Disclaimer: not mine
Mother 2/4
It was a whirlwind Friday morning with Harm and Mac departing just after the kids woke up. And it was a teary Mac that sat in the passenger seat as Harm drove them down the driveway. He knew the next few days would be a sea of emotions for his wife and that he needed to let her be, to get herself and her thoughts together.
Still, he didn't want her to think she was alone so, once he had turned out onto the road, he reached across and took her hand, gently squeezing it and smiling at her when she looked at him.
"Can't wait til this is over," she said quietly and Harm nodded. "Finally over."
It was a relatively quiet trip. They had stopped in Sutton for a bathroom break and to stretch their legs before driving on to Blacksburg. Harm had chosen it as there was a quaint little cafe that Mac had loved when they used to come here to visit Mattie. He had also thought that a walk around a familiar place with good memories would help too.
Arriving there just after two, Harm took his wife's hand and helped her from the car before enveloping her in a huge hug and kissing her head.
"I know you love this place," he said, stepping aside and allowing her to actually focus on where they were,
"I was just thinking about it," she said with a wry smile.
While Harm had said the day before they would stop in this particular town, she had been too preoccupied with the destination to actually register anything about the journey. "Thank you for being so understanding about this. Sorry it is all about me – again."
"You are more than welcome," he said, kissing her lightly. "But you never have to apologise...and, just so you know, you are by far the most important thing in my whole life and I am more than fine that this weekend or week or month or however long it takes is all about you..."
"I wish it wasn't all about me," she said quietly.
"I know," he replied, pulling her back to him once more. "But, hopefully, this will be the last time you're left feeling like this...and, whatever the outcome, you can come to terms with this and move on."
"God I hope so," she muttered into his shirt.
Even though Mac loved the cafe and she hadn't breakfast, she struggled to find anything she wanted to eat. Harm had offered to go somewhere else in town or to another town but Mac shook her head, finally choosing a chicken and salad wrap with a side serve of wedges.
"Chicken and salad?" Harm said with a smirk after ordering a tuna melt for himself.
"What?" she questioned, not knowing what was funny.
"You ordered salad...voluntarily," he said with a satisfied grin.
"Sorry," she apologised. "I'm not really myself today," she added, not quite with it enough to see the humour in the exchange.
"Oh, Mac," he sighed, looping an arm around her shoulder and kissing her head. "I love you so very much."
The afternoon was quieter than the morning and Harm was relieved that Mac seemed to find comfort in a deep sleep. He didn't mind that he was left to entertain himself on the trip Knoxville. With the radio down low, he sang and hummed along to a string of classic pop songs and kept an eye on Mac to make sure he wasn't disturbing her. As it was, she stirred about ten minutes from the Crowne Plaza Hotel, and turned to look at her husband in the darkness of the car.
"Did I just sleep the entire ride?" she asked, realising where they were.
"Yep," he said with a smile. "How are you feeling?"
"Weary," she said, reaching across and resting her hand on his leg.
"That's because you haven't slept the past two nights," he said, glancing at her.
"After that nap ... and given tomorrow... I probably won't sleep tonight either," she said with a sigh.
"Yes, you will," he said. "I picked a hotel with a heated swimming pool and a full fitness centre. I figured you can exhaust yourself in style."
"Can you exhaust me?" she asked quirking an eyebrow.
"Oh definitely," he said with a small laugh. That would always be his first preference but he wasn't sure whether she was feeling that way inclined and was trying extra hard to make this all about her.
"Good," she said with a nod. "I prefer you to the gym."
"I prefer it too," he said, raising her hand and kissing it.
As it was, after checking in and with Mac not feeling that hungry, they headed to the pool to swim laps and did so for the next 45 minutes before settling into the spa for a while. With Harm's stomach rumbling, Mac decided they should head back to the room to dry and change.
"Do you mind if we order room service?" she asked, not feeling up to going downstairs to the restaurant.
"Of course not," he replied, wrapping his arms around her as they stood in the elevator. "We'll order when we get back onto the room and by the time we've showered and dressed...for bed...it should be here."
"Sounds like a plan," she said, pressing up and kissing him briefly.
Actually hungry, but still indecisive, Mac dithered between a few different dishes and in the end she headed to the shower telling Harm he could decide. So he did. Choosing all items she had mentioned and a few she hadn't. He knew that if she couldn't sleep then it would be a long night for them both and he also knew there was little hope in getting her to eat breakfast in the morning.
Joining her in the shower a few minutes later, Harm shampooed and conditioned her hair for her before massaging the knots from her neck. Clean and relaxed, Mac settled against his broad chest and enjoyed the hot water beads spraying her body.
"Ready to get out?" he asked after a while, kissing her head.
"Nope," she said, reaching back and turning the water off anyway.
Quietly, they both dried off and dressed in their night gear before slipping on the hotel's plush towelling robes and settling on the sofa as they awaited their food. Harm handed her the television guide and the remote.
"Your choice," he said, wrapping his arms around her.
Not really interested in watching anything but knowing her husband was trying his hardest, Mac pressed the on button and looked down at the guide. There was nothing which took her interest. Still, she tried to play the game and chose the original version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. After all, candy as far as the eye could see had to be entertaining.
It was with the first rendition of 'Oompa Loompa' that the three trays of food arrived, the young hotel staffer surprised to find only the two of them.
"What on earth did you order?" she asked Harm as he wheeled the laden trolley in front of her after tipping the young man.
"Pizza, pasta, curly fries, onion rings, salads, hamburger, cheese and fruit platter, four types of desserts and a few different drinks," he recited, taking off the covers.
"Goodness, Harm, this will cost more than a week's groceries," she said shaking her head.
"Well, you couldn't decide so I got the lot," he said, handing her a napkin. "Now, tuck in and enjoy yourself."
By the time the movie was finished, a good portion of the food had gone too, and they were sleepily entwined on the sofa. Needing the bathroom, Harm was reluctant to move lest he disturb his wife but in the end it was Mac who made the first move to get up and tidy up the items from dinner.
Wheeling the trolley into the hallway, Mac made sure she kept the items she may still feel like in the small fridge they had.
The night was long and restless, to Harm's surprise, Mac fell asleep quiet quickly, wrapped tightly in his arms, however, he remained awake wondering what the following day would bring. While he knew she had to do this, he knew the repercussions would be substantial and wondered just how big a toll it would take on her, on them. Still, he knew what it meant to go on that last mission, to get the truth, however painful, about a parent. He knew, had she decided not to go, it would play on her mind forever. This way, good or bad, the situation with her mother would be resolved.
About 0100, Harm was drifting off when Mac stirred. Instinctively pulling her closer, Harm kissed her head and whispered his love in the hope of keeping her from waking fully. It didn't work.
"Shit! The kids!" she said, her eyes popping opened as she struggled to sit up.
"What about them?" he questioned, pulling her back to him.
"Didn't call them...didn't say goodnight," she said shaking her head.
"I called and spoke to Lily very briefly after I'd ordered room service," he said, kissing her head. "Told her we couldn't really talk but we loved her and missed her and wanted to wish her goodnight and could she help us out and give the same message to everyone – and she said yes."
"Oh, okay," Mac said tangling her fingers in Harm's tee.
"And she said to say she loves you, misses you and hopes your mom isn't as sucky as she used to be," he said honestly as he gazed at his wife.
Mac nodded and closed her eyes for a bit before realising she still had her husband's undivided attention. Opening her eyes, she slid her hand from between them and snaked it around his neck.
"I think I need some distraction," she said, pressing closer and kissing him lightly. "You still happy to exhaust me?"
"Ecstatic," he said with a sexy smirk. "Have anything particular in mind?"
"Hard and fast and twice," she said, her eyes locked with his. Harm knew from previous experience that this combination allowed his wife to think of nothing else but what he was doing and while he loved nothing more than making long, sensual love to his wife, hard, fast and twice would send her to sleep quite quickly.
Before 0200, Mac had found a deep oblivion, nestled tight in her husband's arms, exhausted, sated and appreciative of Harm's willingness to make it all about her.
Come daylight, Harm was awake long before Mac and he was feeling quite nervous about the coming events of the day. He tried to work out what was the likeliest end case scenario; would it be mother and daughter being happy together? Would it be them accepting what had been and agreeing on going their separate ways? Would it be a hostile encounter leaving his wife bitter and distressed? Would it be one that left her feeling empty and abandoned once more?
It was a two hour trip to Chattanooga and Harm had deliberately not chosen anywhere closer as he didn't want to risk them running into Deanne MacKenzie. He wanted to make sure his wife was far enough away not to run into her or anyone else before they visited her mom or afterwards. This hotel was their safe haven and he knew an accidental encounter was improbable.
Still, it meant there was a two hour trip which also meant his wife would have two hours to sit in the car to fixate on the upcoming event; maybe Knoxville wasn't the place to be staying. Knowing it was too late to do anything about it; he kissed her head lightly and closed his eyes.
"What do you think she wants, really wants?" Mac asked quietly, surprising him.
"I don't know," he answered honestly. "Do you?"
"Half of me thinks maybe she wants to make amends, to find some closure, make peace with me...with herself, that sort of thing," she said, holding him tighter.
"What about the other half?" he questioned when she didn't continue.
"The other half doesn't know," she replied, closing her eyes once more.
"Doesn't it?" he asked, knowing she wasn't telling him the truth.
"Well," she said opening her eyes. "Half of the other half doesn't know," she admitted. "The other quarter thinks she just wants to mess with my head once more and I'm walking straight into her trap."
Harm kissed her head. "What do you want out of today?" he asked, rubbing her back.
"In an ideal world," she said closing her eyes. "I would like to understand why she did it. We weren't together, had no kids, when I last saw her. I keep thinking that maybe because I'm a mother this time I will have a greater understanding of her actions..." She paused for a moment. "I guess I would also like to thank her...strange I know, but while she did what she did we did have a few good times before that...and I guess above and beyond all that, I want to be able to drive away today feeling at peace with it all."
Harm kissed her head once more, praying to God that his beloved wife would get something she wanted out of today. He didn't know how she'd cope otherwise.
There was silence in the car on the trip south before Mac broke it is a hushed and unsure voice.
"Do you think it would be alright to kiss her?" she asked, feeling the need for some affection from her mother.
"Do you?" he countered, not sure what his answer should be.
"If the situation is right, then yes, I think it will be alright," she said nodding her head.
Then silence reigned once more.
"Do you think she'll want to see photos of the kids? I brought some with me...just in case," she said, with a slight shrug and Harm's heart broke a little more. She may have been big and brave and prepared to take on the world but, right now, she was a little girl who, against all odds, was still trying to win her mother's affection. Gripping the steering wheel he prayed that this time Deanne MacKenzie would be gracious enough to put her daughter first for once. He couldn't fathom how such a woman could give birth to the amazing person who was his wife.
About ten minutes from Chattanooga Mac's cell rang and it was Lily checking in.
"Grandma said not to phone but I had to say hello and say that I hope your mom is nice to you today," she said quickly and quietly, making it clear to Mac Lily wasn't supposed to be on the phone.
"Thank you, baby girl," she replied, "Everyone behaving themselves?" she asked, trying to take the focus off herself.
"Yep," Lily said proudly. "Good as gold."
"I'm glad to hear it," Mac said with a smile.
"Gotta go," Lily said quickly. "Grandma's coming."
And then the line went dead.
Mac could only smile as she pocketed her phone; while Lily was obviously doing the wrong thing it warmed her heart that she had raised a thoughtful and considerate child. Maybe it was a sign that today was going to be a feel good day – she could only hope.
Sensing they were almost at the house, Mac asked Harm to pull over for a minute. While she was now feeling quietly confident that today would be much better than she had first anticipated, she was still incredibly nervous and wanted just a minute to collect herself. Knowing something which would make his wife feel a bit better, Harm climbed out of the car and walked around to her side before opening her door and helping her out. Closing the door behind her, Harm leant against the vehicle, his arms wrapped tightly around her, his lips pressing gently against her head.
"I think today will go well," Mac said quietly, not resisting his attempt to comfort her at all. "There are good signs...and, I figure, the fact that her letter arrived on Monday, her birthday, even though she posted it in March, is a sign it was all meant to be."
Harm wanted to support her but he also wanted to give her a reality check. She seemed to have shifted from being very negative to being very positive and he knew the outcome would most likely be the former rather than the latter.
Deciding he couldn't win, regardless of which way he went, Harm kissed her head once more.
"Whatever the outcome, I just want you to remember you are by far the most important thing in my world," he whispered. "And the kids and I love you so very, very much."
With those words wrapping her in a sense of security, Mac was ready to complete her journey and to see her mother, and all that went with it.