom lip and she releases a slight moan. "And, since I'm being honest right now, I'd sooner take this to the bedroom."
"Yeah?" Her eyes brighten. "Y-You want to continue this?" Uh, why the hell wouldn't I?
"Of course, I do." I give her a look of confusion. "Unless you didn't want to."
"No." She sits up on her elbows. "I just wasn't sure how we were doing this right now is all. If you want to get me naked, that can totally happen." Her eyes darken a little. "On one condition, though?"
"What's that?" I raise an eyebrow.
"I get to have you naked, too." Climbing off of her, I pull Arizona up to her feet and our bodies connect. Smiling into a kiss, she lifts my tee up and over my head. "I have to have you naked beneath me, Eliza." She whispers a little breathlessly. "I need to feel you. It's all I've wanted all week."
"Do it." I moan as she unclasps my bra and it falls to the floor. "Take me to bed, Arizona."
Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.